markg Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Hi, first I'm 31 and she's 25. We was together 8 years and have 2 children together. Last tuesday I agreed to leave after what has been a stressful few weeks and she said she wanted and needed space so after awhile of me begging to no avail I left, then, I see and put 2 and 2 together when I saw what I consider to be an older man I never thought she would see but turns out within 4 days of me leaving he stopped the night with her and my babs but she thinks nothing of it, I said she he can't be there as she doesn't know much of him and i think that is crazy around my kids. He's 39, to me a big age gap have any of you ever been in simpler situation? I can't sleep eat and I constantly try and be strong but I'm weak sometimes and tell her my thoughts but she always comes back with a problem. Please ppl help me get through it or win her back. Thank you.
Author markg Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Hi, thank you for the quick reply. we were together 8 years and I should have made her day and married her.
Stanza Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 hi, are there things you can work on in yourself for now? things you should have done for yourself that perhaps you should have done before? As you can impress her by showing you're making changes. this older man - it sounds a bit like a rebound but you have to find out more on if there's more overlap to you maybe. it could be she's evaluating him to you, I wouldn't say all is lost for you.
Author markg Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Stanza, thank you for the great comments and I pray I can again but I feel she is stubborn and would try with him no matter what. I will look at the issues I may have and work at them but what issues do you refer too?
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 ....I agreed to leave after what has been a stressful few weeks and she said she wanted and needed space 99 times out of ten, 'wanting and needing space' translates to, "I want/need a break" which actually means "we're breaking up, but I can't bring myself to say it, or you'll lose the plot completely". she broke up with you. so after awhile of me begging to no avail I left, joint rental/mortgage or in sole name only? then, I see .... an older man .....within 4 days of me leaving he stopped the night with her .....I said she he can't be there as she doesn't know much of him If you're not married, and you moved out - you have no say what she now does. your disapproval is immaterial and irrelevant. and i think that is crazy around my kids. This, however, I completely agree with. I take it your name is on the birth certificates and you are the rightful, acknowledged father? He's 39, to me a big age gap Unfortunately, no matter what the age gap, she's made it quite clear you're history. Her behaviour is reprehensible, and her actions devious and underhand, but legally, you have no say in what she does. your only concern now, is the welfare of the children. have any of you ever been in simpler situation? I can't sleep eat and I constantly try and be strong but I'm weak sometimes and tell her my thoughts but she always comes back with a problem. Please ppl help me get through it or win her back. Winning her back should actually be the last thing on your mind. If she is being deliberately and openly unfaithful to you, really, getting her back after another guy has been "seeing to her needs" then all you're ever going to think about is "another guy's been seeing to her needs/ will it happen again?" Hi, thank you for the quick reply. we were together 8 years and I should have made her day and married her. shoulda-woulda-coulda, the thing is you didn't, and frankly, i really don't know that it would have made any difference in the Emotional stakes. What it would have done was legalise your position with regard to the custody and care of the children, the division of property and your rights in the eyes of the law as an equal partner. Right now, you have no rights, and if you want the best for those kids, you need to take legal advice and determine exactly where you stand.
Author markg Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 My children are my paramount concern and always will be as i have stopped him going there as she does not know him and that is a breach of trust that she will care for the children. Property is rented private in my name. So in short forget her and get on looking out for kids?
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Yes. and if the property is in your name, she should leave, not you. go back, and tell her to pack her bags and leave, or you will have her forcibly removed. And she can see the kids when she's found a stable place to live for herself. you can evict her. The children are you sole concern now, and you must in all urgency, seek legal advice with regard to their care, and most importantly, your right and obligation concerning them. Remember: Law is concerned with the practical, not the emotional. The detail of the why and wherefore will not interest them. All they will be concerned with, is what will be best for the children.
Chi townD Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Dude, the property rental is in YOUR name. GO HOME!!! If she doesn't like it, tough toenails! She can leave and the kids can stay with you. If she wants to take a break, she can take her ass out of there! Go home, don't tell her that you're coming home, just go home. OH! and when you go home, have a voice activated recorder on you. Chances are she's going to be pissed that you're throwing a monkey wrench into her comfort zone and she may threaten you and try to draw you into an arguement to make a case for herself that she frighten your in the house and have you removed, then getting a restraining order out on you. Sounds extreme, but it's been done. Look, you're making her having an affair very easy. She has the comfort of the home, the kids, she can text this guy all day long without having to hide it, she can talk to this guy hours on end without you listening in and she can have this guy over whenever she wants because you're not there. That's not how to win her back. That's beeing a doormat. Go back home and start doing the 180: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.No frequent phone calls.Don't point out "good points" in marriage.Don't follow her/him around the house.Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.Don't ask for reassurances.Don't buy or give gifts.Don't schedule dates together.Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!Don't be overly enthusiastic.Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."Try doing this. 1
Author markg Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Honestly that is brilliant advice I really ain't bothered about the place and ive stopped him coming around the kids till he can be (not sure on how long this should be?) How dou control your emotions about what shes doing? Thank you this is grat stuff.
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