Content Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) My best friend is going through a divorce now,last year he walked in on his wife with another guy he still tried to get back with her then after a few months found out she was going out with the guy he found in his bed the past year and decided to stop pursuing her Even after that hes had thoughts of getting back with her here and there,hes finally getting to the anger stage with is probably healthy but its mostly depression He feels he wasted 13 years of his life with her and that his life is ruined,hes tried to see other women recently but is too backed up to get intimate WHat advice can i give him? is there any answer really but time to help him heal and get better? How long did it take some of you to get over things like this? What did you do to get better if you did? Edited June 12, 2012 by Content
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I take it you are female and a friend of his? Please be careful. He's very vunerable right now and emotions are all over the place so if you truly are "JUST" a friend, and I mean a total platonic one, not attracted to him in the way and are truly looking out for his best interest, then I suggest you just listen to him when he needs a friend and suggest that he go to counselling to talk to a professional for all that he's coping with. Do not influence him either way. Especially if you do have any 'feelings' for him. Time is on his side. He needs to go through all the motions of losing his marriage, grieve the life he once thought he'd have with his wife. Everybody is different.. Though with the help of counselling he can sort this out and make a healthy transition.
BetrayedH Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I can't say that much of anything helps. I'm going thru a divorce from my wife that cheated as well. I discovered it just over a year ago and we've been in divorcing mode for 6 months. It's still a daily obsession and a painful one. I, too, feel that my life has been ruined and that I wasted the best 19 years of my life with her. There's not much you can do. One thing you can avoid is abandoning him. At this point, most of my friends and family are in a sort of avoidance mode with me. Not their fault really; they don't know what to say or do and they have their own lives to live. But it is extra hard to really feel like I can't burden anyone with talking about it anymore. I guess I've used up all my sympathetic ears. I had one person that knew everything from start to finish. She eventually got burnt out, too. My life is very solitary now except for the days when I have my kids. I would probably end my life but I could never do that to my children. So I keep on Try to be the one person that always listens, even when you are burnt out. Trust me, he'll appreciate that he is not utterly alone.
Author Content Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I take it you are female and a friend of his? Please be careful. He's very vunerable right now and emotions are all over the place so if you truly are "JUST" a friend, and I mean a total platonic one, not attracted to him in the way and are truly looking out for his best interest, then I suggest you just listen to him when he needs a friend and suggest that he go to counselling to talk to a professional for all that he's coping with. Do not influence him either way. Especially if you do have any 'feelings' for him. Time is on his side. He needs to go through all the motions of losing his marriage, grieve the life he once thought he'd have with his wife. Everybody is different.. Though with the help of counselling he can sort this out and make a healthy transition. Oh no im a man
Author Content Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I can't say that much of anything helps. I'm going thru a divorce from my wife that cheated as well. I discovered it just over a year ago and we've been in divorcing mode for 6 months. It's still a daily obsession and a painful one. I, too, feel that my life has been ruined and that I wasted the best 19 years of my life with her. There's not much you can do. One thing you can avoid is abandoning him. At this point, most of my friends and family are in a sort of avoidance mode with me. Not their fault really; they don't know what to say or do and they have their own lives to live. But it is extra hard to really feel like I can't burden anyone with talking about it anymore. I guess I've used up all my sympathetic ears. I had one person that knew everything from start to finish. She eventually got burnt out, too. My life is very solitary now except for the days when I have my kids. I would probably end my life but I could never do that to my children. So I keep on Try to be the one person that always listens, even when you are burnt out. Trust me, he'll appreciate that he is not utterly alone. Sorry to hear that..yeah i try to be there for him whenever he needs me..its just hard because i dont have the answers i just try to tell him to maybe avoid women and a rleaitnship for awhile.. I think he desperately at times tries to have a women to fill the hole his wife left and thats dangeorus becasue hes mentally fragile now and if another reltianship goes bad goes know what hell do.. I just feel awful because he seems so heart broken and damaged
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Sorry to hear that..yeah i try to be there for him whenever he needs me..its just hard because i dont have the answers i just try to tell him to maybe avoid women and a rleaitnship for awhile.. I think he desperately at times tries to have a women to fill the hole his wife left and thats dangeorus becasue hes mentally fragile now and if another reltianship goes bad goes know what hell do.. I just feel awful because he seems so heart broken and damaged Kidd I didn't know it had gotten so bad You gotta meet some new people. Probably good advice for all 3 of us (the "friend" in this thread, Kidd, and me) Content, it's ok that you don't have answers. It's hard not to want to give advice. I think it's just human nature, especially guys. I read about "validation" and what a powerful thing that can be. It can feel lame, but saying things like "Man that sucks, that would drive anyone insane. I admire you for doing as well as you have. You've been through a lot and are will just a be a stronger person at the end of it all." Stuff like that, encouragement, validation, and support. You don't have to give sage advice. Just tell him he's a good person, he doesn't deserve what happened, and that he'll eventually be ok. Over and over again..rephrased as many ways as you can think of.. =) btw, I'm in a similar situation. 14 years of marriage, my wife cheated. We are divorcing. Counting the days until she moves out... ='(
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Being a good listener is important. So is counseling. So is exercise because it is something to do and it will release endorphins, those natural feel good chemicals we all need, especially when depressed. Music can be amazing; both songs that speak to our sadness (but not too much) and songs that empower us for new beginnings. Does he own an Ipod? Great gift for reluctant exercisers. Trust me, I know. Group activities, especially with new groups of people who do not know your sorry tale; adult classes,like dance, yoga or art, finance, photography several days a week after work. There are single groups, and then there are single groups who have a common activity together like hiking, lectures, or listening to cheap live music in town parks. If he searches, these can cost little to no money. He needs a distraction from his lonliness while he learns how to be single again. He does not need a new romantic relationship; he needs to venture out and form new friendships with single and divorcing people who can help him navigate these new waters.
