vtgirl Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Pretty much, my bf brings his ex up sometimes. Mind you they were in a 10 yr relationship. It's usually nothing serious. Like today, he told me a story how she was pissed when he accidently killed a cat. Things like that. Should I be worried? When is it time for him to stop talking about her?
InJest Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Next time he does, bring up a time you and your ex did something sexual. For example, using the example that you just did, regarding killing the cat. You could have responded, "Yeah that's weird. Speaking of cats, my ex never wanted to have sex with his cat in the room, but I always liked it because it made me feel like someone was watching." Just every time he brings up the ex, find a way to twist it into something sexual that it reminds you about of yours. He'll stop.
pteromom Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Two options for you: - Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable when he tells stories about his ex or talks about her, and ask him not to. Or... - Realize that it is your own insecurity that causes your reaction to this, and when he talks about his ex, remind yourself that she is gone and you are here and he's chosen you. Personally, I would go with the second. I don't tell any stories that have exes in them to my husband, because it makes him uncomfortable, and I feel like there is a large part of me he doesn't know at all, because there are so many experiences that were critical to my growth and life that I can't share with him. This was 10 years of his life! I would try to get over the jealousy about the past.
rhoda Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I think its natural to reference your past experiences every now and then that include exes. For as long he doesn't do it all the time or makes it seem like she the one who got away I think u will be just fine. We all are insecure to some degree but I think if u communicate that it bothers you to him he will dial it down a bit. I dated a guy who had been through an ugly divorce and all he spoke about was his ex, how much of a b*** she was etc. I remember we never went a day without her coming up to a point where I didn't want him either. I think we need to learn how to appreciate the present and let go of the past. 1
Christine52 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes, A frank and honest discussion with him about how it makes you uncomfortable should nip this in the bud. Make sure you preface the conversation like this: 1. Ask him that there was something you needed to talk to him about, and if now is a good time. He may be busy, or just not in the mood, so this is key. 2. Tell him you want to have an open and honest conversation with him and you invite him to be honest with you, and that you would really respect him for it as you are looking to gain perspective as well. 3. Tell him what you just told us, saying I, ME more than YOU. For example, instead of saying "You always bring up your ex", you can say "There are times when your ex is brought up in conversations, and it makes me feel uncomfortable because x.y.z 4. "What do you think?" He may need time to think about it. That is fine.
RiverRunning Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 This is a red flag, OP. Has he ever asked if you MIND if he talks about his ex-girlfriend? If he hasn't, it makes it an even bigger 'watch out.' My ex started out like that: he'd mention his ex-girlfriends here and there. Thinking that I was 'just being jealous,' I kept my mouth shut. Eventually it started getting into sexual details. Again, I thought: "Why am I so bothered? He's not dating her. I'm just being JEALOUS..." End result? He wouldn't shut up about her. 24/7 talks about her, kept pictures of her everywhere, unveiled he was STILL in contact with her after we'd been together for a year (and he had lied to me, telling me they weren't in contact. The big kicker? "Well, we don't talk that much, and I don't think that's 'being in contact,' so I told you we weren't in contact). The list goes on and on. I wish I had listened to my gut early on. Sure, you can be 'rational' about this to death. She doesn't need to be there ****ing him for it to be an issue in your relationship. If a guy's got his eye on another woman, whether she's currently in the picture or not, it's not a good thing. Exes get back together all of the time. How long have you two been together, by the way? If it's only been a few months and this is already an issue, I vote for 'run.' Is she still in the picture at all - even if just on the periphery? Again, run. Bet you any money that if all of that holds true, the moment she comes back cooing she's sorry, he'd dump you and be back with her. But even if there's no possible way for them to get back together, you need to nip this in the bud now. I'd tell him, "It really makes me uncomfortable when you bring up your exes. We're still getting to know each other. Can we just talk about us and omit details about the exes?" Later on if innocuous stories come up sometimes, or even often, they're less of a pain. But early on? That's a relationship death sentence. If he at all tells you that you're being "controlling" or "irrationally jealous," sure, try the passive-aggressive tactic others suggested. Start mentioning your ex and see how he reacts. In my experiences, most folks who call others 'controlling' or 'jealous' are even worse themselves. My ex, despite being hung up on his ex, was so jealous of one of my co-workers he couldn't stand it. I had never shown in the least that I was interested in my co-worker. But needless to say, when the co-worker started wanting to ask me out, my ex dropped his ex like she was on fire. Fact is, your boyfriend has a history with that woman. And he needs to make sure he keeps it there - history. If it gets any worse, definitely run. 1
ohmygoshistalk Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 yeah like someone else said, bring up ur ex. talk about how he tasted, what he did with a certain position, how much u like it.. seriously if it hurts u it has to stop.
Titania22 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I understand the concept of not mentioning exes in a new relationship, but 10yrs is a large part of life. So it's bound to happen every now and then. It doesn't necessarily mean the person is still hung up. My advice, monitor how often he mentions her, and only say something, if it seems like he is mentally moving on with his life.
FitChick Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I actually like hearing about the exes. I can learn more about the guy -- what he likes, doesn't like, how he handles situations, how he deals with people, etc. I talk about my exes only if it's relevant to make a point or describe a situation I was in. If I had something to hide (was pining away for an ex) I wouldn't say anything!
zengirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Pretty much, my bf brings his ex up sometimes. Mind you they were in a 10 yr relationship. It's usually nothing serious. Like today, he told me a story how she was pissed when he accidently killed a cat. Things like that. Should I be worried? When is it time for him to stop talking about her? Sounds like a fairly normal way of sharing his past experiences with you. Unless he seems to idolize her or resent her or something or she comes up ALL the time, I would realize it as my own insecurity. Are the stories ever indicative of something off? Or are they just stories?
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