If you push your partner emotionally, is it then OK for them to swear at you?

[Thinkalot]

Is it ever OK to swear at your partner? Is it ever OK for them to swear at you? What about if you've pushed them to a point of such frustration, they then start yelling? What if they also call you names?

 

What if they are so frustrated by you, and so fed up with your obsessing about things? Does that then give them the right to yell,and swear and name call? Is that to be expected?

 

Does it give them the right to put you down, or laugh at your "apparent self-diagnosed mental condition'? Is is then your fault? Is it entirely understandable, and something to be forgiven and forgotten? Is it, in fact your own fault for acting the way you do...even though you are doing your best, and it's obviously not good enough?

[supermom]

It is NOT okay to call you names. And for the "self diagnosed condition", well I have "self diagnosed" myself with OCD. The reason why I know I have it is because all of my siblings and parents, and my grandparents on my mom's side have it (diagnosed) and I have ALL THEY SYMPTOMS.

 

Thank God my husband is understanding. He keeps me grounded. I have scary obsessions:

 

1.) Always afraid of me dying or my child dying in a car accident.

2.) Constantly worry about what others think

3.) Always need to know if "I'm doing a good job" (at work)

4.) I obsess about most things. Like the "what ifs".

 

I hope you are not being bashed by your so.!

[Thinkalot]

supermom...I don't know if he has the stamina, patience, understanding, tolerance to handle me sometimes.

 

I am so much better than I was...but he says that after years of coping with this , he is so worn down, that I don't have to do much now (in terms of obsessing, or going on) to set him off.

 

So I do cop it sometimes.

[supermom]

are you on any medication? I tried my mom's Zoloft for awhile but it made me more depressed, I need to get the right dosage.

 

Well feel free to pm me if you want to chat about it

[Thinkalot]

Yep. And much better than I was. Problem is, we are in a tough spot. Am am not 100% there yet, and he has low tolerance now. He gets angry and frustrated more quickly. i can understand that. I just find it hard sometimes, because its not like I want to be annoying!

[lydiamarie]

if you are anything like me, then his yelling and frustrastion doesn't do anything but make your panic attack or obsessive behavior worse. have you tried telling him that he just upsets you more? think of things he can do instead-when i have a panic attack, then this is what i need from my SO:

 

calm and reassuring words, or no words at all

to be held

acceptance(or tolerance)-if i feel judged, i start panicing about that

 

talk to him about what he can do to help you, or just keep the situation from getting worse. maybe he could run you a bath and put on music so that you can relax and he can have some alone time to recover his senses and calm down.

 

one thing that really sets me off is being walked out on. ick. if it's so bad that he needs to leave the room, he needs to say he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me and that he just needs a little space so that he can be supportive when he gets back.

 

(and how is it self diagnosed if you are on medication??)

[johan]

I know how he feels. He wonders if there is any end in sight. His resentment for you is building, like mine does for my girlfriend. He can probably read your face and can tell exactly when you're thinking about that stuff. And he feels out of control, because he knows there is nothing he can do, but you expect him to do or say something to fix your worries. And he's very disappointed that he can't, because that's part of his job as your man. With you he can only ever fail at that. It's important for him to have some successes at this, you know?

 

Maybe he needs to redefine success for himself. Maybe success should be just getting through a barrage of questioning without any anger. Instead of solving your problem, maybe he should work on solving his own and just forget yours. He has no chance to solve yours and he probably shouldn't try. He should probably face up to the idea that yours won't be going away for a while, and he should probably just let you have it. And I imagine that once you are truly alone with your problem, you aren't going to be very happy. And you're going to push other buttons trying to get him to respond.

 

One thing that I try is to force my girlfriend to justify her questions, by asking questions of my own and demanding that she answer them. I force her to go down the rational path with me by asking her why what she's asking me matters. What does what is going on really hurt? What is the real problem? She is very good at dodging those questions, but I won't go on with her until she starts thinking with me. Sometimes I can get her to tell me what is really bothering her. Sometimes she just gets frustrated that I'm ignoring her approach. That usually causes her to pout and to store up the emotions until something real comes out.

 

I've given up trying to get her to feel better. If I start to get angry, then I tell her that, and I tell her I'm going to have to get away from her. I hate how it feels when I lose control that way. I need her to respect me.

