tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 My story is probably similar to so many people. It appears that we all struggle with NC. The thing about my situation is that NC is pretty much what made my relationship unbearable in the first place. So, trying to practice it when the relationship ends, feels like I am trying to adopt my ex's way of being. Allow me to explain. When I first met my previous ex gf, she was the most standoffish, withdrawn person I'd come into contact with. Honestly, it's one of the things that made her appealing to me (It must have been a similar trait that a previous ex had, or perhaps someone I loved during childhood treated me this way). Anyways, in the beginning I initiated just about all the phone calls and pretty much all the topics of conversation throughout our relationship. She owned up to lacking communication skills and always seem to take pleasure in listening to my stories. Eventually, her lack of initiative slowly began to aggravate me and was no longer a turn on. Anytime I would confront her about this, she would completely "shut down". Which meant going from no initiation all the way to nothing...no phonecall, no texts, no email...no communication whatsoever! I would always end up crawling back to her...apologizing just to get back the little she gave. Finally, we officially broke up and I have tried NC off and on for 3 years...going on 4 at this point. There is a major reason why I can never seem to stick to it. Even though, we are broken up, when I force NC, I still feel like I am in a relationship with her. And the worst part is I feel like I'm succumbing to her ultimate need, which is for "space" and lack of communication, while I sit here suffering (just like it always was). Ultimately, it begins to force my old pattern for crawling back to her, apologizing...trying to get the little she gave all over again. Please help! -Trying...
Tiera D Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Nah its been 4 years wasted shouldnt you be getting a new girl by now? Or you both can go therapy perhaps the therapist can help her open up and learn some communication skills,something tells me she has a painful past so she simply shuts down,i really suggest going on therapy if not then il suggest you seriously considering move on,you wasted too much time on nothing TD
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Nah its been 4 years wasted shouldnt you be getting a new girl by now? Or you both can go therapy perhaps the therapist can help her open up and learn some communication skills,something tells me she has a painful past so she simply shuts down,i really suggest going on therapy if not then il suggest you seriously considering move on,you wasted too much time on nothing TD WOW! You're the fourth person to say, "she may have had a painful past". I have gone to therapy before and that's the first conclusion they make when I talk about her. Some have determined there was abuse. Due to the fact that she messed around with different types of drugs in her early years, drank a lot, says she never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) until me (and she was almost 30)...maybe there's truth to that. She use to fight a lot she told me (physical fights). So, she claims when she met me she finally let her guard down and let people walk all over her. According to her she made her life all about me and her job and ended up losing herself. She said, she never wants to feel pain like that again. So, there ya have it! You're right...I need to move on, but how? I've tried therapy, dating others, finding hobbies and I also seem to find myself right back in the cycle of trying to win her affection. I think I may be afraid to fully commence the NC for good, because she may hurt me again down the road. Basically, she has a way of making me feel like I'm an a$%hole when I stand up for myself. I usually end up extremely depressed, until I can make things up to her.
paperboy48 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Is she with someone else or has she been with someone else?
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) Is she with someone else or has she been with someone else? The info. I gathered is that she finally had a boyfriend (side note: I was her gf for 5 yrs.) during my 2 yrs. of NC. According to her she fell in love, but had to break up with him due to it being long distance. They only saw each other once a mth. & claims each visit was wonderful. Once he decided he wanted to move to be with her...she suddenly became physically ill & broke it off. She wondered how he'd find a job, would his family be ok (as he was helping them out), and she didn't want someone to answer to. Shortly, after that she ''fell into dating a woman''--her words (who she claims reminded her of me based on the way she dressed)...it didn't last for more than a few wks. She said, the girl she was seeing changed so, she couldn't stand her anymore. Edited June 13, 2012 by tryingtodiscoveranew
Tiera D Posted June 14, 2012 Posted June 14, 2012 because you see OP let me explain a person attitude or life principles is not set in stone its always changing,the people you interact with or the partner you are with,they are commonly a reflection of yourself to a certain extent,there are some people who say they hated to be in a relationship simply because all men/woman are the same untrustworthy,but the truth is because they are always searching in that same pool of people,thats why the people that they end up with is often the same type.To end this cycle you should search else where meaning if you searching in clubs the people you know would be that particular type,you search in a library however the people you meet would be different,thats your answer to get someone new She claims she lose herselve while dating but thats just normal as long you change to improve,but i believe her actual meaning is simply she is bored with your relationship,as much as i see your ex is someone who always wants something new,unless you can do that i think its best to let her go or you will be through hell to please her TD
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 because you see OP let me explain a person attitude or life principles is not set in stone its always changing,the people you interact with or the partner you are with,they are commonly a reflection of yourself to a certain extent,there are some people who say they hated to be in a relationship simply because all men/woman are the same untrustworthy,but the truth is because they are always searching in that same pool of people,thats why the people that they end up with is often the same type.To end this cycle you should search else where meaning if you searching in clubs the people you know would be that particular type,you search in a library however the people you meet would be different,thats your answer to get someone new She claims she lose herselve while dating but thats just normal as long you change to improve,but i believe her actual meaning is simply she is bored with your relationship,as much as i see your ex is someone who always wants something new,unless you can do that i think its best to let her go or you will be through hell to please her TD I'm not familiar with "OP"...what does it stand for? I totally agree with the statement of "the people I interact with being a reflection of self". The irony is, before I met her, there was a woman I wanted to be with so bad! I was willing to disregard my values, morals, you name it!! If she said, "the sky was purple", I would have gone with it. Basically, she did not feel the same, or at least did not show it. So, needless to say that's when my insanely obsessive thoughts began and lasted for years over this woman. I focused so hard on her, that the ex you and I have been writing about was very similar to her. Their jobs, aspirations and education was different, but their core seem to mirror each other. To be exact it was mainly their negative qualities: stubbornness, mean spirited, self-absorbed, phony, etc. (I should note that they were both pretty! ) So, I suppose as a cancellation prize I landed the woman that was readily avail. to date. This may actually bring your point home. With me, it seems as though I have been attracted to a type. And I suppose until I figure out why I desire women who posses these qualities, (when all they do is drive me mad) I'm stuck!
