SingleLadyBug Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Hi everyone.....HELP! Please I signed up for these boards in hopes someone on here can offer me some piece of clarity or advice. I've been involved in many different relationships with guys, but this past relationship that has broken my heart has left me confused, shocked and broken. I hope someone finds it in their heart to read my story...which I will keep as short as possible. I met a guy. He asked me out. We hit it off from the moment he took me to the hockey game of my fave team. Our 2nd date lasted 8 hours. It became mutually exclusive very fast. Things moved really fast. It was the first relationship where I never worried about how much he cared about me because he made me feel so cared for without asking. He did the sweetest things and made me feel special. He kissed me, held my hand, took me out. He told his family about me. He told his friends about me. I never had a doubt in my mind that this was going somewhere. Then we had one amazing dinner date. After the dinner, he came over and I started to get sleepy on the couch (big meal+wine=sleepy combo), but he was not. He works nightshifts and so woke up only hours before while I had been up and about all day. He told me he was going to go home if I just wanted to sleep cause he just wasn't tired. Sure enough, next thing I know, I wake up in the middle of the night to realize I had fallen asleep when I tried hard to stay awake for him and he was gone. My phone had msgs from him apologizing for leaving and telling me he had an amazing date with me and hopes he can take me on more dates like that. In the upcoming days, we were unable to make plans together because of his shifts and my work situation at the time, even though we both tried. The following weekend he had plans with friends to go to a cottage and he did. Then, that was it. Days went by and I never heard from him. Finally, when I tracked him down on facebook of all places, he gave me a crappy excuse about losing his phone. I felt his tone and asked him what was really going on and he then finally said that he thinks it was "pretentious of him to think he can be in a relationship with his night schedule at work. That it was agonizing and heartwrenching on him". He agreed to come see me the next day and talk. But sure enough, he bailed 2 hours before he was supposed to be here. When I asked him what the hell, he finally just blurted on facebook that it was over and that it was never ever going to work. I was left in such shock. Up until that week things were absolutely amazing. It feels like he ran as soon as there was any sign of trouble even if it was just a schedule conflict of just that one week. The feelings and chemistry were there. I never doubted how he felt. In fact, at one point, I felt he liked me more than I liked him. He made me feel like I was really special to him. He did all the right things. He really really cared. I never saw this coming. Things really felt genuine and real, and amazing. He never gave me a reason to worry. He made all the first moves, did all the right things.... so why did he run? Why did he halt the breaks so fast and run? Why did he give me a horrible excuse ("We will never work out because of my schedule. I live 30 mins away and work night shifts"). These things were never any issues that he had brought up. These things were totally manageable and not deal breakers. Why do I feel like he just got scared? and worse, why couldn't he face me and break with me? Why did a guy who I thought was so amazing and so nice and so caring, hurt me so badly and do the break up deed over facebook chat? Someone please offer me some sort of comfort? Something that will make all these questions and all this confusion go away. Im struggling here. I know we weren't together for long but it doesnt mean he didnt mean something to me. Im hurting
greenz Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I'm really sorry about your situation, but you will never know the answers until he gives them to you and that may never happen. I ran from my 1st gf because of numerous reasons, but I really didn't even fully understand it then. Only later did I realize how much I must have hurt her. Immature guys don't understand feelings as well as girls and my guess is that he is not in touch with his. He has to get over whatever he has going on. Having said that, he did sort of give you an answer - work schedule, drive. It's really lame coming from someone you love, but if you read between the lines it kind of means that it's too difficult for him to adjust his schedule for you. He also seems very set in his decision. You don't need someone like that in your life. I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but the best thing for you is not to contact him anymore and move on. If he realizes he has made a mistake, he will come back all on his own. You will not have to do anything. At the very least, he will contact you one day to apologize for treating you so badly. And if he does neither, then he is not worth having in your life, trust me.
Author SingleLadyBug Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Thank you for reading! Trust me, Ive read between the lines, I've psychoanalyzed everything he said, I said, he did, I did... it was torture. He never needed to adjust his schedule for me. I never asked or demanded anything of him. We made things work on the days he had off and the one time there was an issue, even though he was apologetic at the time (maybe he shouldn't have been), It posed too much of an issue? I don't know. It all feels like a big excuse for another underlying issue. Also, I have not contacted him since. I did write him a letter the night of our breakup telling him the things I was never able to, how much he hurt me, how much he meant to be, how much I feel for him and just how broken I felt. I didn't ask for a response or expect one. I then deleted him off facebook and have not contacted him since. At the very least, I hope that his heart hurts as much as mine.
