jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Hi all! I'm a 22 year-old American female who had a first date with a 35 year-old British male on Sunday. I have no idea what to make of it. He didn't talk very much- I mean he answered questions but he didn't ask me nearly as many as I asked him. He does postdoc research in physics at a university where I live. I'm also involved in psychology research at my university- so at least we had that to talk about. I mean, I had an alright time with him, but he just didn't seem to open up. Is that typical of British men? I know it was just the first date, but I was exhausting myself asking him about his work, his traveling, etc. I don't know if he likes me or not. We went to the zoo then had lunch there... the walking around started to get awkward but it wasn't unbearable. We talked for an hour eating lunch without as many pauses and we actually talked about tattoos and things like that. He showed me his and I wanted to show him mine but he would have had to look down my shirt (lol). I had to leave to get ready for work that evening, so we left. On the way out, before going our separate ways, I told him I had a good time and thanked him for lunch. He pretty much said the same and said he would send me a text sometime about getting together again (I think?). So he extends his arms out and we hug.. but he leans in and kisses my cheek. I sort of freaked out on the inside so as he started to pull away from my cheek, I got on my toes and kissed him on the lips. He didn't say anything or pull away.. if anything he pulled me in a little closer for a second. We weren't tonguing either- it was just a kiss that lasted a couple seconds (at best). So then we both let go and I felt happy/sort of awkward because I kissed him spontaneously... I guess he didn't seem to mind, but.. I have heard that British guys are just too polite for their own good. He probably didn't want to hurt my feelings by pushing me away or rejecting, but now I will probably never hear from him again because I scared him with a kiss on the first date. Is this accurate at all? Does it mean anything if a British guy kisses you on the cheek on the first date? Is it just a custom? Was he being polite by making the gesture and waiting to see if I would return the kiss??? I am so confused right now- I havent heard from him since the date, so I'm not sure if I should text him or what. Just sitting around playing the waiting game >.< How will I know if he's interested in me? I'm sorry, I'm just not familiar with British dating habits and such... any advice would be helpful (especially from people who are British or who have dated a Brit) Thanks in advance
Ross MwcFan Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Sounds like he's shy and he likes you. I don't think there's anything to worry about.
utterer of lies Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I don't think it matters at all that he's a brit. I think he was happy and the date went well, and I'm pretty sure he found your nervousness and uncertainty cute. I know I would do that in such a situation. With 35, most men aren't as effervescent as in their twens, but you would have noticed if he didn't like you. So just try to relax and meet him again.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 That sounds..........incredibly unromantic, non-stimulating, weird/awkward date...what do you see in this guy again? Nothing really seems to gel well at all, and he's got a huge lead on you and years and that's the best he can come up with to do on a date? just to answer a few questions. Am i the only one that fails to value romance, chemistry and a actual genuine connection or am I just old-fashioned and it's about fetishes, thinking you're mature when you're young and finding someone with a common interest these days?
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 What do you mean by 'British'? Is he English or Welsh or Scottish or Northern Irish? Is he a second generation Pakistani? 'British' can be anyone with any sort of background with a British passport. Assuming you mean English, no it's not typical. Some guys are funny and relaxed, others are more reserved. He sounds like a socially awkward geek - or just someone very shy.
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 That sounds..........incredibly unromantic, non-stimulating, weird/awkward date...what do you see in this guy again? Nothing really seems to gel well at all, and he's got a huge lead on you and years and that's the best he can come up with to do on a date? just to answer a few questions. It was a daytime date- I thought it was a sweet idea. I work evenings part-time and he suggested it. I thought it was better than him suggesting we get drinks and end up back at his place.. at least I know he's interested in getting to know me first, not my body. I've been told my numerous people, therapist included, to try dating above my age range because I prefer mature men who have figured their lives out. He has a doctorate and does research at a prestigious university and will be applying for professor positions soon..
