sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 H had an affair. She had his child. I knew her. I found out a few years later when she filed for CS. That was a year ago. Boy has a lot change since that bomb was dropped in my life. I went through a huge roller coaster of emotions that ended with me recently throwing H out. Still up in the air about divorce. For now I am just taking stock and enjoying all the none drama in my life. Here is my issue. OW says OC has a "right" to know my kids. H pays CS but has no intentions of ever having anything to do with the kid. I feel bad for the kid. But I can't make him love the OC or want to be in the OCs life. So OW wants me to allow OC to interact with my kids. We live states away so it would be limited. Part of me feels really bad for this child. It does not deserve this situation. But then part of me doesnt want to open my life or my kids life to the drama and craziness. OW is not exactly the most mature person or has the best judgement (Not to mention I hate her guts). I don't want to hurt her kid or mine Not knowing my children would be a rejection on top of H's rejection. That would be bad. But then if the child is around or has anything to do with my kids then that child will know that daddy is very involved with my kids and not with it. Which I think will also cause the child to feel horrible as the only child daddy will not be involved with. What to do? For the record I think OW is trying to get OC involved with my kids to put preasure on H to be involved with OC. I know her motivates are not good and she could care less if my childs get hurt in the process of her getting what she wants for her child. But I am trying to look beyond that and see what is in the best interest of all the kids involved. Right now I feel like the only one doing that. Anyone else dealing with a child from an affair? How did you handle it and how did it work out?
Owl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Tell her to contact her lawyer to discuss what "rights" her child has when it comes to your family...he can in turn contact your lawyer if there are indeed rights that aren't being met. Of course...there are no "rights" involved here...and she knows this. She's just trying to guilt her way into his/your lives for her own purposes. 1
TigerCub Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Hi Sunflower, I'm sorry for what you went through and are still going through. I applaud you for looking past all the adult drama and your own pain and having compassion for the innocent child. Why is your husband so adamant about shunning his child? He is paying child support - and its good, he should, but why hate a child he created. Yes the scenario is all wrong, but its not the child's fault, what's his excuse when you've talked to him? Is he worried that by being in the OC's life, obviously the OW will be in his as well and it would be a constant reminder to you and push you further away? I'm not saying this in any way to blame you, truly, I'm not, I'm just wondering what he's told you.
2sure Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Unless Your H is going to be involved in OC's life while he/she is very young , I do not understand how meeting the children he IS involved with would benefit this child. If your H were involved, then it would be fair to introduce the children but as a slow process. Not all explanations are immediately appropriate. And if your H eventually decides to be involved, and you would be right in encouraging him...neither you or your children have to take that leap with him right away. There are plenty of young adult and adult children who connect later in life with siblings and half siblings of divorce, remarriage, adoptions, etc. Sometimes thats what works. Now, I know people here will tell you: Its all about the child, bring him into your life as your own. I dont think you have to. I dont think it is automatically the best thing to do. I DO think that what is best for the children is whats most important. 2
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Oh I know she doesn't have any rights to my kids. Her child does not have any legal rights to my children. OW is not sorry at all for her part in what she did to me and my kids. She has told me she isn't. But she wants us all to do what she feels is right for her kid no matter what it does the rest of us. For that reason alone I am thinking about NOT letting my kids have anything to do with OC. As for why H wants nothing to do with OC. Well because of OW. None of it is the OC's fault. It is up in the air about if she got pg on purpose. She claims not...mutual friends say she did because she was "sick of waiting for him to leave" and be with her. who knows what which is true. But once she was pg she sure as heck tried hard to use it to "land the man". She stalked him, begged, pleaded, harrassed him. I hear it got pretty crazy. The only thing she did not do was tell me. She definately did not want me to find out. And went to great lengths to make sure I didn't. Also he is mad. OW as was suppost to just be a no strings attached good time. He told her that. She agreed to that. He never wanted a relationship with her. He never wanted a child with her. He is mad at her, he is mad at himself. To him the kid is a walking talking reminder of what he calls the "biggest mistake of his life".
