Eternal Sunshine Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. I can't really see it going anywhere because we don't have much in common and he has some interests that creep me out. He is attractive and smart though so I am giving it a shot. I feel like he is not that into me either. He goes days without contacting me at all. In fact, he only contacts me to schedule the next date, and once date and time and venue are confirmed that's it. He just comes across as very reserved and cold. I tried once to text him about my day and his response was brief. He is reliable in the sense that he never cancels and always confirms the morning of. He also sets up the next date exactly a day after the previous one. Like a clockwork. I can take it or leave it at this point. Mostly I feel like I have walls too high up to let anyone in - now or maybe ever. Dunno if I should waste my time here.
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well why not just get some physical needs met (not necessarily sex, if you're not into that), and then part ways? Seems kind of ideal for that, actually.
Mme. Chaucer Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well why not just get some physical needs met (not necessarily sex, if you're not into that), and then part ways? Seems kind of ideal for that, actually. If not sex, then … what? Maybe he can provide her with food?
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 If not sex, then … what? Maybe he can provide her with food? I was thinking more "make out" or maybe a nice shoulder massage.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. I can't really see it going anywhere because we don't have much in common and he has some interests that creep me out. He is attractive and smart though so I am giving it a shot. What is going on with some of these posts? Is it date random people that are completely uninteresting month? Someone want to bring me up to speed of why dating a creepy guy with no common interest for 4 dates is a worthwhile and satisfying experience? I think I'm dreaming...I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. People can't possibly be lowering their standards this far to connect with someone they aren't really genuinely connecting with but have a few desireable qualities...this can't be so. 4
LittlePrince Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. I can't really see it going anywhere because we don't have much in common and he has some interests that creep me out. He is attractive and smart though so I am giving it a shot. I feel like he is not that into me either. He goes days without contacting me at all. In fact, he only contacts me to schedule the next date, and once date and time and venue are confirmed that's it. He just comes across as very reserved and cold. I tried once to text him about my day and his response was brief. He is reliable in the sense that he never cancels and always confirms the morning of. He also sets up the next date exactly a day after the previous one. Like a clockwork. I can take it or leave it at this point. Mostly I feel like I have walls too high up to let anyone in - now or maybe ever. Dunno if I should waste my time here. You let it get to a 4th date but aren't interested. lolwat?
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 What is going on with some of these posts? Is it date random people that are completely uninteresting month? Someone want to bring me up to speed of why dating a creepy guy with no common interest for 4 dates is a worthwhile and satisfying experience? I think I'm dreaming...I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. People can't possibly be lowering their standards this far to connect with someone they aren't really genuinely connecting with but have a few desireable qualities...this can't be so. Why not? We're told if we're not getting dates, we should lower our standards. Maybe there just aren't interesting/interested men out there. Honestly, a date with an uninteresting guy can sometimes be better than being alone-again-in your apartment. I mean, you might get a back-rub or something out of the deal.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Why not? We're told if we're not getting dates, we should lower our standards. Maybe there just aren't interesting/interested men out there. Honestly, a date with an uninteresting guy can sometimes be better than being alone-again-in your apartment. I mean, you might get a back-rub or something out of the deal. So what's the hold up? why bother going on 4 dates with a guy if its just going to be physical? I hear women say (not that I believe everything they say) that If they're just looking for sex/physical they'll sleep with him sooner, if they're looking for a relationship they'll make him wait or won't sleep with him right away. So obviously this guy doesn't seem to hit that long-term mark, he's just attractive basically and smart I guess (which does what btw?) You might as well take him by the hand and into your bedroom, this guy probably is thinking the same thing (maybe I'll get some sex out of it) so you might as well get on with the fling and enjoy the physicallity of it or ask him for a "massage" because we all know a good massage doesn't lead to anything else
d'Arthez Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think it might be your way of combating loneliness? I am not sure what you are getting out of this. That is what I'd be asking myself. What are you looking for? This whole scenario makes me think of Lost in Translation, and I am not a movie buff by any stretch of the imagination.
somedude81 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. I can't really see it going anywhere because we don't have much in common and he has some interests that creep me out. He is attractive and smart though so I am giving it a shot. You're really just giving it a shot just because he is attractive and smart? And that fact that you have nothing in common and that his interests creep you out doesn't matter at all?
