kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I feel like such an IDIOT. He's contacted me after 32 days NC. He dumped me after nearly 16 years together...have posted about it but started new thread as can't post on my other thread for some reason. He left saying not in love with you but love you, it's over...you can't make me love you. I later found out he met someone else a few weeks earlier...he doesn't know i know that. Half awake and I get a text, I had deleted him and so his name didn't come up, I answered the text....message as follows:- Him How's thing..I hope you are ok? Me Who's this? Him Jon X Me Ok Him I'm glad to hear it X [smiley face Me Unless it's about me and you then you shouldn't be contacting me. Him Ok I'm sorry...I just thought i'd ask...look after yourself Kim X Me X I feel so ill, physically being sick....what an idiot I am. I was half awake, I wanted to say You shouldn't be contacting me like I asked you not to.....which meant DONT. Now he has all the power...I'm sobbing I hate myself...32 days NC from me and I screw up like this??? I kept telling myself a hundred times a day IT'S OVER...even wrote it down hundreds of times. I WAS NOT hoping to get him back, I knew he didn't love me anymore and through all of you I was surviving...barely...but was stronger. Now I'm back at square one sobbing....and he's happy of course because reading that it basically says...Jon I'm here waiting for you doesn't it, I mean how else can it be read? I'm waiting, he's moved on!!! Now what?????
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I don't see what you did wrong. You told him squarely that he is not to contact you unless it is within your boundaries. You've eliminated him coming back for ego strokes and laid out the only path in which you will accept communication. You're looking at this the wrong way. Sure it may look like you will just accept him back, but he will still need to prove lots before you just take him back. What you did was make the rules that he will need to play by. 3
PissOfMind Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well, you shouldn't beat yourself up for falling off the wagon, so to speak. Sometimes it only reassures us that we should stay away from these emotional vampires. I had a similar situation with my ex, 4 months of NC and then..I initated contact (fool!) only to realise that it was completely futile. After all, he was the same ******* as usual and 4 months didn't change it. So breaking NC actually helped me reassure myself as to what he really was. Now I am almost 7 months NC, we haven't spoken at all since Christmas and yeah, I have some other insecurities you can read about in another thread, but...breaking NC is not the end of the world, just get back to it. Each day may be a new start, once you truly want to stick to it! 1
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Sigh of relief... It's just that all the post on here say only respond to the 'breadcrumbs' with 'I'm fine'. By telling him only contact if it's about you a me I thought he might think...ok she's still single and waiting for me. But now I have your opinion that has made me feel better...not so pathetic. Thank you so much.
Jose11 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 don't beat yourself up about it. Just think of the positives about the situation that happened. Remember you didn't intiate the contact, HE did. so you are staying strong and remaining NC. You didn't drop everything to go running back to him, you told him to leave you alone. Yes you responded to him, but hey we all make mistakes. Learn from this and next time just remember, if he text or calls, don't respond. Be the better person. 2
PissOfMind Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well, what you did was far more reasonable than what I did. After all, you didn't initiate contact whereas I did (what the hell was I thinking? Probably hoped that all of a sudden he would have some sort of epiphany and become a person that I wanted him to be. Err....;P) I guess you are far more realistic than I was at that point so stick to it and don't let him think you are that easy to satisfy that it's enough to send you a text and have you jumping for joy! 1
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Ok, no I wont respond next time...if there's a next time which I doubt!!! I'm angry that after almost 16 years he dumps me like trash for another woman, left me devastated wanting to live a single life...grass is greener I guess. Then text almost a month to the day...hows things...i hope you are ok ? x WHY? I mean after nearly 16 years...he should know how i'm feeling. What am I supposed to feel, yes thanks Jon I'm ok you trashed me for another woman after 16 years, wanting a single life...yeh I'm really happy Jon. Well that's what I felt like saying...he still doesn't know I know. Why why why do they do this....grrrr I'm so angry right now...
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Well, what you did was far more reasonable than what I did. After all, you didn't initiate contact whereas I did (what the hell was I thinking? Probably hoped that all of a sudden he would have some sort of epiphany and become a person that I wanted him to be. Err....;P) I guess you are far more realistic than I was at that point so stick to it and don't let him think you are that easy to satisfy that it's enough to send you a text and have you jumping for joy! Are you kidding me, would he really have thought I'd be jumping for joy,.... crying maybe, begging? I did that when he was leaving, we both clung to each other crying, but he dumped me....never again will I humiliate myself like that.
