im 32 he is 58

[gold26]

my fiance and i have a wonderfully loving relationship for 5 years except for just one problem.. he is very ignorant to his way of saying things without thinking..

he and i have very passionate natures and what happens is he will pick at something.for instance,what he does is nitpik at me..one time he asked me to help him with a webpage.. he gave me his ID and password.. i had no experience doing them.. the first time i tried to log in it locked up his account.. i went to him and explained that i had copied and pasted the ID and he told me i couldnt do that.. but insteadof leaving it at thathe kept asking over and over... why would you keep attempting when it didnt work? how could you tink that would work that way? i bet your the kind of person who presses the elevatore button over and over again when your waiting on one.. ( its this sort of thing that irritates me into getting mad at him.)

 

another time i spent 3 days making an animated GIF file with a pen writing his signatore for his business.. did he fall over himself thanking me? nope.. he complained that the edges of it had white fleckson it that showed up against the background.. i fixed it three times after that..woring on it for over a week.. same complaint.. till i got hurt.. he acted offended saying he thought it was something WE were working on together.. i did get mad and said it was funny, i didnt see him up till 4 am for 5 days working on it..

 

. i have a slow burn temper which he has always told me he cant deal with..so what happens is.. he will say something that hurts my feelings.. i will swallow it down and not say anything.. then another coment..swallow.. till eventually it takes its toll on me and i will get down or quiet.. then he notices and will ask me about it.. i will tell him and he will accuse me of being childish.. and it ends up in a bitter fight..believe it or not he thinks he is perfect.. its all me...

 

we have known each other for 5 years met online and without going into a lot of old history he should be really appreciative of me because i forgave him for a lot of very bad things he did in the begining..like having another online friend 4 months into our relationship etc.. but at the time i only wanted what we had and he was unhappily married to a woman who had just got over cancer..( she died a year ago)

 

i am now 32 he is 58

yway after being secretly engaged for 2 years we had a huge blow up and stopped speaking for 3 weeks.. i began to miss him terribly and i called a friend of his to see if he seemed down.. this friend was a monster..he told me terrible lies..that he didnt like the way my bf looked at his wife etc.. i called back a week later and his wife told me to forget him..i told her that i have a bad problem with the long distance and that when he has women friends i feel threatened and thats when he gets angry at me and tells me that he has been nothing but faithful to us and would no nothing to hurt that.. she snorted on the other end and said."oh yeah? That must be why when my daughter was here he came onto her so bad that he made her feel uncomfortable...that she was just geting out of a bad relationship ad the last thing she needed was a man his age coming onto her..*im sure you can imagine how badly i took that news)... i called him and went crazy.. left messages on his phone emails etc.. we ended up not speaking for another 6 weeks.. only mistake was I was the one who called him.. when i did he told me he was going to see other people.. i asked if there was someone he was interested in he said yes.. i was devasted..

we eventually reconcilled and afterward he told me that that same couple had tried to set him up with the womans daughter.. (the one the woman told me who's daughter he was supposedly to have come on to.)She eventually went back to the bad relationship.. these same people were supposed to tell him that i had told the man i thought that my bf and this mans wife were having an affair..when i found this out i wanted him togo over to there house and i would call there and confront them right on the spot.. he told me no.. that he believed me..

 

i found out who he was interested in also.. he apparently had posted a personal add

at a christian site and met awoman from holland that he had chatted to online..it came out after weeks that he has had cyber sex with this woman..called her to holland and that she had hinted about coming to to usa fora trip and he invited her to stay at his place..when he spoke to me and thought there had been a possability of us getting back together he told her about me and broke it off..but to be honest i had a very hard time dealing with this..when he would try to talke sexy to me online i would imagine him saying the same things to her and get very down..e would stress the fact he was thru with her the minute he saw a possability for us to get back.. and that one thing he did learn because of it was how much he loved me and that all he did was compare her to me and he felt himself doing things to put her off of him because she just did not measure up to my image.. BTW she was 47 so the age may have hada factor to.. i think he is attracted a lot to the idea of me being so much younger ..

