How has infedelity changed you?

[96nole]

Another way infidelity has changed me. Whenever I'd hear about someone cheating on someone else, of course I would think its horrible, but didn't really put much effort into thinking about it.

 

Now if I hear of someone cheating, that person now becomes crap to me. I take a little more interest in sticking up for the betrayed person now.

 

Same here. didn't think about it until you wrote that.

[2.50 a gallon]

d-lish, et al

 

There is still hope.

 

I too was like you at one time, in fact probably took it another step, as I was determined to never fall in love again.

 

I was like a busy beaver, and every day I worked on building my walls higher and stronger, until after 15 years my never want to fall in love again fortress was so big and strong that not even a nuclear explosion could get to me.

 

Wrong! My vaunted, rebarred mighty fortress melted away like a sand castle with just one kiss from the right woman and I found myself unexpectedly in love.

 

My first thought was to Run like Hell. Sort of like pulling a band aid off quickly, I knew it was going to hurt, but not near as bad if I did it slowly.

 

The second choice was to give it my all, and even though the hurt in the end might be worse, there was still the slight chance that I might win the prize.

 

For the first year I did my best to fake my trust, while she in turn gave me no reason not to trust her, and it has been growing ever since.

 

She took me to dinner this evening, then after sleeping it off on the couch got up an baked us banana bread before going to bed. I think I made the right choice

[beenburned]

2sure,

 

You have come a long way, and are working hard to get over the emotional damage left by your serial cheater H's. I can tell you most never change their habits.(a few do work hard to change)

 

Out of my H's co-workers that were all serial cheaters, most have been married 3 or 4 times.(over a 20 year period) Their new wives divorced them for the same reason as their first wife did.(they continued to cheat)

 

The one woman that was a serial cheater(her H divorced her), has had a long list of men living with her to the point her only child(D) went to live with her father.(first H)

 

Have you had counseling?

[GLDheart]

It's been just under 3 months and I hardly recognize myself sometimes. Not everything is positive. I really am having such a hard time being happy. My whole life I have been the opptimist... It's missing alot now.

 

I'm doing my best to use that negative to fuel me forward though. I have accomplished more progress in two months than I have in two years in so many ways. I have read so much about affairs etc that I feel like I have a degree in human psychology. I consistently out work my body to the point of exhaustion. I have been kayaking to the point of blisters on both hands... and kept going. My yard work is simply stunning. Home improvement projects are screaming along at a record pace. I spend EVERY chance I can with friends and family. I have reached out to some old friends that have fallen off the map. And last but not least, the betrayed Spouse Diet and insane exercise have put me in amazing shape. I truthfully already look better than when I met my ex a decade ago.

 

I'm not really ready to date yet (I'm seriously in no rush here), but I have enjoyed getting my flirt on. I also for the first time in a decade (this part of me was simply tuned out while in the long term relationship) have begun to take notice when I "draw a little attention" when I walk into a room.

 

I did not pick this direction for my life (understatment of the year there) but I vow to make the best of it.

Edited June 24, 2012 by GLDheart

[Steadfast]

I did not pick this direction for my life (understatment of the year there) but I vow to make the best of it.

 

That's it. That's the best way to say it. Except for being reminded that we all have two lives; the one we planned, and the one we have.

 

I have had to fight bitterness and a great sense of loss, which is more than just losing my sweetheart. We were building a life, and if 'it' wouldn't have happened we'd now be enjoying our grandchildren and seeing to the adult lives of our younger kids. I've had difficulty expressing the greatest sense of loss, but the best description is it feels like I've lost my heritage. Instead of them being pleasant memories those years and what filled them haunt me. This is the biggest hurdle so far. Interestingly, my ex seems intent on keeping these alive, using old pet names and strolling down memory lane whenever I'm around her (which is hardly at all). Obviously, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

 

Despite that, I've enjoyed things since that I never dreamed possible, and it was quite a relief when my passions returned. The woman I'm with now is a beautiful soul who loves me in ways I've never been loved before. Yet, infidelity has changed me from someone who blindly trusted into someone that keeps part of himself stashed away and safe. My identity is not centered in my romantic relationship, it's centered in me; in who and what I am. I've been advised to reconsider, but that part of me is gone forever.

