just curious if this might be gigs?

[ihateslowjams]

Basically we've been broken up for 10 days and she broke it off due to the following reasons:

1. i didn't have the drive and determination to be successful in life.

 

2. she wanted to be single to see if she can live life by herself since she's never been single.

 

3.she relied on me too much and wants to stop that.

 

4.she felt restricted while she was still with me.

 

5.we're at different stages in our lives-she is 23 and successful, while I'm 27 going to school and work. she makes double i make.

 

6. I've lost confidence in myself and I've stopped taking her out, showing her new things.

 

some background on her and me:

she had a very toxic 4 year on-off relationship from middle of high school to middle of college. after they broke up, she dated a guy soon after, but never "got" with him. While she was dating him, she met me and dropped him right after. we got together 2 months later... the relationship lasted about 3 1/2 years until 8 days ago. She mentioned how i was great and never knew a bf could be as sweet, loving, and caring... yet she still broke it off due to my pending status in life. She mentioned how i had an idea of what i want to do/be, but didn't know the steps to get there.

 

Im currently working and going to a community college for the past 3 years. I was rejected from a university last year when i tried to apply to transfer, but next year i should get it for sure. Ive cut my hours from work in order to focus more on school, which caused me to lose more money and forced me to stop going out as much.

 

Towards the last 3-4 months of the relationship, she stopped becoming intimate, mentioning how I've lost confidence in my self and she wasn't attracted to me anymore. At the time, i was going through some events that kept bringing me down and had no one to talk to about it. Whenever i did bring it up with her, she didn't really offer much encouragement except for "you'll be fine, i know you will."

 

During those months, she became really close to a few of her coworkers and started partying with them all the time during the weekends. We only saw each other on the weekends, so it took much time apart from us. She mentioned during the relationship she felt restricted while she was still with me, but didn't elaborate. That sentence alone can mean so many different things. I never told she couldn't go out with her friends at anytime. In fact, i was always supportive of her going out and partying with her own friends.

 

So, might this be considered GIGS? or she just fell out of love/attraction with me? She has always talked to her exes after their relationships, but I'm the first one she doesn't even want to talk to. We've been in NC since the break up and it has been on my mind... Any insights?

Edited June 13, 2012 by ihateslowjams

[Philosoraptor]

Do you notice how she jumps from one relationship to another? That's an issue to begin with and makes her sound like she is unable to be alone.

 

But she gave you a list of reasons why she wanted to end things. They seem valid enough to me if she truly believes them to be true.

[ihateslowjams]

sigh... I guess it just gets me frustrated about this whole situation because she knows what I've been going through and she didn't care much about it. However, when she had many issues and problems that came her way, i was always there for her and was very understanding of her frustration, never using it against her and trying to encourage her. Now, when the rolls are reversed, she uses my depression as a reason/belief to leave me... She wanted me to fend for myself. (sorry to vent...)

[Philosoraptor]

sigh... I guess it just gets me frustrated about this whole situation because she knows what I've been going through and she didn't care much about it. However, when she had many issues and problems that came her way, i was always there for her and was very understanding of her frustration, never using it against her and trying to encourage her. Now, when the rolls are reversed, she uses my depression as a reason/belief to leave me... She wanted me to fend for myself. (sorry to vent...)

And you aren't glad to have this person out of your life why? You can find someone who will be there for you in your times of need.

[flitzanu]

your checklist was nearly identical to what an ex did to me ten years ago!!

 

she doesn't want to be with you, she wants to go explore her life on her own. it's the "nice" way of breaking up with you by not actually saying it.

[ihateslowjams]

I've wondered, was it because of something I did? Couldn't do? Couldn't provide for her? was it inevitable? She bought tickets for us for a concert a few months down the line and bought me gifts the day before we broke up. Why would she even bother if she was planning on breaking up?

[Jose11]

This is kind of what happened to me. I never really knew, but i assumed she wanted to go off and explore life on her own. No one to "hold her back" or to think of when she makes decisions.

 

Sorry to say it looks like a case of GIGS all the way. There were probably a few things you could have done differently, but in the end it wouldn't have made a difference, its inevitable with certain people. Once she finishes "exploring" she might come back and look for you. But who knows how long that will be months, years? You should put your life on hold waiting for her. Its not fair to you, and would you want someone like that back in your life who would drop you like a bad habit? Trust will be very hard to come by if you do.

 

best of luck to you

[flitzanu]

I've wondered, was it because of something I did? Couldn't do? Couldn't provide for her? was it inevitable? She bought tickets for us for a concert a few months down the line and bought me gifts the day before we broke up. Why would she even bother if she was planning on breaking up?

 

honestly, no. as once told by someone wise on this forum, you're only responsible for 50% of the relationship. you could go over a list an hundred pages long about what you did or didn't do for her, and it really boils down to her being maybe not UNHAPPY, but at least UNSETTLED. things like this are definitely premeditated, and it's something she's thought about for a while, and for whatever reason, that day just happened to be the one she chose, or felt strong enough, to walk.

 

my HONEST opinion right now dude, is to back off. these are very quirky situations. if you push her or chase too much, or act crazy desperate, she's going to leave for sure. she knows you want her, and now you've got to show her that she's chosen to be alone and LET her be alone.

[Jose11]

flintzanu I 100% agree. same thing happen to me. things like that didn't happened overnight. she was feeling like this for a while, the day we broke up was the day she had enough. she even told me she was unhappy with herself and not with us. but the more i think about it its because people get freaked out a bit when they realize this other individual is going to be it for the rest of their lives.

 

the best thing is to leave it as is. she knows how you feel and she should be the one to come back to you. it should be her willing choice and no one else's. don't pressure her or bring up the relationship unless she does. no one can be forces or convinced to be in a relationship, otherwise it will happen again.

[ihateslowjams]

Thanks for all of ur insights. I've gone NC the night we broke up and haven't chased her one bit. I think I'm just trying to find answers for myself so I learn from this and can improve to have a better relationship next time. I've been kicking myself down because I've been wondering now if I could have tried harder. In some cases I could have, but I don't think sacrificing my job would be a good decision (so I can focus on school more).

[Eddie Edirol]

I've wondered, was it because of something I did? Couldn't do? Couldn't provide for her? was it inevitable? She bought tickets for us for a concert a few months down the line and bought me gifts the day before we broke up. Why would she even bother if she was planning on breaking up?

 

Dont worry about gigs. I believe she was truthful with one reason, which was she is ready to be committed to someone who is on her level of ambition. It truly sucks if you are ambitious and you feel like the person youre with is dragging you down. Not only that, I also believe she is at work looking at successful men looking at her, she knows she can trade up from you. I think After seeing that temptation, she caved.

 

She probably brought you gifts to ease her guilt for bringing this up out of the blue, thinking you would take the breakup easier with a parting gift. But i truly believe the gift is something she can convince herself she isnt a bad person for leading you on for months while contemplating ending the relationship.

 

Im sure there were a number of things you did, but I'm also sure she is guilty of a few errors too. You will start to eventually remember little things that happened that contributed to her losing her attraction for you. She says you didnt show her new things, you say you got comfortable...well did she show you new things? If you lost confidence in yourself, that is a mood killer. You cant expect a 23 year old who is majorly ambitious to want to hear you complain about things that you arent fixing. if she is hot and ambitious, she will know she can do better. People who are depressed will just bring you down. So take this time to get your confidence back and fix your problems before getting with anyone new.

 

Reasons like "I felt restricted while with you" could just mean she didnt want to hang with you on the weekends while she wanted to hang with co workers. So thats BS because she just wanted to start a new life.

[ihateslowjams]

Thanks eddie. I guess that was the answer I was looking for. She was very ambitous, that's what I adore about her. I really need to get my life together...

[ihateslowjams]

Im starting to realize just how awesome she was and how i didn't deserve her at the moment... I took her for granted and was content with what i had, thinking nothing could go wrong and wanted "constants" in my life. I should have kept pushing to improve every day, but realized this way too late and now i see exactly why she broke it off...

 

is there no way she would even think about a second chance in the future? Ive honestly taken the steps to improve my life already, but the big changes won't happen till months later... man, i really screwed up here and i just want her back.

Edited June 14, 2012 by ihateslowjams

[Philosoraptor]

Im starting to realize just how awesome she was and how i didn't deserve her at the moment... I took her for granted and was content with what i had, thinking nothing could go wrong and wanted "constants" in my life. I should have kept pushing to improve every day, but realized this way too late and now i see exactly why she broke it off...

 

is there no way she would even think about a second chance in the future? Ive honestly taken the steps to improve my life already, but the big changes won't happen till months later... man, i really screwed up here and i just want her back.

Oh come on now. I'm going to have to pull out these raptor claws.

 

Let me tell you right now you are more than worthy of the love and adoration of anyone and everyone. You are not less of a person or unworthy because someone decides you were not a good match.

 

I will tell you that not many people want to take back someone who is sitting around having a pity party. If you are improving yourself because you want to improve yourself, great. Don't rush to make changes to impress someone though as they will not stick nor will you be happy with them.

[ihateslowjams]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I need to get over this depression stage and stop looking for answers of why things happened the way they did. I need to focus on what i need to do to do what i believe is best for me and me alone. so far the break up has been 12 days but NC for 4 days... how much longer am i gonna dwell...? Its really affecting my job performance and mood when i spend time with my friends. Is there any advice on how to move forward faster?

[Philosoraptor]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I need to get over this depression stage and stop looking for answers of why things happened the way they did. I need to focus on what i need to do to do what i believe is best for me and me alone. so far the break up has been 12 days but NC for 4 days... how much longer am i gonna dwell...? Its really affecting my job performance and mood when i spend time with my friends. Is there any advice on how to move forward faster?

Take your focus off the past and don't worry so much about the future. For now live in the moment and truly experience what you are doing. When outside do you truly feel the sun on your skin or is it just hot out? Do you stop and smell the flowers or just glance as you walk by?

[ihateslowjams]

"Take your focus off the past and don't worry so much about the future. For now live in the moment and truly experience what you are doing. When outside do you truly feel the sun on your skin or is it just hot out? Do you stop and smell the flowers or just glance as you walk by?"

 

Sorry raptor, i didn't see your post till now. Im trying to focus on the present, but its rather very difficult to enjoy the moment. I still can't get my mind off of the past and my ex. The mornings are the worst, but I'm trying my hardest to be productive. The break up really opened my eyes towards myself and am desperate to improve it. Im a very late bloomer in life and need to move out of my parents home and live life on my own. I really am hating this time restraint i have with school because i can't apply to transfer this september, but i still can't transfer there until fall 2013.

 

Right now, Im only on 7 days of NC and i know the wound is still fresh. What the usual time frame for me to begin feeling slightly better? I haven't logged into Facebook at all and stopped talking to people who knows my ex to follow NC. I only have a handful of friends at the moment and luckily they've been there for me throughout this ordeal.

[Philosoraptor]

It does take time. If you're putting your time to good use and taking care of yourself you will notice things get easier. Just continue to do what you can and don't get mad at yourself for not getting there faster. Heal at what pace feels best for you.