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 He's English- he grew up in a medium sized town somewhat south of Bristol. He's shy and reserved, but doesn't seem nervous or scared when he's talking. I think it will just take him time to open up.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It was a daytime date- I thought it was a sweet idea. I work evenings part-time and he suggested it. I thought it was better than him suggesting we get drinks and end up back at his place.. at least I know he's interested in getting to know me first, not my body. I've been told my numerous people, therapist included, to try dating above my age range because I prefer mature men who have figured their lives out. He has a doctorate and does research at a prestigious university and will be applying for professor positions soon.. I honestly didn't mean the date location itself, I was referring to his demeanor. Dating above your age range is one thing, but dating a socially inept man who is 35 doesn't exactly strike me as the target. I think this guy failed really hard, I can't possibly make out from that whole explanation of your date what you find interesting. If this is a good date with a guy then what is a bad date to you? if he kills you? seems extremely desperate and settling, I can't imagine how you engage romantic relationships when you're basically like two cold fish on a date.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Just send him this video maybe Disney can give him a little nudge next time
thatone Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 he probably has less dating experience than you, as others are suggesting. if that's the case not only will he not reject you, he's probably thinking he loves you right now. consider that moving forward.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 He's English- he grew up in a medium sized town somewhat south of Bristol. He's shy and reserved, but doesn't seem nervous or scared when he's talking. I think it will just take him time to open up. Ah, he is a Somerset country boy. English country boys are more modest than city types and can be shy (LOVE them) but they are usually quite sociable in my experience. This one sounds more reserved than usual.
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I think this guy failed really hard, I can't possibly make out from that whole explanation of your date what you find interesting. If this is a good date with a guy then what is a bad date to you? if he kills you? seems extremely desperate and settling, I can't imagine how you engage romantic relationships when you're basically like two cold fish on a date. I'm assuming you're an outgoing person. I used to be really shy- wanting to say something but feeling inhibited due to shyness. I think that may be the case; he seemed to be having a good time but wasn't feeling comfortable enough to just be himself. I am very empathetic for such people and I don't think it's right to dismiss somebody right away just because they are shy. Many of my now close friends are somewhat shy; I can remember hardly talking with them the first time we met, but as time went on they opened up more. So to answer your question, what do I see in him that would convince me to say yes to a second date? I would say that I'm attracted to his intelligence, his wit, his kindness and politeness, and of course his looks. I would be more than happy to give him a second chance.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think you should see him if you like him absolutely but to answer your original question, he isn't behaving in a way that's usual for Britain as such (hard to generalise with such a variety of people that we have)
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Ah, he is a Somerset country boy. English country boys are more modest than city types and can be shy (LOVE them) but they are usually quite sociable in my experience. This one sounds more reserved than usual. Ah, ok.. that helps a bit. I really appreciate your input
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I think you should see him if you like him absolutely but to answer your original question, he isn't behaving in a way that's usual for Britain as such (hard to generalise with such a variety of people that we have) Yeah, I'm sorry for generalizing- I realize there are many different personalities and such.. everybody is an individual no matter where they're from. I just wasn't sure if I was missing out on some sort of vital fact about Englishmen or dating differences, etc.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I honestly didn't mean the date location itself, I was referring to his demeanor. Dating above your age range is one thing, but dating a socially inept man who is 35 doesn't exactly strike me as the target. I think this guy failed really hard, I can't possibly make out from that whole explanation of your date what you find interesting. If this is a good date with a guy then what is a bad date to you? if he kills you? seems extremely desperate and settling, I can't imagine how you engage romantic relationships when you're basically like two cold fish on a date. Has it ever occured to you that she finds something likeable and attractive about him anyway? Just because someone is shy, it doesn't mean that they should always be rejected.
Emilia Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Yeah, I'm sorry for generalizing- I realize there are many different personalities and such.. everybody is an individual no matter where they're from. I just wasn't sure if I was missing out on some sort of vital fact about Englishmen or dating differences, etc. I know. There is something to the English stereotype but I think it's becoming less and less typical.
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Has it ever occured to you that she finds something likeable and attractive about him anyway? Just because someone is shy, it doesn't mean that they should always be rejected. Thank you, Ross! I am indeed attracted to shyer, deep thinker types. My ex is pursuing a doctorate in European History and was also very shy. Even after being together for a couple years, he was always still sort of shy (not what led to the breakup). The man I've been talking about in this thread does postdoc physics research...
