jess22 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 1/2 years now since December 2007. He broke up with me june 10, 2012. I actually seen this coming the relationship was beyond fixable but I still stayed hoping that it will get better. I actually blame my self for screwing up the relationship. When the relationship was perfect I went looking for things. In 2010, on night I was curious and looked through his facebook messages back in 2008 and saw he was still trying to contact his ex and he wrote her a long letter about how hurt he was that she cheated,how much he loved her, and he sent messages for her to call him. I knew all about his previous relationship because we all went to high school together. I felt hurt and betrayed and ever since I read this letter and I had trust issues with him and accused him of cheating a lot. At the time he was not cheating but then He gave me reasons not to trust him. I found naked pics of his ex still on his phone. I questioned him and he said he forgot those were there which I knew was a lie. This girl(she has a child) whom I never heard him mention before, all of a sudden she rode with him when he had to make a trip and take his mom to Florida. I talked to him about it but he do not think that was wrong. Then another girl came in the picture. He said he was kind of mentoring her in the jrotc program and giving her tips and pointers because she wanted to go to the military school like he was attending. So i did not have a problem with this until I would notice she would call and text him all the time. I would listen to them talk but it did not sound like a conversation you would have with your mentee. I saw a facebook message of her saying hey babes sorry I could not call you this weekend. And most recently now another girl who was a freshmen in college and he became a mentor to her. He told me about it and I was a little jealous but I did not make a big deal of it. But I would notice that he would talk to her and text her all the time. Under her name on the phone he has a picture and listed her name as princess(she calls herself that on her facebook and twitter account) I have not actually read any messages between the two but I did saw where she sent him a kissey face. She is apart of a group at his college and once day I saw a movie ticket indicating that he paid for two tickets. I asked him and he said he went to the the movies with a group at school (the same group the girl was apart of) and the lady rung him up wrong and he got cash back. And recently there was another girl who he escorted at the debutante ball. I found out because I looked in his phone and saw messages. Because of my trust issues with him I have been sad and depressed because of this relationship since 2010. I was staying hoping he would realize what he was doing was wrong and love me. And because of my trust issues I have been being mean and having attitudes with him. I have said a lot of things that I should not have said. I am no angel myself. I told him is was over many times out of anger. I have pushed him away and now I was really starting to think that he does not like me anymore. I always had low self esteem but I think by not trusting him made it worst. I became suicidal and was threatening to kill myself. I loved him more than myself. I was starting to do crazy stuff left text non-stop and say mean things. Yes I admit sometimes I threatened suicide to get his attention. But in reality I did want to die and still do because I am so sad. I actually took sleeping pills several times. He told me times and times before that he is not cheating and I want to believe him at times I do and try to convince myself that he is not. My depression and suicidal thoughts and behavior toward him has pushed him away. He says he is tired and I need to stop. I love him and I want it to work I try to convince myself that I can learn to trust him but I can't. So a couple of days ago he broke up with me. He said this relationship is not healthy(which I agree but still had hopes that it would work) and that he has these last two classes in school to worry about and also trying to apply to be a police officer. He say he is exhausted and cannot be in a relationship with me right now but he still wants me to be apart of his life. I begged him that day not to leave me but he still did. He said I need to work on myself before we can be together and that I need to love myself more than I love him. I asked him if he is seeing someone else but he said no. I asked him is he wants to start dating again. He said he doe not know but definitley no time soon. I am crushed and depressed and want to die. I have this little hope that he will want me again, but I trying to be realistic that we are not a couple anymore and he does not want to be with me. I need to realize it is over. But I am sad and depressed. I have called out to work two days straight. I have not eaten. I took 5 sleeping pills and drunk alcohol but I am still alive. I cant focus on school. I feel that this is my fault I wish I could these things back that I did that caused him to push away from me. I hate myself now that I lost the only man I loved. We were going to get married one day he proposed to me. I just want to die right now. I do not want to live. I do not want to work go or school. I just want to sleep forever. I am depressed and I do not know what to do to make me happy again. I need him in my life but I know that he do not want me anymore. I hate myself. We were suppose to be together forever. And the thought of him being happy with someone else getting engaged and married makes me feel even worst. I know once he find someone else he will forget all about me because I know he can find someone better than me in a heartbeat.
