Author daphne Posted June 14, 2012 Author Posted June 14, 2012 I was commenting on your reaction, not anything that he said. Anyway, good luck! I think I just dodged a crazy one myself - she went from telling me that I'm her new best friend to telling me that I can't be in her life in the space of a few hours, and we hadn't even met yet (and now never will). Oh Oaks. Don't become a debbie downer like some of the other people on this board. I was excited to talk to someone with whom I have something in common, who appears to be genuine about not wanting to date half the city. Interestingly, I spoke to another guy who I thought might have promise, who tried to say something similar but came across as full of nonsense. Going with my gut. WHat happened to your gf? Did it not work out? And as for the new girl, was there an awkward disagreement or something? Or just out of teh blue? I hope it works out but i wouln't get my hopes up if i were you. I did for a second, until I realized that I have not met this person and know very little about him. But when we talked, I noticed that he seemed very balanced and genuine. That's why I like talking to them first. I have ruled out a number of guys from the phone call. Haha yeah, I can see how it would look like I am a multi-dating junkie. What ends up happening is that it's clear to both the woman and me that we aren't right for each other, or sometimes, the women seem to disappear after a couple dates. So it's back to the well for me. Keep working at it. You're getting a lot more dates than I remember when you started. You must be doing something right.
oaks Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Interestingly, I spoke to another guy who I thought might have promise, who tried to say something similar but came across as full of nonsense. Going with my gut. Sounds like a good plan. WHat happened to your gf? Did it not work out? She wasn't quite as settled in the UK as it first appeared, and she left the country. I'm good at picking foreigners who don't want to stay here! And as for the new girl, was there an awkward disagreement or something? Or just out of teh blue? She was annoyed that I wouldn't chat with her on webcam. We had before, but on this occasion I was at work and I suggested that it wasn't a good idea since I was supposed to be working. She was also annoyed that I wouldn't add her on Facebook, and didn't like my comment that I didn't usually add people from dating sites who I haven't even met yet. Her view on that was that since she didn't have anything to hide then it shouldn't be a problem. No loss here - she clearly had some different values to me.
Author daphne Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Sounds like a good plan. She wasn't quite as settled in the UK as it first appeared, and she left the country. I'm good at picking foreigners who don't want to stay here! She was annoyed that I wouldn't chat with her on webcam. We had before, but on this occasion I was at work and I suggested that it wasn't a good idea since I was supposed to be working. She was also annoyed that I wouldn't add her on Facebook, and didn't like my comment that I didn't usually add people from dating sites who I haven't even met yet. Her view on that was that since she didn't have anything to hide then it shouldn't be a problem. No loss here - she clearly had some different values to me. I generally won't date someone who hasn't lived in my city for 5+ years, since it's a transitional city. Not worth it. I'll ask them how much they like the city, and go from there. If they're lukewarm about it, I know they don't plan on staying. As for webcam girl, sounds like she's a little rigid in her thinking. Is she really young? I was that way in my 20's. I don't add new prospects anymore to my fb until we start to get serious. I don't have anything to hide, but it just seems to create unnecessary drama. Talked to new guy for hours last night. I've never done that with a guy from online, because it's a waste of time to put the cart before the horse. I regret it, but I guess we'll see each other in a couple of days so I can see whether or not it's a hit or miss. He's very easy to talk to. And he's an open book. A rare thing for online.
Sanman Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 You're probably tired of multidating, it is a lot of work. Which is fine. You should do whatever is comfortable. But for my personal experience, usually when I give up multidating, I later end up regretting it. Because the people you meet are still going to be the same -- 90% crap, whether you multidate or not. I'll be the first to admit I DO NOT have good judge of character, especially when it comes to attractive women. So multidating makes sense for me. But I can see people that have great judge of character can just zoom in on one person and be done with it. I think it's too early to tell if this guy is a douche. Like I mentioned, whether you multidate or not, you still have to go through the same process of discovery. I hope you discover this guy to be genuine. But don't forget to manage your expectations. I notice that for me, being that I'm used to multidating, when I switch to non-multidating, I have a difficult time managing my involvement with the only woman I'm seeing, then I make all the newbie mistakes I tell other people not to make. The reason I stopped multi-dating was not the fact that most people still sucked. It had to with making the hard choices. What happens when one woman is the smartest, the other is the prettiest, and the third is the nicest. It becomes very hard to accept any shortcomings in another when you are comparing them to other dates. I always ended up making the wrong choice when multi-dating and often regretted not making a different choice. That was the part that frustrated me the most. Also, OLD is not that bad if you are Asian, at least IME.
