Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Greetings, I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I'm kind of lost and would love some advice. Been reading the forum for awhile but this is my first post (first problem?), anyway! Last weekend a woman I met online (she's 29, I'm 30) finally met in person. We've been chatting online for a few months and I felt as if we had enough "history" to warrant a little trip. Anyway she lives about 2 hours away so it would potentially be a LDR. The trip was nice, we had fun and apparently we hit it off because we ended up sleeping with each other the entire weekend but stopped short of full on sex simply because we thought it was too soon. I guess we both agreed this was a good rule since we didn't know each other THAT well. We basically did *everything* else though short of it. She's a sweet girl and has her attractive qualities but my main issue is she's overweight. She's around 5 foot 7 inches and weighs (I'd guess) around 180 pounds. I'm not exactly in great shape myself (6 foot 205 pounds) but I'm having a bit of a hard time since I've never engaged into a relationship with someone who's that overweight before. I was attracted to her, yes...but certainly not gaga and the weight is a turn off. We went out to dinner one night and she never finished her meal...then ordered desert and scarfed down an entire plate of chocolate cake before I could bat an eyelash. She obviously loves her food and that's fine and she says she wants to lose 25-30 pounds but when I see someone eat like that...it makes me wonder! Anyway, being as it's so soon after meeting and now she's basically insisting (I don't blame her) that we have a relationship, since we fooled around so much if this is a wise idea on my part. She showed me pictures of herself when she was 130-140 pounds and frankly, she's hot at that weight....not so much to me right now. What do you guys think I should do? I'm talking about starting an exclusive long distance relationship with someone who while I'm attracted to on some level, am not attracted to on a purely physical one. It bothers me that I cannot "accept" her at her current weight, which I think I should since she may NOT lose it.
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Go for it you want to be miserable. Personally, I couldn't do it. There's way too many attractive women in my area.
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Geez, just leave her alone. Admit to her that you're superficial and don't want a long distance relationship, and then get the heck out of her life.
veggirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Don't bother. You aren't attracted to her and you should not enter a relationship based on what someone COULD be.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Go for it you want to be miserable. Personally, I couldn't do it. There's way too many attractive women in my area. Thanks for the reply. My main concern is I engage in this relationship then 5 months down the line when she's still 180 pounds and I'm STILL not attracted to her it's all going to come down anyway. I don't want to lead her on but at the same time I'm split down the middle on this one. I'm not exactly swimming in women in my life. I'd say I'm an average-above average looking guy but socially I don't really have all that many options. Honestly I'm not THAT great of a catch if you want to put it down to the numbers. It worries me that I may end up a 40-something year old eventually still waiting for the 20 something model to come along. If that makes sense. I don't want to be that guy.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Geez, just leave her alone. Admit to her that you're superficial and don't want a long distance relationship, and then get the heck out of her life. We're all superficial. If you think you aren't, then you're deluding yourself. That said you may be right on all the rest!
pteromom Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 If it was an "in-person" relationship, I would suggest that you inspire her by doing physical things together - tennis, walking, swimming, whatever, and see if you can help her lose some weight. But since it is an LDR, I don't know. If you aren't physically attracted to her, that's not a good place to start. I would probably move on. And if I was in HER shoes, I would definitely want you to move on. I wouldn't want anyone to be with me if they weren't attracted to me.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Don't bother. You aren't attracted to her and you should not enter a relationship based on what someone COULD be. Yes, I agree with this..it just worries me that I may be throwing away something potentially good over some weight. If that makes sense.
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Yes, I agree with this..it just worries me that I may be throwing away something potentially good over some weight. If that makes sense. You were already judging her food choices on your very first weekend together. Absolutely no good will come of the relationship if you pursue it.
