gskyo Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I'm 24, a uni student and recently, I met 2 guys online. The first guy lives in another country. Let's call him CA. He is 25, funny, attractive, smart, charming, we share a lot in common and he is clearly attracted to me (I know because in many of our interactions, he expresses his attraction). However, he doesn't have his life together, despite being older than me, he is only going back to college now, drinks heavily and hasn't settled down from the partying phase (I party too, but much more sensibly). We skype and use IM to communicate. One day, we both talked about how we wanted to go out with each other if not for the distance, he asked if I would consider moving to his country, I told him at one point of my life I plan to be there (I am definitely not moving for a guy, but that country has always been on my bucket list). He sounded somewhat hopeful. Following up on that, I wrote him snail mail (which took 2 weeks to arrive) to ask him out on a virtual skype date. He found it sweet but declined by saying that he is trying to build his life now and that we are both too busy to be focused on dating someone so far away. I coolly accepted his reasons and moved on, I still liked him but clearly, it wasn't going to work out. Then, I met guy 2 online, let's call him BW, he is 26, also a uni student, genius level smart, a different kind of charming, shy, attentive, sweet and persistent. He has direction in life, lives in the next city and managed to persuade me to give him my number, since 3 weeks ago, we have been texting on regular basis, it used to be daily (in the first week, it was WHOLE DAYS) but at lesser frequency now. He makes me melt by remembering little details and by conjuring up possible things we could do in the future together, like traveling the world or sitting on the couch enjoying an F1 race with me. After 2 weeks, I started to feel like I was falling into a routine with him. I thought to myself, what if I meet him and it doesnt work out? I didn't want to get hooked before we meet. Around this time, CA expressed his disappointment of having so much distance between us, I realised I dont have this issue with BW. I actually asked BW out, to which he said yes but sounded very reluctant. It caused a rift between us and the only way we mended that rift is to pretend that I never asked and the date was never established. I was hurt but I am glad we are still talking, though right now, not as often as I would like. Probably a good thing that he is withdrawing, this way, I won't feel so attached. After this awkwardness happened with BW, CA started talking to me online. We bantered a little as usual and out of no where, he asked me to have skype sex with him. I told him no and not to make me regret knowing him for even suggesting it, I was disappointed. He acted slightly defensive and said he didnt mind if I hated him. Then, next morning, I suspect he came home from clubbing, he drunk messaged me. I told him to get to bed, he wouldnt and started to say he wished he could make out with me, then asked if I would consider it if I was there with him, I told him we wont know, he asked again and again, I refused to answer, to which he started hurling insults. I asked him why he was acting so weird and he said he is lonely, I asked if he can get laid in real life, he said no and tried again with the advances. I waited until he signed off and wrote him a message, telling him that knowing that I like him does not make me his whore, and that I am sad our conversations have been reduced to pointless sexual advances that I will reject. I said I still find him interesting and told him I know he is capable of being the guy who I could talk to, and that we both know we cant work out because of the distance and I told him that we are just friends. I actually thought CA was a stand up guy for being up front with me about staying friends after I asked him out on a virtual date, only to find him like this now is very disappointing. I want to understand a) Why CA is acting like a total jerk now? b) How do I get CA to be my friend again? c) Am I handling his sexual advances right? d) How do I proceed with communications with him? Do I cut him off completely or still remain cordial? I also wonder if BW is losing interest, despite the fact that I screwed things up a little, I thought we had a shot. He used to text me morning to night, now, it's an occasional thing. My question for this is e) I tried making the first moves but he wont budge. Do I give up on this guy who is too shy to give me a call and is taking his time to meet me after 3 weeks of texting? I have since deleted my online dating profile because it's tiresome... Sorry for the long post... Edited June 12, 2012 by gskyo
pteromom Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 CA has nothing to lose by trying to get you to sex him on Skype. You can't build a relationship because he is too far away (and he doesn't seem to want to anyway.) A guy who hurls insults at you isn't worth keeping as a friend. Don't pay attention to who he is "capable" of being - pay attention to who he really is: a guy who wants to use you for sexual release, has no interest in any other type of relationship with you, and who doesn't respect you enough to be kind when he doesn't get his way. I would cut contact with him completely. RUN. There could be several things going on with BW. He could be uninterested. He could be married, therefore unable to meet for an actual date. He could be painfully shy and terrified of meeting in person. I would continue talking to him and see what happens, but with no expectations that it will go anywhere. If his