Sanman Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 and if there weren't something wrong with these guys, why would they be doing OLD? I do it because NYC is a big place and there are not that many single, educated women my age living where I do. Rather than troll overpriced Manhattan bars for possibilities, I choose to spend that time with friends and meet the many women I know are single online. It really saves time and money if you use a large free site like OKC.
truth_seeker Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 and if there weren't something wrong with these guys, why would they be doing OLD? This goes both ways. I tried OLD because I was frustrated with meeting flakes at clubs and bars. I also tried OLD because I was curious since I have friends who had some success dating people from OLD. To the OP: You seem like a nice girl. I hope it works out for you, but be cautious with this guy as he could be a con-artist.
nofool4u Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 He doesn't multi date, and said that I'd be only the 2nd woman that he's ever met from online dating and he's done it for a year. Which is good, because I don't want to date any more guys that are dating half of the city. What's the point? If you don't know what you want, you're wasting my time. I completely agree. I found out someone I was dating was also dating a couple other guys. So I told her that its best we don't see each other anymore. When she asked why and I told her its because she is seeing 2 other guys I found out about, she got defensive and said we didn't have a commitment, even though she admits that is what she was working towards. I told her "then you are going about it the wrong way". 2
fishtaco Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 So, I mention I'm sick of multi dating. And then I get an email from another great potential. God has a sick sense of timing. Happens all the time. Hence I believe in multidating, or rather, go with the flow... multidate when the situation calls for it, don't multidate when it doesn't. Do whatever you feel comfortable, and suits your purpose. I think declaring "I always do this", or "I always don't do this", is putting a limitation on yourself. As a big proponent of multidating, I sometimes don't do it. Like Bruce Lee said... be like water. Or something like that. Adapt to the situation. The reason I stopped multi-dating was not the fact that most people still sucked. It had to with making the hard choices. What happens when one woman is the smartest, the other is the prettiest, and the third is the nicest. It becomes very hard to accept any shortcomings in another when you are comparing them to other dates. I always ended up making the wrong choice when multi-dating and often regretted not making a different choice. That was the part that frustrated me the most. Also, OLD is not that bad if you are Asian, at least IME. Well, I think it has more to do with my lack of OLD skills, and less to do with my Asian ethnicity. Although OKCupid has done a study that shows Latinas respond to Asian males the least. And I'm an Asian male that likes Latinas, so my claim isn't completely baseless. But I was getting successes in RL, so I don't see why I would want to go OLD and make things more difficult for myself.
mysteryscape Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I see the problems with multidating but I think it's unrealistic to expect people who are doing OLD not to do multi. I don't know if you are doing OLD but even if you're not, it's unrealistic to expect people you are dating to be "exclusive" (I hate that word) from the get-go. It's just not part of the "rules" because there are no rules, for better or worse. I just think it's best to let everyone know what you're doing at a very early stage. How to do that in a way that is not awkward, heaven knows. There's an image -- whether it was true or not -- that back in the "old days" it was routine to "see" many people, before "going steady" and all that. It's been mentioned at this site before, probably many times. The way that worked is that it was before the sexual revolution -- women were expected to be chaste (and to a large extent probably were); men were expected to treat women like ladies. Even to write this makes it sound so quaint to my ears. Women's sexuality was largely suppressed by comparison with today. And even kissing was a big step -- according to legend, you didn't even kiss someone unless you were "serious" i.e. ready to make some sort of commitment, with exclusivity assumed. Even though this all sounds like it is based on fiction, and probably was, it avoided the problems today -- of committing too fast (from seeing only one person at a time, who might or might not really be a good match); or of multiple romances, sexual intimacies at various levels (is my multidater friend kissing, making out with, sleeping with others like he/she is with me?) and the associated suspicion, jealousy, bad faith, etc. etc. that so many people seem to be concerned about here.
