username70 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 My bf and I am turning to this site for help. BF is very nice to my children and I and tries to make us happy. We have been together almost a year. We have never gone on vacation together- or anywhere place/out of town/ - overnight. Months ago- I asked him to go to my hometown for a weekend. (My treat.) He refused saying he could not deal with my child in the car for 5 hrs. He also refused to "allow" me/kids to go without him. Family member was talking about coming here- and bf again - threw a fit. He eventually apologized and now says he wants to rent us a car and stay in a nice place- and go. (hmm?) Anyhow- this summer BF wants to take us to a place on vacation (3.5 hrs away) for a few days that he went for years with his exs. He talks about this place or that place and this shop and place to eat - and knows - it seems- everything about the place. I tried mentioning to him that I would like to go- for our first trip/vacation together- to a neutral place - not even my hometown ... he refuses to allow me to speak- says I am mental/stupid/jealous cause he took other people there- that we wouldn't be staying in exactly the same room/cabin/place. That it is his treat and he is trying to do something nice. Says there is nothing else to do in this area. I think he last went there right before he and last gf broke up 2 yrs ago. I tried to tell him I have no problem going there - ever- just for our first trip together- something new that isn't our old stomping ground. He would not listen to any ideas- or talk about it. Then bf goes on to say- that restauraunt I take you to (like 2 hrs away) I have taken her there 30 plus times ... I guess u cant ride in my car/sleep in my bed/ look at my pets/go to the mall/gas station ... that kid isn't mine- and I have to look at them everyday- the spawn of your ex ... I really don't want to go anywhere now after how he talked to me. I just wanted to go to a new place (which he says is new to me) for our first trip together. I tried to talk with him about compromise- cause it seems I AM the one always doing it when he doesn't want me doing something (see above). He won;t hear it. I already go all the time to a restaurant where he met a woman - who ended up being married- but doesnt work there anymore- and he told me while we were eating there! Tacky and rude. I tried to talk with him about being controlling- always going where he wants/watching what he wants- and not even listening to my input... of course he won't hear it. (Off topic- but i always go to his place and can not rememeber the last time he was at mine to just watch a movie together ...) I am posting here- and sharing with my bf- as he agreed to do this because he says all his friends see it his way and think I am stupid too. So- do you reuse vacation spots from the past? Do you think finding a new/neutral place- for first trip together- is stupid/crazy? Do you think my bf is controlling and uncompromising?
Philosoraptor Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Man he's a nutter. He sounds horribly controlling and very unreasonable. I'd ditch this one. He really told you that you couldn't see your family? I had one like that too. Looking back her leaving was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. If you have someone who doesn't want to let you live your own life you are much better without them. 2
Pianiste Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 In what way is he nice to your children when he refuses to visit your hometown because he can't deal sitting in the same car with your kid for 5 hours and calls your kid a spawn of your ex. That's very insensitive. And on top of that he also seems insensitive and not open to your opinion. Personally I wouldn't accept any of this. You're in it together and a relationship is about making both parties feel good, even when it comes to topics like the spot you choose to go on a holiday to. 1
Author username70 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Yes- he told me he'd leave me if I went without him...but he refused to go and I did invite him and it meant a lot to me. My sister had just graduated college with her Master's and moved into her own place. They have never met- but he says he doesn't like he already. Now he says he doesnt want to go (but offered to/rent car) because it is a big city ... hot ...n othing to do... especially for kids. There is a children's museum, boat cruise, science center, sports events, ride up mountain, zoo/aquarium, scenic spots- and we will have a babysitter- my sister! And I'd like to show him my childhood home (I have seen his)- school- my hometown.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I have a hard time believing this is a real post...but because women can bend so far backwards their heads are almost going up their @ss it's extrmely hard to tell sometimes. Well I'll assume this is real, and say you're BF sounds pretty much like a gigantic douchebag, who's got little baby trantrum syndrome and doesn't know how to compromise, listen and is completely and utterly disrespectful. The only reason someone couldn't see how stupid they are is because they are this stupid, does that make any sense? If he was smart he could see that he's in fact stupid! I think you're doing way too much looking for a replacement father, I realize that it must be hard for you to find a decent man If this is the kind of guy you are settling for...but then again I don't imagine the baby daddy was much of a winner either...you've really got to work on yourself because I have a feeling you're the type of girl that only knows what losers are...a good guy would probably make your brain explode ending your life beacuse you wouldn't even be able to comprehend it is real. This guy is obviously controlling, unwilling to compromise and surrounds himself by people (friends) who are as stupid as him..are you from some small rural town or something? and he justifies his behavior because all together their brainpower combined might figure out how to turn a door knob. There are some things that are obvious where you will go where the ex's have gone before (god/allah/mystical powers help his ex's...poor women) like common areas and his house/apartment, but trips typically have meaning, especially when you are just going out in the beginning together and traveling a bit, these places shoudl be separate from being corssed with memories of his ex's...but he likes these places obviously and has no better ideas so he will insist on them, because It's easy and he knows all about it and feels like he impress you because he's done it to his other ex's, hes good at it by now...and frankly he probably