 

in march he drove here over 7oo miles from NC to here in canada to meet me and make sure i didnt run from the site of him.. he has always acted insecure about his age..and me being young and beautiful (his words)

while he was here he proposed.. he said you may think i love you but before i leave here your going to know beyond a doubt i love you.. the night he proposed he brought a dish from the bathroom with a cloth and towel.. goton his knees.. washed my feet ( a gesture from the bible) then promised he loved me with all his heart, always would..he would never do anything to hurt me..and i i promised to marry him that he would do everything in the world to never regret it.. andslipped the ring on my finger.. i accepted and we finaly made love for the first time.. (i was a virgin)... he rushed me a lot and afterward i did admit i felt overwhelmed because it was so fast.. i shoud mention that i had to meet him while h was here in secret becaue my family would go insane at me being with a man his age and my family has very strong victorian customs about men and women courting and not having sex till marriage..its very complicated to explain it all.. but my bf has alwasy known this and accepted it..

after the third day i got caught sneeking home by my brother i explained it away that i had just gone to the 7 11 for a magasine and chocolate bar but my bf felt he should leave because it wasnt worth me taking such a big chance of getting caught again.. he started to cry out of frusteration at not being able to stay longer and be with me.. i did too... i even told him that this was my life here and i couldnt change thing because it was my life and i was born into it.. i explained it wasnt his and that he still had an option to not be in it.. that if he got home and decided he wanted to break up i would understand.. i even offered him back his ring he refused adamatly...

 

the difficult part about my life right now is i am the soul caregiver to my grandparents whom i live with.. my grandparents raised me from infancy and are both in there 80s and that is why we didnt elope .. the shock would kill both of them.. so my bf has accepted the fact i wil have to remain here a year or more because of that.. he has always said some things in life are worth the wait and he admired me a lot because of my conviction to them.. it told him how commited i will be to him once we are married..

 

on march 3 we had a stupid fight.. it started with him saying stupid things like do you color your hair? does your family have money? we do.. then .."oh you must be the no flash all cash kind of people".. i could go on with the things he said tat i just swallowed a couple days before i finally got quite for a few days.. once he noticed he asked what was wrong? then typed hahahahaah i knew it!!

so our fight started.we both gave as good as the other but he said that if his kids knew how nasty mouthed i was they would hate me. i eventually told him to just leave me alone i was tired of fighting ...he clicked off IM and i waited for half an hour for him to come back..and when he did i returned the favour..he left an offline laughing at me.. saying thanks for just confirming to him how childish i was..i didnt answer..

 

then he started stupid emails about my temper.my nasty mouth.. how he was sick of it.. i retorted with..he may claim he has become a born again christian but the real him is still there only lurking benieth the surface..

 

he responded with 3 emails and i answered the last one just leave me alone.

he responded oh he will i can bet everything i own on it...

 

it went for 3 weeks.. finally i emailed him an email asking him to please just stop the stand off..that when he does this it makes me feel like i cant trust him to stick around.. that if/when i elope with him i will be dissowned by my family and will never be able to come home.. and it scares me that he might do this and what would i do ? i ended with.. i need to be in a secure relationship with a man i can count on.. and if that man isnt you then its best i know that... if he wanted us to stay together he needed to tell me.. but either way the stand off was ending.. either love me or let me go...

 

he relied with.. ow nobody has ever been able to get his as angry as i do.. that he cant deal with my not being able to control my temper and the things i alow my mouth to say... that all he knew was right nowhe was happy and had inner peace...and was going to stay that way...

 

i replied with... i appreciated him letting me know how he felt.. but he needed to realize his mouth says things to.. and that just because something means nothing to him that it still can be hurtful on the recieving end to the one hearing it..i ended with.. if you dont want to be with me there is nothing i can do and i accept that... i need to be with someone who does...then i called his son who is 25 and cried my eyes out.. helistened and toldme his dad can be very hard but he doesent always show what he is really feeling.. that he has seen his cry over me and he has never seen him cry about anyone except his grandad when he died...i ended with.. i aodre your dad but i just dont think im what he need the fact he told me he was happy being away from me just crushed me that he could be that cruel.. he agreed and repeated his dad can be very harsh..he told me he would pray for us and said he would still like to be my friend and to call him if i needed him.. i thanked him but i didnt want to cause any loyalty issuesbetween him and his dad.. but to please stay in touch and i made him promise to stick close to his dad for me and support him in any way he could emotionally..his last words were god bless you.