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Unless Your H is going to be involved in OC's life while he/she is very young , I do not understand how meeting the children he IS involved with would benefit this child. If your H were involved, then it would be fair to introduce the children but as a slow process. Not all explanations are immediately appropriate. And if your H eventually decides to be involved, and you would be right in encouraging him...neither you or your children have to take that leap with him right away. There are plenty of young adult and adult children who connect later in life with siblings and half siblings of divorce, remarriage, adoptions, etc. Sometimes thats what works. Now, I know people here will tell you: Its all about the child, bring him into your life as your own. I dont think you have to. I dont think it is automatically the best thing to do. I DO think that what is best for the children is whats most important. Right now we are separated. He has told her he does not want anything to do with her or the OC. I can't control that. If he did want visitation with the OC and had our kids over at the same time there is nothing I could do about it. But because he won't she is contacting me using the whole my kid has rights thing to try and force the OC into his life. After all...how would he explain to our kids about doing things with them but not including his other child that they know. Personally I think it is setting up OC for major emotional issues. Not to mention straining my kids relationship with their father. Plus I think she would the opportunity to cause all kinds of drama in my life and my kids lives to try and get back at H. As for him changing his mind later....the OC is 5 now. If he hasn't changed his mind about the OC in 5 years...I don't think he will.
2sure Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 To him the kid is a walking talking reminder of what he calls the "biggest mistake of his life". Oh god - thats the saddest thing. That has to be changed. Be involved or dont but this way of thinking ...the act must be seperated from the child. For all of you.
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 . He has told her he does not want anything to do with her or the OC. it would be different if he were with her and divorcing you, obviously all the kids would get to know one another as half siblings.. But, that isn't the case, he doesn't to be in his childs life or his exOW's life. Talk to a lawyer asap. She has NO rights here when it comes to YOUR children. None!!!!!
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 It took me a while but I do separate the child from the affair.I have spend more time than I care to admit worrying about the OC. Feeling bad for the OCs situation and not wanting to cause any further pain in its life. I would like to find a balance that works for all the kids. But I am worried about opening that door due to the mentality of OW. I want to just scream at OW and H to grow up and put the kids first. I really feel like the only adult in this situation. I don't think H can seperate the OC from the A or OW. It is all one big package deal in his mind. I also think because of her crazy bunny boiler behavior toward him, he feels it is not worth putting up with her to have a relationship with OC. 1
PhoenixRise Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 sunflower5 I applaud your mature attitude regarding the OC and think it is great that you don't want to cause the child any emotional pain and actually want what is best for the child. However, I see no problem with making your own children's wellbeing your priority. If there is no benefit and possible emotional harm to your own children as a result of interacting with the OC then do whatever you have to to make sure it doesn't happen. The OC doesn't have the right to a relationship with your children. One day, they will have to know about each other but you are under no obligation to facilitate a relationship between them. The OW is going after what she thinks is best for her child. She doesn't care about the impact to your children. You have to be just a single minded about what you think is best for your children. I have half siblings that I barely know because my mother made the decisions to protect me from the drama that came with the OW (and she was/is crazy and dramatic). SHE wanted her children and me to have a relationship. She saw her children's relationship with me as a ticket to acceptance for her children by my extended family. And she was crazy obsessive in her efforts to make that happen. If you think that interacting with the OC would benefit your children's lives in the long term then fine. But if you think it will bring them drama or pain then don't be guilted into doing something not in your children's interest. 5
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It took me a while but I do separate the child from the affair.I have spend more time than I care to admit worrying about the OC. Feeling bad for the OCs situation and not wanting to cause any further pain in its life. I would like to find a balance that works for all the kids. But I am worried about opening that door due to the mentality of OW. I want to just scream at OW and H to grow up and put the kids first. I really feel like the only adult in this situation. I don't think H can seperate the OC from the A or OW. It is all one big package deal in his mind. I also think because of her crazy bunny boiler behavior toward him, he feels it is not worth putting up with her to have a relationship with OC. The child is the innocent one and didn't ask to be born into this mess. A child is a child and still needs to be loved, cared for and adored by everybody. Whatever the circumstances are or how he/she came into this world now doesn't matter. The kid HAS to be put first. I think for now your H needs to do what he feels is right. If the exOW is a bunny boiler then it's best for him to be distant until she can prove herself capable of being objective (one day maybe?) and open minded for all to meet and be a part of half siblings life.. until then, stay away.
nofool4u Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Tell her to contact her lawyer to discuss what "rights" her child has when it comes to your family The lawyer will tell her that OC has no "right" to anyone, or anything but CS and possibly secondary education expenses. Its a sad deal. MM is a piece of crap for not wanting anything to do with the child. I couldn't do it. If I knew a child was out there somewhere that is mine, I'd go nuts if I wasn't able to have anything to do with him/her.
