Long, but I'd REALLY appreciate anyone who read this...trying to get my ex-gf back?

[lucifer2019]

First of all, I’d just like to thank you for taking the time to help me out. I honestly can’t tell you what your kindness and consideration means to me, and I really appreciate any advice you have regarding my situation.

 

Okay, here goes:

 

So my ex-girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago, and since then I've been a mess. I love this girl with all of my heart and I've never felt such a special connection with anyone else in my life, so I really want to get her back. She means the world to me, and I can't stand the thought of losing her, or worse, of her being with another guy. Anyways, we had been in a strong and dedicated relationship since November of last year, and I honestly tried to give her everything as a boyfriend. I wrote a song for her and serenaded her around Christmastime, and later I sent her a plate of homemade cookies and a long, mushy card for Valentine's Day. We never argued, I almost always agreed with her, and I always tried to be there for her. We got along very well and there was definitely chemistry from the get-go. She was just so easy to be around and talk to, and we enjoyed our fair share of intimate moments together as well.

 

One day in early May she told me we needed to talk. She said she felt like we had been growing apart as of late, mainly because we were very busy performing in our school's musical together. She said she felt like we didn't have as much time for each other as we normally did, and she went on to tell me she was grateful that I gave her space to make new friends during the performance, but at the same time she said she would've liked me to interact with her more. What's that supposed to mean? In addition to the stress placed on our relationship from the musical, she said that a serious boyfriend just wasn't what she needed right now, and while she really cared about me she thought we should take a break. She said she wasn't planning on going after other guys any time soon (I don't know how much of this is true though, with summer just around the corner), and she said she still really wanted to be friends because we had got to know each other very well.

 

Like I said, this was almost a month ago. Since then I've gone through just about every human emotion possible, from shock, to extreme sadness, to anger and resentment. I tried getting over her, but she was just so special to me, and I have never met another girl quite like her. I felt like we really had something, a kind of special connection that I hadn't felt with past ex-girlfriends. It’s mushy and cliché, but I would honestly do anything for this girl; I just want to make sure she’s happy.

 

Anyways, she ignored me almost entirely for the first two weeks, and I did the same, mainly because I simply couldn't look at her without remembering just how much I loved and cared about her, and how those feelings were no longer mutual. I expressed those exact feelings to her over text a couple days after the breakup, and she responded with something alone the lines of "I know you're hurt, and I'm sorry, but I hope we can still be friends." She started smiling at me a couple days ago, just in a polite, friendly way, and I returned it. So I feel like we're back on a somewhat friendly level, no face-to-face conversations yet. Friends of hers have told me she's not mad at me, she just doesn't really know what to feel towards me at the moment. Right now I'm wondering whether or not I should call her or if she'll call me. Besides the texts exchanged a couple days after the breakup, we've been in "limited contact," mainly because I'm forced to see her every day in school and thought this would be best for me. I'm also wondering how I should act around her if I'm trying to get her back without being clingy, desperate, or obvious. She wants to be friends, but is that something I should really do if I want to get her back? I've trying to act like the split didn't really bother me in hopes of gaining back her attention, while I've disclosed my true feelings to a few close friends. I've been trying to focus on myself, improving my physical appearance, reflecting on my own personals flaws that led to the breakup, and getting my scattered emotions under control, but all the while I just can't stop thinking about her and how much I miss her. She was truly such an amazing part of my life that I just can't let go of, no matter how hard I try. Above all, I would really like to know whether or not she misses me and wants me back. One of my admitted shortcomings in our relationship was my hesitation to initiate, whether it was simply holding her hand or kissing, and being more dominant or "in control." I think I acted this way because I just really cared about this girl, was always very respectful towards her, and I never wanted to offend her. But after thinking it over for a very long time, I came to the conclusion that I am willing to change my ways in order to get her back. An important note: I'm in high school, and we get out for the summer in about three weeks. When we were dating, we discussed how we'd be in camps and therefore not able to see much of each other over the summer. So I've got a lot of time to work on getting her back, right? Next year we'll still be seeing a fair amount of each other, so I really hope by then she still remembers that special connection we used to have, start to miss me and eventually want me back. In other words, my goal is to heal myself over the next four months, somehow keep her attention towards me, and then reconnect with her in the fall and win her back.

 

So here are the top questions I have concerning my relationship:

 

1. About how long should "no contact" or "limited contact" last, and which one of us should break it first?

 

2. Should I make a conscious effort to remain friends with her if I want to get her back? Or should I just ignore her to get her attention and allow her to miss me? This is one of my most frustrating questions because I don't want to seem clingy or desperate by bombarding her with calls and texts, but I don't want to appear "over it" by giving her the cold shoulder. I'd really appreciate anything you have to say regarding this question.

3. What should I do over the summer to gain back her interest in me and make her want me again? Is calling or sending text messages a good idea?

4. Finally, once she's interested in me again, how can I re-attract her and get that "spark" we once had back? And how can I keep her this time around?

[tallydoo]

 

So here are the top questions I have concerning my relationship:

 

1. About how long should "no contact" or "limited contact" last, and which one of us should break it first?

 

2. Should I make a conscious effort to remain friends with her if I want to get her back? Or should I just ignore her to get her attention and allow her to miss me? This is one of my most frustrating questions because I don't want to seem clingy or desperate by bombarding her with calls and texts, but I don't want to appear "over it" by giving her the cold shoulder. I'd really appreciate anything you have to say regarding this question.

3. What should I do over the summer to gain back her interest in me and make her want me again? Is calling or sending text messages a good idea?

4. Finally, once she's interested in me again, how can I re-attract her and get that "spark" we once had back? And how can I keep her this time around?

 

1. NC/LC is for you. Right now, you've got these feelings of not only love but also lost love (that part where you remember that you broke up), so wait until you're healed. You can't get back into a relationship with her if either one of you has confused or conflicting feelings towards each other (e.g. being hurt from the breakup, etc). Just wait. There's no set amount of time for NC or LC. As far as who breaks it first: that's a tricky question. Traditionally, it's the dumper who breaks it first, but I just broke it with my ex to get us on the plane of "friendly but not friends", and nothing's blown up yet.

 

2. Try going with the "friendly but not friends" route. Because you do need time to heal. Don't contact her or look at her facebook or anything, and if she contacts you, reply but keep it brief and light-hearted, and always be the one to end the conversation. In this case, I think it'd be best if she came to you.

 

3. Whatever you want to do. There's no magical activity that will attract her, but something you genuinely enjoy is most attractive. Plus, if it doesn't work out, you have a fabulous hobby to help you move on. As for me, I took up running, rock-climbing, and guitar. It can be anything you want, as long as it's for you (not merely to impress her) and helps you grow in some way.

 

4. These forums wouldn't exist if anyone had the answer to that. It might happen, it might not--there are too many variables to predict what would work. Grow, build up some self-confidence, be happy. That's all you can do to re-attract her.