 

Interesting reading your story goldheart. I dare say I wasn't anywhere near where you are after such a short amount of time. Is that three-months post d-day or post divorce? Either way, you sound healthy, balanced and quite sincere. The last part is the most important for building your life back up. Sincerity and humility have been my very best friends.

Edited June 24, 2012 by Steadfast

[GLDheart]

Interesting reading your story goldheart. I dare say I wasn't anywhere near where you are after such a short amount of time. Is that three-months post d-day or post divorce? Either way, you sound healthy, balanced and quite sincere...

 

I discovered enough to know she was lying and having at minimum an emotional affair at the beginning of April (later, I was able to see it was actually more). That was all the boundary she needed to cross with me after her "other excursion" five years ago. It doesn't make it any easier. In fact I blame myself for giving her that second chance. This time around, though, I have better resolve. In a week, it will be 3 months since my life was literally tossed in a blender.

 

She was in my eyes the most beautiful fiancee, lover, best friend, mother of my daughter, and (what I thought was my) soul mate. But unfortunately, she again got the "itch" to let a guy she worked with get a little too close.

 

This is no cake walk and I struggle. There are times I just get overwhelmed with the feeling of "why bother?". Depression washes over me. But, then that passes and I realize no-one is going to dust me off and stand me back up. This is on me. My only edge to healing is that I'm being as pro-active as possible. And then one more little trick:

 

In the very beginning I just wanted to piss her off and show her how great I am. I wanted to show her what she lost. I wanted to make her regret her bad choice.... That faded and it's no longer about her though. Now I am proud of everything I have done and want to do more of it for me and me alone.

Edited June 24, 2012 by GLDheart

[Steadfast]

In the very beginning I just wanted to piss her off and show her how great I am. I wanted to show her what she lost. I wanted to make her regret her bad choice.... That faded and it's no longer about her though. Now I am proud of everything I have done and want to do more of it for me and me alone.

 

This is encouraging to read. You'll have a great message of hope to share for the rest of your life. No matter what, we are accountable for ourselves.

[fergolance]

I certainly wish I had the upbeat feeling that many in here have, but it has definitely changed me for the worst, I am paranoid, accusing and feel little self-worth. Though it has only been a year and I hope one day it will change.

[freestyle]

I mourn the loss of my innocent, blind trust. Deeply.

Being lied to by someone who had promised to always keep me in the loop, no matter what, has been devastating. I'm very slow to trust , now.

 

The silver lining is the insight I've gained into myself, and human nature.

I'm less likely to be blindsided, or manipulated now--I recognize red flag behaviors, that I would have shrugged off a few years ago. In that sense , I feel stronger.

 

 

Going through gut-wrenching pain has also increased my empathy---I know how it feels to be in a very dark place. So I'm less likely to be critical, when I come across a person who appears to be "too negative". I realize that I might not know what they've gone through . Before I was betrayed, I would've slapped a label on that person too quickly. Pain can be very humbling in that way.

[Woggle]

It has completely destroyed by ability to love innocently like I did in my first marriage. Asking me to put complete faith in somebody again is like asking a good to believe in Santa Claus again.

[Steadfast]

...when I come across a person who appears to be "too negative". I realize that I might not know what they've gone through . Before I was betrayed, I would've slapped a label on that person too quickly. Pain can be very humbling in that way.

 

Great insight and well said. This also is very encouraging. Thanks freestyle.

[Steadfast]

Some of us are years down the road. It takes as long as it takes. Most sources say 2-5 years.

 

Believe them! And yes; it really does take as long as it takes. Day by day...

[GLDheart]

...It takes as long as it takes. Most sources say 2-5 years.

 

That is frightening as hell to read. I'm pretty sure I likely will have trust issues moving forward. In fact I may have a real hard time ever fully opening up again.