issue is shyness, you should see him start to open up. Meanwhile, you need to put a lot of thought into what you want in a man. It's not about him making you "melt". Melting is nice, but for long-term compatibility, you need to set standards for yourself and refuse to date anyone who doesn't meet those standards. I'm not talking about superficial things, but important things. For example, you say CA doesn't have his life together, but BW has direction in life, and you admire that about him. So "having goals and direction in life" should be on your list. You say CA parties too much and drinks heavily, and you don't. This is a big deal. You don't know how many friends I have who ended up with alcoholic husbands! So put it on your list "Partying can't be a priority in his life, and drinking should be moderate." And keep going. Think about what your perfect guy would be like, and make a list. Separate the list into "Dealbreakers/Musts" and "would be nice". Then don't settle for less than what you want. If you meet a guy and find out he parties hard, just walk away. Don't let yourself get emotionally invested in someone who obviously isn't what you want. 3
Lil1 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I want to understand a) Why CA is acting like a total jerk now? b) How do I get CA to be my friend again? c) Am I handling his sexual advances right? d) How do I proceed with communications with him? Do I cut him off completely or still remain cordial? I also wonder ... e) I tried making the first moves but he wont budge. Do I give up on this guy who is too shy to give me a call and is taking his time to meet me after 3 weeks of texting? a. He is acting like this because you two have already established that a LDR is not possible and he's probably just stopped caring. b. You can't. He is not interested in a friendship unless you can put out for him, albeit over the internet. c. Only you can really know the answer to this one. We all have different values. d. Cut him off unless you are going to give into his advances. e. This guy sounds more like your tune. Take it slow. I have since deleted my online dating profile because it's tiresome... Probably the best decision. You are very young with lots of real opportunities of meeting a good guy closer to you. 1
Author gskyo Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Pteromom, I actually do have a list of "nice to have" and "dealbreakers", which is why BW made the cut. CA got me attracted unexpectedly because he said he just wanted to be friends at first, I didn't know we would get along so well. Pteromom and Lil1, Thank you both for your insight. I really needed someone to tell me as it is. I think I will have one last talk with CA before I cut him off completely, just to tell him how being an ass is unacceptable. I really want to get my disappointment of him off my chest. As for BW, he isn't married and he is legit, with some journals published. He was very open in the beginning, he was sharing with me the dreams of what he plans to do when he finishes uni, which is working in different countries around the world and then settling down in one of those country, get a dog and maybe kids. I was surprised that it is exactly my dream though I never told anyone about it. I'm already kind of emotionally invested in this one, as unrealistic quick as it may seem and I am not comfortable knowing that I now may like him more than he likes me.
Author gskyo Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Well, this is funny. I wanted to talk to CA today, but before I clicked on him, I saw his new status update. He announced that he has a new girlfriend. Sealed the deal, I know I wont be matured enough to remain fine as I watch him talk about how awesome someone else is. I deleted him off everything I have that connects me to him. I would say good riddance but of course, I'm still feeling a little hurt from being both sexually objectified and then to later find in such short amount of time, he has got a new girlfriend.
pteromom Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I'm still feeling a little hurt from being both sexually objectified and then to later find in such short amount of time, he has got a new girlfriend. Don't feel hurt - feel THANKFUL that he is out of your life. It's a blessing! 2
FitChick Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 There are a lot of timewasters. You just have to learn to weed them out. Dating is a numbers game. 1
darkmoon Posted June 21, 2012 Posted June 21, 2012 my concern was alerted when i got to the bit about CA "drinks heavily " in the first paragraph, it's nice weather, just go out, men/ppl are chatty in good moods with the sun out
Author gskyo Posted June 22, 2012 Author Posted June 22, 2012 CA is out of my life completely now, and honestly, I dont even miss him. I actually only just moved to the UK a few months back and it's hard to make friends. Honestly, UK people are very nice once you get to know them but they arent the most forthcoming in terms of friendliness... The only way I meet guys are in clubs (often shady guys) and online (often mind game players). In general, I am finding it hard to meet people who I can click with well in a place I am still fairly new to. BW has not spoken to me for a week, I was thinking of texting him to check what's up with him. But got advice (asked again here.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/331914-do-i-text-him-now) not to talk to him but wait for him to talk to me. I'm getting concerned. I realise I did kind of have a crush on him but nothing I cant live with, I'm not even looking to date him anymore but I wonder we are "okay" as friends. The silence is puzzling...
