jnuberjosh Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I feel silly writing this because I have been here before in these situations. My girlfriend broke up with me sat via text. She had seen under my recent activity on fb that i was following someone on zoosk which is a dating site. I am a 33 old male and it said I was following a guy. I do not know how it got there but she said she was hurt because I was still on a dating site. I tried to explain to her that I had joined several dating sites before I met her and that I may not have remembered to or taken the time to deactivate all of them. I tried to assure her that I am not looking for ( cause i wasnt) anyone else..we only had dated for just over three months and I felt so good with her. She is everything I was looking for in a woman. She said she didnt feel the same now and that she was hurt and felt insecure. She told me she couldnt continue anymore that she had been through this before. Said she needed time to heal...Last time she texted me was sunday saying shed like to keep my number and be in contact from time to time. she has deleted my pics and comments from her facebook page but remains a friend...she also still wants to play draw something with me via our cell phones. She said she just needs time to heal and feel better and that I would hear from her..Is there any hope of reconciliation?
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I would really appreciate any insight I could get especially from females who have maybe did this...
Chi townD Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Well, if you explained that you belonged to several different dating sites before you started dating her and you explained all of this to her, then she's got some self esteem and jealousy issues to work through. She needs time to heal? And.....then what? Put you in the friend zone? I don't think you have a desire to be placed there. So, what you need to do is go full NC on her. And I mean block her from facebook (it shouldn't be too hard to do, I'm sure it hurt like hell to see her remove all of your pics) Don't answer texts, don't play draw wth her and don't answer e-mails or voicemails. If she calls let it go to voicemail. She made the decision to have you out of her life. It's not what you wanted but respect her wishes and cut her out of your life. Here's the rub on that. If this is "the girl" then she will reach out to you. She's going to have to make the move to say I'm sorry, I was wrong. I should have listened and trusted you. Anything else is breadcrumbs and not worth your time. The thing is, she needs to miss you. That's never going to happen if you respond to every breadcrumb she throws your way. She gets her "Josh fix" and you're back on the sidelines. 2
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Yeah she might want to come back to you, but everyone knows theres no reason for her to "heal" when she knows you want to continue the relationship. I think she wants to keep in contact with you on her terms just in case she has to urge. Dont bow to her whim. So she mioght come back, but only if she thinks she has to earn your trust again. And that wont happen as long as she knows she can contact you anytime. So like Chi said, cut her off of everything. Block her on FB, no games, block her number, and make her feel the sting of her actions. Truthfully, if she doesnt want to understand that you werent looking online to date, and this is your first offence, and you truyl were treating her like she was the one, then she was looking for an excuse to break it off. 1
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Well she was married for eight years and I guess the guy changed and cheated on her...so seeing or thinking that I was on dating sites made her not trust me and feel insecure.that is why she said she needs time to heal and feel better...whether this is all tru Idk.she looked pretty hurt when I last saw her...I will not keep in contact with her tho unless she gets a hold of me...if she does I will not immediately return her text or call..I will wait and then maybe just return a casual call or text..I really think she has feelings for me. Only time will tell I guess tho. It's just so hard to believe to me that it is over just like that...
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 If you closed down the dating site accounts after she raised the issue, there's no reason for her to have freaked out like this. I have to admit, if I had been involved with someone for 3 months and I found out they still had an open profile on a dating site, I'd be hurt as well. Her reaction does seem really extreme -- but more understandable seeing as she was cheated on in the past. It could be she's still getting over that past pain, and this incident brought up things she still needs to heal from. I'm willing to bet that if you give her some space and disappear for a while, she'll realize she over-reacted and want you back. If she doesn't..... frankly, I'd say you dodged a bullet! 1
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 I did tell her I deactivated the account. I actually also emailed the website to try and find out why it said I had logged on within the past month when I hadnt, but have yet to recieve a response. I just hope after some time apart she will realize her feelings for me and how happy we were..We havent been in any fights or arguments and she had even introduced me to her kids, which immediately took to me. She mentioned during the break up that she had seen herself falling in love with me but held back because she was worried. Now I am wondering if she really had those kinds of feeling for me. her actions and word always indicated that she missed me when I wasnt around and that I was special to her. If she truly had those kinds of feelings for me I know that she will come back to me..but how do I know?
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I did tell her I deactivated the account. I actually also emailed the website to try and find out why it said I had logged on within the past month when I hadnt, but have yet to recieve a response. I just hope after some time apart she will realize her feelings for me and how happy we were..We havent been in any fights or arguments and she had even introduced me to her kids, which immediately took to me. She mentioned during the break up that she had seen herself falling in love with me but held back because she was worried. Now I am wondering if she really had those kinds of feeling for me. her actions and word always indicated that she missed me when I wasnt around and that I was special to her. If she truly had those kinds of feelings for me I know that she will come back to me..but how do I know? It's a big deal that she let you meet her kids, definitely a good sign. It sounds like getting close to you has brought up lots of fear in her about getting hurt again. Honestly, it sounds like she still hasn't gotten over being cheated on. How long ago did that relationship end?