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 If you aren't attracted to her physically, then that means you won't be having sex with her. So, just be friends. That way, you won't have to worry about throwing a way something good.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 If it was an "in-person" relationship, I would suggest that you inspire her by doing physical things together - tennis, walking, swimming, whatever, and see if you can help her lose some weight. But since it is an LDR, I don't know. If you aren't physically attracted to her, that's not a good place to start. I would probably move on. And if I was in HER shoes, I would definitely want you to move on. I wouldn't want anyone to be with me if they weren't attracted to me. Yes, I know. In fact she seems a bit miffed at me because I told her I needed a few days to think about how I feel. In reality if I wanted it, I would have jumped all over the opportunity to have a relationship with her. I know it and she knows it. It's not as if I'm not attracted to her, but at the same time I'm not enraptured with her. I don't feel weak in the knees, or drool, or just cannot keep my hands off her. The way I usually feel when starting a relationship. I'm supposed to talk with her this evening about it...I'm just not sure what to say I guess.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 If you aren't attracted to her physically, then that means you won't be having sex with her. So, just be friends. That way, you won't have to worry about throwing a way something good. I uh... I don't think friends is going to work with this. We basically had everything outside of sex the first weekend. No, if I tell her I don't want a relationship then chances are there's not going to be a friendship either. In fact if I tell her that I fully expect her to tell me to "f off".
SmileFace Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 point blank... You're not attracted to her Don't start the relationship on the hope she loses weight
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) point blank... You're not attracted to her Don't start the relationship on the hope she loses weight I agree with you. Would the possibility of me asking if she'd be open to just "dating" be a viable option? She said last night she was curious because she still "has other people she's talking to" and to be honest I wouldn't have a problem with that at all. Since I'm unsure myself if I want to move onto the next step. Thing is, I think it's a trick question as I'm pretty much certain she doesn't want an open dating relationship so it could have just been her way to ploy me into either committing or not. I definitely do NOT want to jerk this girl around and I haven't since it's only been a few days after we met up and I have no intention of leading her on. In hindsight it was a mistake I guess to get that physical but heck, we're both adults and she could have told me she didn't want it as I didn't exactly push her that hard for it....or at all. I mean she invited me to spend the entire weekend with her knowing that we're both single adults. Gah. Edited June 12, 2012 by Seethe
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Just cut her out and move on. You are not attracted to her, end of story. Don't drag it out.
veggirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Yes, I agree with this..it just worries me that I may be throwing away something potentially good over some weight. If that makes sense. Seethe, it's not a good thing if you aren't attracted to her. I wouldn't even bother "just dating", she will have false hope! Plus do you really think most people lose weight once they get in a R? Most people gain weight when they get in one and get comfortable in it!
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Seethe, it's not a good thing if you aren't attracted to her. I wouldn't even bother "just dating", she will have false hope! Plus do you really think most people lose weight once they get in a R? Most people gain weight when they get in one and get comfortable in it! Yeah I know it. Ugh, I totally hate these situations since in a few hours since essentially a potential friendship was completely ruined in the process. Yeah, definitely ugh.
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Yeah I know it. Ugh, I totally hate these situations since in a few hours since essentially a potential friendship was completely ruined in the process. Yeah, definitely ugh. It's not fair to her if you settle and hope she loses some weight. I wouldn't be so worried about being 40 something and having no options. I'm early 40's and I have more options than I have time for. You can always work on your social skills.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 It's not fair to her if you settle and hope she loses some weight. I wouldn't be so worried about being 40 something and having no options. I'm early 40's and I have more options than I have time for. You can always work on your social skills. It's not a case of having no options. I'm only 30 but I know guys who are in their 40's and still looking for that young attractive bombshell and cannot settle for anything less. Thus, they're single and alone...yet dating 5 people at the same time that there's no chance they're ever going to build a relationship with because *something* is wrong with each of them. I guess I'm a bit worried I'm headed down that path, with false expectations and a high likelyhood that I'm going to end up alone because of it. This girl has a lot to offer, she's kind, sweet, caring, has a high education....but I'm willing to throw all those other things away because of some weight? Yeah I feel like a superficial *******....
snug.bunny Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It's not a case of having no options. I'm only 30 but I know guys who are in their 40's and still looking for that young attractive bombshell and cannot settle for anything less. Thus, they're single and alone...yet dating 5 people at the same time that there's no chance they're ever going to build a relationship with because *something* is wrong with each of them. I guess I'm a bit worried I'm headed down that path, with false expectations and a high likelyhood that I'm going to end up alone because of it. Don't let fear drive you into a relationship for the wrong reasons and with someone you aren't mad about. But at the same time, be reasonable with expectations.