Philosoraptor Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 First let me tell you that no one is worth killing yourself over. You don't need him, what you need is to start trusting and believing in yourself. It's obvious you should have ended this relationship years ago when you knew things were not right. I suggest you see a therapist if you are having feelings like this as I was in this same spot awhile back. Look at my old threads and you will see that I felt like I was on the edge as well. You lost yourself trying to be with this person and you feel a need for him as you're not sure who you are anymore outside of the relationship. What will make you better is to find out who you are and what you want out of this world for yourself. Things will get better if you make the effort to make them better. I started with a bucket list and went from there. You'd be amazed how quickly you can pick yourself up once you learn how to put yourself first.
Author jess22 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I really appreciate you responding. It is sad that I can give advice to so many people but cannot take my own advice. When I here about people feeling worthless over a guy I look at them and tell them that they are worth more. But when I look at myself...on the inside I cannot tell name one good thing that I like about myself. I know I am pretty on the outside but it is like I need a man to make me feel good on the inside. I know I should have left him but I loved him to much. I wish I could have dumped him before he dumped me maybe I would not feel so bad. My live revolved around him. I would wait for him to text me or call me and I would get sad when he did not. And this would ruin my whole day and make me lay in bed and cry. We have been together during his whole 4 years in college. Now he just graduated in may, and just have to take two more classes and he will start his career as a police officer. I have one more year in school. I feel sad knowing that I will not be apart of the new milestone in his life. My dream is to get married have some kids and have a career. But now I feel the possibilities of of my dream becoming a reality is 0 now. Its like I depend on him for my happiness. He left me when I needed him the most. I want to live and be happy again. I want to kill myself but am too scared to do so because I do not want to go to hell. I just wish ever night when I go to sleep that I will not wake up. I made an appointment with my doctor today about my depression. I want to get better.... I know he loves me but I am not sure if he is still in love with me. He said he wants to be friends and still wants me to be apart of his life. And then when I told him I can't be just friends with him on Sunday and that it would give me false hope of us being together his response was "don't be like that". He said to for me to not loose his number and that he was there I needed him. I sad I was not going to text him yesterday but I did anyway expressing how I felt and asked him how could he not want to be in a relationship with me right now but still want me to be in his life. He gave me an example "Just like you are not in a relationship with your sister, you are apart of her life. Why can't you understand that I want you apart of my life but not in a relationship with you right now?..So I asked him so does that mean we will see each other once a bloom moon. And he said no not once a blue moon. I also told him I cannot be friends with him and he was like "So just **** me right" But After that last response I just decided not to talk to him anymore or beg him to be with me or even try to understand what does he mean by just being friends. I cannot handle being friends with him. And I'm not even sure what he means by just being friends. I was trying to figure out and I looked up what does a guy mean when he says that but I just figure I need to stop worrying about it and stop talking to him all together. I changed my number yesterday so I will not look at my phone expecting him to call or text and be sad when he does not. It is so hard knowing that he is gone and he does not want me anymore. Its like I am in denial. All day yesterday I laid in my bed crying and tying to come up with answers in my head. Then I had a slight feeling of hope that I was going to get up and go on with my life. Then I woke up this morning feeling sad all over again. I do not need to pretend that I am okay when I am not. I makes me sad to know he is not crying over me. He is able to get on with his life while I'm sad and depressed. And I am also embarrassed because he knows that I want to kill himself because of him and I know he thinks I am crazy and I do not want him to tell his friends and family about that. I lost all my dignity and respect for my self. I gave him all power over me. I want to get better and I am going to see a doctor today.
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