wants to visit these places and just bringing you along to make it look like he's doing something special for you. What really needs to be done is you fix your issues with insecurity, your dependency on men, your vulnerability, lack of selfworth/esteem because honestly If you can't determien with your own mind when a guy is treating you badly and you're actually this used to it, then you have much bigger issues because chances are you're used to settling with extremely poor and inadequate men...I really would help you would stand up and work on yourself, for yourself and your children and give all of you a better future without some dip**** man...It may be 100 times harder to you, but you'd be surprised how much more focus and good you can do in your life when there isn't someone bringing drama into your life sending you on an emotinal rollercoaster every other week and hurting you and disrespecting you constantly, that person is just stomping you down...you let this pathetic fool feel like man by treating you like dirt. But I know you won't leave him...you probably can't help yourself, which is sad. But from what you said this guy says and does, he really is feeble and weak. And you can let him read this post, let his incompetent @ss try to defend himself, If he can actually type out a complete sentence that doesn't say fawk you, you don't know me! Edited June 13, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas
Author username70 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Thank you- and I will leave him ... pretty much have --- obviously a trip is a moot point. But I told my "bf" that I would post it online. My baby's father left us when my baby was a newborn and I was diagnosed with cancer and needing surgery and radiation. (I got cancer- he got a gf. He was my high-school sweetheart and I knew him a long time- was engaged.) Child's father has said to tell baby daddy is dead. I know child and I are better off without him. Happy every day he is NOT at all in the picture. I have sole custody and legal custody. (We don't have a lot- as "dad" doesn't help out at all- but I do try my best with the health that I have.) Life is short.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Thank you- and I will leave him ... pretty much have --- obviously a trip is a moot point. But I told my "bf" that I would post it online. My baby's father left us when my baby was a newborn and I was diagnosed with cancer and needing surgery and radiation. (I got cancer- he got a gf. He was my high-school sweetheart and I knew him a long time- was engaged.) Child's father has said to tell baby daddy is dead. I know child and I are better off without him. Happy every day he is NOT at all in the picture. I have sole custody and legal custody. (We don't have a lot- as "dad" doesn't help out at all- but I do try my best with the health that I have.) Life is short. Put these men and men like this aside and concentrate on improving life for yourself and your baby, because in the end guys like this are going to leave you at some point after using you and after X amount of years invested you'll have nothing to show for it, it''ll just be over like poof! If you don't have a lot or any kind of special training/education, get yourself in school or working towards something that will give you a decent income or If you have this by some chance then focus on building a stable and quality life for yourself without drama and ridiculous men...It's hard to be strong but that's why few can be, but you need to be in control, and you need to learn where to drawn the line and when to stand up for yourself because you let this guy get 10x's farther than he ever shoudl have with you...and then threaten to leave you? pathetic as hell. It sucks to hear your situation but in life you've got to do the best with what you've got, you may not have been setup in life to be a multi-millionare but you definitely can improve your life much further and be happier if you invest in yourself rather than men...these men will take take take and give nothing, don't accept that. Just because you are a single mom who is sick doesn't by any means mean you should give up and roll over, fight for yourself until the end. 1
RiverRunning Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Man he's a nutter. He sounds horribly controlling and very unreasonable. I'd ditch this one. He really told you that you couldn't see your family? I had one like that too. Looking back her leaving was one of the best things that has ever happened to me. If you have someone who doesn't want to let you live your own life you are much better without them. Oh Lord, OP, DUMP him. Philosoraptor's right: he's nuts, controlling, jealous. Taking your new girlfriend to the vacation spot you used with ALL of your exes (makes it even worse than just one ex), and insisting on it, is incredibly bad form. If I had a boyfriend who didn't like that I told him I traveled someplace with an ex, I would try to be understanding about that initially. At least vacation a little bit elsewhere until maybe his stance softens. And, I would emphasize that the PLACE is what's awesome, not the person I last traveled with. His stance toward your kid is also troubling. He couldn't "stand" your kid in the car for 5 hours? Well, he's been dating you for a year: that's something he needs to think about longer-term now. If he can't take your 'baggage,' then he needs to head out the door. The fact that he calls your child a "reminder" of your ex is also a very bad sign. Men who date women who have children from previous relationships need to understand, accept and be happy about that. Their attitude towards your child can poison so many things. A child from a past relationship shouldn't be a negative reminder of an ex; sure, the child will be a reminder of an ex. But after so long, that's something that should be celebrated, because hopefully your boyfriend will be seeing you AND your child as a wonderful package deal. And your boyfriend doesn't see you that way. His attitude toward your kid is disturbing. While I have no child of my own, I was very involved in the raising of my nephew...to the extent he was more or less my kid. I had an ex-boyfriend who wanted nothing to do with my nephew. He was an infant/toddler at the time, and if he crawled toward my ex, my ex would push him away or snap at him. If I stopped for a moment to hug or kiss my nephew, he would pull me away and act jealous. Then I met my last ex, who was absolutely wonderful. Showered the kid with love, hugs, attention, gifts. He grew to love my nephew almost as a son of his own. He wanted us all to go on vacations together, etc. That's how a boyfriend SHOULD treat your kid, OP.
