I broke up with someone who i love because his mother is racist.

June 13, 2012

To make a long story short I had been dating my now ex for about a year, we attend the same college in New York. We met at a party and decided to keep in touch; I had just ended a relationship a few weeks earlier and vowed not to date again for at least a year. That went out the window after one conversation with him on the phone. We went out, went out again, and again, I was so happy to be around him, I could be my goofy self and not worry about looking like a weirdo. He always told me how beautiful I was and was always the perfect gentlemen. Soon it got to the point where I had to stop myself for wanting to text him all the time.

Despite the fact that I’m black and him being white was never an issue for either of us. However, I did wonder what people around us were thinking. It’s just the way I am, I have a bit of a hypersensitivity issue since I was a little girl. If someone is laughing around me I always assume it’s about me; the smallest things seem to make me cry, although I have gotten a little better with that. I always considered myself a little weak because of how fragile and sensitive I am plus I overanalyze everything. I tried many things to change this about myself but to no avail. (Okay I digress).

A few weeks after dating he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes, despite just ending a relationship it didn’t feel like we were rushing things. Our relationship had been great, we only had one disagreement and we got over that and learned from it. He has met my parents when they came to visit me and they seem to really like him. Although I hadn’t met his yet it didn’t seem out of the ordinary because his parents live so far away from New York. (Oh gosh this isn’t short at all. LOL). One night we were having a casually conversation about random things and I asked him what his parents thought about him being in a serious relationship and he dropped a bomb that he actually never told them about me.

You could only imagine how I felt. I looked at him angrily and demanded an answer to why. He explained to me that his mom was racist and would be upset by it. I couldn’t believe it, it was as if he was ashamed to tell his mom. I got up gather my things and left, he tried calling my phone later but I didn’t answer. After a couple of days of thinking about it and talking to friends and family I decided to break up with him. He didn’t take the news well at all in fact it sounded like he was about to cry. He apologized and I accepted it but I just can’t get over the fact that he kept me a secret but most importantly I couldn’t deal with the fact that his mother is a racist. Just think about how awkward it would be if I were to meet her.

I still love him but as I said earlier I’m a fragile person and I can’t deal with that. He’s calling all the time, I don’t pick up but I feel a little guilty. It’s not his fault him mom is a racist but…idk advice please.

June 13, 2012

Well, interracial relationships are (unfortunately) still a little taboo even in the 21st century. It's not easy sometimes and because of that, I don't think that you're as fragile as you think you are. I think that you are very brave and standing up for yourself and your feelings that if you possibly love someone, it doesn't matter what color they are. And I have to give your boyfriend kudos as well for seeing past color, even with his upbringing and seeing a beautiful woman. Not just a beautiful black woman.

The thing is, if your in a interracial relationship, there are going to be people that don't approve (black and white). But you know what? That's their problem. Because you found a man that treats you well, knows how to treat a girl with respect and that you found someone that you have fun with and importantly is your friend. THAT'S what is most important with any relationship. So if people talk, let them talk! It's their problem. You have a good man, and that's what all women want.

So, I would talk to the guy. Tell him that you are hurt by his actions (or lack there of) and you are not even going to entertain any talks about getting back together with him until he tells his family about you. That's your line in the sand.

June 13, 2012

Thats the thing, i don't know if i could deal with his mom, i just need to think more.

June 13, 2012

Well, you're never going to know unless you try. You don't know what his mothers reaction will be. You really do know how she would feel about it. It's just your boyfriends opinion. She might like you more than him!

June 13, 2012

Ill tell you something Tashi, my best friend is a Greek man, and his family encouraged him to marry greek, and he stood up to them and told them it wasnt happening. He always dated black women too. They smiled in m,y face, but he told me that behind closed doors they still have sort of an old school mentality. Because he stood his ground, his parents accepted the puerto rican woman that he married. They would rather have him than miss out on him if he denys them access to future grandchildren.

Your ex bf could try this, but its up to him to be brave enough to stand up to his mom. You'd also have to find out if any other of his relatives feel the same way. Wouldnt be to good to run into more people like that. But you never know, his mother might take a while to accept you, but she could see that theres no reason for her to be racist about you.

Now if you are too meek to stand up to her yourself in the case of a possible confrontation, and you dont have the disposition to try to make her understand, or at least not take her seriously, then thats a whole different story.

Edited June 13, 2012 by Eddie Edirol

June 13, 2012

Now if youare too meek to stand up to her yourself in the case of a possible confrontation, and you dont have the disposition to make her understand, then thats a whole different story.