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 I know. There is something to the English stereotype but I think it's becoming less and less typical. I think I know what you mean- there are a few English expats that have become regulars at the restaurant where I work part-time.. the only thing that makes them different from the Americans is their accent and love for soccer.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Has it ever occured to you that she finds something likeable and attractive about him anyway? Just because someone is shy, it doesn't mean that they should always be rejected. She's more infatuated with what she thinks he is rather than what he is. It's easy to jump to the conclusion i'm harping on this guy because he's shy but its actually rather irrelevant. She's got this little picture in her head of what she wants and hopes this guy to be and she's trying to make it happen...she's not taking into any consideratin important factors that are relevant in dating....despite a completely failure to connect she's still insistent on pursuing this man like he's the only option she's got. Or is this jsut how intellectuals make babies? through academic backgrounds. I may not be able to relate to this academic infatuation situation, but I sure as hell understand men, women and dating and this is definitely weird and forced. She's making the assumption that all shy people are equal and because she was shy, is shy, and her last bf with shy well this must absolutely work out!
Author jessica0812 Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 She's more infatuated with what she thinks he is rather than what he is. It's easy to jump to the conclusion i'm harping on this guy because he's shy but its actually rather irrelevant. She's got this little picture in her head of what she wants and hopes this guy to be and she's trying to make it happen...she's not taking into any consideratin important factors that are relevant in dating....despite a completely failure to connect she's still insistent on pursuing this man like he's the only option she's got. Or is this jsut how intellectuals make babies? through academic backgrounds. I may not be able to relate to this academic infatuation situation, but I sure as hell understand men, women and dating and this is definitely weird and forced. She's making the assumption that all shy people are equal and because she was shy, is shy, and her last bf with shy well this must absolutely work out! No, I don't think all shy people are equal, all I said is that I understand where they come from. I don't know how you can decide whether or not your date is "the one" based on the first date- whether they are shy or not. I think if you are attracted to the person for one reason or another, it's OK to go on a second date. You don't just get to know somebody within the first 3 hours, it takes time. I'm going to take someone else's advice and go out with him a second time if I'm asked. 1
FitChick Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I only date intelligent, educated British guys, most with advanced degrees (PhD) and if they are attracted to me, they are just as sexually aggressive as any other nationality. Not shy at all. If he happened to be American, would you think the same things? You have to judge the man and his actions. Is he going to return to the UK? You can't just hop on a plane and move to another country. Edited June 12, 2012 by FitChick
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Do what you want to Jessica, nobody is going to stop you. But this situation doesn't sound right at all, nothing really sounds right at all, i have no idea what you and those who are supporting you are seeing. I think you're avoiding having a criteria for this guy, It's not anything this guy is showing or that you felt that is pushing you thus far, so it has to be completely idealistic. I have a feeling you're going to find out though the hard way, I doubt this is going anywhere, If even a second date.
Ross MwcFan Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 She's more infatuated with what she thinks he is rather than what he is. It's easy to jump to the conclusion i'm harping on this guy because he's shy but its actually rather irrelevant. She's got this little picture in her head of what she wants and hopes this guy to be and she's trying to make it happen...she's not taking into any consideratin important factors that are relevant in dating....despite a completely failure to connect she's still insistent on pursuing this man like he's the only option she's got. Or is this jsut how intellectuals make babies? through academic backgrounds. I may not be able to relate to this academic infatuation situation, but I sure as hell understand men, women and dating and this is definitely weird and forced. She's making the assumption that all shy people are equal and because she was shy, is shy, and her last bf with shy well this must absolutely work out! I don't think she's ever said that this must absolutely work out. Sure, it seems like they kinda failed to connect, but she's only been on one date with the guy, and she's attracted to him enough to give it another shot or a few more shots, nothing wrong with that. Once they get used to each other, or he opens up more there could be a connection.
oaks Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I have heard that British guys are just too polite for their own good. Yes we are. As for kissing, or not, on a first date: it's one of those things where there isn't a right answer. Some people will take no kiss on a first date as a bad sign (and there are posters here who write things like "it wasn't a date if there wasn't a kiss"), and some people (well, women) get all upset about guys who go for a kiss too soon, even if they are interested. Consequently I don't think that no kiss on a first date is a good indicator of no interest.
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