pattyfromMV Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I just found out my husband had a n affair with my best friend and now she is 7 weeks pregnant . My H and I are trying to work passed this but my emotional state of mind is a mess. I'm not one to take meds but had to resort to some to control my state of mind. He says he would like to be a part of the baby's life , but not sure if she will allow it. Since he decided to end the 6 month affair, she has manipulated him by saying she will leave to another state and he'll never see his baby. Then she will call and say she lost it and next day no i didn't lose it. Now she claims she has a tumor in her stomache against babys head . this is emotionally wrecking our emotional state of mind. It's bad enough trying to get past the affair but the baby issue is far more than I can handle. I too try to see past the innocent child, it has no fault in their negligence.I would never any bad on the baby and i do hope it is born healthy and able to be part of my husband 's life. As for her Karma is a B.. that's something she will have to deal with since she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. 3
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Are you sure she is actually pregnant? Proof? you and your husband need to talk to a lawyer about this. I can't believe what a nutcase your ex bestfriend turned out to be! Have you and your husband gone to marriage counselling? What you experience is worse than him just cheating on you..You suffered double betrayal by two people whom you trusted with your life and they selfishly and cruely let you down! Is your husband remorseful and full of regret? Did he tell you WHY he allowed an affair to happen with your bestfriend? Is he fixing himself? Is he worthy of a chance to make things right again with you? Throw the baby into this mix I can see why you're a mess. Counselling will help you cope with this so you won't lose it.. 2
Balzac Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) Pregnant purposefully? Was this her last chance to conceive determined by her age being over 40? Seems to me it takes two and you mentioned joint negligence earlier in your post. She alone does not determine whether biological father is involved. If he wants to be an involved parent the child's best interest is that it be arranged. Edited June 14, 2012 by Balzac 1
Balzac Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Do you object to sharing the length of your marriage or if other children are involved? I can only imagine your emotional turmoil. I can only recommend taking control of what the law allows your husband and thinking in terms of disengaging from your formerly friend's manipulations.
sunflower5 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I am so sorry you are having to face this. I know how you feel. I have been there. I am going to give you some advice from my experience with this mess. If I can help you out please let me. 1. Be kind to yourself. You are going to go through a whole roller coaster of emotions. Not only did your H have an A, but the OW was a friend and now she is pg. I also knew my OW and it is a double betrayal to know that two people you trusted treated you this way. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Don't let anyone rush your healing. If you need meds take them. I am not a meds kind of person but I will say they helped me, especially during the early days. 2. Get into therapy. It helped me so much. If you want to work on your M it will also help the two of you get a REAL plan on how you two are going to work together to save your M. 3. Get a lawyer NOW. I say this for several reasons. The lawyer can make her PROVE she is pg. YOU also need a lawyer so you can protect yourself fiancially from the OW. Especially if you have children. You have rights. But you can't wait til the OC gets here to get the ball rolling on it. It will be too late then. Do it now. Find out your state laws and proactive about protecting your family. When it comes down to money it is this simple....either you get it or she gets it...your H won't. Make sure you and your children are taken care of. Make your lawyer the contact person for the OW. She needs to stop calling your H. If she has an issue she needs to contact your lawyer. That will cut down on her game playing and drama. The drama is not good for you, H, OW or the OC. This gives everyone breathing room to come to terms with the situation and come up with a plan to work on things. The last you need is things spiraling out of control and getting really ugly. Also the lawyer will be able to protect your H's rights to the child. OW can threaten to take the OC from H, but legally she can't. you need a lawyer who can explain your H's rights and help him enforce them. 4. Do not let your H sign the birth certificate without a DNA test. I can not stress that enough. Just don't do it. 5. Completely forget about trying to work this out amongest yourselves. That is NOT going to work. OW is already playing games and getting crazy. She won't be reasonable. It is only going to get worse the closer she gets to this OC being born. She won't hold any punches....so neither can you. Don't let her take advantage of you or your H. Keep it perfessional by allowing your lawyer to handle it. I know lawyers are exspensive but it will save you money, time and a lot of problems and heart ache in the long run if you have one. 6. Document everytime OW harrasses you or your H. Save any emails, text messages. Document phone calls. If she shows up to your house, his work, etc...stalking.If she leaves notes on his car..anytime she tries to contact you or H. That way if OW really gets crazy you have proof to take to the police and your lawyer. 7. BE CAREFUL. You don't know how far she will go. Be aware of your surrounds and if something seems funny or off...pay attention to it. The OW in my situation got NUTS once she realized he was not leaving.Her anger could be taken out on you...the person she sees standing in the way of "getting her man". Be prepared for her to pull all kinds of stunts to try and pull your H back into her life. 8. Seperate the OC from the situation. This took me a while so don't feel bad if you can't do it at first. This is not the OCs fault and it is a horrible situation for a child to be brought into the middle of. So weather you have contact with the OC during it's life or not....be compassionate. Don't hold a grudge or blame a child for what it's parents did. I know all this is overwhelming. You are going to have days you don't want to get up off the couch. But you need to force yourself to be proactive about this situation NOW. Being reactionary will only make things worse. Make a list and then the two of you go down the list and get it done. 2
sunflower5 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I also want to add a lawyer will also let you know your state laws reguarding recourse against OW. Meaning being able to sue her for emotional distress and/or alienation of effection for the A. Or emotional damages if she gets harrasses you now that the A is over.