I could stand up for myself if i had to its just if i have the energy too. Now i feel like i did an impulsive thing by breaking things off with him. I was just so hurt about the whole situation i didn't take everything into consideration.

June 13, 2012

Well, you're never going to know unless you try. You don't know what his mothers reaction will be. You really do know how she would feel about it. It's just your boyfriends opinion. She might like you more than him!

You're right i don't really know

June 13, 2012

Tashi- I was looking to join this forum to post my own little saga, but saw your story first and felt like I could contribute something.

I'm married for 20 years to a black/hispanic man, I'm white. My parents never accepted him b/c of race. We have 2 kids. When I got pregnant with my first, my parents moved 200 miles away. Although I did visit my parents with my kids and husband, and my parents "put on a welcoming face", they never did accept his race. My mother was from the south and grew up with the whole black/white segregation thing still going on (she was born in 1926). My father, although more accepting than my mom, was still racist as well.

Well, both my parents are dead now. Know how my kids refer to my father? "Mom's dad" or "mom's father." Not grandpa.

As someone already said, it's their loss.

So, bear in mind, your boyfriend's mom may never accept you. But if you can live with that, then it's fine. You just have to keep in mind that people may not change. But your relationship with your boyfriend is really the only important thing, in my opinion.

For some people it might be a dealbreaker just because the whole family on Sundays thing is a huge part of their lives, so it would be a constant in-your-face kind of thing. For me, I only saw my parents a couple times a year, so I could deal with it for those short periods of time.

I'm on the verge of a break up myself, but it has nothing to do with race in my case. Just thought you could benefit from my experience. Good luck to you.

June 13, 2012

Man, can i relate with the hypersensitivity thing.

I battled that one throughout HS and college and it still affects me somewhat.

Going by some ppl you know in HS, hearing a word sounding like your name or your name being mentioned [without necesarily being about you] and then spending an entire evening imagining what they thought of you.

I remember my mom once told me that she could hear whenever i moved about in my room upstairs and to this day i feel like i am being watched when i go inside it.

Soft rejection was the worst for me. I would not get a 'no' but that person would dissapear for a while, and when the realisation came that it was a rejection i would go into depression. And this is about little things too.

It never got to the point where i would cry, but it feels like anything could set me off, and when i got to that point i would make some change about me or my habits that i kept on it out of some ... fear.

The good news is that it gets better, as time goes by you grow a thicker skin and when you get to that point you get to keep your hypersensitivity which does help a lot in human relationships because you can see what others can't.

Sorry to dabble on this for so long, but i haven't met many ppl who have this, seems that most who have this are seriously introverts.

And i'd like to add one more thing that is related to your hypersensitivity.

I noticed what you said about you cutting him off.

I know you did not do that because you are strong, you did that because you are very very afraid of getting hurt, because you have learned to defend yourself like this.

That's what hypersensitivity does actually, it can enhance the pain/suffering that is normal in life so to protect ourselves we develop a switch in our minds which we flip to cut those who have hurt us out of our lives.

Other ppl see it as being strong willed, but it isn't.

However, this kind of thing has an added effect, it also allows us to manipulate the ones we cut off if they chase.

It gives us power over them, which we will use.

Work on this a lot, because it can be an awesome tool but also a cause of grave concern.

About your bf, what did he say exactly about his mom ?

Stop moping about and think of this as test.

If he decides to break it because of her, than you two were not meant to be.

A good partner stands up for you, protects you, regardless of gender.

June 13, 2012

Tashi- I was looking to join this forum to post my own little saga, but saw your story first and felt like I could contribute something.

I'm married for 20 years to a black/hispanic man, I'm white. My parents never accepted him b/c of race. We have 2 kids. When I got pregnant with my first, my parents moved 200 miles away. Although I did visit my parents with my kids and husband, and my parents "put on a welcoming face", they never did accept his race. My mother was from the south and grew up with the whole black/white segregation thing still going on (she was born in 1926). My father, although more accepting than my mom, was still racist as well.

Well, both my parents are dead now. Know how my kids refer to my father? "Mom's dad" or "mom's father." Not grandpa.

As someone already said, it's their loss.

So, bear in mind, your boyfriend's mom may never accept you. But if you can live with that, then it's fine. You just have to keep in mind that people may not change. But your relationship with your boyfriend is really the only important thing, in my opinion.

For some people it might be a dealbreaker just because the whole family on Sundays thing is a huge part of their lives, so it would be a constant in-your-face kind of thing. For me, I only saw my parents a couple times a year, so I could deal with it for those short periods of time.