LuckyLady13 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Wow. This is such a sad situation for everyone involved here. I put myself in the OC's shoes and realized I would want to know exactly who my father is and what he did - meaning: He had a wife and children and had an affair with my mother. That would tell me a lot about my mother too but in a few short years I'd get the idea that there isn't going to be a happy home for me with two parents unless my mother finds someone else. It's so unfair to the OC and it's just unbelievable that two grown people would do this to an innocent child. It's going to be so hard for this child to grow up and meet half siblings knowing you're the product of an affair. I can't imagine how hard that would be to cope with. I hope you can explain this to your kids when they're older so they treat the OC with a lot of respect and have a welcoming attitude toward the person who got the shotty end of the stick. The kids have a right to know each other because they share blood. But this is something that would concern them when they're all older, not so much when they're young. But Sunflower, the only person your husband has to be mad at is himself and no one else! If he kept it in his pants, there wouldn't be an OC at all. There's no such thing as trapping a man and apparently he doesn't know how to use condoms either? Please make sure he keeps the blame where it belongs here. And away from the OC. What's done is done. Now he has to deal with the whole situation like a man. If I were one of your kids, I would not want to be dragged into the drama situation my father created. I'd rather see my mom move on to a better man who knows how to treat me and also my mother. Someone who actually cares about our mental and emotional well-being and knows how to put us first. I really wish you luck with your future. I know it has to be so hard to deal with this. I hope you're seeing a good therapist.
pteromom Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think all the adults in this situation need to step up and take care of this innocent child who was created in this mess. This means the OC absolutely has a right to know his father. Your husband needs to man up and take responsibility here - ESPECIALLY if the OW is batsh*t crazy. That's even more reason the child needs someone stable in his life. He needs to get to know the child and have a relationship with the child. Maybe even file for partial custody. I also believe the OC has a right to know his siblings. They are part of his family. And I believe YOU should put aside your feelings for the OW, and step up as a step-mother for this child. I have a half-brother who we recently connected with. He was a product of my dad's affair. He was in between our ages, and could have been part of our family, and I resent my parents hiding his existence from us until we were all adults. We will never have the close relationship I have with my other siblings, and that is the fault of all the parents involved!
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I have a good therapist. She was the one who helped me see past the A and see the child. To be honest when I first found out I couldnt see anything but the pain and betrayal. I never saw it coming. OW seems to think we can be friends again. That can't happen. I maybe able to tolerate her for the sake of the OC if it becomes apart of my childrens lives...but I wont ever be her friend again. I do feel really bad for OC. I do feel that I do have a limited responsiblity to this child. No it is not mine. Legally I owe OC nothing. But since I am an adult in the middle of this mess I do think I have an obligation to OC to take it into consideration when making decisions that could impact the child. I dont know what the future of my M is and to be honest I am not in a rush to make that decision. The past year has been hell. Too much OW drama. Too much H drama. Too much trying to figure it all out and dealing with pain. I have kinda hit the pause button. Giving myself time to take a deep breath, center myself, take care of my kids, take a realistic look at the situation and looking at all my options before making decisions.
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I think all the adults in this situation need to step up and take care of this innocent child who was created in this mess. This means the OC absolutely has a right to know his father. Your husband needs to man up and take responsibility here - ESPECIALLY if the OW is batsh*t crazy. That's even more reason the child needs someone stable in his life. He needs to get to know the child and have a relationship with the child. Maybe even file for partial custody. I also believe the OC has a right to know his siblings. They are part of his family. And I believe YOU should put aside your feelings for the OW, and step up as a step-mother for this child. I have a half-brother who we recently connected with. He was a product of my dad's affair. He was in between our ages, and could have been part of our family, and I resent my parents hiding his existence from us until we were all adults. We will never have the close relationship I have with my other siblings, and that is the fault of all the parents involved! I can put my feelings aside. What I can't do is let her hurt my kids. I told my H at one point that maybe we should go after custody of OC. We could offer him a good stable home. He shot me down big time. He honestly wants nothing to do with the kid. I cant make him.
pteromom Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 He honestly wants nothing to do with the kid. I cant make him. I understand that you can't control what your husband does. I think it is VERY VERY sad though. He's still the child's father.
pteromom Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 What I can't do is let her hurt my kids. That power is only hers if you give it to her. What is her idea for having the children get to know each other? You just have to make sure it happens in a way that is fair to your children. This is something the three adults involved need to work out, with strict boundaries and rules in place.