Radu Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I just found out my husband had a n affair with my best friend and now she is 7 weeks pregnant . My H and I are trying to work passed this but my emotional state of mind is a mess. I'm not one to take meds but had to resort to some to control my state of mind. He says he would like to be a part of the baby's life , but not sure if she will allow it. Since he decided to end the 6 month affair, she has manipulated him by saying she will leave to another state and he'll never see his baby. Then she will call and say she lost it and next day no i didn't lose it. Now she claims she has a tumor in her stomache against babys head . this is emotionally wrecking our emotional state of mind. It's bad enough trying to get past the affair but the baby issue is far more than I can handle. I too try to see past the innocent child, it has no fault in their negligence.I would never any bad on the baby and i do hope it is born healthy and able to be part of my husband 's life. As for her Karma is a B.. that's something she will have to deal with since she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. Sorry to hear what you are going through ... some best friend. He needs to go and see a lawyer pronto, because he does have rights to the baby. You guys need to document all of the threats she makes, because if you are in the US, it's probably admissable in court. Your ex-BFF is a piece of ****, if she did this to you, no offense. Is he pulling the reconcilliation wagon ? Has he stopped contact with her, outside of this pregnancy ? Do you still get trickle truth ? PS: Alienation of affection is a real thing OP.
YellowShark Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 As for her Karma is a B.. that's something she will have to deal with since she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. Huh? You have the cart before the horse. She got pregnant because YOUR husband had unprotected sex with her. Unless he's from frikkin' Mars he knew what he was doing. That's why she is pregnant. 5
Radu Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 YS, some women will lie about being on BC to get pregnant. They see the kid as a bond that can't be broken, and legally it is. He was stupid no doubt, but there might be some validity to what the OP wrote. 2
stillafool Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) As for her Karma is a B.. that's something she will have to deal with since she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. So sorry for your betrayal and what you are going through. I don't think the OW is the only one to get Karma as your H is just as guilty as she is of betraying you. I have to ask you is he really worth all that you are going through? I think sleeping with your spouses best friend is the ultimate disrespect. I don't think I could ever look at him again. The OW probably has a fibrod tumor in her uterus and it's probably not that serious. Edited June 14, 2012 by stillafool
Spark1111 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Sorry, this IS the oldest trick in the book. No CONTACT except through your attorney stating that if the necessary paternity test upon birth proves your H is the father will any additional contact be necessary through your attorney ONLY. Got it? I hope your H gets it too. Together you call the OW and HE tells her this and ends it with: Any communication regarding this subject will be in writing to: NAME AND ADDRESS OF YOUR ATTY. You hang up the phone and both get to counseling and do not entertain a text, email or phone call from this woman. I had a roommate in college who pulled this stunt all the time as it was the best way to get continued attention and kindness from an unavailable man; not necessarily married, just unavailable to her. She was later diagnosed with histrionic disorder coupled with pathological lying and asked by the administration to leave at the end of the semester. NO CONTACT UNTIL PROOF is extablished conclusively, and then, only through your attorney. 1
stillafool Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Your ex-BFF is a piece of ****, if she did this to you, no offense. What about what her HUSBAND did to her? He's the one who had VOWS. 2
sunflower5 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 So sorry for your betrayal and what you are going through. I don't think the OW is the only one to get Karma as your H is just as guilty as she is of betraying you. I have to ask you is he really worth all that you are going through? She is really going to have to do some soul searching on this. But you need to get firm on your H now. He needs to whole heartesly get on board with recoverying the M. My opinion is he needs to cut all contact with OW for now. He needs to focus on his M so that if you guys are going to stay together when the OC is born you guys are in a better place to handle a new baby. My ow got pg on purpose too. Be prepared for your H to have some big angry issues over it.