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Well her divorce was finalized I think last year...it was a lengthy break up...first they separated and then the divorce...and the divorce was lengthy...she has dated a few guys since being divorced besides me but nothing very long....longest was seven months. She always told me I was different than other guys she had met and I was an amazing guy. How can she just walk away then and not give me the benefit of doubt. I'm so hurt ...I was already planning our future...
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Well her divorce was finalized I think last year...it was a lengthy break up...first they separated and then the divorce...and the divorce was lengthy...she has dated a few guys since being divorced besides me but nothing very long....longest was seven months. She always told me I was different than other guys she had met and I was an amazing guy. How can she just walk away then and not give me the benefit of doubt. I'm so hurt ...I was already planning our future... I think she was overwhelmed by feelings of past pain when she thought you might be deceiving her and she got scared and bolted when she realized you had the power to hurt her that much. It's actually healthy for her to take some time away to sort it out so she can separate those old feelings from what she has with you. It's only been a few days and the breakup was over text..... I'd try to relax for a few days and see how this situation unfolds. I could be totally wrong but it doesn't sound like a real breakup to me. Personally I'd say there's a real chance of reconciliation if you can handle going through a period of uncertainty to get to the other side. Whether or not you want to wait it out though is up to you!
Douglas87 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 A sad situation. I don't know why she doesn't want to listen to you. May be you should write a letter to her, so this way you won't be in present, but all the necessary info will be delivered. Wish you luck, dude!
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Well it was by text initially but I convinced her to let me meet her face to face at her house. I wanted to see her face and what her emotions were. I know I probably shouldn't have. I tried talking to her for over four hours. Finally I knew she was tired as it was late and decided to give her what she wanted. I told her I'd be here for her,hugged and left. The next day she texted me sayjng she was sorry buy she couldn't nice forward right now . That she hurt so bad. She asked if it was ok if she kept my number. She she said she needed time to heal buy that I would hear from her...I just don't know if she was just trying to lessen the hurt or is she truly just needs time ...i havent contacted her since Sunday...I knkw its only three days but its hard...
Ruby65 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 It sounds like she truly does just need time (to me, anyway). The question is, how many days can you give her before driving yourself crazy? Your feelings are important, too. If this limbo phase is too upsetting for you, it might be better to just walk away. If you think it's worth it to wait and see what happens, I'd plan on chilling for the next week or two and see what she does next.
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 So far I have still did no contact...giving her time..its so hard tho...and I know I should be tryjng to change my mindset and try and be happy but that is even harder. I am realizing some things I should have done different in the relationship...I think I let her know my feelings too soon or often...not verbally but just by how I acted around her. Or maybe I didn't physically show her enough what she meant to me. She always initiated that kinda thing.really just venting now to try and get everything out and it actually Helps some...
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 If she was still hurt from her last relationship, then you were a rebound, and she probably wont be coming back to you, as she will be a different person after she heals, if she does. She probably wont wait, she will probably just date the next guy that asks her out. Many people who date too soon after a break up just dont want to be alone. Plus if she didnt say anything to you about working on her trust issues, so she will be in the same boat after she heals anyway. If you showed her your feelings too soon, then theres nothing for her to be insecure about, so thats still her issue. But dont wait for her to come back, she likely wont. If she does, make her work for your affection.
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 She broke it off with her previous bf because he was immature and wasn't there for her. Plus her kids were an issue with the last guy. She did say that there were trust issues in the relationship, although i didn't feel there were. I would tease her sometimes but I wasn't serious. This is tough!
Author jnuberjosh Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 okay, so ive been thinking about it.And if the underlying issue really is that she feels hurt and insecure, that she cant trust me...wouldnt NC just enforce those feelings? That I have just moved on quickly and possible did have someone else waiting in case this happened? I still have not caved and have had no contact but I am wondering if this is truly the way to go??
Eddie Edirol Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 okay, so ive been thinking about it.And if the underlying issue really is that she feels hurt and insecure, that she cant trust me...wouldnt NC just enforce those feelings? That I have just moved on quickly and possible did have someone else waiting in case this happened? I still have not caved and have had no contact but I am wondering if this is truly the way to go?? Dude you dont want to get back with her. She has trust issues with you that are unfounded. You want to go NC so you can move on, not to make her wonder where you are. You cant speculate what her feelings are, and you cant worry about it. Most likely NC will make her miss you more because she thinks you will be angry with her, which is what you want. let her think you have moved on, it will show her you dont need her, which might make her look for you. but if it doesnt, dont worry about it. You can find a woman without trust issues or kids.
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