Move on or make it work?

[Irishman2384]

Hello LoveShack members! I am new here but I have been browsing these forums for a few months now desperate to find someone in a similar situation and although I have found others in the same boat, everyone's relationship situation is truly unique to them for many reasons so I figured I'd sign up and get some direct advice for MY situation.

 

I'm going to do my very best to be specific but to the point. Forgive me in advance if I ramble off at points and maybe write far more than I should. A pain shared is a pain halved!!

 

I met this girl at my work a few years ago. She's from Nicaragua, beautiful, 21 years old, petite...there isn't much about her that I am not attracted to. I worked with her indirectly for the first four or five months I knew her but ran into her a lot because we did work in the same department, just on different sides of the building. I eventually asked her out to lunch and she explained to me that she was engaged and she kept a strict policy of being honest with her fiancee and she couldn't agree because he would be jealous of her going out to lunch with a male co-worker. I understood and went about my business as usual. We got to know one another pretty well, more-so than just the usual co-worker friendships over the next several months but it never left work.

 

We moved into a new facility after about a year of knowing this girl and we ended up sitting right next to each other. We were working on the same contracts and projects and started exchanging e-mails at work, which led to innocent flirting (my fault as I like to charm ladies and be very flirty) etc. but it was all innocent and never went beyond the being unfaithful threshold.

 

We started taking breaks together and became closer than ever. I could feel how strong my attraction for her had become and I could feel it coming from her towards me too but knowing she was engaged I didn't push this subject of even talk about it. A few more months pass and attraction and feelings were at a peak.

 

She pulls me outside to a break one afternoon and explains to me a woman from her church asked her out to lunch and that this woman told her that he fiancee had approached her about getting to know her better, to take her out to dinner etc. essentially planning to cheat. She told me she broke things off with him and told him to come get their ring. To make this portion of the story short, they split and her and I jumped right into chatting outside of work all night 3-4 hours a night, texting, sharing truths about our feelings for one another, falling asleep over the phone with each other (she never wanted to hang up).

 

A few weeks of this and I receive an e-mail at work that she wants to meet me outside of work as she has something to talk to me about. I took this in the worst way possible as I assumed it was going to be she was reconnecting with her ex and that we had to stop. It turns out it was that she could no longer contain herself in wanting to kiss me. I am not being conceited but I have been told by almost every girl I have been with that I'm one of the best kissers and I knew that things were about to really change between us. We made out for about an hour and she told me that I was the best kisser she had ever met and it was so much more than she had expected. It was for me too, honestly, and I've had some girlfriends that were great kissers. There was so much passion and chemistry that I was literally dizzy after we parted ways that afternoon and I've never felt that with a female.

 

We continued talking like usual for another month or so and this is where things start to go downhill. Her ex turns into the typical psycho ex. The one who calls her phone 25-30 times in a row, calls her work phone, shows up at her work and her home. The usual psycho crap. We have a talk one afternoon and she explains to me he is literally driving her crazy. She goes on to tell me that she is giving him another chance because she really does love him in her heart and he will not stop calling or showing up at her home until she does. She explains that she truly cares for me but she has to do this. I am obviously heartbroken but what choice did I have? Because I cared for her, I told her I would cut all contact and let her have the opportunity to give things another chance with him. She thanks me and we move on.

 

A few days go by and she texts me, just to say hi and I'm obviously irritated because going through something like this, as everyone who is a member of this board knows, is extremely painful and hard. I can't ignore her and we continue chatting and eventually things lead right back to where they were. I find out she has broken things off with him again shortly thereafter.

 

We continue our usual and go out to dinner a few times, the movies, and out to a nice private section of a romantic beach and have an amazing night together. I drove her car home with her attached to my arm the entire ride, asleep. We did not have sex as we have values we abide by, spiritually, but we got as close as you can without going against our beliefs. At this point I thought things were going great but within a week, I find out she is talking to her ex again and is going to give him an "honest" chance without talking to me at all.

 

At this point I'm down to two heartstrings but what choice did I have? At this point, I loved this girl and was falling in love with her. I couldn't ignore her and I couldn't tell her no. I could tell she cared for me and had strong feelings but she also had feelings, likely stronger, for her ex.

 

I let her be and went NC for two weeks and once again, I get a text from her. She explains to me that her and him are done for good but she wants to take things slow with me as it's too soon for her to jump right back into a relationship. I completely understood and agreed. I appreciated her honesty at all times and she was absolutely right.

 

We started things up again, slowly...but something didn't feel right. I asked her for an explanation and she told me that during those two weeks, she lost certain feelings for me because she wanted to give her ex an honest chance. Confused, I accepted the explanation and we continued as usual. Things were going slow, but great. We would still kiss and hold hands from time to time. This eventually let to us exchanging "I love yous". She said it first but in a subtle way which I asked her to repeat and she did but made it clear what she was trying to tell me. I told her I loved her too and it felt...normal, true and like a real expression of feelings.

 

We hung out, watched movies, went out a few times and then...you guessed it...we had that talk, AGAIN. At this point, I couldn't really take it anymore. My heart was crushed, almost completely. She told me she didn't want to lead me on and that she still loved her ex and something was bugging her in her heart. I could tell my anger at her hurt her and that she really did feel bad for what she had done to me. After this, we had spoken a few dozen times and things eventually trickled to talking a few times a week. I explained to her that I felt like we were completely drifting apart and she agreed.