Spark1111 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 YS, some women will lie about being on BC to get pregnant. They see the kid as a bond that can't be broken, and legally it is. He was stupid no doubt, but there might be some validity to what the OP wrote. Some women LIE about being pregnant all together to keep a man in their life! Imagine that?
frozensprouts Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 YS, some women will lie about being on BC to get pregnant. They see the kid as a bond that can't be broken, and legally it is. He was stupid no doubt, but there might be some validity to what the OP wrote. if this other woman really did get herself pregnant on purpose with the OP's wayward spouse's child, that's just about the height of selfishness and immaturity... OP... if you and your husband plan to stay together, I hope you are able to get some counseling and legal help to help you get through this rough time. If you are able to separate the child from the affair, you may well find that you and your husband are a real source of stability and support for this child and a positive influence in their life. Hopefully, if this really is your husband's child, you and he will be able to be there for them with as little to do with the mother as possible... I hope things work out well for all of you...the other woman too, as purposely getting pregnant speaks of such desperation 1
beenburned Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I'm so sorry for what you are going through! See a lawyer immediately so you will know all of your legal rights! A DNA test will have to be done after the baby is born to prove paternity. If it is proven to be his, he is entitled to all the same rights as other biological fathers.(NO matter what she thinks or wants) If she continues to harass you, file a restraining order against her. It is possible that she deliberately tried to get pg, by lying and saying she was on birth control pills. My son's girlfriend even showed him her pill pack. Wishing you the best no matter what you decide to do! Keep us updated.
Author pattyfromMV Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 thanks to all for you good advice. This whole situation is tramatizing. I feel like he is trying the best to make things right but his guilt is getting the best of him. He says it is his baby , but my doubt is that she left to Puerto Rico in a hurry and came back 2 weeks later. Anything is possible he has a 50/50 chance. We were having some problems in our marriage ,so I know I played a part in this too,but I didn't have an affair. I know if she stays out of the picture we can work thru this. She manipulated him and her love for him is based on lies she told him about me. She knew exactly what our problems where and used it to her advantage knowing exactly what to say and when . He said he never promised her anything and never said he would leave me for her. That's why he believes she got pregnant,that would be the only hold she would have on him. The affair was not just sex ,it was emotional for my husband she made him feel special and alive, I only represented fustration and bills to pay. We are trying hard to work thru this but only God know what the outcome will be . I trust God knows what is best for us all. Oncea again thanks for all your good advice .
Author pattyfromMV Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 I wish it were that easy ,and she was gone. She claims she would have left but Doc found a tumor in her stomache and know can't leave, She even sent my husband the Doc report because he said she was lying. I don't think its a cancerous tumor ,when i was pregnant i had a Uterine Fibroid Tumor, that usually gooes away . but of course she is going to milk it to the end
beenburned Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Patty, Your H needs to cut off all communication with her until after the baby is born, and the DNA proves this is his child. His only responsibility is the child, if it is his. He does not have to marry her just because she is pg. She can not continue with this manipulation, file a restraining order against her. And immediately have a consultation with a lawyer regarding exactly how you are to handle everything! Trust me as I have BTDT with my son's X-girlfriend. She used all the same tactics you are hearing in a desparate attempt to try and force him to marry her.(He had already broken everything off with her when she found out she was pg) 1
jnj express Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hey Patty---you need to stop with all this blame on your H's lover---yes she is scum---BUT---she is not the one to blame here There is only one person you have a beef with---that is your H---He is the one and only OTHER PERSON INVOLVED in your mge---he is the one who took vows with you---he is the one who is responsible to you, and your family Stop with all this blame you wanna throw down on the other woman---it is your H, who needs to make your mge right, that is if YOU intend to stay!! If there is truly a pregnancy, then if you intend to LET your H., be involved, be prepared to deal with this for the NEXT 18 YEARS---Is that what you agreed to, when you took vows with YOUR HUSBAND?????? 3
woinlove Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Hey Patty---you need to stop with all this blame on your H's lover---yes she is scum---BUT---she is not the one to blame here There is only one person you have a beef with---that is your H---He is the one and only OTHER PERSON INVOLVED in your mge---he is the one who took vows with you---he is the one who is responsible to you, and your family Stop with all this blame you wanna throw down on the other woman---it is your H, who needs to make your mge right, that is if YOU intend to stay!! If there is truly a pregnancy, then if you intend to LET your H., be involved, be prepared to deal with this for the NEXT 18 YEARS---Is that what you agreed to, when you took vows with YOUR HUSBAND?????? I don't think it is that easy when your best friend, or at least the woman who had been your best friend, acts like this. Yes, I agree she needs to cut this "friend" out of her life, but I imagine there are a lot of feelings of anger, betrayal and grieving, involved with the former best friend too. Honestly, I can't even imagine what it feels like to have one's husband and best friend betray one like this, and then to have the possible pregnancy, but I would think anyone would feel a lot of anger toward their former friend, too, especially when they are behaving in such a manipulative way. I don't have any advice as this situation sounds so terrible, but sorry you are going through this Patty and I hope you have counselling and other family and friends to help you.