 

3 days after i spoke to his son he emailed me..

(*****) called today asked how we were doing.. i told him we havent talked in a few weeks that when he told meabout your call.. i just told him we fight too much and he agreed ..nothing else was said.. i am sorry you are hurting.. i havent forgotten you in my prayers .i think you knw that.. love (****) i didnt reply because i felt it was patronizing.. and it offended my pride that he seemed to pity me..

 

that day i put a picture of myself on my profile in yahoo... something he has always forbid me to do..with a quote from when he was here." im sorry you felt i rushed you,, i just wanted us to have that special bond" he must have seen this because 2 days after i did that.. he sent another email..saying... i am am no longer engaged to you..and it didnt end with love, just his name.then he deleted a note on his business webage dedicating the entire site to his fiance me.. and a webpage he made for us of all our love lettersand marking significant dates/anniversaries about our relationship...i guess i at least got him mad enough to show some sort of emotion, even if it was jealousy...

i didnt reply...

 

it has now been a month since the engagements over email.. i have kept the N/C since my email asking to love me or let me go...

 

i still have his password to his yahoo email account. and i see he has scanned a page from a book about controling what we say because of how it can destroy people and relationships.. icopied it and then marked the email unread..its been there since the day after our big blow up... what has been happening now is..the mailbox will fill up with spam.but he deetes it every day. that shows he now checks it every day.. and empties it out leaving that same email about temper management.. i know its intended for me..

 

a week after the ending of the engagement email he logged into yahoo messenger for about an hour then left.. i was invisable..and stayed that way..i maintained N/C...

i have mine on constantly but only saw him come on that one time.. unless he is also staying invisable.. i just dont know...

 

i would sure appreciate it if you guys had any comments.. do you tink he is still hoping for us to get back... i cant contact him.. and even if i wanted im afraid of him telling me something like he did the last time.. i would rather never hear from him than to hear him tell me he was going to see someone else...

 

oh also.. for the last year he had a sign on his website saying.. his creative ability wouldnot be possable with the inner peace he has.. and he thanked god for that... last week he removed that... i dont know if he is trying to let me know he no longer has peace or if it is just a coincidence...

 

i appreciate anyone patient enough to read all this.. i just have nobody else to talk to..

[gold26]

omg i just read a post by **LiLBxQt**

about her bf Obsessive Questioning/Overanalyzing

my bfdoes the very same thing.. like the webpage account..

it sometimes feesl like he is deliberately trying to pick a fight

then when i get angry... he loves to point out my not being able to control my temper...

[lydiamarie]

oh my

 

there are so many things wrong that i just don't know where to begin. i'll just comment on what i remember, but know that there is more where that came from if you need it!

 

it sounds like he's terrible and berates you. he calls you childish. probably because he thinks of you as a child-you're only 32 to his 58. have you thought about what sort of relationship this will be in 20 years? you'll still be in your prime, and you'll once again be a caretaker. that's incredibly draining. for all you know, he's hoping that you'll feel sufficiently tied to him that you'll do this for him and not just dump him in a nursing home like he might think his children would do. or maybe he just likes the way his ego is stroked by being with a 32 yr old.

 

you break up and get back together over and over again. eek. how miserable.

 

you have terrible communication. he scolds you like a child instead of giving constructive criticism. he hopes that you'll find the article and read it, instead of asking you to read it himself, or talking to you about what he's learned and how you can apply it to your relationship.

 

he doesn't appreciate the wonderful things that you do for him.

 

obviously he doesn't respect the way you were raised. you were a virgin at about 30. and he met you and pushed you into sex. this is not okay-it's just another sign of his controlling and irrational personality.

 

he has gone out of his way to hurt you and let you know that you are cut from his life-as if this is some sort of punishment. i say good riddance!

 

i know that it's going to be miserable getting over him. but better sooner than later.

 

i can't see any reason for you to stay in this relationship.