Tiera D Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 OP simply means original poster which is you anew to explain more i think you did not fall in love with the previous girl before your ex,think you are obsessed with her.Example,remember your childhood let say you like a bicycle,you are unable get it so you think about how to obtain it,you used many ways but still you still cannot get it so,every single day you think about it more and more until you cannot sleep,even you sleep you dream about it,and i know its suffering.In my opinion to counter this mindset you need to be more open minded try to accept other possibilities,try other girls.Always ask the question to yourself, "Am i being used/what do i obtain by doing this or that?" you need to keep personal boundries. While concerning your ex let me reveal some history about myself,use it compare between you and i.Ok my ex is same age as i 20 years old never gone to college.have a poor life in youth also never stayed with parents,your ex like mine have to strive on her own,to do anything to succeed.People like these usually had an unhappy youth,with age it alters their perception on life.And looks attracts all men,my 3 exes are all the hotties in high school,but looks does not mean the soul is pretty too. Best way to pinpoint these type attracted qualities is to ask a close friend.One of my best mates told me once that all my girlfriends are similar to one another,and he even told me that dont i realize a pattern in all my relationships,the problems in it is it not similar? bro i think take your time think about every women you dated or tried to date list down the similarities,think about how it ended.Eventually,you will get the "Eureka" moment like me,trust me TD
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 OP simply means original poster which is you anew to explain more i think you did not fall in love with the previous girl before your ex,think you are obsessed with her.Example,remember your childhood let say you like a bicycle,you are unable get it so you think about how to obtain it,you used many ways but still you still cannot get it so,every single day you think about it more and more until you cannot sleep,even you sleep you dream about it,and i know its suffering.In my opinion to counter this mindset you need to be more open minded try to accept other possibilities,try other girls.Always ask the question to yourself, "Am i being used/what do i obtain by doing this or that?" you need to keep personal boundries. While concerning your ex let me reveal some history about myself,use it compare between you and i.Ok my ex is same age as i 20 years old never gone to college.have a poor life in youth also never stayed with parents,your ex like mine have to strive on her own,to do anything to succeed.People like these usually had an unhappy youth,with age it alters their perception on life.And looks attracts all men,my 3 exes are all the hotties in high school,but looks does not mean the soul is pretty too. Best way to pinpoint these type attracted qualities is to ask a close friend.One of my best mates told me once that all my girlfriends are similar to one another,and he even told me that dont i realize a pattern in all my relationships,the problems in it is it not similar? bro i think take your time think about every women you dated or tried to date list down the similarities,think about how it ended.Eventually,you will get the "Eureka" moment like me,trust me TD Hey Tiera... Actually, your ex seems much different than mine. My ex actually lived at home with parents until her mid thirties. She went to grad school and saved up to buy her own house. Me on the other hand...I relocated by myself in my mid twenties to a city where I didn't know a soul. I also didn't really have a job locked down until two weeks before my move. I just had to get away. And leaving her to hopefully break my addiction (to our dysfunctional relationship) was primarily the reason why I moved to a random city out of the blue. We were at the point where she stopped taking me back and I was too nervous to look for another woman in my own city. I believed if I lived somewhere that no-one knew me, I could be myself and escape the emotional turmoil I was experiencing with her. The one thing I didn't expect was that I became extremely homesick and overspent financially, that my ex ended being someone I could turn to. This is exactly when the tables turned and she gained the upper-hand. My self-esteem was at it's lowest, I was depressed from missing home and being alone, I was falling into extreme debt and she still wouldn't take me back. While all of this was happening with me...she on the other hand was back home going to school, making new friends, living with parents, saving money, and preparing for her wonderful future. She came to visit me a couple times and we ended up hooking up. But, she made it clear she could not be in a relationship. The same stuff she was saying when I moved. Everything was in her control. She didn't return phone calls as often and became more distant. Finally, I ended up I moving back home, under the impression that she and I would try again and I would get my life back on track. Well...I could've been more wrong. Although we hooked up every blue moon, she emotionally was not attached to me and I could feel it. I became so depressed, while she seemed ok. She started bring things over to my new place to help me get settled and even pitched in financially every month. I felt like she had all the control (puppet master). Well after much more turmoil and catching her flirting HEAVILY with a guy friend of hers, I was not only under her control, but now add jealousy to the pot and we have a recipe for total destruction! At the time I was working three different jobs, and looking into school myself. I just needed to get back on track. Inside I was completely devastated and there were days that I could barely get out of bed. I even had panic attacks when I would see pictures of her, or text her. I had no idea how to push through...so I often turned to her, which was bad...I know.
Tiera D Posted June 18, 2012 Posted June 18, 2012 sadly i dont have much to say bro,but since you moved back atleast some problems were solved you have family support now,but i would say you should discontinue the friends with benefits situation with her its not healthy,you just have to suppress the urge,i guess having three jobs now should lessen the time you have to hookup with her,i think you should not accept financial aid by her unless you sorely need it,or else it just made you worst ..As i see it she still love you one way or another,just right now its not the time yet. I think to make you feel better,how about ask some friends to introduce a new girl although i strongly recommend you focus on your career atm or perhaps you could tell her what your thoughts are,tell her you want to be a real man and get a real career before continuing NC. i myself did use my ex as a crutch after she dumped me,your choice.Good luck TD
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