 

That night we talked about being friends. She asked if I wanted to be her friend and I said of course, do you? She said that it would be very hard for her because she was still attracted to me and while trying to work things out with her ex it might cause confusion and problems. I said okay, no problem, forget it. I'm not going to let you put me through this stuff anymore. I told her that I still loved her and cared for her very much but it was best for ME to move on with me life, as much as I didn't want to and to let her figure things out with herself and her ex.

 

Work became really awkward as she wouldn't even make eye contact with me, would take the out of the way exits from work to avoid me which led to me giving her the same treatment.

 

This other co-worker she is close with and shares all of her problems with would talk with me sometimes at the break table and one afternoon she brought up this girl. I mentioned to her that it sucked things had to be this way and that we were adults and should be able to handle at least being cordial at work but she went on to explain to me that this is what this girl wants and she thinks its best for her to be like this. I said okay, that's fine, I don't want to talk about it or her anymore and it's the last you'll ever hear about it from me.

 

The same day I get an e-mail from her, the girl. We chat a little bit and both agree the way things have been was stupid and that it didn't have to be like that. We went on break a few times together and have exchanged a few e-mails and words when passing one another.

 

What all of this had led to (I had to give the full back story, I loved and still love this girl although MOST of the hurt is gone) and the question I need answered is this.

 

Lately, this last week or so, I have refused to e-mail her and have been pleasant with smiles etc. but avoid sitting with her at lunch or talking to her outside because I have been the only one initiating contact since her original e-mail and it makes me feel like she's getting some kind of satisfaction out of me still reaching out to her after such a long NC. With our recent reconnection via her e-mail, I told her simple things like I am still attracted to her so if I flirt, I apologize and she told me she was still attracted too and that she understands.

 

What I want to know is should I resume being passive and distant with her like I was prior to her e-mail contact while just remaining pleasant and polite or should I continue to reach out to her? Do you think she really is getting some satisfaction out of it? I am, for the most part, over her but sometimes I recall the good memories and some of the pain returns but I am over the worst part, I know for sure and given a few more months I'll be back to 100%.

 

Given the whole story, how would you react to her? Which path would you take knowing you had to work with and see this girl every day? Polite, pleasant but passive and show her none of this bothers me anymore with just little hi's and byes (maybe with a little flirting with other female co-workers lol)? Or should I reach out to her and really try to be friends? Again, I get that feeling she gets some satisfaction out of me reaching out to her but I want others opinions if I am looking into things too much and need to be more casual about trying to be her friend.

 

Thanks for reading all of this, I know it's a lot but I wanted to give the history to everything between us. THANKS for your time and opinions, I really do appreciate it!!!

[NXS]

I think the "Polite and pleasant" approach is the way to go here, not sure what you mean by "passive".....basically a business-like relationship.

 

Btw she's not your friend, friends don't treat each other the way she treats you. You're just her back-up plan, and I don't think she has much respect for you the way you keep waiting for her and taking her back. I think you should let this one go and move on.

[LoverOfDance]

I think people on here are sometimes a little bit too harsh if that's the right word. I'm sure u guys are friends and this seems like a really difficult situation not just 4 u but 4 her as well. I understand why it is so hard 4 her to let go of this guy. I mean she was just about to spend the rest of her life with him before u came into the picture. I think honestly, no one can tell what the future's gonna be. Anything can happen. I think u shouldn't get too close to her because your feelings might re-surface and it will become too difficult 4 u emotionally. I think u should just keep being nice to her. That way u remain on good terms cause u never know, one day she might finally decide to leave him 4 good.

[Irishman2384]

Thanks for the feedback both replies are sound advice, however, because I do love her and care for her deeply, I can handle being nice but passive (business relationship).

 

Earlier she walked by my desk and I smiled at her and she flicked me in the back. I'm not sure if I mentioned it but she talks to absolutely no-one here, minus one female Latina who she can relate with. I feel special having experienced what I did with this girl. Even her roommate said something a while back while I was over there that "you're lucky if she talks to you, she hardly says a word to me!".

 

Thanks for the time you spent reading my story and for the advice!

[Joaquin]

My feeling is that she is playing u dude and loving the ego stroke of having u telling her how great she is.

 

She knows she's got u hooked, yet also puts u on notice that she intends to keep trying with her ex.

 

She is not over her ex. She's told u. Believe her.

 

I would chalk it up and move on. Maybe try and get a bit of sex out of it before if possible. Seems an awful waste of time not to.

Edited June 14, 2012 by Joaquin

[luvinthesun]

I didnt read the whole thing- epople need time between relationships is the point. Id tell her you cant date her tild she has had no conatct with him for sometime- whatever amount u think ...

[dasein]

You should be polite and distant at work and that's it. You are in love with a rebounding woman, you were almost surely a main reason for her breakup with the fiancee regardless of what she says about him planning cheating. You and she participated in an emotional affair which can be every bit as damaging to an existing relationship as a physical affair. You are both cheaters in that respect, and I have a hard time believing both presumably adult parties didn't know exactly what was going on while this was developing.

 

In the future consider not getting involved with people at work, especially not building intimate relationships with those who are engaged. Neither you nor she are world class villains here, but you both did significant wrong. Good luck.