fishtaco Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 I see the problems with multidating but I think it's unrealistic to expect people who are doing OLD not to do multi. I don't know if you are doing OLD but even if you're not, it's unrealistic to expect people you are dating to be "exclusive" (I hate that word) from the get-go. It's just not part of the "rules" because there are no rules, for better or worse. I just think it's best to let everyone know what you're doing at a very early stage. How to do that in a way that is not awkward, heaven knows. There's an image -- whether it was true or not -- that back in the "old days" it was routine to "see" many people, before "going steady" and all that. It's been mentioned at this site before, probably many times. The way that worked is that it was before the sexual revolution -- women were expected to be chaste (and to a large extent probably were); men were expected to treat women like ladies. Even to write this makes it sound so quaint to my ears. Women's sexuality was largely suppressed by comparison with today. And even kissing was a big step -- according to legend, you didn't even kiss someone unless you were "serious" i.e. ready to make some sort of commitment, with exclusivity assumed. Even though this all sounds like it is based on fiction, and probably was, it avoided the problems today -- of committing too fast (from seeing only one person at a time, who might or might not really be a good match); or of multiple romances, sexual intimacies at various levels (is my multidater friend kissing, making out with, sleeping with others like he/she is with me?) and the associated suspicion, jealousy, bad faith, etc. etc. that so many people seem to be concerned about here. Good post. But I suspect, even back in the legendary old days, when you're just going out for burgers and shakes with multiple people because you're not "going steady" yet, there will be haters calling them immoral anyway. Afterall, they're having burgers and shakes with more than one person. Jealousy, suspicion, and all that still applies. The problem stayed the same: How do you date but not commit because well, you can't know a person until after you've interacted with them in a significant manner? I think even the staunchest proponents of non-multidating would tell you that you shouldn't commit immediately. And no matter how truthful you are, and how much of a high road you're on, there will always be someone pointing fingers at you because they are on an even higher road.
BetheButterfly Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 Having been a little jaded with online dating, I have been discovering the big wide world of *gasp* meeting people in real life. It's been pretty awesome, but so far nothing has really progressed. I think that hanging out with groups of people is great, but sometimes the guys seem a little reluctant to put themselves out there and get shot down in front of their friends. But I'll say that it's been pretty good not feeling like one of many options. During the past month or so, haven't really gone out with anyone online, and instead have been meeting people in social settings. And wouldn't you know, a pretty good potential guy contacted me out of the blue online. I had almost turned off my profile a month ahead of the expiration. We have a bit in common. He sounds really grounded. He's not newly divorced and looking for someone to fill the void. He doesn't multi date, and said that I'd be only the 2nd woman that he's ever met from online dating and he's done it for a year. Which is good, because I don't want to date any more guys that are dating half of the city. What's the point? If you don't know what you want, you're wasting my time. It's refreshing to feel like out of all of the profiles online, this guy chose me. I just hope he looks like his photos... Hello Daphne, I didn't like the concept of multi-dating. When my husband and I met via online, it made me so happy that he was the one, after our first conversation on the phone, to say he was taking off his profile!!! I literally danced with glee, cause it's so common nowadays for guys to keep "looking" while dating, which I believe to be anti-productive. It was wonderful to have his full attention since he picked me, and I him! We have been married since September and we are even more in love now than when we were when we first met face to face!!!
oaks Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 As for webcam girl, sounds like she's a little rigid in her thinking. Is she really young? I was that way in my 20's. I don't add new prospects anymore to my fb until we start to get serious. I don't have anything to hide, but it just seems to create unnecessary drama. No, she was mid 30s.
Author daphne Posted June 16, 2012 Author Posted June 16, 2012 I told her "then you are going about it the wrong way". Lol. To a certain degree, I agree. I think that early on there's nothing wrong with seeing a couple of different people that you like to see who may be more compatible. But at a certain point it's time to pick one that you see has the best potential at the time. I am not of the variety that has ever multi dated while sleeping with someone. That's just gross. Hello Daphne, I didn't like the concept of multi-dating. When my husband and I met via online, it made me so happy that he was the one, after our first conversation on the phone, to say he was taking off his profile!!! I literally danced with glee, cause it's so common nowadays for guys to keep "looking" while dating, which I believe to be anti-productive. It was wonderful to have his full attention since he picked me, and I him! We have been married since September and we are even more in love now than when we were when we first met face to face!!! Your husband is one of the rare guys online then. I had one guy even go back online after the exclusivity talk because he was "curious." uh huh. Overall, it seemed that a lot of the guys were just milling through as many women as possible because they didn't seem to know what they wanted. Congratulations on your success. No, she was mid 30s. Maybe she has been burned before by a guy who had something to hide. That tends to make for some rigid rules to protect oneself from it happening again.
Author daphne Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Ahhhhh. He was a cutie. Great first date. :bunny: 1
mysteryscape Posted June 17, 2012 Posted June 17, 2012 Cute? Or Hot? (Relates to another discussion!)
Author daphne Posted June 17, 2012 Author Posted June 17, 2012 Cute? Or Hot? (Relates to another discussion!) More cute than hot. He looked better than his pictures. I didn't know that happen.
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