2sunny Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I agree with Ninja. He's controlling and manipulative! If ANY man won't ALLOW you - to do or say what YOU prefer - RUN!!! That is abusive! Find your voice - speak your truth! Don't let men determine your happiness! He's a complete abusive tool! He has NO imagination - hence the reason to return to "old memories and places". That is NEVER healthy! How COULD he possibly be thinking of you while he's reminiscing about his past GF and the times he's taken them there? He can't! All around - this guy is just mean spirited and controlling. Don't let his negative $hit stick to you! He can go throw it all over someone else who's unhealthy (yes, that's the woman he will need in order to get along with her). Stand firm on solid, healthy boundaries. If its not "happy, healthy and safe" don't participate!
nofool4u Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 BF wants to take first vacation where he took exs- ok or not? Depends on why. If it was because of some romantic memories, then probably not. If its because he really enjoyed a particular vacation spot for reasons other than fond memories with an X, I don't think he should never be able to enjoy that again. Just like if I frequented a favorite restaurant with an X I shouldn't have to cross that off my list if I really loved the food.
Author username70 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I just didn't want to go there for our first trip together. I guess it means something to ME cause I never go on vacation - especially with a guy. Bf/I have never gone away together. He means well- I guess- tells me- you will really like this shop- this for dessert- this place to stay- shop. Has described it all extensively ... and how ex gf got a purse here and .... I asked very nicely- could we just find a new/neutral place that you didn't take ALL your exs to - that either of us have never been- just for ONE nigh for our first trip? This is the one and only vacation spot/place stay he and exs ever went for years and years. I told him we will still go ... which I thought was compromising ,.., but for our first trip- and he would not even let me talk.
FitChick Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Are you that desperate to have a penis in your life? Do you live in the middle of nowhere? This guy has probably never been anywhere else except that one place and doesn't want to look foolish in strange surroundings. That would fit in with his controlling pattern. Tell the BF it's over, wish him well in his future endeavors and go stay with your sister until things cool down. By the way, why don't you move to the city where your sister is? More job opportunities and men.
nofool4u Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Months ago- I asked him to go to my hometown for a weekend. (My treat.) He refused saying he could not deal with my child in the car for 5 hrs. He also refused to "allow" me/kids to go without him. Forget wanting to go on vacation where he took an X, THIS above is the reason he isn't the guy for you. If someone has that attitude towards your children, he should be history. I'd never be with a woman that said this about my boys.
gskyo Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 For the sake of your child, dump him. He is clearly mentally abusive to you, imagine how it will impact your child seeing that? Also, it appears he has no respect for you as a human being (by not allowing you to have much of any choice), what will he think of your child. We often hear of abusive step parents, but abusive need not always be physical. Do not turn a blind eye to this. As a child brought up in a broken home, I truly urge you to reconsider your love for this man and prioritize on the love you have for your child. 1
wow04 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 For the sake of your child, dump him. He is clearly mentally abusive to you, imagine how it will impact your child seeing that? Also, it appears he has no respect for you as a human being (by not allowing you to have much of any choice), what will he think of your child. We often hear of abusive step parents, but abusive need not always be physical. Do not turn a blind eye to this. As a child brought up in a broken home, I truly urge you to reconsider your love for this man and prioritize on the love you have for your child. Ask yourself how would you feel if your child dated someone like your BF? That will happen if they grow up with him.
pteromom Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yes- he told me he'd leave me if I went without him.. This sounds like a win-win to me! Honestly - you are an adult. He can't "allow" you to do anything. You have free will. And if someone couldn't be around my child for 5 hours, that would be a dealbreaker for me! Where do you see this relationship going? If you ended up married, he'd have to be around your child all the time... someone else's "spawn". Ugh!!! Move on! Move on! Move on! NEXT!
zengirl Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Any problem with taking someone on a trip to the same place you've happened to go before? Even the first trip? I'd say no. HOWEVER, there are many problems here: 1. He forbade you to go on your own trip, very controlling. 2. The way he spoke to you and went off about it. 3. The inability to listen to your feelings when you patiently divulged them (I find it a bit nitpicky, personally, and would never think of any issue with a place just because someone else had been there with him BUT I would've patiently listened to someone who had that problem and understood where they were coming from if they felt strongly). 4. The inconsistency - he'll drive 3.5 hours with your kids for his trip but not a bit longer for yours?
2sunny Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 I hope your BF is reading these responses... He's a douche! What's worse is YOU putting up with him!
FitChick Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Stay with him and your kid might wind up like this.
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