 

But I also know I do not want to be damaged. I do not want to project these things upon the next woman that I get close to. Whoever "she" is deserves better than to pay a debt she had no hand in creating.

 

In essence, that is why that 2-5 year time frame is so scary. I really don't want to carry this baggage that long. I guess I'll add this one more bit of unfairness to the "anger at my EX" category.

[pattyfromMV]

I'm only into knowing of my H affair with my bff 45 days. I have to say this whole situation has changed my life .We are trying to make it work but it is really mind jerking. To top it off she is pregnant 2 months. I'm trying my best spiritually to forgive everyone especially knowing she and the baby will be a part of my life forever.He doesn't know how to handle the situation mentally ,I see guilt in him but confusion as to how to do the right thing. I'm trying to get thru this as well and accept the baby being part of our lives ,but i need to feel included in the baby world if she lets him take part in the baby's world. This situation has made me take a step back and analyze my life .I know now things I will accept and things I will not accept. My happiness will come first no matter what , I love my husband to death and hope things work out between us. She seems to still string him along emotionally especially where the baby is concerned. They haven't seen each other since 5/9/2012 when he broke it off and told her it was over. We take things one day at a time , their are our good days and bad. Slowly the healing will take place ,but for now trust is a big issue. He too at the beginning tried to say I had fault in this affair for not caring about our marriage. some truth maybe , but work bills and kids and he working all day made it hard to spend time together and if we did we argued instead of talking. Anither thing I learned is Never talk to your gf about your marriage problems talk to your spouse and work things out if you can. She had to much knowledge of our marital problems and used it against me for bait. She got what she wanted and a baby too. She said she had gone to one of those spiritual people and they told her she would be involved with a man of my h name and line of business and get pregnant. and she did. i know they are both at blame ,but he chose to stay with me and work it out .Its tough but will get thru it , I know that I must be stronger than all to make it work .

[allhopelost]

Right now it is approaching the three year "anniversary" (I hate that word) of my wife’s affair. I dread these next couple of months every year, as I tend to become extremely hypersensitive about everything. Everything seems to be a micro-trigger for me.

I can honestly say that not one day has went by that I haven’t thought about it, haven’t lamented for the woman that existed before the betrayal that I proudly called my wife, and not one that I haven't questioned my own masculinity.

 

How has the affair changed me?

 

Negatives:

My mind still is occupied daily with fleeting mind movies, reflective thoughts about the innocence lost in my belief system, and all the residual anger, rage and hatred felt so strongly after discovery.

I cannot look people in the eye for any period of time for fear that they will discover the affair, the dynamics of my WW's affair, the humiliation I still feel because of the affair, and the absolute fear that they know about the affair and are trying to either hide that knowledge from me or are trying to ascertain whether I even know about the affair myself.

I smoke twice as much as I used to.

I look at other women and "wonder" what it must be like to have an affair.

I feel more selfish.

I am more impulsive.

I tend to vocalize my opinions when I am thrust into or even observe certain situations that are significant triggers for me.

I know longer can’t wait to get home, but rather take my time after work to get my emotions and game face on before I get home.

I have gotten very good at masking my emotions, my feelings and have even gotten a poker face for those situations when I need to conceal my thoughts and feelings.

 

Positives:

I refuse to look for or otherwise acknowledge anything that could remotely even be considered a positive that was either a direct or indirect consequence of the affair. In my mind, to do so would give value to something that caused me more pain than anyone should ever have to shoulder. There is nothing positive about promising to be faithful and having that promise shattered by a selfish partner lusting after a worthless drug dealing piece of ghetto trash (he wouldn't even pay for his daughter’s funeral, but would buy my wife jewelry and pay for hotels). Enough said.

Now that the rant is over... apologies...

Our marriage is now comprised more of conveniences than of general love. Do I love my WW? I think I do. Do I respect her? Not quite. Am I "in love" with her? Not really. Am I content with things as they are? I think so.

