kiss_andmakeup Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 (edited) Earlier this evening I hinted at possibly moving in with my boyfriend of one year. I mentioned a job opportunity that would be located much closer to his home than to mine, hoping he would suggest moving in together. He pretty much evaded my hint, so I decided to tell him flat out: "I'm interested in living together in the near future. Are you?" Short answer: "Not at the moment, no. I'm just not ready for that yet." His explanation included his fears of the pitfalls of living together - fights, disagreements, possibly incompatibility. Those things destroyed his last relationship and he's scared of it happening with me. So when it comes down to actually cohabiting, he says he's just not ready for it yet. He doesn't rule it out in the future, and he hopes that it's in our future, but it's just not right for him right now because he likes having his own space at the moment. He reassured me of how much he loves me, cares for me, and loves spending time with me. But it didn't really help take the sting off. I accepted it and explained that I understand his feelings, but it just hurts a little bit that my own feelings are so different. I'd love to be able to wake up next to him every morning, and it saddens me that he doesn't feel the same way yet. Everything else about our relationship indicates he's head over heels for me. I spend Saturday afternoon through Tuesday morning at his place every single week, with an occasional get together in between for a concert or just to hang out. On the days we don't see each other, he texts me throughout the day and calls me a few times a day just to say hi and talk about our days. I have a key to his place, and he even encourages me to stay there when he's out of town and invite my friends over. I leave clothes, shoes, toiletries, etc. there. We've spent time with each others' families and I am even going on vacation with him and his parents at the end of the summer. Like I've said, it's only been a year yet, so I'm in no rush. I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I accepted his feelings and only asked that we have an open dialogue about this in the future. But do you think his reaction to my suggestion is a bad sign? If it helps, I've just turned 25 and he's 32. Edited June 14, 2012 by kiss_andmakeup
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Please help! I'm rather distraught. :'[
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 To be honest, I can understand how he feels. My last relationship disintegrated in such a bad way during/after living together, that I would be extremely hesitant to do it again. It can also feel quite suffocating, even if you are madly in love with someone if you are the type of person that needs some space (like your guy seems to be). Also, there is nothing more heartbreaking than moving out after a relationship ends. I think it was the most soul-destroying experience of my life. I think that he may very well come around to this in how own time if you take the pressure off. He sounds completely in love with you so I wouldn't be concerned. It is most likely some left-over emotional issue from his past and nothing to do with his lack of feelings for you. 4
mesmerized Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 It's not necessarily a bad thing. He sees he can see that in the future, just not now...You have to communicate more about it with him I think.
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 To be honest, I can understand how he feels. My last relationship disintegrated in such a bad way during/after living together, that I would be extremely hesitant to do it again. It can also feel quite suffocating, even if you are madly in love with someone if you are the type of person that needs some space (like your guy seems to be). Also, there is nothing more heartbreaking than moving out after a relationship ends. I think it was the most soul-destroying experience of my life. I think that he may very well come around to this in how own time if you take the pressure off. He sounds completely in love with you so I wouldn't be concerned. It is most likely some left-over emotional issue from his past and nothing to do with his lack of feelings for you. Oh ES, you have no idea how much better that post made me feel. Thank you, both for sharing your experience and for the much needed reassurance. It helps a lot. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I think that he may very well come around to this in how own time if you take the pressure off. He sounds completely in love with you so I wouldn't be concerned. It is most likely some left-over emotional issue from his past and nothing to do with his lack of feelings for you. Totally agree with this, Eternal Sunshine! There could come a day when you can't be happy waiting any longer - but it sounds as though you're a ways from that day. If you can feel secure and happy in the meantime, you'll be golden, no matter what. 1
oldschool1 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I also think this guy sounds serious about you. A lot of people aren't sure about living together early on. You've only been together a year, so it's not like he's leading you on indefinitely. Perhaps you can revisit the subject later on, but it's important not to wreck your relationship over this (unless you absolutely need to move in immediately to be happy). If you lay off, he might get used to the idea. If you pressure him, the relationship could teeter. Men like to feel like these decisions are THEIRS, and they like to chase you. I apologize if I sound like someone's sexist mother!! 2
