onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Hi everyone! Hope everyone is good and would love to the hear the thoughts of others. I am using this as a means for advice i find this topic a little embarassing to talk about with friends or family etc.... i have been with the same girl for 12 years (so we have been together since high school). Now in our late twenties. I have always known her to be a vrey loyal girl with strong values. I guess that changed a little one night a few weeks ago. We were laying in bed talking quite initimately. Anyway it led to her saying that she has thought about being with one of my friends. As im not a jealous person as such i didnt think much of it. Then she let slip that they had kissed at a party sometime ago. She explained they were both drunk and it wasnt for very long. I was quite angry but feel i could of got over that. Unfortunately for me i decided to change the sim card in my phone and pretend to be the mate in question. She fell for it and i learnt there was alittle more to it. Although it was me on the other end of the phone she thought it was him. She owned up to telling me about the kiss but didnt tell me bout the rest. She said that could be 'their little secret'. That little secret turned out to be that she met him after the party late at night at another location after he texted her wanting to meet her, telling her he wanted things to go further. She decided to meet him and admitted to having intent before she got there for it to go further. When she arrived at the location they talked a little and then he pulled his penis out and asked if she wanted some. She pulled away and said no. She further said to him in the phone conversation that she had mutual feelings for him and things could of worked out between them. She also said she would of considered leaving me if my friend would of left his wife. Remembering this is me on the end of the phone but she thinks it is him, so at least i got the truth. I finished by asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and she replied by saying she was free on thursday nights. I confronted her with this and she denied alot of it and said it meant nothing and she would never have left me unless things turned bad between us. She said she thought he was good looking and had feelings for him only that night. She admitted that they were flirting for about 3 months before the night in person and through text, but that he pursued her. She admits to lying obviously lol.... but says i wasnt giving her enough attention and she liked the attention from him. So its been a few weeks now and its the only thing i can think about. A good mate and my girlfriend betraying me like this really hurts. So much so that im physically ill in the stomach some days. It may or may not help, but what do you guys think?
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I would break up with a partner who behaved that way. To me, it's no different than if they had gone ahead and had the affair. They were just caught at the very beginning.
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 was quite a while ago from that night..... and she said she has only had general chit chat with him since then. And is very remorseful... is so hard to forgive tho
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I am really trying to forgive.... its good for a few days and then i start thinking about what happened and i just lose it. Is eating me up inside
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 i am leaning towards leaving her, as i feel im stronger enough to do that... but i also love her and we have a child together... this is so hard for me.
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Whether you stay or leave, don't make this decision based on having a child together. Ultimately our kids want us to be happy.... they deserve to be raised in a happy home and in the environment created by a secure loving relationship. The question comes down to whether or not you can forgive an affair, and that's an individual decision. As I said, I couldn't stay with someone who behaved that way, I'd always be waiting for it to happen again. Also, it doesn't sound like she's fully admitting what happened, more red flags. 1
Tiera D Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Ask her to erase him from her life,tell her any slight contact if you caught her its over for good.But it depends on you,personally i wouldnt accept such a behavior TD
Reddice Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) How can you forgive someone who is not remorseful for their actions? She's not even looking for forgiveness. What's even worse, she texted that she would drop you like a hot potato if your "good mate" were to leave his wife. Then, when you confronted her with it, it was all your fault! You didn't give her the attention she wanted. How screwed up is that? What about being accountable for your own actions? Well, guess what... If you let this one slide, it will happen again. I guarantee you that she will go all the way next time. She needs to feel that there are consequences to her behaviour. I would do two things: 1. Break up with her. If she's really remorseful, she will try to save the relationship. If she's not trying to save it... well, then there is nothing worth saving I guess. 2. Speak to your "good friend's" wife and tell her all about the situation. If he's going to wave his dick around at other women, she needs to know. The bro code does not apply to someone who's trying to stab you in the back. Edited June 13, 2012 by Reddice 2
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 thought i mite get someone who says stay with her... bit of a reality check
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 i guess i am outwardly confident but a little insecure..... i guess i dont know anything else but to be with her as we been together since high school i could probably forgive her if it wasnt someone we both knew.... thats what hurts the most, she surely must have known the consequences, and the fact that we would all have a conversaion together as if nothing had ever happened. both decided they would keep it to themselves.... makes it worse kind of convincing myself i guess....
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 i do want to stay with her but i dont want to see what she did every time i look at her.......