Dose my WW love me? I believe she does. Why would she or how could she after all that I have written about the negative impact this affair has had on me, my personality and my behavior? I think because we are stable, and by that I mean that we weathered out discovery, weathered out the aftermath of discovery, and she believes that she can atone for her behavior by trying to make things work. As bad as our relationship sounds, and as bad as the affair has messed up my head, it is still light years better than those first six months after DD. I think we have settled for our situation and it seems to be working for us, for all that it is.

[Athena]

It did nothing for me

Edited July 15, 2012 by Athena

[worldgonewrong]

How has infidelity changed you?

 

Because I gave my heart & soul to this person for 20 years, it has completely upended my sense of trust. Where once I thought marriage was the be-all and end-all, I feel sickened by it, knowing that it just takes one person to tear it apart at the seams with infidelity.

I no longer laugh as easily as I once did.

I find myself exponentially more world-weary and tired now.

A profound, deep, nauseating sadness is with me constantly, even in the moments where I somehow manage to successfully sublimate that feeling; it's always there.

And because we have kids, it's painful to the core to look into our children's faces and see her in them.

Lastly, I find myself capable of 'moments of happiness' as opposed to long stretches now.

[eeyore1981]

Right now it is approaching the three year "anniversary" (I hate that word) of my wife’s affair. I dread these next couple of months every year, as I tend to become extremely hypersensitive about everything. Everything seems to be a micro-trigger for me.

I can honestly say that not one day has went by that I haven’t thought about it, haven’t lamented for the woman that existed before the betrayal that I proudly called my wife, and not one that I haven't questioned my own masculinity.

 

How has the affair changed me?

 

Negatives:

My mind still is occupied daily with fleeting mind movies, reflective thoughts about the innocence lost in my belief system, and all the residual anger, rage and hatred felt so strongly after discovery.

I cannot look people in the eye for any period of time for fear that they will discover the affair, the dynamics of my WW's affair, the humiliation I still feel because of the affair, and the absolute fear that they know about the affair and are trying to either hide that knowledge from me or are trying to ascertain whether I even know about the affair myself.

I smoke twice as much as I used to.

I look at other women and "wonder" what it must be like to have an affair.

I feel more selfish.

I am more impulsive.

I tend to vocalize my opinions when I am thrust into or even observe certain situations that are significant triggers for me.

I know longer can’t wait to get home, but rather take my time after work to get my emotions and game face on before I get home.

I have gotten very good at masking my emotions, my feelings and have even gotten a poker face for those situations when I need to conceal my thoughts and feelings.

 

Positives:

I refuse to look for or otherwise acknowledge anything that could remotely even be considered a positive that was either a direct or indirect consequence of the affair. In my mind, to do so would give value to something that caused me more pain than anyone should ever have to shoulder. There is nothing positive about promising to be faithful and having that promise shattered by a selfish partner lusting after a worthless drug dealing piece of ghetto trash (he wouldn't even pay for his daughter’s funeral, but would buy my wife jewelry and pay for hotels). Enough said.

Now that the rant is over... apologies...

Our marriage is now comprised more of conveniences than of general love. Do I love my WW? I think I do. Do I respect her? Not quite. Am I "in love" with her? Not really. Am I content with things as they are? I think so.

Dose my WW love me? I believe she does. Why would she or how could she after all that I have written about the negative impact this affair has had on me, my personality and my behavior? I think because we are stable, and by that I mean that we weathered out discovery, weathered out the aftermath of discovery, and she believes that she can atone for her behavior by trying to make things work. As bad as our relationship sounds, and as bad as the affair has messed up my head, it is still light years better than those first six months after DD. I think we have settled for our situation and it seems to be working for us, for all that it is.

 

BBM

 

This speaks to me, because this is something I have struggled hard with. What I've finally found that works for me is to think about me. If something makes me happy, I don't dwell on why it's happening, and if it makes him happy, too, that's a side benefit, not the point. It's not 100%, though. Sometimes when things are going good, I still fight an urge to just slap the living sh*t out of him, because we could have had this without him cheating on me and putting me through hell.

[nofool4u]

Another way it has changed me is if I find out a woman I am dating has ever cheated in her past, I lose interest.