Leigh 87 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Evidentally, he is in love with you as much as a guy CAN be in a year - long time frame. At least you know it would not be any different with any other girl! It is HIM - not YOU! My boyfriend and I do not have a strong opinion on the necessity of marriage, and he has always thought it was only " a piece of paper". Yet, after a year, he went to a wedding, and I realised I WOULD agree to marry him if he asked me ( we were that in love). He told me although marriage is not something we can feasibly do right now, that he does hope and believe it will happen with us; that it is somethig he really wats to happen, and believes will. So - wanting something to happen is the MAIN important factor here! The TIME FRAME is not so important. It is likely down to the kind of man he is, and not related to how strongly he does or does ot feel for you. You are together, both day and night, for a few nights in a row..... that IS a taste of living together! The 3 or so days to himself, he probably relishes as his time to grow as a person, so he can come back to you and tell you new things that have happened. Bottom line: he seas you as a women he wants to settle down and move i with! In fact, he is so close and crazy about you, that he must need to keep his OWN sense of privacy, and time and space to himself. I think it is normal for a lot of men, when they get extra close and are really in love with a women - for them to want to hold on to their little bit of.... time and personal space. ... You have absolutely nothing to worry about. i can tell from the way you write about him, and his actions towards you, as much as you can tell over the internet, and without knowing what he is thinking:) Although it WOULD sting - these silly things do..Not always a bad indicator though! 1
zengirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 To me: His reaction is a sign that he's still not 100% sure your R is going to work out in a 'forever' way, but it doesn't mean he doesn't WANT it to. It is very hard to move out, if something goes wrong, and if he's had a bad experience before that makes sense. I always said, after living with one BF, breaking up with him, and moving out, that I wouldn't do it again until I was getting married or had discussed it and was going to marry the person. And I didn't. However, did he say the words that he likes his "space" or anything akin to that? I'm generally wary of anyone who SAYS that kind of specific phrasing, not because they're bad people, but because they are very rarely ready for full escalation of a R (seeing each other every day, living together, etc), even down the line. Some people are just really independent. They take a lot longer, if ever, to settle down, and I've never had that kind of patience, personally. If those are your words and not his, doesn't apply though. Bottom line: I wouldn't wait forever, if it's something that's important to you, but if you're in no rush, you should be fine. 1
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 His reaction is a sign that he's still not 100% sure your R is going to work out in a 'forever' way, but it doesn't mean he doesn't WANT it to. You're correct, because we've talked about this. Your words were pretty much exactly his. However, did he say the words that he likes his "space" or anything akin to that? I'm generally wary of anyone who SAYS that kind of specific phrasing, not because they're bad people, but because they are very rarely ready for full escalation of a R (seeing each other every day, living together, etc), even down the line. Some people are just really independent. They take a lot longer, if ever, to settle down, and I've never had that kind of patience, personally. If those are your words and not his, doesn't apply though. Yes, he did. His words were "I know myself, and I need my own space right now." When I met him he had just accepted his first position as a full-fledged doctor after spending years as a resident and then as a fellow. So he looks at this past year as a bit of a transition for him in that way, which I think has something to do with him needing space. Thanks to oldschool, RS, and Leigh for your helpful and insightful posts. It helps a lot. 1
maybealone Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 If it helps, I have a friend who took a job in her boyfriend's town after they had been together nine months. He was not ready to live together, and she came very close to giving him an ultimatum. Instead, she got her own place. When her one-year lease ran up, they moved in together and now they are married with two kids. In hindsight, she thinks they both appreciated that extra year of "freedom" they had before committing for the rest of their lives. I think this can be true in a lot of cases. The next step in your R could very well be you getting a job closer to him so you can spend more time with him, then down the road you can revisit living together.
TigerCub Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 He's 32 and if he's lived on his own for a good chunk of that time, its really hard to imagine giving it up and sharing space with someone again - no matter how much he loves you. But when he is ready - he will. It just might take him some time to get to that point. Also, he may be the kind of person, who, like me, sees moving in as "the final frontier" pretty much and that its something that would be a stepping stone to marriage and not just "shacking up"...so maybe that's why he feels he needs a bit more time. None of these things are bad IMO. I'm very much like that and so is my bf and we're planning on doing the move in in the fall, by our 2 year anniversary. Enjoy your relationship and enjoy your connection to one another and if its all good and meant to be, it will happen 1
RedFemale Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 OP you sound needy and insecure, wanting to lock this doctor up for your self. Leave the man be! We need our space. When you have a woman in a house, she always wants attention...you can't even play x-box for an hour without her making her presence known or wanting to join in or whatever. You also have no idea how hard it will be if things won't work out to move out, find a new place....it would be hell on earth! He is a smart man indeed, i have no fear for him finding a better woman. I give your R maybe another 6 months at most. Your nagging will drive him away.