nofool4u Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I think all the adults in this situation need to step up and take care of this innocent child who was created in this mess. This means the OC absolutely has a right to know his father. Father yes, his wife's kids? No. The MM and OW need to take care of this innocent child, but you can't force the MM to do so other than financially. But the BS has no responsibility here. The BS doesn't have to accept it. However, a relationship between the child and the father is preferred, and if that means visitation, then the BS can decide to end the marriage if they really can't deal with a child brought about by an affair around. I also believe the OC has a right to know his siblings. They are part of his family. There is no "right" per say, but will grant that it would be natural for the OC to want to know his family. And I believe YOU should put aside your feelings for the OW, and step up as a step-mother for this child. Thats a tough call. I don't think she is obligated to do anything with this situation. I wouldn't blame her for ending the marriage if she doesn't want an affair child around. That way the OC can get to know his/her siblings during the father's scheduled weekend visitation. But then again, OP just might feel compelled to be a positive role model in this child's life since the OW and WS probably aren't fit to be anyone's role model. I have a half-brother who we recently connected with. He was a product of my dad's affair. He was in between our ages, and could have been part of our family, and I resent my parents hiding his existence from us until we were all adults. Resent your father all you want for that, but its not fair to resent your mother for this. She didn't want this, ask for it, and you have to give her credit for not leaving you a product of a broken home(even though I always say staying for the kids is the wrong reason). If she stayed because she still wanted the marriage, you can't blame her for wanting to bury this. You'd have to understand how painful it is for her and this is not her fault, but your father's. We will never have the close relationship I have with my other siblings, and that is the fault of all the parents involved! No, its the fault of your father and the OW. But don't get me wrong, this is in no way an attempt by me to impugn how you feel about your own situation. Edited June 12, 2012 by nofool4u 3
HHC Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 That power is only hers if you give it to her. What is her idea for having the children get to know each other? You just have to make sure it happens in a way that is fair to your children. This is something the three adults involved need to work out, with strict boundaries and rules in place. Have you ever dealt with a ex spouse/ex OW who is hell bent on revenge and uses a child as a pawn? This isn't a power struggle, this is an issue of her using the OC to mind F the wife's kids, H and wife. When the three adults aren't acting like adults there is no way it can happen calmly or rationally and she's right to protect her kids from this.
Author sunflower5 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I can honestly say I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy. It beyond sucks. I feel it is a no win situation sometimes. I have NO legal rights to OC. Nor do my children. Oc does not have any legal rights to me or my children. My H is the only one with any legal rights to this child. Which means if we divorce I would be going onto a ledge of sorts with OW with contact between the kids. I would have no legal recourse if she decided down the line to cut off contact or starting causing too much drama. Which would hurt all the kids if they have gotten to know each other. Only H would have the legal right to hold her to a visitation agreement. Which he wont do. My worst fear is looking this child in the eyes in 13 years knowing one half of it's family turned their back on it ( H's whole side of the familly wont have anything to do with OC). Or explaining to my kids why everyone turned my back on their half sibling. I won't take responsibility for OC's situation. I did not cause it. OW and H cause all this to happen. They also have not acted in this child's best interest since. But I guess I just feel guilty turning my back on a kid I know is going to have a rough life. OW is very self centered, self serving and manipulative. It's all about her and if it isn't than it shoud be.She will put herself first in her life. Add to that 1/2 your bio family rejecting you....well I don't see this kid having a happy childhood. I do think OW's family is involved and loving with OC though. So that is good. That is in stark contrast to my kids life. Extended family on both sides really involved. Both parents very involved with their lives. Lots of love. Lots of time spent with them. I know even if we divorce that wont change. He will still go to their actitivities, play with them and be there for them. My biggest hope for OC right now is OW meets a WONDERFUL man that will marry her and be a great step dad. But I dont know if that will make up for everything else. 2
Spark1111 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I can honestly say I would not wish this situation on my worst enemy. It beyond sucks. I feel it is a no win situation sometimes. I have NO legal rights to OC. Nor do my children. Oc does not have any legal rights to me or my children. My H is the only one with any legal rights to this child. Which means if we divorce I would be going onto a ledge of sorts with OW with contact between the kids. I would have no legal recourse if she decided down the line to cut off contact or starting causing too much drama. Which would hurt all the kids if they have gotten to know each other. Only H would have the legal right to hold her to a visitation agreement. Which he wont do. My worst fear is looking this child in the eyes in 13 years knowing one half of it's family turned their back on it ( H's whole side of the familly wont have anything to do with OC). Or explaining to my kids why everyone turned my back on their half sibling. I won't take responsibility for OC's situation. I did not cause it. OW and H cause all this to happen. They also have not acted in this child's best interest since. But I guess I just feel