PissOfMind Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Feeling angry is natural, even healthy. It would be crazy not to feel angry because of what he did! I remember myself pulling my hair out after my breakup but I decided that facing him and slagging him off would be pointless and would be no relief; it would be giving more power to him, actually. Needless to say, someone who is so detached from his own emotions, wouldn;t be able to understand me and my feelings. I am not sure if it's effective at all times but I wrote a long and angry letter to him which I have never sent. It's unbelievable how much it helped me and how helpful it is to name your own feelings! Try it, maybe it will help you get at least some things off your chest:) Sometimes I still write such "letters" and it really helps me and makes my own thoughts less chaotic. And another thing- 8-9 months ago I was completely devastated. I wasn't left for another woman, but I experienced great indifference, hostility and emotional unaivalibility. I was madly in love, yet unable to have a healthy relationship with this guy. Letting go of hopes and plans was very difficult and I remember myself saying that I would never fall in love like that again, I don't want any other man to touch me ever again blah blah. I couldn't imagine myself changing my attitude. And guess what? It did change, don't even know when. I am still single, but I enjoy my life as it is now, I can see many positive people and things around me, things that I haven't seen before cos I was too busy thinking about the ex. I do have hope. I am sure you don't believe me, but everything will be fine! Really!
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Yes, you're right I do find it hard to believe that one day this pain will end, 16 years is a long time of memories...I just hope you are right....and thank you all for being there for me XXXX
ItsNeverForever Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 The way I see it, you've done everything right...IMO, I don't think you now have to go back to Day 1... If it were me, since I wasn't the one who broke NC, & even reiterated that he's pretty fresh for contacting me when I'd specifically told him not to, I'd pretend it didn't happen & move right on to Day 33! I've totally been in your shoes - You won't still be crying tomorrow, you'll be pissed. Keep counting, stay strong, girl! Side note: heard a song today that I haven't heard in a while, with one of my favorite lyrics ever: "The grass is always greener where the dogs are sh*tting..." Sh*t smells pretty bad - so they're the ones stinking up the place, not us. 1
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I hope you are right, my head is pounding...been so upset all day just staring at his text! Strange I know but it's such a shock. Maybe he feels guilt, I don't think it was for an ego stroke...but why bother when the damage is already done...I mean how the hell does he think I feel having spent 16 years together???
Jose11 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 He probably did contact you because he was feeling guilty. He has regrets, but he has to live with it. The fact that you ended the conversation means he felt bad. So just think this regret will come back again and he'll try to contact you again, and when he does you just ignore him next time. That way he'll live with even more regret.
Author kimeebee Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 He probably did contact you because he was feeling guilty. He has regrets, but he has to live with it. The fact that you ended the conversation means he felt bad. So just think this regret will come back again and he'll try to contact you again, and when he does you just ignore him next time. That way he'll live with even more regret. Thanks Jose, yes guilt I think, I hope not to be put on the friend list...it's just annoying me now as he was told 3x in the course of the night he left...''Do not contact me, we will never be friends. If you think I can be friends with someone I was with for nearly 16 years and watch them with another woman then you are mistaken. Do not contact me or any of my family ever again.'' I think I was very clear, he told me he would respect my decision!!!!!!!!!! All he has done is come back via text but it may as well have been in person. I so hope you are right and he will have regret and live with more regret...but then to kick me into the trash can after 16 years I think I can live with that.
star314 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think you have the upper hand.. he called you. At least a small indication of his not so, entierly w/out you, in mind? But still that isn't ur biggest trouble. You can use this time to make your own self healthy and try to do things you deprived yourself of all the years together, there must be things you gave up for your relationship I know it is vry hard but I am now trying to do this for myself. I'm not saying it's easy I have taken 5, months to get to this point where I cant be in the bottom of a black hole& consider myself alive, any-longer. And I know the physical sickness' can lead to more problems. Start loving you more, put you first. So You can have a healed heart in time. Travel some paths of new adventure&goals. Goood luck, peace& health to you.
