JamesLK Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I'm 29 and I've been married to my wife for 4 years and together for 6. My wife is 25. Coming to the decision of divorce wasn't easy for me at all. I'm the one choosing to divorce, she wants to stay in the marriage. I love my wife, but not as much as I did before and not in the same way. I'm not happy with the marriage anymore. She did nothing wrong, she's an amazing woman and wife. But it's not enough anymore. The marriage isn't dull or boring, I'm just not happy. And there is nothing she can do to fix that. She has severe problems with sexual abuse in her past. She has been in therapy for years, most of her life. She's gone through numerous medications and different types of therapy. It helps, but doesn't fix anything. Because of this, we've never had sex, I've never seen her naked, I've never touched her sexually, she's never touched me sexually. For years, I could handle this. It was hard, but I made adjustments because she was literally perfect in every other way. But now I'm not happy, and I'm starting to take it out on her. I'd never hit her or anything, but my temper with her is short, I don't want to spend as much time with her and I'm just not treating her the same. This has been going on for the past two years. We've been trying to work through it with couples therapy and sex therapists, but it's not working. I have never cheated on my wife, and I never want to. But when I go out to the bar (rarely) with the guys for a few drinks and a woman hits on me, I get more sexual attention from her in those 10 seconds than I have ever got from my wife. And it is very hard. It's very hard for her to. She's tried so many times to be able to do anything sexual, but just can't. When I told her I was leaving, she broke down. And by broke down I mean she cried and hyperventilated for hours. To the point where she was taken to the hospital because she couldn't breath. I'm literally all she has. She was orphaned when she was little, so she has no family. She is very close with my parents, but says she can't be around them anymore. I said I still want to be a friend to her, but she (understandably) cannot handle that, especially when I'm with another woman. She's been texting me every day saying she will be better, that I can sleep with women whenever I want and that she loves me. I feel like the biggest ******* for hurting her and leaving her. But I need to be happy. No matter how many times I tell her that she didn't do anything wrong and that she was an amazing wife, she doesn't believe me. I'm abandoning her, just like everyone else in her life has done. She doesn't think anyone will want her and she will always be alone. I'm not exaggerating when I say I made her life and everything she has to deal with easier. I'm abandoning her, and it's killing me.
carhill Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Welcome to LS You married her. No worries. Someone else will 'want her'. Part of being a mature adult is recognizing unhealthy incompatibilities and, if irreconcilable, ending the association. How do you make the divorce as easy as possible? In my state, California, I would mediate it with an uncontested action and request judgment by mail. Here this can be accomplished with as little as two trips to the courthouse (now not even that, as our county has a family law center) and one trip to the mediator. I'd had some experience with higher functioning abuse/molestation victims and I must say the constant issue for myself (perhaps not another man) is that, once that's out there, it was always in the back of my mind that I could inadvertently 'trigger' something. I've triggered a few flashbacks and the results were not pretty. I now consider such women to be off my potential partner list. After a good 30 years of acceptance, it's time to consider my own emotional health. I hope you do it while still young. Getting old just means time lost. Good luck.
Hopefulandinlove Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I know you have probably put a lot of thought into your decision, but just out of curiosity, have you tried to change your marriage? You said she's willing to let you sleep with other women. Have you given that a try? Love comes and goes in marriages and sometimes it disappears or changes for a few years and then when people make changes to their relationship, it comes back. She's willing to make some changes. Since she seems so good for you in other areas, why not give that a try and see if your feelings change?
carhill Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 OP, question.... you say she's perfect in every other way.... How is emotional intimacy? That very vulnerable place two spouses occupy with each other? I ask because emotional intimacy, at least at the level of intimacy I operate at, was problematical with the ladies with past abuse/molestation histories. It was almost uniformly so. Such was when and where I came up with the phrase 'thinking the relationship'. That's what it felt like, that they were thinking love rather than feeling it, like the actions were the right thing to do because they heard it was what love meant, but didn't feel it elementally. Some of this came out in MC. That's why I'm mentioning it, even though it might not apply in your case, depending upon your emotional style.