january2011 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Like the others, I'm also once bitten, twice shy. I came out of an LTR (of 10+ years, 8+ spent living together) that did not end in marriage but a breakup. So I'm very wary of moving in with someone again without marriage being in the near future. Since I'm in an LDR, it's inevitable that we will have to move to this stage of living together, however, I just don't want to do it yet. And need to tie up loose ends in this country first. Having said that, I think that your SO's reaction was probably the best possible that you could have hoped for given that his answer was basically, "no." However, you may need to go back to him and be clear that you want to move in together as you are serious about him and would like to agree a schedule for doing this that fits in with his plans. If he forsees it happening in the next year or so, then it's a good sign - it gives him enough breathing space but also reinforces that he's serious about you. If he doesn't see it happening for 2+ years, then perhaps you need to consider whether or not your goals and internal timelines align. If he is not happy to do any planning at all, then I agree with zengirl, it indicates that he's hesitant to see this as a 'forever' relationship. (If and) once you've agreed a way forward, then I suggest you let it go (no nagging) until the milestones in the agreed schedule. 1
jobaba Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I'm perhaps not the poster you would have expected a male perspective from, but here goes... The last girlfriend I lived with was also my most serious. When she suggested we live together, I was all for it even though we had some bouts of bickering that I considered non-serious at the time. What I will say about living together ... it magnifies problems that are already there, it does not create them. We bickered about the same stuff, just more often and also got into some minor arguments regarding housework and such. Marriage was still in the equation at the time and I have to say, living together pretty much put the nail in the coffin, and it WAS A GOOD THING. Relationships are not supposed to be hard work. People are not supposed to fight. Personally, as a man, I feel if your boyfriend is being skittish about you two moving in together, he either wants to keep some of his own freedom for now (acceptable) or is scared that the two of you will be at each other's throats (bad). How often do you guys fight or bicker? If often, then he doesn't want a bigger piece of you. If not often, then he just wants his space a guy. Single guys have crap they like to do when they are alone.
Els Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I don't think his decision says so much about lack of feeling towards you as it does about his own personal principles re: timelines and such. I know it sounds cliche, but it isn't about you, it's about him. And there's nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with you deciding that you don't want to wait any longer. But you can cross that bridge when you come to it, because if you're happy with how things are now I don't think there's a need for premature ultimatums or breakups.
luvinthesun Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I think taking things slow is always a good answer. Maybe you can stay there on your owrk nights?
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Jobaba: we very rarely fight. I can think of three that I would classify as "fights" over our 1+ year relationship. And they were about real issues, not nitpicking little squabbles. Each one ended with a clear solution and resolution and the issues have never come up again. We literally never bicker or argue, unless it's in a playful manner. Elswyth: you are right, and while he assured me that it's nothing I've done or haven't done, it's hard to truly believe that. Your words have reassured me a bit though, so thanks.
tman666 Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 As a guy who has cohabitated with his lady for the last 3 years or so, I can conjecture at his perspective. No matter how much he loves you, most guys are going to view, even if it's only subconsciously, such milestones in their relationships (moving in together, getting married, having kids) as a hindrance to their freedom. My theory is that this goes back to our primal biology: settling down with one woman is disadvantageous for the propagation of one's genetic code. There have been studies (of which I'm too lazy to dig up for citation) that show that married men tend to have lower testosterone levels than their single counterparts. Testosterone plummets further once a man has kids. These are, biologically speaking, apt responses in that men that run around town screwing everything with a vagina instead of raising their children tend to be worse providers to their offspring. Anyway, I wouldn't read too much into it yet. You've only been together for around a year, so there's nothing to indicate (yet) that he's not going to want to incrementally increase the commitment level of your relationship in the long term. Moving in together is a huge step. You learn a LOT about each other that you would never get without living with them. You'll also learn a lot about yourself. I would say don't rush it. Enjoy this time in your relationship. You never know: after moving in with him, you too might miss the little freedoms you take for granted living alone. That's not to say that one can't gain a lot from living with their partner. I personally have no regrets. Living with my girl has added a lot to our relationship and our lives. However, as others have said, the potential for the "messiness" of a breakup increases exponentially. Obviously not a decision to take lightly. Best of luck to you!
zengirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Yes, he did. His words were "I know myself, and I need my own space right now." When I met him he had just accepted his first position as a full-fledged doctor after spending years as a resident and then as a fellow. So he looks at this past year as a bit of a transition for him in that way, which I think has something to do with him needing space. Well, needing his space 'right now' is not necessarily a bad sign or indicative of what I said. Those two words 'right now' and it being a transition period DO change my diagnosis a little. We all go through states like that.
Quiet Storm Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I would give it another year and if there is no forward movement, let him go. I think by the time you are two years in, he should know if he wants to commit and have a future with you. If he doesn't know by then, then he is either holding out because he doesn't see you as "the one" or he is just not the settling down type. 25 is young, but to be completely honest, your value to some men will start to go down as you push 30. You can have your pick of men right now, but in five years you may notice that the pool of potentials is getting smaller and less worthy. I know it sounds superficial, I know it's not fair, but it's reality as I see it. I hate to see a woman waste her youth and beauty on a man that's stringing her along. 1
xxoo Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Like I've said, it's only been a year yet, so I'm in no rush. I certainly don't want to pressure him, and I accepted his feelings and only asked that we have an open dialogue about this in the future. But do you think his reaction to my suggestion is a bad sign? If it helps, I've just turned 25 and he's 32. Considering everything else going on in his life (being one year into his career), I don't think it's a bad sign. But I do think keeping the dialog open is a very good idea. It sounds like you are committed to him, and he should understand, acknowledge, and appreciate that. It would be a bad sign if he tried to avoid dialog about commitment--yours and his. Also, through open dialog, if he has a continually changing list of reasons why it is not the right time as time goes on, that will stand out.
Recommended Posts