69ways Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 Ok, no I wont respond next time...if there's a next time which I doubt!!! I'm angry that after almost 16 years he dumps me like trash for another woman, left me devastated wanting to live a single life...grass is greener I guess. Then text almost a month to the day...hows things...i hope you are ok ? x WHY? I mean after nearly 16 years...he should know how i'm feeling. What am I supposed to feel, yes thanks Jon I'm ok you trashed me for another woman after 16 years, wanting a single life...yeh I'm really happy Jon. Well that's what I felt like saying...he still doesn't know I know. Why why why do they do this....grrrr I'm so angry right now... Well first of all 16 years and no ring...I smell a rat... The way he left you , after spending all these years together, shows that he did not really care about you at the end. At the end of the day you are much better without him, you might not see it now though and its understandable.
Author kimeebee Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Well first of all 16 years and no ring...I smell a rat... The way he left you , after spending all these years together, shows that he did not really care about you at the end. At the end of the day you are much better without him, you might not see it now though and its understandable. In the cold light of day I guess you are right in what you say. I never wanted marriage, he did ask many years ago but we were both so blissfully happy it never really bothered us. He adored me, until the day he left he hugged and told me he loved me every day we were together, always affectionate and loving. I doubt he will make contact again, he knows I survived and has moved on I guess...and I am trying to but it's so hard. Thank you all XXXX
69ways Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 In the cold light of day I guess you are right in what you say. I never wanted marriage, he did ask many years ago but we were both so blissfully happy it never really bothered us. He adored me, until the day he left he hugged and told me he loved me every day we were together, always affectionate and loving. I doubt he will make contact again, he knows I survived and has moved on I guess...and I am trying to but it's so hard. Thank you all XXXX He will make contact again but he was straight to the point:I loved you every day we were together. Past tense................ Its really hard I know but he has made he is been raw and straight to the point. I would add his number back to that contact let and not answer next time he calls but he will make contact , trust me.....
Jose11 Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I agree with 69ways. He will make contact again. But it will not be for your good. It will be because he has the feeling of regret, and by contacting you and getting a response from you he'll feel that he can always come back to you when we wants so he wont have that feeling that he lost you. 16 years is a long time so i know it feels bad. I was with my ex for 8.5 years so i somewhat know the feeling. I just think to myself, the person i loved is gone. They disappeared the day they decided to cut me and us out of their life. This person who is trying to contact you is someone else. It's not fair to you. Continue NC and be strong.
69ways Posted June 13, 2012 Posted June 13, 2012 I agree with 69ways. He will make contact again. But it will not be for your good. It will be because he has the feeling of regret, and by contacting you and getting a response from you he'll feel that he can always come back to you when we wants so he wont have that feeling that he lost you. 16 years is a long time so i know it feels bad. I was with my ex for 8.5 years so i somewhat know the feeling. I just think to myself, the person i loved is gone. They disappeared the day they decided to cut me and us out of their life. This person who is trying to contact you is someone else. It's not fair to you. Continue NC and be strong. Lets put it this way. NC= a faster recovery and moving on NC=a chance to get him back NC=not giving in to him NC=I am stronger than you and I don't need to quench you messed up feelings In my opinion is a win/win situation, don't do the mistakes I did......you will regret it 1
Author kimeebee Posted June 13, 2012 Author Posted June 13, 2012 Yes I have added him back to my contact list but under the ''somebody i use to know' and I will not answer it next time. I am very angry today because if you will 'always love me but not in love any more' then let me move on my way on my own. I'm angry because he was told not to contact me...and he did. I am glad that I handled it the way I did...but really I want to scream at him you met another woman and dumped me you f*****g a****....how DARE you text me and ask how I am. Dump me for someone you knew for a few weeks....I just hope he falls flat on his backside. I don't wish him any harm....but some Karma is all I ask. I've had no closure, never ever confronted him with what I know....there never was any point, if he doesn't want me then that's that....and I can deal with that...but that text was cruel. Maybe he did care but there was no valid reason in my eyes that he should text....I wouldn't do that to someone I dumped, i'd feel I had caused enough pain. Maybe men think different I just don't know.
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