D-Lish Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Sometimes you think you know someone when you don't. I don't find that you get to know the true nature of a person until you've been together for a few months. People tend to be on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship. He doesn't sound like the type of guy that can be counted on and it's probably best that you found that out now. I'm sorry you're hurting. If someone isn't giving you the closure you need, then you have to create your own closure on the matter.
greenz Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It all feels like a big excuse for another underlying issue. If he never communicated any problems to you and just acted casually and ran without caring about your feelings, it definitely is about underlying issues. Thank you for reading! I did write him a letter the night of our breakup telling him the things I was never able to, how much he hurt me, how much he meant to be, how much I feel for him and just how broken I felt. I didn't ask for a response or expect one. I then deleted him off facebook and have not contacted him since. You've told him how much he's hurt you and that's all you can do and he still hasn't done anything about it. You don't need someone like that in your life. Just stay strong and continue not to contact him. At the very least, I hope that his heart hurts as much as mine. If it doesn't now, it will one day. What goes around, comes around. Trust me.
greenz Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 And I meant his underlying issues that he is not able to discuss.
Jose11 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Sometimes in these situations we never really get our closure on what happened. But then again if you think about it, is there any possible believable thing he could have said to make it any less painful? I always wanted closure on my previous relationship, and although I have yet to receive it, I don't think anything would make me feel better. Just refocus your energy on yourself. Try to do things that will make you happy. And i like to believe there's the universe out there that will balance this out. our partner who left us high and dry will eventually realize the mistake they made and regret it for the rest of their lives or the same thing will happen to them.
Author SingleLadyBug Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Thank you all for reading and your caring responses. * You know, I thought I’d be able to handle this better and that it wouldn’t be as emotional wrenching as the last few days have been. I think it’s a combination of disappointment as well as shock since I never ever anticipated or even saw it coming. I had no reason to. * I’m trying my hardest to stop blaming myself, to believe that what was happening when it was happening was actually real (it would kill me to think that it was all on act on his behalf…and if it was, what for?) I’m just struggling with all the memories that we made. Prior to the break up, he left me with nothing but amazing memories of the time we spent together. *I guess what I am trying to say is that I am struggling with getting over something that felt so perfect and so right. My only bad memory is the break up which I know should tell me I am better off but, its difficult… last time we were together, it was great. I know in due time, I'll be okay. And there will be a day, he will wonder if he made the right choice and whether never knowing what this could have been was worth it.
D-Lish Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I think you're looking for a trigger that caused him to bail out. The truth is that it's not something you did or didn't do. He isn't ready for a relationship for whatever reason, and it's good that you've found out he's not reliable now instead of later. I always know when a relationship is over when someone starts distancing from me. The natural reaction is to try and pull them back in when you should do the opposite. This is about him, it's his problem. I have met a number of men that come on strong out of the gate and then lose interest just as quickly. It's perplexing, and it leaves you thinking it's something you did- but it's not. How old are the two of you?
Jose11 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 It's difficult right now becuase all you can think about are the good memories. I find it hard sometimes too because I always felt this was the perfect relationship. But hey I am here now and without it. Also don't blame yourself. Yes things could have gone differently, but if the other person really wanted to make it work, they would be there with you making the change. You know you would be willing to try to make the changes to make things work. But the other person decided they wanted out, that was their decision, their fault. It'll take some time, but you'll start to realize all the bad things that were happening in the relationship. I realized that my ex was EXTREMELY jealous of any girl I talked to. Even though I made it 100% sure I was in love with her and no one else. I actually lost a lot of friends who were girls becuase of this. I also realize I spent way too much time with her, and lost some friends becuase of it. It'll take some time, but you'll be ok. One day at a time.
Author SingleLadyBug Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 You’re all right, I know. * I’m doing my best at listening to my gut and not my mind. I know that sounds weird but my gut feeling keeps me feeling okay whereas my mind goes in circles and comes up with some of the cruelest thoughts sometimes. I know how it felt for those two months and I know how he felt. I know in my heart it wasn’t all fake… as cheesy as that sounds. I know that now that it is over, I am overanalyzing it all in search of answers and that sometimes the answers are right in front of me. Sometimes the most obvious answer can be the hardest to find. Like you guys said, no one but him knows why he left. I believe that he just freaked out and bailed, what the reason behind that was, I don’t know. And I have a inkling that maybe he doesn’t truly know it either. As said above, the reasoning he gave during the break up, did not make sense nor was it ever an actual problem that he brought up or mentioned. In fact, it seemed to work quite fine. So with all that being said, with all the things that don’t add up, it just makes me believe that there was nothing I could have done. It was something that brewed in his mind, and now that is something he has to deal with. He can tell himself whatever, if he ever thinks about it. Regardless, I am doing better at changing my mind set at thinking that he was the one who lost something and not I. The decision was made by him and there was nothing I could do to change it (nor did I try). The only thing I said during the breakup was that he didn’t care enough about me to break up with me in person and he got really upset at how I could even make that statement. Oh well. He made his decision abruptly, and got out quickly. And even though I know he said it was agonizing and heart wrenching for him to make that decision, I know that one day he will feel like an idiot for it. I will feel better off. Right now it still hurts, but in my heart and in my gut, I know that life has a funny way of making things happen. I know that things will work out as they should. Maybe I'll never hear from him as long as I'll live, maybe he will one day contact me just to say he's sorry for the way he has handled it, or maybe he will come crawling back. Only time knows and I'm just taking it day by day, trying to think ahead and not on the "why"... As hard as it is.* * And also, we’re both 26.
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