jnj express Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Don't get me wrong---the AP---is always scum, and does aid and abet the cheater---but ultimatly it is the cheating spouse who needs to be come down upon----they are the one and only one who cause the mge to blow up, and kids to suffer, it is their decision to actually cheat---the AP, will work on them, but it is the cheating spouse who says yes I will cheat, or, no I will stay faithful---BUT FOR the cheating spouse, cheating---we would not be here today would we???? 1
woinlove Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Don't get me wrong---the AP---is always scum, and does aid and abet the cheater---but ultimatly it is the cheating spouse who needs to be come down upon----they are the one and only one who cause the mge to blow up, and kids to suffer, it is their decision to actually cheat---the AP, will work on them, but it is the cheating spouse who says yes I will cheat, or, no I will stay faithful---BUT FOR the cheating spouse, cheating---we would not be here today would we???? Wouldn't you be angry and feel betrayed by your best friend too? I just can't imagine having a best friend lying to me, sleeping with my H behind my back. Sure, I would be betrayed by my H, perhaps feel that most strongly, but I can't imagine not feeling betrayed by my friend too. I see it as a double betrayal and don't see why one betrayal should be ignored. I don't think it is good to just ignore and suppress those feelings just because one also has one's family and M to deal with. All these complex feelings have to be processed at some time, and I really have no idea what order I would do them in or all together, but I suspect everyone is different in this respect. And besides the OW being her supposed best friend, there is the manipulative behavior one has to deal with. Ultimately, she might have to take legal action. I don't think one can simply ignore the ongoing behavior either. 1
stillafool Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 I can absolutely understand OPs anger toward her best friend. I don't see her anger towards her husband. She talks as if the best friend made her H cheat. There was alot of secrets and deceit going on right under OP nose and her husband was a big part of that. Why not be just as angry if not more angry with him? It seems as if she is justifying his part in the affair. OP what is your H doing to make this up to you?
Author pattyfromMV Posted June 19, 2012 Author Posted June 19, 2012 Her anger at her husband is there. For the time being (she is new to this) she is in shock and needs to believe that her husband was hunted and trapped. It is a defense mechanism. I thanks you all for your concern and advice. I do feel I have been betrayed by both H and OW. my husband for hiding the truth and allowing this to happen and to let her continue coming to my home. OW for pretending to be my friend and always acting concern about my marriage while I asked her for advice on how to make my marriage better. Everything I said she turned around and lied to him about me, Saying I didn't love or care for him. I know she got him involved in this affair emotionally making him feel I didn't care for him. He said she made him feel like he was a hero in her eyes ,that he could do no wrong.Of course at home he felt trapped and hurt believing what she had to say about me ,including that I was always out looking for other men ,( not true ). He says he wasn't sexually attracted to her but emotionally bonded with her. That lead to sex of course. She always discussed the possibility of having a child with him because she was turning 41 and may be her last chance . Of course for cinco de mayo , few drinks and her ripping off the condom while in the moment lead to her pregnancy. He told her that this was not the time nor moment to get pregnant , that he was not prepared for a child while still married , this I heard him tell her after this whole thing came to life , That she purposely did it for me to throw him out and he have no other choice than to go with her. I see the guilt for the pain he has caused me but I also know deep inside he is an honest man and would take responsibility to be in the childs life, regardless of how the baby was conceived. It has been 39 days since I found out and honestly the insecurity this has caused me is driving me insane. Every song or email or text , I feel its her , even though its not.She lives 15min away ,I wonder what would happen if I run into her at a store, what my reaction would be ,or worse if my H and I would run into her how the situation would be handled. This is tough , there are no rules in this , I know i have endured pain i didn't know before , but somehow I will come ahead and be a stronger woman. Hopefully this situation will help our marriage become stronger in the end . For I'm taking it one day at a time,and taking care of myself.
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