Why can't I listen to what my head tells me?

[Semolina Pilchard]

OK, sorry for the long post, but I need to get this off my chest or I'll explode. Short summary: We are in stuck between being friends and being lovers (relationship limbo you could say), long-distance (250 miles that is), in love with each other. We're not friends because we both agreed that we're much too close for that and especially he doesn't want that, but are not in a relationship either because he doesn't want a LDR.

 

And this is not at all about unrequited love or having to accept that he won't ever fully commit to me... I have accepted that. I know that what he says is true - he does love me, and he desires to be with me, but he has decided that his fears, worries, concerns (regarding a LDR) are stronger than this desire. It took me some time to understand how someone can put his head over his heart, but I stopped hoping that he would not. I know this is going nowhere and that we probably won't ever be happily in a relationship with each other.

 

The thing is, I don't even want to be with him. Yes, I am in love with him, and yes he totally has me spending all my thoughts, emotions and feelings on him, but if I cast all this away, deep down I know that he's someone I wouldn't want to be with anyway. I am looking for someone who appreciates me the same way I appreciate them, who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, who is willing and able to open up to me and who is able to commit. I know that I won't ever get that from him. I also know that there are so many things about him that, normally, I wouldn't be able to stand, his macho attitude, some of his views on life and his doing drugs. I also know that I deserve better than being kept warm until he finds someone better (i.e. someone who is living closer to him). And I know that his behaviour has been horrible at times, he keeps leadig me on and deceiving me. He also doesn't hesitate to emotionally engage with other girls either, which I can't blame him for, as there are no obligations between us.

 

I *know* all that, but why can't I stop following my heart? I depress over him not wanting to commit to me in a LDR, although that's not even what I want (if I listen to my head)! Every time I make up my mind and decide to stop this, to take some time off and then try to be friends or even cut him off my life completely, I keep in because I miss him so much. Why do I let this happen to me? I am sad that he doesn't want me (unconditionally), while in fact rationally I wouldn't want to be with him either. He hasn't even been so good a friend that I would lose much if I cut ties with him, he's not really there for me much (unless I complain that he isn't).

 

It's bringing me down, I can't sleep, think or eat probably. I'm working on my Master's thesis and have delayed so much work already because all that keeps me going is him. I can't understand why I stick with a relationship that has no future, why I put his thoughts over my own, why I stick with someone who is bad for me. Why can't I just accept that he doesn't fulfill my expectations anyway? I want to move on but at the same time I don't.

 

I just wish I could listen to my head more, but it's impossible.

 

Any advice what I should do? I really need some help and encouragement, because I couldn't feel calm and happy in months. I'm grateful for any sort of input.

Edited June 12, 2012 by Semolina Pilchard

[TaraMaiden]

You're addicted to an ideal. Not him, a desire. He's jut the main protagonist, and you're making it up as you go along, to such an extent that you've started to believe it....

Make an appointment with a hypnotherapist and get some sense into your head.

At the moment, you can't see the wood for the trees, and at a time when you should be thinking most clearly, you're self-sabotaging at every turn.

See someone.

I mean it, do whatever it takes to get help.

[Semolina Pilchard]

I have been thinking about what you said and noticed that you're actually right.

 

It's not really him that I am clinging on to so much, it is more the idea of someone, which I seem to have projected on him. It's as if he was playing a role in a play, and I am confusing the role with the actor behind it. So protagonist is quite a fitting term.

 

However I do have honest feelings for him, as a person (and not the role see him in), which I know blind me and keep me from listening to what my rational thinking tells me. And these feelings make me carry on with keeping the ideal up.

 

I haven't been in touch with him since I posted that; we were going to talk on Monday evening but he didn't show up. He apologized the next day and after that sent me loads of casual and funny texts (which he usually does), plus one saying "goodnight x". I didn't answer to any of those because I just needed time to myself really, talking to him just brings me down so much. Funnily enough, that was the first moment I was really able to admit to myself that this is not at all good, that I'm feeling horrible, and that I'm suffering, and once I was able to do that (and be honest with myself), I felt strangely relieved. However I couldn't help but stupidly smile like a little child at Christmas for each message he sent me. :x

 

How am I going to go about him, though? Should I cut him off my life completely, and if so, should I explain to him why? Although he should know by now, we really have talked about it a lot. I do feel bad about not responding to his messages though, it does seem a little rude, and for all he knows I could be dead.