guilty turning my back on a kid I know is going to have a rough life. OW is very self centered, self serving and manipulative. It's all about her and if it isn't than it shoud be.She will put herself first in her life. Add to that 1/2 your bio family rejecting you....well I don't see this kid having a happy childhood. I do think OW's family is involved and loving with OC though. So that is good. That is in stark contrast to my kids life. Extended family on both sides really involved. Both parents very involved with their lives. Lots of love. Lots of time spent with them. I know even if we divorce that wont change. He will still go to their actitivities, play with them and be there for them. My biggest hope for OC right now is OW meets a WONDERFUL man that will marry her and be a great step dad. But I dont know if that will make up for everything else. You sound like a wonderful and compassionate woman who is trying to take a higher road than I could have after my H's affair. A child by his OW would probably have been the straw that broke this camel's back. That being said, this child is the responsibility of both his parents. You and your kindness and your children cannot change that, nor save him from, unfortunately, a typical scenario of an absentee father who only wishes to provide financial support, and a selfish, self-absorbed mother. At 18 years old, everyone can do as they please, similiar to adopted children who seek out their biological parents. I have heard of many instances where the biological mother could not or would not re-establish contact, but the half-brothers and sisters did in adulthood and it did form a strong and caring bond. Right now, I think you have to respect the wishes of your H, even if you disagree with them, and raise your own family the best you can. The future, for better or worse, will take care of itself. No one was thinking of you and your children when they had this oops! baby. Whatever the motivations were to keep and raise this child rested solely upon the mother's choices. Is it fair to this child? No, it's not. But it wasn't fair to you and your children to feel a lifelong, guilty responsibility to make the child's life better and more pleasant NOW. I admire and understand your feelings of anguish and uncertainty. But this is not your boat to row NOW. Never was. 1
Author sunflower5 Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) Trust me I was not this clear headed when I found out. It took a long while to calm down enough to think about how to handle this long term. I came real close to a complete nervous break down at one point. While in my rage cloud I did some things that were not so nice. I outed them to EVERYONE. Her family and his family. Which in hind sight felt good but probly did not help the OC much. OW had not told her family that the OCs father was a MM or that he had kids. Or that she had know his wife and kids. Well lets just say I contact most of her very large and extented family and filled them in on the whole sad story. I take it things did not go over well for OW because she sent H a text message about how she did not appreciate me doing that. His family was mad at him but are big cheer leaders for our marriage. They wont have anything to do with OW or OC. Which is sad for the OC because his family is usually pretty great. But I think most of it is loyalty to me. We have been married for 18 years and they love me. So they seem to see it as a pick sides kind of thing. I contacted old friends I had not talked to in years that knew her and me and pretty well let them have it for knowing about the A/OC and saying nothing to me about it. True it was not their place to get involved and honestly I don't blame them for not getting involved but I would really have like someone to tell me what was going on instead of finding out when the OC was 4 years old. As for this being the stick that broke the camels back. We will have to wait and see. We are seperated. Forgiving an affair is hard. Forgiving an A that results in a child....a whole other thing. Just because he is not in contact with the child does not mean this does not effect his family. I am reminded every time he gets paid and a big chunck of it is gone. Everytime my kids need something and I can't afford it. Why? Because he could not keep it in his pants. I don't begrudge the child a dime of it. OC deserves to be supported. But I do begrudge H every penny of it because it should have been to support our family. There are things I am sorry does not fix. I need time to really think about if I can live with him everyday with all these constant reminders of what he did to his family. Forgivenss is one thing...being able to cope on a daily basis with the reality of the situation is another. As I said...it took time, great support from friends and family...tons of therapy to get me to this point and I still have days I struggle. Edited June 13, 2012 by sunflower5
YellowShark Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Wow. Is your husband ever a scumball. First he drives a bus over you and now he refuses to have anything to do with an innocent child he helped bring into this world. What a f-ing bastard. Worse still, now you're burdened with the nasty baggage he created in the form of a delusional OW making outrageous demands. Man o'man your husband is a tool. 2
Damia Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Hi sun flower .this exact situation has happened to me and my family. This is my story if it helps:) Child conceived while we were engaged ,born 1 mth after we were married OW asked for CS down the track a bit .I found out 6 yrs after marriage. My now xH refused to even talk about it ,we did a bit of counseling basically I just had to get over it (we stayed married) xH paid CS but had nothing to do with child. It affected the school my children attended as I did not want them having problems at school and I did not feel they were old enough to understand the situation. It was explained to my oldest at around 9 ,she was fine with it Fast forward to now we have been separated almost divorced for nearly 2 years after xH had 2 affairs and a few 1NS (serial cheater!) My now teenage daughter decided on her own to get to know her half brother and they chat on face book occasionally Life is tricky
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