thatone Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) You get it over with as soon as possible, imo. There's nothing you can do. If you give in you validate her behavior, and it won't ever change. When she sobs about being alone, tell her that she will be alone until she sorts her issues out. Give her motivation to do so, that's the best you can do. Lots of people are/were sexually abused. My gf was too. Our sex life is fine. Her past does not excuse her actions. And carhill makes a good point. In the future, you don't marry women that you don't have a healthy sex life with. You don't even get into relationships with them outside of marriage, actually. Else these issues arise when it's too late. Edited June 13, 2012 by thatone
Author JamesLK Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 You said she's willing to let you sleep with other women. Have you given that a try? We've talked about this the whole time we've been together. She did say I could sleep with other women, but it kills her to say it. She's understanding about the situation and why I might want that, but that doesn't stop it from hurting her any. The most I ever saw her hurt was when I said I was leaving, talking about this was the second most. She would sacrifice her feelings for me, but then what kind of man does that make me? She would be miserable, and I would hurt her more than she's already been hurt. I'm not doing that to her. She deserves better than to be hurt. How is emotional intimacy? I'm not quite sure if I understand what you are asking. The emotional intimacy isn't what it use to be, but before it was great. During the first year of our relationship she did 'think' it. She did things because that's what she thought was the right thing to do. But after a year or so, she started getting more comfortably doing things naturally. After that happened, it was great. Of course it has declined since I started thinking about divorce. thatone, I got offended by your post. Yeah lots of people have been sexually abused and turn out okay, but I can guarantee you my wife's abuse was far more severe than your girlfriends. Regardless, her behaviour isn't going to change. She cannot change it. Trust me, if she could she would. Her issues cannot be "sorted out". You come off very insensitive for someone who has a girlfriend who was sexually abused. My wife was held captive, in a basement for 5 years and raped every single day by 4 men. When you have a girlfriend who was kidnapped, chained naked to a wall, severely beaten everyday for nearly 2000 days, didn't see light for nearly 2000 days and raped at least 7600 times and still has a normal sex life, please, let me know. 2
tojaz Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 How is emotional intimacy? I'm not quite sure if I understand what you are asking. The emotional intimacy isn't what it use to be, but before it was great. During the first year of our relationship she did 'think' it. She did things because that's what she thought was the right thing to do. But after a year or so, she started getting more comfortably doing things naturally. After that happened, it was great. Of course it has declined since I started thinking about divorce. Emotional intimacy is vastly different then sexual intimacy.. and in a marriage much more important. Its connection, trust, security... all those intangible things that should separate your wife from the girl hitting on you at the bar. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to make this easier on her. While there is still definite compatibility problems. Shes still losing the person she loves. The sad part is..... It sounds like you are to. TOJAZ
pteromom Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Oh my gosh. Your poor wife. Has she considered some kind of intense inpatient therapy? Have you two tried to go to a sex therapist? I feel horrible for what she went through. I understand you wanting a normal sex life and wanting to be happy, but have you tried everything possible to fix the marriage? Does she WANT to want sex? If she does, I think she can get there with time and effort.
Hopefulandinlove Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I hope you try everything possible. She has had a horrible life and I know you aren't responsible for her, but by becoming involved with her and marrying her, you did give her promises and allowed her to relay on you being there forever. I know a lot of people won't agree with me, but it's different when the other person has been through so much. You really will be hurting her more then a normal relationship if you leave. I know you don't want to hurt her by sleeping with other people, but it seems the lesser evil. She has to go through one pain, either losing you or letting u sleep with other women. Which do u think would hurt her less?
health Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 When I read the title I was like - what a dick - then I read on and honestly you havea point. sex IS important - thats the difference between an intimate relationship and a friendship. Try your best to fix it and have sex with her and maybee it can work.
whichwayisup Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 This truly is a heartbreaking situation to read. I actually don't know what type of advice to give you at the moment, I need to think about this (and not at 1am!) so I will answer more tomorrow. I think friendship right now is important and if you do decide to divorce, you should still be in her life 'as a friend' to a point. New rules/boundries but never seeing or speaking to her again will hurt her deeply. Counselling together can help the transition of divorce or even separating for a while. No need to rush into a D. What she experienced was beyond awful. I can't even imagine the pain and mental part of this and how can one recover from something that she suffered through for so many years. I commend her strength to keep going and her will to live. I take it counselling now will be a forever thing for her. Anyway, I hope this helps. Will check in again tomorrow.
Author JamesLK Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 Oh my gosh. Your poor wife. Has she considered some kind of intense inpatient therapy? Have you two tried to go to a sex therapist? I feel horrible for what she went through. I understand you wanting a normal sex life and wanting to be happy, but have you tried everything possible to fix the marriage? Does she WANT to want sex? If she does, I think she can get there with time and effort. She has tried every type of therapy out there. We've had been having sex therapy for the past 5 years. She wants to want to have sex, but wanting to want to just isn't enough. She wants to be able to have sex for me, not for her. She has said many times she would be fine never having sex or being touched sexually again in her life. We have spent a lot of time dealing with this, and she has spent years dealing with it. I do understand that maybe 5, 10 or 20 years from now she might be ready to have sex, but I can't stay unhappy for that long. It's not fair to me and it's also not fair to her.
Author JamesLK Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I know you don't want to hurt her by sleeping with other people, but it seems the lesser evil. She has to go through one pain, either losing you or letting u sleep with other women. Which do u think would hurt her less? For a while, leaving would hurt her more. But she would move on, eventually. But as long as I'm sleeping with other people, she will hurt. Every time I leave to go be with another woman, she will hurt over and over and over again. She deserves better than that. For a while, maybe it would help me, but it wouldn't help forever. It would just make me want that intimacy with my wife and to share that bond. If I left her after sleeping with other women for a while, that would hurt her a lot more.
pteromom Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 Do you guys see a regular marriage counselor together? Perhaps you can go through the splitting/divorce process with the counselor? It sounds like you are trying to do this the right way. I feel so bad for your wife, but I understand your point of view.
stillafool Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 There's absolutely no way your marriage revive if you are allowed to sleep with other women. Once you start having sex with another woman you will develop feelings for her and end up leaving your wife anyway. There's no easy way out except to leave. She will have a tough road ahead of her but the two of you cannot be friends. Like Carhill said, you wanted her and someone else will too.
Hopefulandinlove Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 You seem like a very nice guy and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Are you sure that you leaving wont hurt her more than sleeping with other women would? I know in your mind it makes sense that it would, but what about her mind? She's been hurt so bad in the past that what would scar her worse might not be what woukd hurt a normal person worse. Have you asked her what would hurt her more?
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