[gold26]

lydiamarie:

thanks a lot for your input.. he has joked to his sister that at least i will be able to help him keep track of his pills when the time comes.. i know the idea of having someone take care of him really reasures him.. he has told me he gets scared thinking about what would happen if he became ill or something because his kids have there own lives..

 

he has been twice divorced.. first wife and him fought too much.. second wife lied too much...i have told him many times when he tells me that i have a problem that perhaps im not alone..he also has a problem.. that he "quits on people" i even said it to his son during our phone call and was surprised when his son agreed..

this man goes to church now and brags about being a christian.. and will act very hurt if i bring something he did up in the past yet thats exactly what he did during our last breakup... but the christian thing is what seemed significant about his removing the note on his webpage about the inner peace... after going to such pains to tell he he was at peace and happy i felt maybe he was regretting saying that...

 

i love him.. but i think i ran after him last time and it flattered his ego...i wont do that again because he was terribly cruel to me that time...

 

when i told his son what i said in my reply about needing to be with someone who does.. his agreed once again...

 

i just hope he is as miserable as i am... i get boughts of wanting to send him his ring back.friends say he broke off so edicate says im not oblidged to do so.... i know when i wanted to the last time he cried and begged me not do .. because if he got anything in the mail he promised he would throw it in the garbage unopened rather than open it...he implied it would kill him... but how does he think i felt when he told me he had been in a cyber affair while i cried my eyes out over him....his answer to that is that being with him only showed him that he would never be satisfied with anyone else but me and that even if he was with someone else the moment he felt i wanted to leave here and come be with him he would dump them on the spot...that he could never find anyone with my qualities and wouldnt even try...but i also know if i do.. that its over for sure.. then part of me says maybe its justthe wake up call he needs... grrrrr! what do to,,, i guess i need to just take some more time to myself..

 

im just so confused... i just wish he had been aman and took the exit i put right in his hnad back in march .... if he wanted out it would have been a lot more honest that goading me into a fight only to use it as his excuse to break off...

[lydiamarie]

(my sister just called me for some advice-her screaming children in the background! now i can't sleep and i have nowhere to be till this afternoon...so here i am back on the LS boards...)

 

i just wish he had been a man

 

but he wasn't. he isn't. he is 58 years old and he still has not grown up. if that isn't a red flag, then i don't know what is.

 

he is too old to change his ways, and you are too young to settle. even if he comes crawling back to you, begging your forgiveness, i strongly advise against continuing this relationship.

 

you deserve not only the words 'i love you' but also a demonstration of their meaning; he should support you, respect you, trust you, be kind to you (he's not even civil), and want what is best for you. a 58 yr old man should be able to see that he is not right for someone who is 32. ever.

 

he is not your way out. you don't need to continue to take care of your grandparents and you don't need to answer to your brother. you can find a job and get your own place and walk away. if you don't want to be that extreme, you could at least assert that you are a 32 yr old woman who can make her own decisions (something you aren't letting anyone, including your ex, let you do). you can insist on sharing the responsibility of your grandparents with more family members or hire a nurse to come to your home to take care of your grandparents. she'll be a trained professional-likely better than you.

 

caretaking is stressful and draining. you don't need a lifetime of this. you have already invested too much of your time and identity in it-you don't need someone else to tend to after they are gone.

 

why don't you try going to coffee or the movies or to dinner or the bookstore or anywhere by yourself. give up online dating for a bit and see if you can't find someone nice out there on your own.

 

i really, really, really think that you deserve far better than him.

[HokeyReligions]

I didn't get through all of your post, but why on earth would you want to stay in a relationship that makes you feel so bad? Your partner should be supportive and make you feel good. You also need to work on your communication skills---do not bottle everything up inside and wait until the burden is so heavy that it explodes or drives you into a depression. That is not a good way to handle things. Be open and honest. Communicate WHEN there are problems---and when there are none. Take that into your next relationship, but get rid of this guy.

 

When they say "love hurts" it means that it hurts to see someone you love in pain, or it hurts when your partner dies, or when you first break up. It does not mean you should stay in a relationship that causes pain -- that is not healthy. Your post reminded me of a conversation I had once with someone who was staying in the relationship just because they were too afraid to leave even though they were not treated right. They thought they were so in love and that it would be worse without this person in her life. She was WRONG! She hurt a lot when they first broke up and she wanted to call him, blah blah blah, but after a year without him she started dating and after a year of dating she found someone else who treated her right. She was a different person in the relationship and the relationship was/is healthy. She said she now can't imagine why she stayed with the other guy for so long!

