Mapper71 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Some of you may have seen my original post "My emotionally cheating husband" about this a couple of weeks ago, but if not here's a quick rundown. There is one ex girlfriend from about 15 years ago that my husband can't seem to get out of his head. She apparently lives about 30 minutes from us. I've never met her, but he brings up her name in conversation often when saying that he got this when they were together or this is from her or her parents were great. They were engaged back then but she broke it off. I have seen conversations they've had on Facebook. Funny thing is, he always seems to run into her when I'm not with him. He was at the bars for his bachelor's party and I was out of town and he ran into her. Never told me, just found out via Facebook. He even said to her "Same old thing...can't get you out of my head" 4 days before our wedding! She even said that she wished he was available as she'd like to see him again. Anyway there's more to it so go ahead and read the original post if you want the full scoop. Her name comes up in conversation at least twice a week and I should actually mark it on the calendar every time it does. Last night we were watching some local program and they showed the beginnings of this restaurant that's been around for many years. Then hubby goes "It's funny, well maybe not really all that funny, but Jen's dad used to go to that restaurant ALL the time". That was it. There was nothing more to the story. Why in the hell did he feel the need to tell me that?! It had no point or purpose...simply to just bring up Jen. Then a few nights earlier there was something in the news about Gabrielle Giffords who was shot in the head last year. Well wouldn't you know the same thing happened to Jen when they were together. She went to some bad part of town without DH and got mugged but wouldn't give the guy her purse and got shot in the head. Now she has one glass eye. DH goes "Yeah Jen got shot right in the head, I mean RIGHT in the head. I'm surprised she didn't die". At that point I just about brought up a guy I used to date who got into a bad car accident a few years after we broke up and was paralyzed, but after a few weeks began to walk and is now normal. You want to talk about Jen and all she overcame well let me tell you about my guy! In fact, let me bring up all the fun stuff we used to do and the one really romantic date he took me on. Do YOU want to hear about that?? I'm so damn tired of hearing her name. How can he be so dense as to talk about her as much as he does when he is married to me??
Philosoraptor Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I can't tell you why he keeps bringing her up but I can tell you that it is a bit alarming to have her in his head that much. Even more alarming to continue to bring her up to you. What's worse is that right before your wedding she was still on his mind. Sounds like his flame for her never went out.
SomedayDig Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I don't know why, but the song "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen immediately popped into my head after reading your post. It's one thing to have had a "good" girlfriend in your past, but it's quite another to never stop talking about her. Have you ever just asked him, "Why do you always talk about her?" If not, maybe ask that in a very non-threatened/threatening way and see where it goes.
Author Mapper71 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I don't know why, but the song "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen immediately popped into my head after reading your post. It's one thing to have had a "good" girlfriend in your past, but it's quite another to never stop talking about her. Have you ever just asked him, "Why do you always talk about her?" If not, maybe ask that in a very non-threatened/threatening way and see where it goes. No I've never brought it up. I told myself the next time he mentioned her name I was going to say something, but he was kind of in a crabby mood last night so I didn't think that was the best time to say anything.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Oh God...so depressing. I've spent 18 of my 36 years on this planet with my STBXW....how could I not talk about her? She's intertwined in half of my history. I know it's not fair to the new SO if I ever find one...
Author Mapper71 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Oh God...so depressing. I've spent 18 of my 36 years on this planet with my STBXW....how could I not talk about her? She's intertwined in half of my history. I know it's not fair to the new SO if I ever find one... If she had been a spouse I could see it, but it's an ex GF from 15 years ago! If anything I would think he would talk WAY more about his 14 year old daughter's mother, but she rarely comes up.
sunflower5 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Tell him to cut it out. It is disrespectful to you. Personally I feel this is a huge red flag and you need to sit down and have a discussion about this. Calmly state how it makes you feel and that he needs to stop. If he blows you off you really need to think about your M if he isn't concerned about your feelings. 1
spilled_ink Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 My theory is that people mention their exes as a way of inoculating themselves from the powerful toxic memories. Sort of like overcoming your fear of spiders by holding a spider in your hands. It's still inconsiderate, though. You should tell him to knock it off.
sad puppy Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 People talk about their exes to keep them alive. Who here is still talking about some loser they dumped 15 years ago? Yeah right, nobody. You think and talk about the ones that mean/meant something. You better speak up!! I can't believe you haven't. I'd keep a close eye on that situation. Not cool.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) If she had been a spouse I could see it, but it's an ex GF from 15 years ago! If anything I would think he would talk WAY more about his 14 year old daughter's mother, but she rarely comes up. Wow, now that is screwed up. 15 years ago is pretty far back! I would definitely bring it up to him though. Don't let yourself build resentment especially if he thinks there's nothing wrong. Edited June 13, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband
DEABQ Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 My former fiancé did the same thing. Constantly brought up an ex from 3 years prior. I believe she was trying to legitimize the fact that she was still in "friendly" contact with a guy that had held a gun to her head (he is a college professor, not a street thug), got her pregnant and told her to take a cab to her abortion, and slept with another woman when she was at a relative's funeral. I told her that if she really needed to have him in her life, even as a friend, I shouldn't be a part of it. I wasn't going to share any part of my life with such a villainous man. She broke contact with him the next day and thanked me for giving her the "push" to do it. We broke our engagement 6 months later, but that's another story entirely. I truly would try to find out why he keeps bringing her up. I think he is trying to legitimize an inappropriate relationship. Even if it's "friendly" something doesn't smell right. Not to try to worry you, but don't stick your head in the sand and pretend all is well. Maybe it's nothing . . . but you should find out. Best wishes
seren Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I was wondering if he was trying to make you jealous, funny how he bumps into her when you aren't around. Is he perhaps feeling insecure? If not I would just ask him if he is aware of how often he brings her name up and ask him why she is on his mind. Either way, I wouldn't let it go if it bothered me that much.
PhoenixRise Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Mapper Stop passively floating along in your marriage. Find your backbone and rock the boat a little. Nothing is ever going to change unless you do. Tell him his relationship with his ex bothers you. OR Tell him you know about all his other flirtations/emotional affairs. OR Tell him you want him to join you for marital counseling. OR Tell him you want to meet the ex for lunch since she is still such a good friend to him. But for goodness sake do just accept the status quo if you are not happy with the status quo. Yes he might get angry. But it seems to me that he can either be angry and on notice that you will not tolerate his cheating or he can obliviously roll all over you and cheat to his heart is content knowing that you will never say a peep about it. LS is a great place to get support or vent or learn from others who have been there and done that. But nothing anyone says here is going to help you if you don't find a way to stand up for yourself in real life. I wish you the best of luck. I really do. 1
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