FitChick Posted June 23, 2012 Posted June 23, 2012 Look for expat forums in the UK. They often have meetups or at the very least are a wealth of information about settling into your new country.
Author gskyo Posted June 23, 2012 Author Posted June 23, 2012 Settling in is actually no problem and I actually have tried joining those communities... a lot of the members are all much much older with little interests in common. Volunteering and joining special lecture programmes didnt manage to deliver any real friends as well. I am fairly friendly, never had this problem when I was back home, but I find it odd that I cant meet people since moving here despite my best efforts.
Author gskyo Posted June 25, 2012 Author Posted June 25, 2012 (edited) Hey people I need your help again though I know you've already given advice. BW and I still havent had a proper communication since more than a week ago. Saw him online on FB today and sent him a greeting, asking him if he would like to play an online game with me (he's been teaching me chess). He didnt reply. I really want my friend back! Admittedly, because of the CA issue, I was acting very weird (hot/cold/occasionally overly long replies) with BW and pushy to meet but I enjoyed the conversations! I know, I screwed up! I enjoyed the quiet phase I had after settling the CA issue and not being texted by BW at the time actually gave me the space I needed to think properly. I was thinking, if I dont hear from him in the next 3 days or so, should I just send one final message to him explaining my behaviour and apologize for the loss of our friendship? If he decides to ignore me again, I'll move on and delete him out of my life. I hate feeling like I am left hanging... Edited June 25, 2012 by gskyo
FitChick Posted June 25, 2012 Posted June 25, 2012 Do you want a date or do you want a friend? In the UK, you can always meet people at a pub. Go on quiz night.
Author gskyo Posted July 1, 2012 Author Posted July 1, 2012 Do you want a date or do you want a friend? In the UK, you can always meet people at a pub. Go on quiz night. I want both, but thanks for the advise!
Author gskyo Posted July 18, 2012 Author Posted July 18, 2012 (edited) Well... BW did talk to me, I saw him online in FB and said hi, this was about 2 weeks after no contact, he talked like we normally would and he didnt seem upset. He said we could do a virtual date of chess when he isn't busy (which I felt was halfhearted), I didn't follow up on it. After that, I haven't spoken to him until now. I think it's been a month... It's kinda sad. I'm actually heading to his city next week for some work, with quite a bit of free time for myself. Had we remained talking, we might be meeting for real next week. Anyway, sensing that this might make me act crazy pushy again, I decided to delete him off FB and took his number out of my phone. We are not talking anyway and I noticed a hoard of girls adding him on facebook these days. Online dating must be working wonders for him. He's seriously the domesticated type, sensible and sensitive, a great guy and I wish him well but I'd rather not get involved with him anymore. I missed my chance and I'm fine with that. I also sense my nonchalance towards BW is attributed by the re-emergence of an old love interest, CM. An ex colleague, I always felt we would be great together, CM treats me like a princess, we'd banter and I've had a mad crush on him for more than a year. Leaving my country, I left him behind because I just didn't think Long-Distance and a 16 year age gap is possible, it was IMPLIED he felt the same. We talk occasionally over the last 7 months, but always formal and short. Suddenly, after 3 months of no contact, he initiates contact out of the blue with the most random of topics to talk about. I think he might miss me and I know I miss him. With regards to the checklist pteromom talked about before, this man fits the bill completely! Smart, funny, takes care of me and my feelings, does things for me on his own accord, kind even when no one is watching, driven, ambitious, disciplined and he always notices the slightest shift in me (like, if he noticed I was anxious, he would entertain me until I'm at ease). I guess that's the difference between a boy and a man. XD For the most part, before I started online dating, I thought I was pretty much over him, though we left things at a very uncertain state, and when we talk now, I still feel old feelings re-emerging though we are no longer close. He still tries to help me with some of my more professional-related dilemmas. I may go back for a bit at the end of this year, but I'm unsure if I want to meet him then. I dont think I will be ready to date for a while until I can sort out my whirlwind of emotions... Edited July 18, 2012 by gskyo
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