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It's not a case of having no options. I'm only 30 but I know guys who are in their 40's and still looking for that young attractive bombshell and cannot settle for anything less. Thus, they're single and alone...yet dating 5 people at the same time that there's no chance they're ever going to build a relationship with because *something* is wrong with each of them. I guess I'm a bit worried I'm headed down that path, with false expectations and a high likelyhood that I'm going to end up alone because of it. I agree with your earlier post, enraptured is a good description of my expectations as well. Anyhow, my point was not that you should hold out for a young bombshell, but never settle for someone you're not very attracted to.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Don't let fear drive you into a relationship for the wrong reasons and with someone you aren't mad about. But at the same time, be reasonable with expectations. I know...I'm trying to figure out what "reasonable" is. I definitely felt uncomfortable being in bed with her...the weight was a huge turn off. In a sense it was like I was trying to enjoy it DESPITE that. I'm also trying to not be a huge hypocrite because frankly, I'm not the greatest catch in the world and for me to be nitpicking over some extra pounds is (to me) absolutely crazy. If someone picked me apart they could find 100 different reasons not to date me or find me attractive. It's as if my rational mind is fighting my natural instinct and attraction. I agree with your earlier post, enraptured is a good description of my expectations as well. Anyhow, my point was not that you should hold out for a young bombshell, but never settle for someone you're not very attracted to. Deep down I know you're right but at the same time I keep asking myself if I'm the one with the problem, not her and I'm just going to throw away a relationship because of my own irrationally high expectations that I cannot myself meet. Edited June 12, 2012 by Seethe
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I know...I'm trying to figure out what "reasonable" is. I definitely felt uncomfortable being in bed with her...the weight was a huge turn off. In a sense it was like I was trying to enjoy it DESPITE that. I'm also trying to not be a huge hypocrite because frankly, I'm not the greatest catch in the world and for me to be nitpicking over some extra pounds is (to me) absolutely crazy. If someone picked me apart they could find 100 different reasons not to date me or find me attractive. It's as if my rational mind is fighting my natural instinct and attraction. Deep down I know you're right but at the same time I keep asking myself if I'm the one with the problem, not her. Well you can always work on being less shallow. Frankly, if I'm only going to 'date' one women, I need to be attracted to her.
Author Seethe Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Well you can always work on being less shallow. Frankly, if I'm only going to 'date' one women, I need to be attracted to her. ..and do you feel you can figure out if that attraction is there in two days? Or two dates? I'm jsut wondering if I'm not giving this relationship enough time and that perhaps just the way we met up (for two days straight) was too much to take in, too quickly. That's the only reason why I'm saying that potentially dating might be an avenue. I don't disagree with you that you need to feel both a physical and emotional/mental attraction towards someone you're exclusively dating...to do otherwise would be foolish. At the same time I'm not sure if I'm giving this one the chance it deserves based off what is essentially a first impression...albeit a long one. Edited June 12, 2012 by Seethe
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 ..and do you feel you can figure out if that attraction is there in two days? Or two dates? I'm jsut wondering if I'm not giving this relationship enough time and that perhaps just the way we met up (for two days straight) was too much to take in, too quickly. That's the only reason why I'm saying that potentially dating might be an avenue. I don't disagree with you that you need to feel both a physical and emotional/mental attraction towards someone you're exclusively dating...to do otherwise would be foolish. At the same time I'm not sure if I'm giving this one the chance it deserves based off what is essentially a first impression...albeit a long one. I can figure if attraction is there in a few seconds. Does that mean I won't give someone a chance to grow on me? Of course not. I believe attraction is just too instinct to deny. Trusting your intuition is probably the best advice I've encountered on Loveshack. It applies in most aspects. And while I agree, the emotional aspect is just as necessary as physical attraction, who cares how great her character is if you don't find her attractive. Why would you settle for not being happy. I say trust your gut on this one, don't listen to me. I'm as shallow as the puddle I'm standing in, but I balance it out by being one of the kindest people you'd ever meet. 1
Recommended Posts