Can't get over my ex

[Alex246]

Hi, I am trying to come to terms with a very difficult break up. I have blamed myself for a long time, we argued at points in the relationship but in the end he wasn't very nice, I had reason to believe he was unfaithful and would tell me I wasn't very good at things. He humiliated me in front of his mother. In the end he became very moody and critical and made it unbearable for me to stay and told me he didnt love me anymore and didnt enjoy spending time with me so I moved out. He kept contacting me after wanting to meet up so I agreed to meet him for a coffee after a month so I agreed to meet up, he said he was sorry and seemed really depressed and sad so I felt sorry for him and agreed to meet up with him as friends a few times. We only ended up arguing and he completely blamed me. In the end I started blaming myself, feeling like a bad person so I went to the doctors for anti depressants and he told me about whitewall. Basically it all ended up this week when my ex found out through a friend that another friend had tried to get with me about 6 months ago when we were together and my ex went mad with me for not telling him, saying I had made a mug out of him and told me I was nobody. This was the tipping point for me, it made me realize that it wasn't all my fault and I am really feeling like I do want to move forward without him. I am struggling a bit with feeling angry and frustrated, I am trying to distract myself through keeping busy and doing yoga but I still feel very upset by it all. I really tried to help him. He was so lovely when we first met and we lived together for 6 months which is why I think I'm finding it so hard. I wanted it to work so tried really hard but I think he just kept pushing it and being mean to me. The thing is that everyone thinks he's amazing. Everyone thinks he's such a nice person but he was a different person to me. I just want to move forward, do you have any suggestions on how I can do this?

I've since found out he's seeing a girl he cheated on me with. I feel terrible and really loved him and he was so amazing when we met

[danny1234]

Hi Alex.

 

I am a man, so a woman may want to answer you to give you their feedback.

 

Here's my advice:-

 

1) Keep talking about it and asking for advice from good friends or on forums like this.

 

2) You sound a lovely, caring, thoughtful person. He sounds horrendous and from just the little you've written, he has a lot of issues.

 

3) Think yourself lucky that you did not marry this person and THEN he showed his true colours, you may have felt LOCKED into the relationship.

 

4) I am trying to deal with a break up myself, and have read some of the messages on this forum which help. It has shown me there is a lot of people in our situations, we are not alone. There are also a lot of kind men will treat you with respect.

 

5) Because he changed after 6 months, I think you think that it was you that caused him to change, but I think it sounds like he was just showing his true colours.

 

6) (A girl might be able to advise you better on this one) Cut off all connections, remove him from fbook, im, your mobile phone. If you txts you or calls, do not answer or reply. He will probably leave messages ranging from how he is sorry and then he will probably get very angry. If you consistently don't reply he will give up.

 

7) HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

 

8) Start a new hobby or do some exercise, get a part time job.

 

9) YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HIM.

 

Take care,

Thinking of you.

Dan

[Alex246]

Thanks Dan, that's very kind. What I'm struggle with is how much I feel humiliated and lost my dignity on so many occasions. After we broke up I was so strong, I didn't contact him at all and he kept contacting and contacting me. I'm angry at myself for letting him back in and letting him hurt me. I'm also struggling with the fact he only blames me, I feel like I need him to say 'ok you know what, I was horrible at times' I gave accepted my responsibility in stuff I did but he just can't see it.

[Cyberpunk]

Don't beat yourself up over it. There are days when I want nothing more than to call up my Ex and force her to admit to me that she was only with me for my money. But then I resist the urge to break NC and I realize that she doesn't even deserve the time of day from me.

 

You will move on and find a man you deserve. There are a lot of us out there.

[LovelyDaze]

I just want to move forward, do you have any suggestions on how I can do this?

I've since found out he's seeing a girl he cheated on me with. I feel terrible and really loved him and he was so amazing when we met

 

The way you move forward is to read the last two sentences you've just wrote.

 

So A.) He is NOW with a girl he CHEATED on you with? That is a slap in the face. Disrespectful and shows EXACTLY who he is and what you meant to him.

 

and B.) He was so amazing when you both met but he showed he isn't Mr. Amazing after all is he? Everyone is not the ex he cheated on so of course they have nothing but accolades for him.

 

Go NC for sure. You need to believe in your heart that you deserve better.

Trust me. 3 years ago I was heartbroken to & never believed I'd find better and I did just recently. You WILL get over him. A guy who will treat you like gold is waiting for you to heal...

[Alex246]

Thanks so much for your kind words everyone. They mean the world. I just want him to realize what he's done - do you think he ever will? X

[Philosoraptor]

I just want him to realize what he's done - do you think he ever will? X

When you lose this thought you will find a lot of peace with everything that has happened. Work on not worrying about how he feels and that he comes to a certain conclusion, and put that focus on you and what you want out of this world.

[danny1234]

I just want him to realize what he's done - do you think he ever will? X

 

In order to reflect on things and learn you have to predominantly have a conscience, he doesn't sound like he's got one - therefore - no.

 

As human beings we are often genetically programmed:-

1) to want the things we can't have.

2) to want to change people - into what they were (or appeared to be).

 

You are too good for this guy.

 

Your hardest challenge now is to stay NC. This will be very difficult especially if he tries hard to contact you. Google 'no contact' for advice and tips on this.

 

Take care,

Dan.

[Alex246]

I dont think he will now he has this new girl. Plus I logged into his Skype a while ago and made up a fake email address to find out about this girl so he just thinks I'm a crazy, stupid cow. I know I shouldn't have done it but I was so upset and in a really bad place.

[Oncehadluv]

Maybe it's co dependancy and not actually HER your missing

 

 

Just a thought