Finding physical flaws after 3+ months....why?

[Babolat]

This is a pattern I have had my entire life, so it's not unique to my current dating.

 

I am in my mid 40s. I have had 2-3 LTRs. Lots of dating in between.

 

The first 3 months is great, I am super attracted to a woman, the intimacy is great, the affection is great, the emotions are strong, to the point where I almost say the Love word, though I do not knowing it's way too soon....then wam...out of nowhere I start doing what I call "flaw picking". I find imperfections in them, their skin, their face, stupid stuff that weeks prior I never noticed. It will even transfer to idiosyncrasies that I thought were adorable that now are not.

 

An example is a girl I dated 15+ years ago. It went great for 2 months, then, the first time I saw her without makeup I was not attracted to her. And I could never move past that. So, now, when I meet someone I like I do what I can to see them without makeup earlier vs. later to make sure the attraction is still strong with or without.

 

I am not posting here to be attacked for being superficial. I have had 2 relationships where this eventually went away and the real beauty returned.

 

Is this a red flag, inner voice thing telling me this is not the right relationship? Is it that I am learning more and more about the person, maybe things I do not like, and I transfer that into physical flaws?

 

My question is do others, male or female, go thru this, and does anyone have an opinion as to why I do it? I have read books trying to figure it out...like the "honeymoon" is over and I am starting to see the "real person". Since this has been a pattern with me, I seriously doubt it's the person I am dating, rather some issue with me. And how is it possible to be soooo attracted to someone one day, and though still attracted to them, not as much the next?

 

How does one move past this?

Edited June 13, 2012 by Babolat

[FitChick]

It could be you are looking for excuses not to be so close and vulnerable and when you can't find a good reason, pick the superficial. Generally, the more we care about someone we tend to overlook the superficial.

[Babolat]

It could be you are looking for excuses not to be so close and vulnerable and when you can't find a good reason, pick the superficial. Generally, the more we care about someone we tend to overlook the superficial.

 

I have thought about this a lot. I was hurt pretty bad in my last LTR and the one before that. I am wondering if I am not allowing myself to be vulnerable and take a risk.

 

When I feel close to her, it's a wonderful feeling. The strange thing is, she is absolutely beautiful. My friends and her friends share this and I see it too, plus I see the way men look at her.

 

I am having jealousy and some insecurities with her like I have never had before. I work through it on my own without telling or showing her, which is something I was not able to do in previous LTRs.

[Christine52]

It seems like a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting rejected. A few serious relationships that didn't end up well can do that to a person.

 

Try to see a therapist so they can help you more professionally. This is not an insult, but a legitimate piece of advice. Many couples need to go to therapy just to keep it together, and it's no less true for us single folks who are trying to make their way in the dating world.

 

We all got issues, and insecurities, and sometimes we need an objective, professional, and compassionate person to help us walk through it.

[Oxy Moronovich]

Yeah, I'd say it's a defense mechanism for not wanting to be rejected. And you use judging her flaws as an excuse to leave.

[Babolat]

It seems like a defense mechanism to protect yourself from getting rejected. A few serious relationships that didn't end up well can do that to a person.

 

Try to see a therapist so they can help you more professionally. This is not an insult, but a legitimate piece of advice. Many couples need to go to therapy just to keep it together, and it's no less true for us single folks who are trying to make their way in the dating world.

 

We all got issues, and insecurities, and sometimes we need an objective, professional, and compassionate person to help us walk through it.

 

Thanks, I am actually seeing a therapist and we talk about this every 2 weeks. She agrees that it could be my fear of trusting again, fear of getting rejected and hurt. She has helped me a lot with dealing with my feelings of jealousy and insecurities. Thing is this girl has done nothing for me to feel this way. She has not come on strong yet she does and says enough that I know she is into me and likes me. I see and hear the special things she does to show she cares, which are soooo cool.

 

It's just that it feels so real and I hate it. I hate "seeing" this in her and I hate feeling this way. It's been strong for about a week now, with some highs in the middle where I felt very close to her. A week ago we had one of our closest, intimate times together ever, we both agreed to it, and since I have been up and down with my emotions, cold and hot if you will.

[OliveOyl]

I have done this myself... in fact I kind of did this with my current BF. The difference is, I didn't really lose attraction and I realized that he hadn't changed, so it was just stuff going on with me, not him.

 

I see it as a way that one's psyche brings about balance. In the beginning everything is all rosy and the other person looks "perfect." Well nobody is perfect and everyone does have flaws, so I think what happens is part of us wants to slow things down a bit and bring in the "other" viewpoint. I won't say objective viewpoint because the part that nitpicks is just as skewed as the rosy honeymoon perspective.