[gold26]

my only answer to the above post is that dispite the times when we would break down and argue

we really had wonderful times.. we spent 3to4 hours every night online with webcam and voice chat..

he was attentive and flattering.he is VERY sentimental.when he was here i took a cross off my neck and gave it to him as something to remember our first time togeter.. he glued it to his bible to use as a bookmark (it was too small to fit his neck). its just the way he debates thing and has the sort of personality that if you say your going to do something like send him something or make something etc.. he expectsit done imediately.. he gets angry at other peoplefor the very same things.. once a friends wife was going to send him some research she had done on adriondak furniture..(they were thinking about going into business together)

and when shedidnt send it for a couple weeks he wouldcomplain to me about it... he says never tell me your going to do something if your not going to do it... a lot of people tell methe same thing about him... its just a personality trait...

 

i have them also.. i am a slow burner.. and i do get possesive at times.. but i know a lot of it has to do with us being so far away from each other and just missing each other...

 

do guys see any signigance to him logging into yahoo messenger a week after the email ending the engagement.. i know he was angry at me for posting a pic of myself on my profile.. i took pains to find one i looked especially good in and i had on a sexy dress... i also knew that he signed the mail with only his name ment he was boiling mad at the time..

 

and last... when i first contacted him 3 weeks after the break up... he took pains to tell me he didnt want turmoil he had been extreamly busy with work and didnt know if that was why he was so much at peace but he was feeling very much at peace and was happy and wanted to stay that way... BUT he made no mention of us not being engaged... and he had not taken the dedication on his business webpage to his fiance me down..

that was when i sent the email telling him: i really appreciated him letting me know hoe he felt.. but to remember that his mouth says things also.. that if he didnt want to be with me ,there was nothing i could do to change that and i respected his decision.. but i needed to be with someone that does....

Then i went tomy yahoo profile and put up the sexy pic of me....to make him jealous.

 

after i posted my pic.. he wrote the break off email.. deleted the dedication and the other webpage he had built all about us..

so a week later he logs back into yahoo for an hour then leaves.. and then 3 weeks go buy and he goes into his business webpage and removes a note thats been there for over a year saying that "his creative ability would not be possable without the inner peace he has, praise God"

 

do you guys see anything in this? and the fact he has scanned a page from a book about anger management and emailedit to himself knowing i have his password and he checks his email and deletes the spam tomake sure that post is always in the number one spot...

 

what do you guys think... honestly?

 

im not going to contact him so dont worry about that.... he was the one to break off and i have enough pride and self respect not to run after him..

[lydiamarie]

we have already told you what we think, honestly.

 

he is manipulative and childish and not worth your time. if you need to read into his behavior in order to figure out what he's thinking because he's not man enough to tell you, then he's not man enough to be yours either.

 

consider yourself fortunate that you live far from him. it'll help you make a clean(er) break

[FreeMe]

I think he's sadistic, manipulative, a hypocrite, and a big loser who gets his self-esteem by tearing people down.

 

I think you are emotionally abused and are acting like the typical abused person - reading into everything, always trying win his favor, approval, and affection but then getting beaten down and coming back for more.

 

Please get yourself into counseling.

[gold26]

thanks everyone,

like i said..i will stay away and out of the relationship.. and as far as he is concerned i only wrote the one email basically telling him i needed to be with someone who wanted tobe with me.. so i guess i had already beaten him to the punch..

 

i just wanted to hear he was still thinking about me and might try to get back.. not that i would take him or even speak to him.. just that he might be regreting things..

 

 

i guess i am probably reading things that arent there

 

thanks for the input

[gold26]

on thing i DO know is that dispite my temper i was good to him..

i gave him love and suport.. i built up his ego when he felt old and ugly..

i washis best friend.. i researched things for his business..i warned him about friends i felt were not his friends.. he would defend them till they did something and found them out himself and would thank me for never giving upon him.. he even toldme once that he did not know what i sawin him but he thanked God that i did..

i made grafix for his wepage.. i surprised him with so many thoughtful gifts just because..

and still all he could focus on was my having a problem with my temper..