Reddice Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 It's quite simple really. A relationship can only stay healthy if both partners invest 100% into it. Currently, you are the only one who's fully invested in this relationship, while she's not. She didn't make a mistake, she chose to do it. And from what you're telling us, it seems she's not even sorry for it. She already stated that she would leave you if your friend would go for her. In the first place, you need to ask yourself if this truly is what you want. Don't you think you deserve even a little more respect after 12 years? Don't you think you deserve more respect at all? Do you really believe you are that worthless? In the second place, how long are you willing to wait before she leaves you? Because someone who's not fully invested in the relationship will leave sooner or later. Only difference is, you will not only lose your relationship, but also your self-respect. The only thing which can safe your relationship, is her. What has she done to show you that she's willing to fight for it? And remember: Actions speak louder than words. 1
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 she was very remorseful but only after i tricked her to find out what really happened. so in reality i would never have found out
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 yes i hear what everyone is saying and i have tried to communicate! she has answered my questions etc.... i dont seem to be able to see past what has happened
geegirl Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Hi everyone! Hope everyone is good and would love to the hear the thoughts of others. I am using this as a means for advice i find this topic a little embarassing to talk about with friends or family etc.... i have been with the same girl for 12 years (so we have been together since high school). Now in our late twenties. I have always known her to be a vrey loyal girl with strong values. I guess that changed a little one night a few weeks ago. We were laying in bed talking quite initimately. Anyway it led to her saying that she has thought about being with one of my friends. As im not a jealous person as such i didnt think much of it. Then she let slip that they had kissed at a party sometime ago. She explained they were both drunk and it wasnt for very long. I was quite angry but feel i could of got over that. Unfortunately for me i decided to change the sim card in my phone and pretend to be the mate in question. She fell for it and i learnt there was alittle more to it. Although it was me on the other end of the phone she thought it was him. She owned up to telling me about the kiss but didnt tell me bout the rest. She said that could be 'their little secret'. That little secret turned out to be that she met him after the party late at night at another location after he texted her wanting to meet her, telling her he wanted things to go further. She decided to meet him and admitted to having intent before she got there for it to go further. When she arrived at the location they talked a little and then he pulled his penis out and asked if she wanted some. She pulled away and said no. She further said to him in the phone conversation that she had mutual feelings for him and things could of worked out between them. She also said she would of considered leaving me if my friend would of left his wife. Remembering this is me on the end of the phone but she thinks it is him, so at least i got the truth. I finished by asking if she wanted to meet for coffee and she replied by saying she was free on thursday nights. I confronted her with this and she denied alot of it and said it meant nothing and she would never have left me unless things turned bad between us. She said she thought he was good looking and had feelings for him only that night. She admitted that they were flirting for about 3 months before the night in person and through text, but that he pursued her. She admits to lying obviously lol.... but says i wasnt giving her enough attention and she liked the attention from him. So its been a few weeks now and its the only thing i can think about. A good mate and my girlfriend betraying me like this really hurts. So much so that im physically ill in the stomach some days. It may or may not help, but what do you guys think? 1. She would have never left unless things turned bad conflicts with she would consider leaving you if he left his wife. 2. She said she had feelings for him only for one night conflicts with she had mutual feelings for him and wanted to work things out, along with 3 months of flirting. Personally, I would walk away from this. What happens the next time you fail to give her the attention she wants or fulfill her expectations? Blaming you for her bad behavior is gaslighting. She hopes you will take the fall for her ways. Thereby, she's off the hook because the devil made me do it. When needs are not fulfilled, you communicate with your partner, you don't cheat nor do you secretly scheme an exit plan. It's pretty simple. If she didn't get caught, what would have happened? Think about that. You have a child and I understand that. A child is best raised in an environment when two parents are happily apart rather than unhappily together. Difficult choice to make but I would really take into account the "what if" you never caught her. Speaks volumes.
Mcnulty Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 You're not going to leave her judging by your posts.
geegirl Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Flashback! Don't you just hate that gg. My ex used to get so angry and would scream at me from time to time "you made me do it!". Can't beat those emotionally immature gaslighters. Great post as always gee...:bunny: Yup, I caught my ex cheating yet, he screamed at me for what he did and said it was all my fault and that I should have known it would happen. I remember, I was once having a barbeque with him and I casually said, "If we ever move in together, it would be nice to stay in this area." This is after he mentioned he wanted to grow old together. All hell broke loose. He screamed at me with, "You're pushing me to the edge with your controlling ways...." I was dumbounded. I started questioning my needs and feeling that maybe I was too controlling. Biggest mind f***. 1
Chi townD Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I'm not going to tell you to leave her or to stay with her. What I will tell you is that I think you need to go to your Doctor and get some meds to help you deal with all of these emotions right now. Then, I strongly suggest that you seek out a counselor to help talk you through everything you're feeling at the moment. Time to be selfish and worry about you for a bit. You need to take care of yourself for a while.
Author onlyforu212 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 thanks guys! the what if factor is pretty big... hard to know what she would have done, i wish i had left it longer before telling her and got her to meet me at a hotel or something. Guess i will never really know. To believe someone whose actions suggest she is lying is definitely hard. He did ask her if she would leave me and she said no.... guess thats something in any case i may not have a choice for the sake of my sanity i might have to leave, my modd swings are uncontrollable and is not just me. Guess i never really knew how much i loved her
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