 

I just rode it through and found out that my internal "nitpicker" loosened its grip and now I feel like I have a more complete view of my BF. He has great aspects, and he has flaws, and that's who he is, and I can deal with it. I also notice I seem to go through cycles of rosiness vs. nitpicking and I think that's just normal.

[Ruby Slippers]

After going through a dead-end relationship with the kind of guy some call a "commitment phobe" (CP), I read a few books about people who are afraid to make relationship commitments and some of their patterns.

 

One of the chapters discussed how commitment phobes often do exactly what you've described - think their partner is just great at first, then in time start picking them apart for trivial things, with the purpose of breaking down the relationship until it can no longer survive. This gives the CP a way to get out, without having to face the real problem - which is that for some reason, they are afraid to make a real commitment in love.

[Babolat]

All great replies..thanks.

 

Sometimes I think being alone would be soooo much easier, though that is not a natural thing for us human beings. I know I need to learn how to get past this and allow myslef to love, be loved, take risks and be vulnerable.

[daphne]

Everyone does this to a certain extent early on. But usually, it lasts a day or two then you look at the whole again and you realize it's a good thing. But most of us aren't emotionally unavailable either. That's why you experience it more profoundly than the rest of us. You are more scared of vulnerability than the average person. It just means you have to work harder for it to have a meaninful relationship.

[zengirl]

I agree with the above, in that you are emotionally unavailable and perhaps a bit afraid of commitment.

 

But I wonder why it is manifesting in the physical form ONLY. That may give some hint as to what is making you emotionally unavailable, but not knowing you, I'm not sure. The make up incident is interesting. Did you ever have a R that you stayed in long after the sexual attraction had waned that turned to bitterness? Did your parents have a marriage that seemed to drag on and become bitter, where they didn't appear attracted to each other? (Not that any of us generally thinks in depth about our parents being attracted to each other, I suppose.) It's an interesting way for it to happen.

[SoleMate]

In my experience, when I am emotionally close to a person in a satisfying relationship, be it romantic or platonic, I find their appearance pleasing to me....even if objectively it does not meet magazine standards. My children have always looked gorgeous to me, for example. Even the little flaws are sweet. And likewise, I may see someone who looks quite attractive objectively, yet if they are unpleasant in personality, I no longer like the look of them.

 

Not really advice for you, just a data point. I do think the "defense mechanism" idea would be good to explore and address.

[Babolat]

There are some compatability things on my mind as well as some parts of her past are on my mind. So, maybe that's it...something to think about I guess. I was looking at a picture of us today thinking how beautiful she is though.

[carhill]

Is this a red flag, inner voice thing telling me this is not the right relationship? Is it that I am learning more and more about the person, maybe things I do not like, and I transfer that into physical flaws?

Perhaps. IME, finding my partner's 'flaws' and 'imperfections' to enhance her beauty is a strong signal that my words of love are in fact feelings of love.

 

I can't recall ever staying in a relationship long enough to face the quandary which you have. If I'm not all in and making love enthusiastically with a lady I love and find beautiful in all ways, I'm out. I've generally processed most of what you're talking about before lovemaking even begins. If we don't get there, we don't. Happened plenty over the decades.

 

If you have compatibility/past/FOO issues on your mind, get that stuff out and work it. You're a team if you want this to go the distance. That's what intimacy is about.

 

Here's some irony. Today I stumbled across a picture of my exW back 12 years ago when I was nursing her after some surgery right before we got married. She was decidedly looking un-beautiful and the picture reflected well the pain she was in but I experienced clearly the memory of how much I loved her at that point. Clarity. It will come.

 

Good luck.

[salparadise]

One of the chapters discussed how commitment phobes often do exactly what you've described - think their partner is just great at first, then in time start picking them apart for trivial things, with the purpose of breaking down the relationship until it can no longer survive. This gives the CP a way to get out, without having to face the real problem - which is that for some reason, they are afraid to make a real commitment in love.

 

Yup, it's called fear of engulfment. Being afraid of loosing one's independent identity by becoming vulnerable to another person.

[Babolat]

Thanks again, all great feedback.

[Babolat]

Yup, it's called fear of engulfment. Being afraid of loosing one's independent identity by becoming vulnerable to another person.

 

I have read about this and it makes sense.

 

I struggle with balance...spending time with her, spending time with my friends, spending time doing things on my own. We have both talked about this and how importnat balance is in your life...that you should not get All of your energy from your romantic partner.

 

With her schedule I have had to cancel things I had planned to do on my own otherwise we would not see each other. Maybe I should not cancel..maybe I am feeling some resentment and it's comes out with flaw picking...something to think about.

 

I also think a lot about losing my identity because I have done this in the past when I start to really like someone.

[Babolat]

Just read this online:

 

"Because we have all learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors – from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal, and resistance - every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other’s fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in every relationship. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just painful to be in a relationship and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge."