Shall I break no contact?

[jackiki]

Hi everyone,

it was really useful reading through the forums in helping me move on from a bad breakup. But temptations sometimes are hard to tame. so could use some personal input.

 

Well I have been sticking with no contact with my ex-gf for almost 3 weeks now. She cheated and left me for the other guy who is living in the same city as hers. (not sure if they are still together or not since he had a gf of 5 years as well) We had a 8 month long-distance of a total 2 and half year relationship. We met only once after she informed me about the cheating, and I did not fight to win her back, although I told her that I still loved her and was willing to forgive her. but just ended up accepting her decision. I still do love her and miss her a lot, and it was really hard movnig on and still is in many ways.

I am determined that I do not want to be with her, but I am just lonely, empty, and busy with work all the time, so do not have spare time to enjoy myself. I am attending a conference in the city she lives in 10 days from now, shall I invite her out for dinner? Just to catch up on how we have been. or does that turn back the wheels in my moving on process? If she would care the least then I assume she would have contacted? right?

Advice please

[foolishlover]

If your heart and mind wants to contact her, you will do it no matter what people on this forum say.

 

But they speak wise and truthful words. Seeing your ex will DEFINATELY put you back and put you back in square one. It will bring all those emotions you tried to bury back to the surface.

 

I am a month and a half in...i thought i was all good. I ran into him at the gym a month into NC and i was so upset and depressed the whole weekend. That was just seeing him from a distance. It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

 

If you have questions to ask, things to get off your chest, final words you want to say, i would say it to her. At least you then know you have done all you can and you have no regrets. Then you can start healing

[TaraMaiden]

Shall I break no contact?

 

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

 

an

d -

NO.

[jackiki]

Well that was harsh No!

 

I just want to understand one thing, If I gave a great deal about not contacting her, and the No contact rule, and so forth, then I belive that I spend the rest of my days thinking of not contacting "her". If you know what I mean.

She did not give me the closure I need, neither the explanations, but I just want to talk about work and life in general. Really move on, even if she is part of that process. That does not make sense, or what?

[Tiera D]

She Is A Cheater..Let me tell you the possible outcome when you chose to contact her

 

1) She simply ignores you

 

2) She agrees to have dinner and tells you how awesome this guy is (welcome to her buddy list)

 

3) She agrees and bails because whatever reason giving some lame excuses

 

No matter 1,2 or 3 i dont see what could you possibly achieve,you have been NC so long is it worth taking the risk to get hurt all over?Think about it mate

 

TD

[TaraMaiden]

If your heart and mind wants to contact her, you will do it no matter what people on this forum say.

and they'll all say 'No.'

 

But they speak wise and truthful words. Seeing your ex will DEFINATELY put you back and put you back in square one. It will bring all those emotions you tried to bury back to the surface.

And then some. In fact, it will put you back to beyond square one, because before square one, your heart was broken and dejected.

now, it will be re-broken, and re-dejected, because you will have been rejected. Double whammy.

 

I am a month and a half in...i thought i was all good. I ran into him at the gym a month into NC and i was so upset and depressed the whole weekend. That was just seeing him from a distance. It affected me a lot more than I thought it would.

...So imagine going out to dinner, and then getting the old 'sayonara' all over again?

 

If you have questions to ask, things to get off your chest, final words you want to say, i would say it to her. At least you then know you have done all you can and you have no regrets. Then you can start healing

But know this:

You will never get the answers you seek, nor the closure you crave. The answers you seek do not exist as a constant truth. That is, if you were to ask the questions you have, three days running, three days running she would probably provide different replies, because either she herelf doe not fully know them, or he will lie and prevaricate in an effort to 'often the blow' which of course, is futile, as the blow landed long ago....

 

closure is not courtesy of her, it's from you, within you and given to you, by you.

[Thierro]

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,

 

and -

NO.

 

You sure....? But.... So, really no?

 

You know you are going to do it eventually..

[Thierro]

In my experience: NC is a great way to get over someone. The bad part is that there is a chance that they'll come back to you when you are trying to move on. It's not something you want or need.

[jackiki]

I had breakups before, but not after they were hacing affairs. I never attempted to force no contact on myself. But this time I am doing it.

In my past experiences, the no contact happenned naturally and acceptance was a bliss. But now i feel like I am forcing myself in this dark cave, and cannot achieve acceptance since I am running away from it, rather than facing it. and this way hopes come creeping in from time to time with no basis what so ever.

I am really determined that I do not want to be with her. But I feel like the way of no contact, and running away from it, is actually pulling back rather than psuhing me forward.

any ideas?

[Thierro]

I think you need to go through this and experience the pain by giving in. I promise you will get hurt by doing so.

 

Find things out on your own and learn from it..

[jackiki]

She Is A Cheater..Let me tell you the possible outcome when you chose to contact her

 

1) She simply ignores you

 

2) She agrees to have dinner and tells you how awesome this guy is (welcome to her buddy list)

 

3) She agrees and bails because whatever reason giving some lame excuses

 

No matter 1,2 or 3 i dont see what could you possibly achieve,you have been NC so long is it worth taking the risk to get hurt all over?Think about it mate

 

TD

True maybe she will not agree, maybe yes. But that is not the point. The thing is about how I am precieving the whole process. You can trick the mind in many ways, and by saying to myself who cares what would be her response, at least I am satisfying my urges of asking her for dinner. And I am not making a big deal about the whole thing. and this is not for her, but for me. I should start looking at it positively. the more I dwell on not contacting and should move on asap and heal, the worse it is becoming.

 

Just cannot understand the whole ideaology behind no contact. I am forcing it for the first time, and it seems that it is only for manupilative purposes!

[skywriter]

We met only once after she informed me about the cheating, and I did not fight to win her back, although I told her that I still loved her and was willing to forgive her. but just ended up accepting her decision. I still do love her and miss her a lot, and it was really hard movnig on and still is in many ways.

 

 

When you get that urge to contact her, consider the fact that she hasn't made any efforts to right her wrong towards you.

 

Which is telling of a lack of remorse and respect. You deserve better, especially after you telling her you loved her and were willing to forgive her.

[TaraMaiden]

You're curious, and you want validation .

That's natural.

Ok, look, if you really want this, go ahead and invite her to dinner.

Nothing we can say will dissuade you.

 

The thing is, she could decline. Worse, she could accept.

 

worse, because we know 99 times out of ten, you'll come back feeling as if your emotions have been kicked by a mule and gored by a bull.

 

Both at once.

[jackiki]

Thanks for the advice! i am gonna stick with NO taraMaiden.

But just one question about the 'No contact'. Is it not the whole idea of healing and moving on is for one not to give the other person any significance and importance in their thoughts and lives? So when I spend the days thinking of not contacting her when I want to, is it not giving her more importance than i should (introsepctively speaking)? For sure she would think otherwise, but who cares what she thinks anymore!

[Reddice]

Thanks for the advice! i am gonna stick with NO taraMaiden.

But just one question about the 'No contact'. Is it not the whole idea of healing and moving on is for one not to give the other person any significance and importance in their thoughts and lives? So when I spend the days thinking of not contacting her when I want to, is it not giving her more importance than i should (introsepctively speaking)? For sure she would think otherwise, but who cares what she thinks anymore!

 

The opposite of no contact is the actual contact. I'm not sure if having contact is your way of not giving any significance and importance to someone, but we might have a different opinion on this. Apparently in the part of the world where you live, it will make her feal unimportant each time you contact her. If so, than go ahead!

[Tiera D]

Go ahead its normal most of us here at the start heard advice given but still go ahead and resume contact eventually we came back and come to get more advice,she will reject you one way or another and you will start NC and break NC again in future,but know this because in your next relationship you will be more wise in dealing breakup scenarios

 

And no trust me you are not getting satisfaction for your own,but you are keeping false hope still,deep in your heart you know what you want.Another important thing is NC is to be used to heal please go view

 

Caliguy - No contact thread

 

TD

[jackiki]

Hi all again , I have broken NC and it does not feel that bad at all. I did it around 10 days ago, and she has told me that she wanted to contact me so badly but was afraid that it would bother me (i ended up not telling her about my visit) ! She talked for an hour about her family, life, work, etc...as nothing has happened. She also requested that we keep in touch from time to time and I said I am ok with it, if she is willing to right her wrongs and clarify the intentions behind it.

I received a letter shortly afterwards from her, talking about why she let go of the relationship and what are some reasons that made her do what she did! She apologized and tried to be as clear as possible. and she said that she wanted to keep contact because she wants us to look back at the relationship in a healthy way, and that I am still part of her life that she does not want to ignore! (so either to tame her guilt or boost her ego). She did not mention a thing about her new relationship and we decided to meet up someday soon when she ll be around!

Anyways, I feel that a huge weight has been lifted off my chest, and it helped settle my illusions and hopes that I have been pondering about while maintaining NC. I think it is important to bring yourself to reality again, and assist yourself in accepting things as they are! Facing it rather than running away from it. No contact is very healthy for the healing process at the start, but forcing it unwillingly afterwards seems to delay the acceptance stage!

Thanks again for all the advice, and TaraMaiden maybe we should not always try to see things as only black or white!

 

PS: i hooked up with a nicer, sexier, and more beautiful girl last week, and I think things are looking bright! Wish me luck

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks again for all the advice, and TaraMaiden maybe we should not always try to see things as only black or white!

 

PS: i hooked up with a nicer, sexier, and more beautiful girl last week, and I think things are looking bright! Wish me luck

 

Nope, because the above reason is why you feel so buoyant.

If you had no young lady on your arm, trust me, this would be hurting a lot more.

 

Nicer? Sexier? More beautiful?

 

Yup.

That's why.

[WeAllMightBeNuts]

I'm glad you got some feeling of closure from it. That's luck. Percentage wise you will always lose breaking NC in a breakup such as yours.

 

And as it has been said, you wouldn't feel half the closure you do without the new girl coming into your life. If you hadn't found here, you would have been right back in a world of hurt and confusion on here asking "What about this? But that? She says she loves me!"

 

Lies. When people do different than what they say they are liars. You want to believe the good so bad that you keep forgetting the lies.

 

SHE BEGAN A RELATIONSHIP BEHIND YOUR BACK AND CHEATED ON YOU!!!!

 

And it was going on when you were texting with her, talking on the phone, emailing, saying "I Love You" and "Goodnight". Think about that when you are having those good thoughts about her.

 

Why in the f$%k would you want to even know this person anymore? There is no logic too it. Would you allow a buddy to lie and steal from you? Hell no! And you wouldn't have some nicey conversation as to WHY he lied and stole from you.

 

She lied and stole your time & emotional well being. Now you are giving her license for it to be ok. You have been emotionally bullied by her, but more importantly...by yourself. Stop.

 

It's your emotions and heart involved that lose sight of the fact that she is a liar and cheater. How can you even trust the letter she wrote telling you how "We've grown apart. You live there, I live here. You work all the time. We want different things. You are so special to me. Our time together was so special and you will always hold a place in my heart...."?

 

YOU CAN'T!!!

 

She didn't break up with you and decide to be alone for awhile. Then and only then all of that stuff could have some validity. Under the circumstances though, you're allowing her an outlet for HER closure and justification for actions.

 

You need to not only delete her number, texts, email address..etc. You also need to block all avenues she would be able to contact you. She died the second she cheated.

 

F 'dat b!tch.

Edited July 1, 2012 by WeAllMightBeNuts

[jackiki]

I know that she is a liar and a cheater! and there is no need to remind me of that, and I am positive that I do not want her back for those reasons. But during the healing process, you are facing a battle between the heart and the mind. Despite all the resentment and hurt caused, most people still do feel love to that person afterwards. And simply you cannot rid the feeling of love by ignoring it, or replacing it by anger or hate....

as Tara said closure comes from within, and with the right mindset and determination, (that is if really "moving on" is what you are seeking), I think the ends justify the means. And forgiveness is a main portion of a genuine closure!

That being said, I am not perfectly sure if i am really going to forgive her at the end (deep from the heart), but definitely working on that.

True that the new girl is making life easier at the moment, but what I found is most effective after this horrible breakup is the WILL to get over them - both the relationship and the post breakup phase).

That is my experience (till now), and I just wanted to share!

[jackiki]

Under the circumstances though, you're allowing her an outlet for HER closure and justification for actions.

 

This way I will still be focusing on HER and my action are revolving around what she deserves or not deserve...

and I believe the focus should be about what I want and need to heal faster and healthier. Hope I am making sense, since English is not my native language

Edited July 1, 2012 by jackiki