 

Good luck.

[Thinkalot]

Johan. He does the things you've mentioned that you do. Sometimes though, the anger spills over. He's been stressed this week, with work and other factors, so that has played a part.

 

I don't hit him with a barrage anymore like I used to. But if I start asking questions about a subject which has come up before, then that will make him tense.

 

Like you, he'll says "does it matter?"...which forces me to say "well no, it doesn't".

 

He too, hates to get angry, and hates to end up hurting my feelings, by yelling.

 

I vent on here when something happens, because it helps ME calm down, and let go of the hurt, or my own dissapointment in myself.

 

I just had lunch with him for his birthday, and have a great surprise to give him tonight!

 

So onward, and upward we go....taking these difficult moments in our stride I guess.

 

I imagine, you, like him, sometimes wish that your partner was more easygoing. And yet, you love that same person so much, and they offer you so much, while also bringing many challenges.

 

I feel for your gf, and for you, in battling with this.

 

I can say it gets better. Relatively speaking, I and 'we' are much better than we were 6 months ago. These moments happen less often now. So they'll keep decreasing I believe.

 

I think what you said about him concentrating on handling his side of things, and his own reactions, and not worrying about me, is a smart idea.

[lydiamarie]

Originally posted by johan

And I imagine that once you are truly alone with your problem, you aren't going to be very happy. And you're going to push other buttons trying to get him to respond.

 

i don't think that i personally ever do this. it's not about him and getting a reaction, it's about an irrational panic attack.

 

One thing that I try is to force my girlfriend to justify her questions, by asking questions of my own and demanding that she answer them. I force her to go down the rational path with me by asking her why what she's asking me matters. What does what is going on really hurt? What is the real problem? She is very good at dodging those questions, but I won't go on with her until she starts thinking with me. Sometimes I can get her to tell me what is really bothering her. Sometimes she just gets frustrated that I'm ignoring her approach. That usually causes her to pout and to store up the emotions until something real comes out.

 

i think this is an excellent idea. my exboyfriend does this too. it really helps. often i don't realize what i am upset about until forced to think about it. but he was always quite gentle-any sense of anger or resentment and i shut down (during an attack, not during day-to-day life).

 

If I start to get angry, then I tell her that, and I tell her I'm going to have to get away from her. I hate how it feels when I lose control that way. I need her to respect me.

 

props to you. it's nice to hear the other side of the story.

[Good2Go]

I think the answer would depend on the personalities involved and what you accept as a norm. Some relationships never go to a place of swearing....some do. It just all depends on the two people involved. I've known girls who are comfortable with saying and hearing a F-U...and a couple who wouldn't be.

 

It depends on the tone you have set. AND.....judge the words on the tone set.....not some social acceptance later in the game. Resetting the rules later is not productive. You'll just hear everyone else call him an a**h***....when maybe...those were the same words you shared early on.

 

A man should never be disrepsective.....but if those words were always a part of the conversation....then he's only saying the same words....he isn't pulling some new mean words out of his ass.

[Thinkalot]

The hard bit is expecting him to be patient and gentle with me, after so long. There comes a time, where it's like he resents having to be that way for...for having to cope with this problem.

 

Before I started to get help, 6 months ago, my Obsessing was pretty full on. He nearly left in December. Then he couldn't walk away from me, because of the strong love.

 

It's much better now, but I can sympathise with him wanting it to be gone completely!

 

Some people are better at letting things wash over them, without getting angry and upset...he tends to react, and is quite fiesty and determined, like me.

 

I appreciate everyone's insights here very much.

 

in fact, this site has helped me enormously this past 6 months or so.

 

He gave me such a big hug at lunch, and said he was sorry if he hurt my feelings this morning. That he loves me so, but sometimes his frustration bubbles over. I of course, am sorry I ever go on, or repeat myself or whatever.

 

I'm not sure I'll look for other buttons to push either, though. It's not like I'm actually trying to push buttons at all. In fact, I really don't want to tcause any tension!

[lydiamarie]

I'm not sure I'll look for other buttons to push either, though. It's not like I'm actually trying to push buttons at all. In fact, I really don't want to cause any tension!

 

right: and since you are causing tension, you feel guilty about it and start obsessing over that, which creates more tension...it's a vicious cycle.