 

also know him well enough to know these things i have asked you about are not figments of my imagination..

i really dothink he is playing games andleaving signs.. but im not going to give him thesatisfaction of letting him even know i noticed... i have dissconnected my cell phone.. and like i said he wrote me that letter that patronizing email.... then when he saw me post my photo he saw red and broke the engagement.. still i made no responce and i wont..

 

thanks for letting me vent...

[lydiamarie]

you are very welcome

 

(sorry you had something to vent about)

[gold26]

hi guys.

checked his yahoo mailbox.. he gave me the password years ago and knows i can go there anytime i want to..

once again since yesterday he has emptied the spam and left the email with the scanned article..

 

he also hasnot changed the passwords tohis other webpages.. i made him a lot of grafix for them etc..

 

the only signicant change he has made is like i said..

he has removed the note thanking god for hisinner peace..

 

maybe im grasping at straws but it seems like he is leaving messages...

 

BTW i am staying with the N/C and wont break that promise.. i just wanted someone to ask the opinion ..do you guys think the same about these subtle messages?

nobody has really commented on them.. and i do understand you guys worrying about me.. please dont.. im strong and have lots to keep me busy.. plus there is the geographic aspect... so im not going anyplace..

 

please just give me an opinion on the things i mentioned... if/when you can

 

thanks for listening and the support

[lydiamarie]

i can't tell you whether or not he wants to get you back, but it sure sounds to me like he's trying to continue manipulating you

 

eek

 

if you ever see him again...run!!

[gold26]

*laughing-out-loud* !

 

no worries lydiamarie

thanks for being a friend..

 

hugs!

[lydiamarie]

first cyber-sex and now cyber-hugs (*shakes head in disgust*) what is the world comming to??

[gold26]

can't lie

cyber sex was way better than cyber hugs..

*wink*

[Mr Spock]

You are grasping at straws. Dump the loser in your heart and mind once and for all.

[gold26]

well Dr Spock,

its notlike i really have a choice..

it was easier thinking he was doing those things only because it felt like he was having a tough time.and perhaps thinking about me/us.

but if you think i am grasping at straws.perhaps i am just pathetic..

and it embarasses me to post on here..

[Mr Spock]

You asked if you were grasping at straws, sorry I didn't mean to hurt your feelings!! I actually read through all your posts-why are you continuing to torture yourself? Stop checking his email, block his calls...he's using you as a emotional doormat and you don't deserve it.

[gold26]

i just went back and read my own post.. its terribly confusing even to me..lol

if you happen to read it again.. please try to keep in mind that the part at the top about us breaking up before where the friends of his told me the awful lies and vise versa to him happened about a year ago...i called him and warned him about them and at the time he was buddies with them and got the man work painting a house of one of his clients... it wasnt untill this same "friend of his " took money from his client to buy paint materials and never showed up to do the work that they fell out.he also took money from another client if his fr a new counter and ripped them off also..which made my Ex lok bad for recomending himto his clients..it hurt how he got angry over clients and wouldnt fall out with them or the liesthey told about me.. but i was relieved he did find them out..and it proved me to be truthful..i also had acted like a fool when i had heard the lies.. so i was just relieved he has at least seen thru them

 

but something that bothered me is this.. just about 4 months ago he walks up to that same man and shook his hand.. he says he doesent want to be friends with them and doesent trust tham but he felt it was the christian thing to do...and that same man now has some of the stick furniture he builds in his store on consignment..

 

i may be a bad person.. but that bothered me a lot..i even asked him if he was that desperate to sell items that he had to resort to having this man put things on display for a consignment fee? he got defensive and just said he didnt like him or trust him but it was a good place for his bench to be on display only this guy called him several times telling him he thought it was sold.. and it just confirmed him to be the same liar he has always been

 

this may sound unkind.. but in alot of ways i think my Ex is a phoney.. he portrays himself as such a kind sensative person..maybe i feel in love with the man he portrayed rather than the man he really is