dasein Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 This is the type of guy you should be cultivating interest in, but because all the too early contact and faux intimacy is absent, you are puzzled. His attitude is totally healthy, why should he be burning down the house after a few dates? People with full, rich lives take the dating process slower and build the foundation on real things as opposed to fake in the moment stuff and hopping right into relationships. This gives you both time to reflect before taking next steps. My hunch in the thread subtext is that you are actually becoming more and more attracted due to his individuality, yet the lack of control is causing you insecurity, hence the thread. IMO, the guy is starting to get under your skin. What are these interests that creep you out? What are the major things you don't have in common? Having "things in common" is a weak index of potential IME, being different yet complementary is much more promising. 1
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think I'm dreaming...I'm going to wake up and this is all going to be a dream. People can't possibly be lowering their standards this far to connect with someone they aren't really genuinely connecting with but have a few desireable qualities...this can't be so. ... but didn't you point out in the other thread today that this is precisely what men do until someone better comes along?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 ... but didn't you point out in the other thread today that this is precisely what men do until someone better comes along? I never said women and men are alike...yes you can wave the feminity/equality flag all you want but here's the reality the vast majority of the time... Guy sleeps with girl: "Welp...that was fun, she sure was wild...great ass, you know, she's not all that bad, it's too bad she isn't like this or that, nothing too serious, no waves yet and i'm limited on my emotional investment here ::stretches:: so when she starts drilling me w questions like (what are we?) it'll be time to move onto the next conquest...wonder who my favorite team is playing this weekend" Girl sleeps with guy: "I think....I'm really starting to like this guy...i think at first he was an uninteresting douche with no chemistry, but now...now I see so much more, this man could be my husband! the father of my babies! wait don't think that far ahead this could just be sex...sure nobody is perfect, but what relationship is? but in my twisted mind, all of a sudden he might be perfect for me, oh I have to tell all my friends! maybe something will develop from this" Plus don't women typically claim or at least shy away from exclusively sexual encounters, aren't most to mature and looking for more than that according to the female council? You're going to have to get your story straight, I think men and women are entirely different by nature, and I think I make that apparant through my advice on these forums. Even when they commit the same acts on the surface, underneath its usually for completely different reasons/needs. Most women have a limited capacity in anonymous sex and they have to keep it at a completely superficial level, eventually they will get caught up in emotions, regardless of the man and whether he's worth a crap. This however can happen to men too, but less often and for different reasons.
carhill Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 His expressed style runs counter to your style of requiring high interest from a man. Personally, I wouldn't invest the time. Time is one of the most valuable commodities in life, IMO. However, if you are reassessing your style for change, this interaction might be a canary. Since, from past reads, it appears it is next to impossible for you to process change and growth completely alone, maybe this is a compromise between the two extremes of solitude and a complete intimate relationship.
utterer of lies Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Someone want to bring me up to speed of why dating a creepy guy with no common interest for 4 dates is a worthwhile and satisfying experience? People can't possibly be lowering their standards this far to connect with someone they aren't really genuinely connecting with but have a few desireable qualities...this can't be so. She obviously has major self esteem issues and craves attention. 1
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I never said women and men are alike...yes you can wave the feminity/equality flag all you want but here's the reality the vast majority of the time... Guy sleeps with girl: "Welp...that was fun, she sure was wild...great ass, you know, she's not all that bad, it's too bad she isn't like this or that, nothing too serious, no waves yet and i'm limited on my emotional investment here ::stretches:: so when she starts drilling me w questions like (what are we?) it'll be time to move onto the next conquest...wonder who my favorite team is playing this weekend" Girl sleeps with guy: "I think....I'm really starting to like this guy...i think at first he was an uninteresting douche with no chemistry, but now...now I see so much more, this man could be my husband! the father of my babies! wait don't think that far ahead this could just be sex...sure nobody is perfect, but what relationship is? but in my twisted mind, all of a sudden he might be perfect for me, oh I have to tell all my friends! maybe something will develop from this" Plus don't women typically claim or at least shy away from exclusively sexual encounters, aren't most to mature and looking for more than that according to the female council? You're going to have to get your story straight, I think men and women are entirely different by nature, and I think I make that apparant through my advice on these forums. Even when they commit the same acts on the surface, underneath its usually for completely different reasons/needs. Most women have a limited capacity in anonymous sex and they have to keep it at a completely superficial level, eventually they will get caught up in emotions, regardless of the man and whether he's worth a crap. This however can happen to men too, but less often and for different reasons. It would seem you are getting attacked today by the pissed off panty brigade, take it with a grain of salt. Your advice is always insightful and honest. The truth doesn't always have to hurt, one can learn a lot if they keep an open mind.