[Thinkalot]

You obviously know exactly how it feels.

[Good2Go]

I don't thing you obsessing is a reason for him to treat you poorly or you to treat him poorly. Personally, I think you are using it as an excuse to drive him to the edge and then use it as an excuse to make him feel guilty for it.

 

I'm sure you are a nice lady and all, but you need to quit finding excuses for the problems in the relationship as something you can't control. If you can't control your emotions....then how is this man expected to want you as the person he can trust to spend his life with? Don't make excuses.....make it right.

[moimeme]

Good2Go

 

Clearly, you understand nothing about OCD. The very nature of it is that people can't control their actions, which is why it causes them such suffering.

 

Go do some reading. Science now knows that much of people's unpleasant behaviour is due to disorders. There's plenty of information out there, if you're interested in catching up to current information.

[johan]

Okay, maybe the "other buttons" thing was a reach. Sometimes it feels that way with my girlfriend. If she can't get me to take on her problems with her, sometimes she threatens revenge. It's always "we'll see how YOU like it if I do it." The thing that freaks me out about that is that she really over-reacts to things and accuses me of wanting to subvert our relationship by breaking the trust. Just because she can't trust me, she thinks it's only fair that I see how it feels. THAT is the one thing that used to start me swearing. Now I just say, OK, go ahead. Sometimes she's impossible.

 

It's like being a hockey goalie. I have to respond just right to stop all her shots. She might have more anger stored up than you guys do.

[swtbonita]

I don't think there is a simple answer and you can't just make it right...

 

I think it has to do with each of your personalities.. I think you both have to realize how to calm down.. Realize its not worth it.. when you know there will be a fight... just pause and say lets take a breather.. just for about 10 minutes and then we can come back and discuss the issue.. Then when you come back to talk to each other.. Just Listen.. don;t say anything.. don't cut off the person.. just listen until they stop and you know.. they usually realize they were fighting for no reason at all.. and if you want to give your opinion then give your opinion when they are finished talking..

 

i find people that don't communicate well.. has to do alot with not listening.. So next time listen and don't yell back because it just makes things worse..

[Thinkalot]

Thanks.

 

Johan...I can imagine that must be hard. I actually don't do those other things you mentioned. Maybe I did right at the start, I'm not sure, but I certainly don't do that now. I try to do what's best. Sometimes my questioning runs away with itself, or my insecurities and obsessing. That's my main problem.

 

It's also good hearing your perspective. It helps me understand what it's like a bit more for my fiance.

 

Good2Go...Frankly, I do NOT play the sort of games you are suggesting. I do not even try to make him feel guilty. If anyone feels guilty, it's usually me.

[lydiamarie]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

You obviously know exactly how it feels.

 

it's easy to empathize when you're alphabet soup! (thank god for drugs-i don't know where i'd be without them )

[meanon]

For me the answer to your questions are No, It's not OK. It's understandable that he has difficulty coping sometimes but it's still not OK. Apart from that, what does it achieve? It's a temporary release of frustration but it exacerbates the problem. I know you are having some counselling together, is it the same person who has experience of treating OCD? It's very common to have a session with partners to talk about how they are coping but also to explain approaches that help rather than hinder.

 

Try and avoid the blame game, you are doing your best, you have an illness. He can only take so much and then he snaps. Whilst it's not helpful to assign blame, there's no doubt that you can both learn more in terms of controlling your reactions. To do so you need to take full responsibility for them.

 

I think Johan's Time Out idea is a really good one or some signal that gets you to back off and stop the questioning or deal with the issue in a different way. It may be helpful for you to agree a number of different things he will do to signal to you that the questioning is becoming obsessive.

 

Thinkalot, I don't think it's any coincidence that these minor set backs are happening now. Whilst it's a very happy time, getting married can also be stressful. There's all the expectations of perfection to live up to, all major life changes are stressful and then there's the extra work and financial pressures too. Allow for this when you plan what you do. You came of the meds a few weeks ago, that may be having an effect too.

 

I bet by the time you read this you'll have sorted things out and be back to your usual happy self, Thinkalot. I hope so

[Thinkalot]

Thanks meanon.

 

Yep, you're right, things are sorted out now. Thanks for your suggestions!

 

We're both human, so sh*t happens.

 

We're going away this weekend though, and looking forward to it!