 

Thanks for your reply btw, it really helped me focus.

[TaraMaiden]

It's odd, the people most concerned about implementing No Contact, are always those who need it most.

They think it rude, disrespectful, unkind, abrupt...but they never stop to think that they need gentle handling themselves, order in their lives, and stability for their own well-being.

All of which they owe themselves in spades, but which for some reason, they place as secondary importance to the consideration of the person who actually cares less than they do.

And he does, care less.

Let me ask you a question:

If you were to read your first post again, as a dispassionate outsider, completely unknown to the person posting, who of the two would you say is making a greater personal, emotional and heartfelt contribution to the situation?

Which of the two, is seeking more but getting less?

 

And conversely... which of the two is seeking less, but earning more?

 

Now, I'm not saying this is a deliberate conscious ploy on his part, but this is what is happening: He's keeping you at a safe distance and at arm's length, emotionally speaking, but getting all his Ego-needs met.

You're bending over backwards to keep him happy, and he's being nourished by it, every moment.

 

What's he giving you?

 

What's your pay-off?

 

Breadcrumbs.

 

It's patently obvious that this isn't enough, and neither should you accept it as being enough.

You know what they say about Insanity, and perpetuating a particular behaviour pattern in the hope of a different result...

Well, strangely, you seem aware that the result isn't going to change - but you keep at it anyway.

Don't let your opinion of this man, cloud the fact that there is no hope with him.

sure, you can like him, that's a given.

But it doesn't make what you - or he - is doing, right, fruitful or healthy.

 

Please read the Caliguy No Contact guide in my signature.

don't only read it - read it several times, print it off if necessary, and know that it works.

Now, contact him, either by text or by email, and explain, simply, briefly and in no uncertain terms, that you need to implement No Contact, and why, and ask him to please respect you and your feelings, and that, if he has any consideration for you at all, he will never contact you again, unless his world is on fire.

 

i guarantee he will reply.

 

But you have to ignore this, and any further "just wanted to know how you are" crud, because... well, because the NC Guide explains why.

 

Let me know what you decide to do.

 

Remember: in order to heal, you have to start putting yourself first, and although it involves a change in your behaviour, and the sacrifice of something which fulfils a need in you, it's not a healthy, productive or constructive need.

It will hurt - for a while - but it will pass.

[tryingtodiscoveranew]

This is one of the most amazing threads I have read to date!

 

1.) Semolina Pilchard - I believe our situations are so similar. If I were to substitute a few words from the description as to why you do not want to be with him, with details on my ex gf...your post would appear to be from my head!!

 

2.) TaraMaiden - your input is poignant!

 

I love the point you, made:

 

"It's odd, the people most concerned about implementing No Contact, are always those who need it most.

They think it rude, disrespectful, unkind, abrupt...but they never stop to think that they need gentle handling themselves, order in their lives, and stability for their own well-being.

All of which they owe themselves in spades, but which for some reason, they place as secondary importance to the consideration of the person who actually cares less than they do."

 

--stated so eloquently!! I worry so much about disappointing, and being disrespectful to someone who has shown me a great deal of disregard for YEARS! Someone told me once, "Wow, you can surely take a lot of crap!". It's true...I just keep chasing this girl and making excuses for her behavior. I even thought for a long time, I deserved it because I hurt her feelings a few times in the past by breaking up with her. She said, I'm the reason why she has commitment issues and shuts down when people need her the most. And for the longest, I owned all of this. I have constantly swallowed every ounce of pride and tried to get her back. I wanted to show her how good we could be together. Which is crazy on my part, because I know I could never be happy, or fulfilled with this woman in a million years! I like to communicate...she hates talking about things. That alone has never changed and is more than a good enough reason to run away! How can I trust someone that has repeatedly lied, and on top of that, hates to communicate? I have been fooling myself for 8 years about she and I having potential for a lasting and loving relationship.

 

And you're also right about how I have been feeding her ego. She has made me believe that the way she hurts me is unintentional and is primarily my fault because "I think too much". "Things aren't what they seem", she says.

 

Once again, I appreciate all of your insight in this matter. It's genius!

Edited June 15, 2012 by tryingtodiscoveranew