nevadagirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I was talking with a friend tonight who recently felt he'd gotten some healing after he had a lunch with a girl who hurt him in the past. We got on the subject of my relationship with my ex (it is non existent) and I confessed that I still thought about him a lot, even after all this time. (Broke up about 10 months ago, I dropped all contact about 7 months ago and ignored all subsequent shallow reach outs from him, hooray for reaching your breaking point, right?) Anyway. So here I am on LS looking for some perspective. My friend asked me what it was exactly I thought about when I was thinking about him. I realized that when I think about the ex it is usually when I am alone for a long period of time or listening to music. (weird?) I do not reminisce about our past. I do not fantasize about him sexually. I do not have any particular desire to chat with him about the weather or any other equally shallow thing. I don't want to play catch up. I don't care about how he is doing... (but at the same time I think the knowledge that he is doing GREAT or had a girlfriend would bother me - and this confuses me.) My fantasies always involve a confrontation. Not about the past. Not about who was right or wrong. Just a meeting - a chance encounter. I'm always indifferent in the fantasy. I'm always perfectly amicable but ultimately uninterested. I suppose the fantasy is that I won. Anyone who has been dumped and manipulated and played the fool repeatedly and endured the emotional abuse and toying that accompanies being dumped by an ******* has that period of time where it feels like they won and we lost. They moved on faster. Their life is better, etc. It sucks and maybe it isn't rational but it's a very real feeling. Thoughts on why I repeatedly fantasize about this when I'm alone and not distracted? Is this normal? I cannot reconcile how indifferent I seem to feel most of the time with Indifference-Fantasies of him seeping into my brain when I am alone.
Gridlock23 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I just want to highlight some of that: • Its been 10 months since your breakup but you still often think about him. • He hurt you, and thus you feel humiliated, manipulated, like a loser • Your fantasy involved a confrontation in which you "win" Something that is very interesting to me is how you define winning. To people that have been manipulated, dumped, replaced, etc, it leaves you extremely broken and hurt, often wondering why or how it happened. For me it made me feel not good enough, and that's still something I struggle with. To me it seems that you want to hear him say that he made a mistake, that it was the worst mistake of his life, and that he's a wreck without you, miserable in fact, and that he regrets all of it entirely. This is why I believe you fantasize about this confrontation. If you were to hear him say those things it would make you feel "good enough". Even though it's been 10 months don't shun the feelings that you may still have for this person. Know that for now, and until something drastic changes, you both are not together. It's completely natural to feel the way that you do.
ToyWithMe812 Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 If you must view it as a competition during these occurrances, then if you ask me, you already "won." You "won" because you are without a most likely terrible person and you get to move on to someone better some day. But of course, who doesn't have these fantasies creep into their minds at some point? Whomever states to the contrary is most likely lying. It is natural to fantasize about some sort of revenge, or a reckoning of sorts. In my situation, my ex most certainly won if you consider the classical interpretation, in that she is/was much more successful, much better paying job, already moved on with someone else/cheated on him with me, and did some unethical things in the process leading up to it. Personally, "winning" does not concern me in the least. That is not to say that it wouldn't bring a smile to my face if I found it she got screwed over down the road - after all, we're only human. Nevertheless, when I am over her enough to be content, then I suppose I have obtained my victory, if it must be viewed as such.
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Everyone has a replay button that plays the scenario in which we come out top. the more we hit rock-bottom in reality, the better the outcome for us in the fantasy. the secret of getting over this is - "To meet with Triumph and Disaster, and treat those two impostors just the same."
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