2sunny Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 There's nothing wrong with getting to know him - and him getting to know you - to see if the invested time and energy is worthy considering more time together. If you're not into him - end it. If you're still having fun with him - then continue to enjoy his company.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I never said women and men are alike...yes you can wave the feminity/equality flag all you want but here's the reality the vast majority of the time... Guy sleeps with girl: "Welp...that was fun, she sure was wild...great ass, you know, she's not all that bad, it's too bad she isn't like this or that, nothing too serious, no waves yet and i'm limited on my emotional investment here ::stretches:: so when she starts drilling me w questions like (what are we?) it'll be time to move onto the next conquest...wonder who my favorite team is playing this weekend" Girl sleeps with guy: "I think....I'm really starting to like this guy...i think at first he was an uninteresting douche with no chemistry, but now...now I see so much more, this man could be my husband! the father of my babies! wait don't think that far ahead this could just be sex...sure nobody is perfect, but what relationship is? but in my twisted mind, all of a sudden he might be perfect for me, oh I have to tell all my friends! maybe something will develop from this" Plus don't women typically claim or at least shy away from exclusively sexual encounters, aren't most to mature and looking for more than that according to the female council? You're going to have to get your story straight, I think men and women are entirely different by nature, and I think I make that apparant through my advice on these forums. Even when they commit the same acts on the surface, underneath its usually for completely different reasons/needs. Most women have a limited capacity in anonymous sex and they have to keep it at a completely superficial level, eventually they will get caught up in emotions, regardless of the man and whether he's worth a crap. This however can happen to men too, but less often and for different reasons. I think you would do well if you didn't fall for gender stereotypes so easily.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It would seem you are getting attacked today by the pissed off panty brigade, take it with a grain of salt. Your advice is always insightful and honest. The truth doesn't always have to hurt, one can learn a lot if they keep an open mind. Actually you are wrong, it's not what I have an issue with. Ninja has some good points usually yes but his stereotyping is way too narrow minded sometimes, it gets in the way
sid3 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Actually you are wrong, it's not what I have an issue with. Ninja has some good points usually yes but his stereotyping is way too narrow minded sometimes, it gets in the way Abit presumptuous to think I was referring to you. So you in fact were wrong:o. There have been some jaded posters as of late that equate dating as being a bloodsport. You aren't one of them IMO:)
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think you would do well if you didn't fall for gender stereotypes so easily. The stereotypes or generalizations as I refer to them as, are made to make a point, not always the obvious or direct point themselves. It's not merely so simple and direct as you may presume to believe. However the world is not as dynamic and unpredictable as some like to believe and pretend that generalizations are impossible to be made, especially when most of the the time they turn out to be true...but in an "open-minded" perspective, in that world everything has an equal variable when in practical terms or real life the results are far more predictable than you'd ever admit them to be. You fail to concentrate on the situation and rather insist on the ideal that there are many options, possibilites and outcomes to a situation, when the evidence is present to be predicted but often overlooked for the sake of a belief in random possibilities. You insist on believing in things when there is no merit, when I insist on considering what's in front of you and is provided. Frankly, If you cannot see that Eternal Sunshine is interested in more than just a sexual relationship than you are blind Emilia.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. I can't really see it going anywhere because we don't have much in common and he has some interests that creep me out. He is attractive and smart though so I am giving it a shot. I feel like he is not that into me either. He goes days without contacting me at all. In fact, he only contacts me to schedule the next date, and once date and time and venue are confirmed that's it. He just comes across as very reserved and cold. I tried once to text him about my day and his response was brief. He is reliable in the sense that he never cancels and always confirms the morning of. He also sets up the next date exactly a day after the previous one. Like a clockwork. I can take it or leave it at this point. Mostly I feel like I have walls too high up to let anyone in - now or maybe ever. Dunno if I should waste my time here. Aside from being completely selfish (concerned about wasting your time but couldn't care less about wasting his), you display a startling lack of understanding of the male psyche/behaviour, as this post clearly demonstrates.
verhrzn Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Aside from being completely selfish (concerned about wasting your time but couldn't care less about wasting his), you display a startling lack of understanding of the male psyche/behaviour, as this post clearly demonstrates. What exactly is she missing about the male psyche?? The guy isn't pursuing her that much, he is displaying low interest. Why is it a bad thing for her to recognize it... aren't guys always complaining on this forum about how women waste their time with players/bad boys? I think ES is doing a good thing of assessing that the guy isn't interested, and just seeing what she can get out of it in the mean time (back rubs.) Seems that they are in mutual agreeance about each other. Seems ideal, honestly.
Feelsgoodman Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 What exactly is she missing about the male psyche?? The guy isn't pursuing her that much, he is displaying low interest. Why is it a bad thing for her to recognize it... aren't guys always complaining on this forum about how women waste their time with players/bad boys? Just because a guy doesn't text/call every hour doesn't mean he has low interest, especially considering they've only been on a couple of dates and there has been no intimacy. In fact, his level of interest and frequency of contact seems to be pretty normal for that particular stage of the dating process. Men tend to be more utilitarian when it comes to communication. Most of us don't like wasting time on pointless calling and text messaging.
2sure Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am up to a 4th date with the guy I met online. No sex yet. ...I can take it or leave it at this point. Mostly I feel like I have walls ...too high up to let anyone in - now or maybe ever. Dunno if I should waste my time here. Very much the same happening in my life. Ive been dating for about a year (since D). And it isnt as though Im out of practice because I wasnt married that long. But its different now. Whereas I used to know pretty much right away who I connected with or at least who had real potential...I dont right now. Im 45ish, pretty comfortable, usually happy, and confident in every area of my life except this one. Pretty much. Because of my last relationship, which failed & broke my heart in painful & dramatic way...to tell you the truth - I no longer trust my own judgement of the opposite sex. I almost feel like I have been so off the mark..that I should date men that I dont have that immediate connection with. As ridiculous as it sounds, especially at my age...I think some of the men Ive dated are using the same formula!
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