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I can't say that much of anything helps. I'm going thru a divorce from my wife that cheated as well. I discovered it just over a year ago and we've been in divorcing mode for 6 months. It's still a daily obsession and a painful one. I, too, feel that my life has been ruined and that I wasted the best 19 years of my life with her. There's not much you can do. One thing you can avoid is abandoning him. At this point, most of my friends and family are in a sort of avoidance mode with me. Not their fault really; they don't know what to say or do and they have their own lives to live. But it is extra hard to really feel like I can't burden anyone with talking about it anymore. I guess I've used up all my sympathetic ears. I had one person that knew everything from start to finish. She eventually got burnt out, too. My life is very solitary now except for the days when I have my kids. I would probably end my life but I could never do that to my children. So I keep on Try to be the one person that always listens, even when you are burnt out. Trust me, he'll appreciate that he is not utterly alone. See my list above. What on this list are you doing on a daily basis?
whichwayisup Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Oh no im a man Okay then my answer is different and basically just be there for him. Listen to him and allow him to vent.. Though with that said, try to make him laugh - He can't be down and out all the time as that is only going to make him feel worse, so do some fun guy things and be silly..Ya know, revert back to 12 year olds, get drunk, do stupid funny things for a laugh.
Steen719 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 This may not be for everyone, but I went to a divorce recovery group. The group itself was helpful to be a place to talk and know that everyone there knew some of my pain. But the best thing from the group is that I have made some friends to do things with. They are not all divorced as some of the facilitators have remarried. I went to a book club meeting tonight, I have been to music in the park with some of them and I have met some very nice people. It has helped me. I thought that I would never start feeling better, but in time, I have. I talked to friends and family and I know everyone does not have a great circle of support, but I was surprised at the people who reached out and never seemed irritated when I called just to say how bad I felt. They never hung up without saying call anytime. Have your friend talk to some friends, even old friends he hasn't talked to in a while. One friend who has helped me was my college friend...years and years ago. We reconnected about the time I started going through this. She has been invaluable. Try a church for support and if he is not religious, try a Unity church or some church that is more concerned about the metaphysical aspects. They can be accepting and supportive. Read, read, read. I just read "Loving What Is". Some of it was a little much, but I have to say, I really did see the beauty of giving up the things I had no control over. Spend time just thinking. God, that was hard for me. I had to think about a lot and some of it was so painful, but it really is true that to get to the other side, you have to go through it, not around it. I spent day after day crying my eyes out. It didn't kill me. I thought it would, but it didn't. I have no idea how long all of this will take to get to where it is just another part of my life, but I have definitely decided that the journey has to be as good as I can make it. I am not a Pollyanna. This has been hard, is still hard at times and I am trying to find my way through how best to deal with things like son/father relationships, how to get out of this financial mess I am in and other crap. But you know what? I feel better than I did and so will your friend. But he has to work at it. Time helps, but you have to figure out what helps you and do it, even if you do not want to. I wish him good luck.
Steen719 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 . One thing you can avoid is abandoning him. At this point, most of my friends and family are in a sort of avoidance mode with me. Not their fault really; they don't know what to say or do and they have their own lives to live. But it is extra hard to really feel like I can't burden anyone with talking about it anymore. I guess I've used up all my sympathetic ears. I had one person that knew everything from start to finish. She eventually got burnt out, too. My life is very solitary now except for the days when I have my kids. I would probably end my life but I could never do that to my children. So I keep on Try to be the one person that always listens, even when you are burnt out. Trust me, he'll appreciate that he is not utterly alone. Kidd, I am really sorry things are so lonely for you and it is this bad. I can't imagine that you have used up all of your sympathetic ears. I imagine it is just that you feel that way. What about family? Brother? Sister? Please post here when you feel so bad. You know that we know how you feel. Sorry for t/j
BetrayedH Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I owe the apology for the thread-jack. Should know better and I will be ok; won't be doing any such thing.
nofool4u Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I actually just made sure my friend and I went out and tried to have fun. I think it helped him tremendously. He seemed the same as your friend, desperate, grieving, and wanted to "win" her back, as if she was some sort of prize. We went out for some drinks, I actually slapped him upside the head(in a kidding friendly way) and told him to snap out of it. I told him there are plenty of single women out there looking for a good guy like him. But I also told him a whole new world is opening up to him, date around and have fun. Thats exactly what he did. Then after a while we went out for a few beers and he told me that he should have listened to me sooner rather than feeling like an idiot and pining for an absolute unworthy huss. So he needs you. Get him to go out and show him the world that awaits him, and to let his cheating tart go. She'll just be some other poor sap's problem. Oh and as far as a divorce, tell him to have his attorney get her to agree to leave the house. She doesn't deserve to be in it. She will need to sign a quit claim deed and will owe her half of the equity in it(which can be negotiated out of things like retirement, etc) That way if he ever decides to sell it, she can't lay any claim to the profit. As far as child support, if they have kids, it is what it is. Its painful to pay, but his kids should be taken care of and he should take comfort in that. (And no, he has little chance of getting custody unless his huss of a wife is a drug addict or she is a danger to his kids. And no, being a wh0re doesn't deem her unfit in the eyes of the court) Hang out with him and good luck.
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