I'm on the verge of a break up myself, but it has nothing to do with race in my case. Just thought you could benefit from my experience. Good luck to you.

If it were my parents who were racist it would be a lot easier because i wouldn't care what they thought. It would hurt me to know that his parents are talking bad about me. I could only imagine the nasty things they would say. Again it has a lot to do with my hypersensitivity, i need to work on that before i make my next move. Thanks for sharing your story.

June 13, 2012

Man, can i relate with the hypersensitivity thing.

I battled that one throughout HS and college and it still affects me somewhat.
Going by some ppl you know in HS, hearing a word sounding like your name or your name being mentioned [without necesarily being about you] and then spending an entire evening imagining what they thought of you.
I remember my mom once told me that she could hear whenever i moved about in my room upstairs and to this day i feel like i am being watched when i go inside it.
Soft rejection was the worst for me. I would not get a 'no' but that person would dissapear for a while, and when the realisation came that it was a rejection i would go into depression. And this is about little things too.
It never got to the point where i would cry, but it feels like anything could set me off, and when i got to that point i would make some change about me or my habits that i kept on it out of some ... fear.
The good news is that it gets better, as time goes by you grow a thicker skin and when you get to that point you get to keep your hypersensitivity which does help a lot in human relationships because you can see what others can't.
Sorry to dabble on this for so long, but i haven't met many ppl who have this, seems that most who have this are seriously introverts.

And i'd like to add one more thing that is related to your hypersensitivity.
I noticed what you said about you cutting him off.
I know you did not do that because you are strong, you did that because you are very very afraid of getting hurt, because you have learned to defend yourself like this.
That's what hypersensitivity does actually, it can enhance the pain/suffering that is normal in life so to protect ourselves we develop a switch in our minds which we flip to cut those who have hurt us out of our lives.
Other ppl see it as being strong willed, but it isn't.

However, this kind of thing has an added effect, it also allows us to manipulate the ones we cut off if they chase.
It gives us power over them, which we will use.
Work on this a lot, because it can be an awesome tool but also a cause of grave concern.

About your bf, what did he say exactly about his mom ?
Stop moping about and think of this as test.
If he decides to break it because of her, than you two were not meant to be.
A good partner stands up for you, protects you, regardless of gender.

I can so relate to think someone is watching your every move. My freshmen year of college i felt like i was being watched when i was alone too. I had to plan my every move before hand to avoid because of that. Thank God those days are passed me. I defiently have introvert tendencies i love time to myslef but if i want to keep my friends i have to get out there.

About cutting him off because im afraid i never looked at it that way but i think you nailed it right on the head. In the pass if i didn't want to deal with people i would just cut them off, It seems a lot easier.

The conversation wasn't very long but he basically said she doesn't like black people and would have a problem with him being with me. he told me that after a year of dating. I was so hurt by it i broke it off; what do you mean by we have the power to manipulate others? i have a theory but i would really like to hear it from you.

June 13, 2012

It would bother me more that your boyfriend kept you a secret. I have been there and that is ugly. Much more so than the beliefs of his mother.

June 13, 2012

It would bother me more that your boyfriend kept you a secret. I have been there and that is ugly. Much more so than the beliefs of his mother.

Thats bothering me a lot actually.

June 14, 2012

I can so relate to think someone is watching your every move. My freshmen year of college i felt like i was being watched when i was alone too. I had to plan my every move before hand to avoid because of that. Thank God those days are passed me. I defiently have introvert tendencies i love time to myslef but if i want to keep my friends i have to get out there.
About cutting him off because im afraid i never looked at it that way but i think you nailed it right on the head. In the pass if i didn't want to deal with people i would just cut them off, It seems a lot easier.
The conversation wasn't very long but he basically said she doesn't like black people and would have a problem with him being with me. he told me that after a year of dating. I was so hurt by it i broke it off; what do you mean by we have the power to manipulate others? i have a theory but i would really like to hear it from you.

I'll try to explain how it has happened to me.

When someone would hurt me, even without wanting instead of talking it over and in the end going NC i would immediately go NC on all fronts.

And i kept it, out of fear of what that person would do next time.

When this happened, that person sometimes would try to approach me to find out why. I would not relent, and eventually they would become slightly obsessed about it.

When this happened i would be in a fantastic position to dictate rules, it's like negociating in a very hard way.

This is pure manipulation and i would get into this scenario curtesy of my hypersensitivity, but would abuse my power because ... well, it was there.

