ER12 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I have been reading this forum for awhile and I enjoy all your advice. Now I have an issue I need help on. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We live together and are getting married this August. I am very happy with him:love: Now the bad stuff that has me wondering. When we argue he gets upset that I do not get "angry". I get silent and that makes him more angry. He said he will not yell in front of the kids (mine from previous) but what if they are not around? He has put his fist through the walls before when drinking, he has never hit me, but I do not know what to think of this. Sometimes he will just walk away and sometimes he will get really mad at me. He has told me he has never hit a woman before but I get him so mad sometimes. Any advice? Am I thinking to much of this?
Philosoraptor Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes, that sounds like a huge issue. I can understand being upset that someone isn't opening up but to the point you're putting your fist through the wall? He definitely has some anger issues.
Author ER12 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 yes I agree, I have brought it up to him and he just blows/laughs it off. Saying things like, 'I'm getting out of work early so you better be good when I get home" What the heck is that supposed to mean!? Just weird stuff.
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes, since you know how to compose yourself during an argument, he probably doesnt understand how thats possible. I think he enjoys letting out anger to make himself feel better, and thats why he gets more riled up at your composure. You might want to consider postponing the marriage until you find out if he wants to work on the anger issues, because it will likely get worse as you get older. Heres the catch of that, you dont get married to someone hoping they will change something about themselves, so you really might want to find out if he will work on this or not. 1
Christine52 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I have been reading this forum for awhile and I enjoy all your advice. Now I have an issue I need help on. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. We live together and are getting married this August. I am very happy with him:love: Now the bad stuff that has me wondering. When we argue he gets upset that I do not get "angry". I get silent and that makes him more angry. He said he will not yell in front of the kids (mine from previous) but what if they are not around? He has put his fist through the walls before when drinking, he has never hit me, but I do not know what to think of this. Sometimes he will just walk away and sometimes he will get really mad at me. He has told me he has never hit a woman before but I get him so mad sometimes. Any advice? Am I thinking to much of this? I always say that drinking makes already existing personality traits more apparent. If he gets really angry when he drinks, that is a HUGE warning sign to me. Especially if I have kids. Yes, it's unsettling that you do not get upset when you are arguing/fighting - is that because you don't really care about said issue, or you are indifferent? Or is that because you are generally very level-headed, calm, and easy going person? I've always wondered this because I too get upset if the other person in the argument seems like they're completely cool while I'm getting red in the face lol 1
FitChick Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 If you still want to get married, you should go for premarital counseling. Most churches seem to offer it. Otherwise, there is couples counseling. I'm wondering how his parents and siblings act when they are angry. How do yours act?
pteromom Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes, VERY bad signs. Do not marry him unless and until he learns to control his anger. 1
RiverRunning Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Slamming his fists into walls? Run, OP. That's a big warning sign and that's a sign of somebody who has a very poor handle over his anger. It's immature and, well, destructive. I'd say he needs to go to anger management before you walk down the aisle with him.
SmileFace Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes. It is a bad sign and I think you need to both try couple counseling. To work on both his anger problems and your communication style; since he doesn't seem to understand how you communicate so you both need to work on that.
Bristolius Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Hitting the wall is a threat display. Good advice in the above posts.
daphne Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 If you still want to get married, you should go for premarital counseling. Most churches seem to offer it. Otherwise, there is couples counseling. I'm wondering how his parents and siblings act when they are angry. How do yours act? I would highly second this. He sounds a little like my sister. She thrives on drama and is a very angry person. SHe doesn't like it when others do not join in or able to maintain their composure. It's like an alcoholic who doesn't want anyone tee totalling around them. They think it makes them look bad. Personally, I wouldn't want this but if you think you can't leave him, at least please seek premarital counseling. This is his problem.
amymarieca Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Hitting your fist through a wall is not a normal reaction that people have on a regular basis. You can bet that same anger will come out in front of the kids eventually, and maybe even towards them too. You aren't the only one entering this marriage and you have to consider that.
Author ER12 Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I have to say I am not an angry person. Thats why I get silent and tend to walk away. Its not that the situation is not important to me, it is very important. I do not know how his mom or dad is, they do not have a relationship at all so I have not met them. I told him last night that I was going to go out with my friends for a few drinks, he said he would be "very angry and come track me down". That was a bit disturbing. And I put a password on my phone cause I butt dial people ect...he seen that I did and asked why. I told him, then after I texted someone and left the room he jumped on my phone real quick before it could lock and looked at all my texts. Then had to question me about them. But then he said "he dont care" if I have a password. When clearly he does.
Quiet Storm Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 He is insecure, controlling and can't control his anger. Those are all bad signs. I would not bring my children into a home with this man. Alcohol will just bring that side of him out more frequently. These types of issues don't just go away without therapy and self introspection. He doesn't have the coping skills to deal with his anger & emotions. If you marry him you will end up isolating yourself from family & friends because he will be suspicious of your outside activities. You will find yourself changing your behavior and biting your tongue to avoid potentional outbursts from him. Even if you can convince him to reign in the anger, those feelings are still going to be there under the surface. He will stuff that anger until one day he just explodes from the built up resentment that you didn't even know was there. I have a few friends and family members with men like this, and they all ended up feeling trapped and miserable.
Brit Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Hate to be the one to break the bad news, but those who act in the manner in which he is, are usually projecting, meaning he is most likely cheating in some manner, these are the basic signs. Plus, there is no compatibility. He angers, you know the silent treatment inflames him more, so you continue to do so knowing this. Too much drama, will never work in the long run. Take it as a blessing, you can base your decisions now before signing a unhappiness till do us part contract with him.
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