Becoming aware of these cycles is the first step in dealing with them, if you have them or to prevent them.

I decided to mention this because after 1yr relationship it's kinda unusual to go full NC and keep it up after just 1 conversation. Others [and you] might have considered this is strength, willpower.

If you are from the US, i wouldn't blame him that much because he didn't say anything about his mom being racist.

Afaik it is kind of a sore subject there, so he might have been genuinely afraid of how you would react.

If you do decide to get back together though, make it clear you were hurt by him keeping it a secret for this long from you, you were hurt a lot.

June 14, 2012

I didn't read through all the replies, so if this is a repeat, forgive me.

Why not give him a chance, Tashi? I really don't think it is right to punish your ex for having a racist mom. Of course, he should stand up for you and not make a secret of your relationship...but sometimes it takes time to build that courage, and he is probably afraid of what this will do to his relationship with his mom. You have to understand that. It's not that he's ashamed of you (how could he be? it sounds like he likes you a LOT)...but that it must be a hurtful, complicated situation for him too.

My advice would be to help each other, not hurt each other. It's a really hard situation for you too, but if you really like each other, you shouldn't let his mom's beliefs come between you. When the time comes for him to confront his mom, be his support. And also ask him to support you as much as he can. I would only start to worry if you guys become serious and he still hasn't gotten the balls to tell his Mom....then it would become a big issue. But I think you really need to give it time.

June 14, 2012

If it were my parents who were racist it would be a lot easier because i wouldn't care what they thought. It would hurt me to know that his parents are talking bad about me. I could only imagine the nasty things they would say. Again it has a lot to do with my hypersensitivity, i need to work on that before i make my next move. Thanks for sharing your story.

Maybe this will help. Theres no reason to worry about what people that DONT know you say behind your back, and are too cowardly to say to your face. if they want to bad mouth you behind closed doors, let 'em. Thats their character flaw to deal with, not yours.

June 14, 2012

I'll try to explain how it has happened to me.

When someone would hurt me, even without wanting instead of talking it over and in the end going NC i would immediately go NC on all fronts.
And i kept it, out of fear of what that person would do next time.

When this happened, that person sometimes would try to approach me to find out why. I would not relent, and eventually they would become slightly obsessed about it.

When this happened i would be in a fantastic position to dictate rules, it's like negociating in a very hard way.

This is pure manipulation and i would get into this scenario curtesy of my hypersensitivity, but would abuse my power because ... well, it was there.

Becoming aware of these cycles is the first step in dealing with them, if you have them or to prevent them.

I decided to mention this because after 1yr relationship it's kinda unusual to go full NC and keep it up after just 1 conversation. Others [and you] might have considered this is strength, willpower.

If you are from the US, i wouldn't blame him that much because he didn't say anything about his mom being racist.
Afaik it is kind of a sore subject there, so he might have been genuinely afraid of how you would react.
If you do decide to get back together though, make it clear you were hurt by him keeping it a secret for this long from you, you were hurt a lot.

Yeah thats very similar with me but only when someone genuinely pissed me off do i cut them off. I kind of get a kick out of picturing them imagining me living a happy life while they lie in bed wondering what went wrong. Gosh i need to work on myself.

June 14, 2012

I didn't read through all the replies, so if this is a repeat, forgive me.

Why not give him a chance, Tashi? I really don't think it is right to punish your ex for having a racist mom. Of course, he should stand up for you and not make a secret of your relationship...but sometimes it takes time to build that courage, and he is probably afraid of what this will do to his relationship with his mom. You have to understand that. It's not that he's ashamed of you (how could he be? it sounds like he likes you a LOT)...but that it must be a hurtful, complicated situation for him too.

My advice would be to help each other, not hurt each other. It's a really hard situation for you too, but if you really like each other, you shouldn't let his mom's beliefs come between you. When the time comes for him to confront his mom, be his support. And also ask him to support you as much as he can. I would only start to worry if you guys become serious and he still hasn't gotten the balls to tell his Mom....then it would become a big issue. But I think you really need to give it time.

We're actually going to talk about everything tomorrow, i do feel bad about dumping him without really giving him a chance to explain but i was hurt. I should have considered his feels aswell.

June 16, 2012

ANSWER THE PHONE:love: I have been were you are now, do not let friends and family steal :mad:your happiness.

June 19, 2012

To make a long story short I had been dating my now ex for about a year, we attend the same college in New York. We met at a party and decided to keep in touch; I had just ended a relationship a few weeks earlier and vowed not to date again for at least a year. That went out the window after one conversation with him on the phone. We went out, went out again, and again, I was so happy to be around him, I could be my goofy self and not worry about looking like a weirdo. He always told me how beautiful I was and was always the perfect gentlemen. Soon it got to the point where I had to stop myself for wanting to text him all the time.
Despite the fact that I’m black and him being white was never an issue for either of us. However, I did wonder what people around us were thinking. It’s just the way I am, I have a bit of a hypersensitivity issue since I was a little girl. If someone is laughing around me I always assume it’s about me; the smallest things seem to make me cry, although I have gotten a little better with that. I always considered myself a little weak because of how fragile and sensitive I am plus I overanalyze everything. I tried many things to change this about myself but to no avail. (Okay I digress).
A few weeks after dating he asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes, despite just ending a relationship it didn’t feel like we were rushing things. Our relationship had been great, we only had one disagreement and we got over that and learned from it. He has met my parents when they came to visit me and they seem to really like him. Although I hadn’t met his yet it didn’t seem out of the ordinary because his parents live so far away from New York. (Oh gosh this isn’t short at all. LOL). One night we were having a casually conversation about random things and I asked him what his parents thought about him being in a serious relationship and he dropped a bomb that he actually never told them about me.
You could only imagine how I felt. I looked at him angrily and demanded an answer to why. He explained to me that his mom was racist and would be upset by it. I couldn’t believe it, it was as if he was ashamed to tell his mom. I got up gather my things and left, he tried calling my phone later but I didn’t answer. After a couple of days of thinking about it and talking to friends and family I decided to break up with him. He didn’t take the news well at all in fact it sounded like he was about to cry. He apologized and I accepted it but I just can’t get over the fact that he kept me a secret but most importantly I couldn’t deal with the fact that his mother is a racist. Just think about how awkward it would be if I were to meet her.
I still love him but as I said earlier I’m a fragile person and I can’t deal with that. He’s calling all the time, I don’t pick up but I feel a little guilty. It’s not his fault him mom is a racist but…idk advice please.

I think you, uhhhhhhhhh, have described a step akin to quitting on something before it quits on you. It seems like a self-protection mechanism that will eventually get you in trouble or, at the very least, put unwelcome strain on your life and personality.

The fact remains that nobody on this planet cares more about the color of your skin than you do - and the amount of that caring is a variable controlled entirely by you.

You didn't even allow yourself the seeming joy of this decent-enough guy based on something which you hadn't yet encountered. This is the move of a 14yo girl, and all things considered of 14yo's... perhaps not a bad one for such a person.

The truth is that you stopped being 14 quite a long while ago, and maybe you should have resolved to deal directly with such a hurdle rather than turn and race off of the track before encountering it. (unless it was a situation where you were into him solely for the family inheritance, and you learned that it wouldn't come his way if he stayed with you)

June 19, 2012

I think you, uhhhhhhhhh, have described a step akin to quitting on something before it quits on you. It seems like a self-protection mechanism that will eventually get you in trouble or, at the very least, put unwelcome strain on your life and personality.

The fact remains that nobody on this planet cares more about the color of your skin than you do - and the amount of that caring is a variable controlled entirely by you.

You didn't even allow yourself the seeming joy of this decent-enough guy based on something which you hadn't yet encountered. This is the move of a 14yo girl, and all things considered of 14yo's... perhaps not a bad one for such a person.

The truth is that you stopped being 14 quite a long while ago, and maybe you should have resolved to deal directly with such a hurdle rather than turn and race off of the track before encountering it. (unless it was a situation where you were into him solely for the family inheritance, and you learned that it wouldn't come his way if he stayed with you)

I admit i do have to work on myself, but when i thought about my decision to break up with him it was completely justified in my head at the time. We're actually back together as of yesterday, it was completely stupid of me to break up with him and he understands his wrongdoing as well. Its going to be a uncomfortable dealing with his mother so im just going to try and take it one day at a time.

June 20, 2012

I admit i do have to work on myself, but when i thought about my decision to break up with him it was completely justified in my head at the time. We're actually back together as of yesterday, it was completely stupid of me to break up with him and he understands his wrongdoing as well. Its going to be a uncomfortable dealing with his mother so im just going to try and take it one day at a time.

I'm relieved... for to break-up with someone based on traits known to their parent is far too near to breaking-up with someone (or not dating them) for reasons of genetic traits known to either parent.

I do admit that you are justified in perhaps bristling whenever talk of his mother arises, yet like most challenges in life, addressing it is much better than avoiding it.

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I broke up with someone who i love because his mother is racist.

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