Please Help Me!

[cyprus4]

Here's my story, I am sorry it's so long.

 

3 1/2 years ago I had an affair, the biggest mistake of mylife. I didn't think my wife loved me anymore so I decided to move on. We endedup working on things and stayed together. I owned a bar at the time which isnot conducive towards a family. I would occasionally get texts from femalecustomers who were flirty with me, yes I would flirt back but that was theextent of it. I wouldn't delete them and my wife would see them. I didn't tellher they were there but I didn't hide it either. February of 2011 I left thebar, gave my shares to my business partner and decided it was time I focused onmy wife and son. Things in my eyes were really starting to go well. We werestarting to do things together as a family and to be honest it last year wasthe happiest year of my life. Yes I had some minor hic ups with flirty texts.In August we sat down and talked and I gave her a knee jerk reaction, but Ifixed the problem.

 

November 1st was our 14th wedding anniversary, 3 days beforethat she drops the bomb. "I love you but I'm not in love with you","You're toxic to our relationship", "I want a divorce". Iasked if there was another man and she said no. A week later a text comethrough on her phone "hey hun, how did you sleep last night?". Thiswas labeled as mom, but it wasn't her mother. I called the number spoke to aguy named Ken, asked him politely to stop speaking with my wife, he yelled atme and told me to go **** myself. When I confronted her about it she completelydenied it and lied to me until I told her I had spoken to him, she then says heis just a friend. I look at her phone bill, 4500 text messages in the course of3 weeks. She tells me she will stop speaking to him, but she doesn't. We go tomarriage counseling and she refused to do any of the work. She then moves out 3days after xmas.

 

6 weeks after she moved out she filed for divorce, the nextday she goes on her first date with this guy, a week later she sleeps over hishouse. 2 days later I get a text message from this guy with a naked picture ofher sleeping and a long text basically just rubbing it in my face. She waspissed at him but he was able to talk his way right back into her head. He thenstarted to threaten me, my house was broken into, I was assaulted by him andhis friends and the harassing text messages continued. I spent a few nightswith her and she had broken it off with him and things were looking up. I lefttown for a few days and I come back to him having sweat talked his way backinto her head. The text messages continue, they are all button pushing thattrigger me emotionally. I have given everything to the police butunfortunately, there isn't much they can do. He also has her believing that Iam harassing myself, even though every single time I get a message it sends meon a downward spiral and just makes things worse for us.

 

She still tells me she cares about me and that she stillloves me as a friend and the father of our child but that she doesn't want tobe with me anymore. Some days she is really nice to me, other days she can bevery mean and hurtful. When she sees our son sad and crying because of what isgoing on, she blames me and yells at me.

 

What do I do? I am still head over heels in love with mywife. I want my wife and my family back. She knows I am still in love with her.I have tried to do the emotional 180 thing that people talk about and I do goodfor a few weeks and then it all goes to ****, usually because of the harassingtext messages. How do I earn her trust and love back? I have given hereverything, my phone bill account, my face book pw, she knows my email pw. Whatdo I do?

Edited June 11, 2012 by cyprus4

[cyprus4]

Just to add one more thing. We never used to argue, infact we never argued until this guy cam into our lives and 9 out of 10 arguments we have some how and some way involve him or start because of him.

[2.50 a gallon]

I know you love her, but the truth is she is no good, you deserve better.

 

Being a nice buy, begging, sending flowers and trying to win her back does nothing, in fact makes matter worse.

 

Do you still have connections with the bar?

 

If so, return, and get back into the flirting and dating scene.

 

Then send her a series of photos,

 

First photo - Knock out blonde in her 20's,

 

Second photo - Knock out redhead

 

Third photo - Knock out brunette

 

Fourth photo - Knock out blonde in her 20's Title it second date

 

And at the same time have her send a message thanking your STBXW for giving you your freedom.

 

Being as you have his email address

 

Have another set of women send photos to him and them flirting with him like they are having an affair with him.

 

Make your EX think that he is double crossing her and seeing other women.

[2sunny]

Divorce her. Best way is to move forward.

 

Is she working? Paying her OWN way?

 

Change your passwords! She cheated - she should be the one showing transparency now - but she's not.

 

Don't communicate unless it's an emergency.

[96nole]

OK, I'm just going to be blunt. Your wife is a f*cking c*nt. She is openly cheating on you. Her dirtbag boyfriend is tormenting you. She knows what he is doing. Don't think she doesn't. And she is stringing you along just enough so her dirtbag can keep tormenting you.

 

The dirtbag is no different than any school ground bully. He likes showing off what a big tough guy he is. He took your wife and he knows he is getting to you by texting you. He will keep doing it because it makes him feel like a tough guy.

 

Your whore of a wife (sorry if that offends you, but the truth needs to be told) likes having a 'tough' guy chase her. She like seeing you get hurt. She feels powerful. She essentially has two men wanting her. How else would he be able to so easily talk his way back to her.

 

Just so you know, I was sort of in the same situation. My ex-whore was cheating with a wanna-be tough guy. He was always a big talker on the phone or on Facebook. He shut up when I told him he always knows where I am. She is still with him. We are divorced for a few weeks now. And I never want to she that whore ever again. There is nothing good about her. I don't ever want a cancer like her in my life again.

 

You need to feel the same way. As much as you don't want to and as much as it will hurt, you need to cut all contact with her regarding everything except your kid. Divorce her. She is no good for you. You will never have again what you had. You'll always know that she was with that dirtbag and was enjoying what it was doing to you.

 

Take 2.50's advice. He doesn't say much, but he is spot on. If you start sending pics of you with other women, your wife will think you have moved on and she will lose her power.

 

What they have won't last. Once he thinks he's conquered her, he will move on to his next challenge. You need to focus on you and your kid. and focus on getting her as far out of your life as you can.

[Steen719]

Here's my story, I am sorry it's so long..

 

6 weeks after she moved out she filed for divorce, the nextday she goes on her first date with this guy, a week later she sleeps over hishouse. 2 days later I get a text message from this guy with a naked picture ofher sleeping and a long text basically just rubbing it in my face. She waspissed at him but he was able to talk his way right back into her head. He thenstarted to threaten me, my house was broken into, I was assaulted by him andhis friends and the harassing text messages continued. I spent a few nightswith her and she had broken it off with him and things were looking up. I lefttown for a few days and I come back to him having sweat talked his way backinto her head. The text messages continue, they are all button pushing thattrigger me emotionally. I have given everything to the police butunfortunately, there isn't much they can do. He also has her believing that Iam harassing myself, even though every single time I get a message it sends meon a downward spiral and just makes things worse for us.

 

 

I am not in law enforcement, so I am asking this with no knowledge.....but I believe Blue Knight is, so maybe he will read this and respond.

 

I don't understand why the police can't do anything about him harassing you. They can tell that it is from his phone.

What about the assault? Why can't anyone be charged? I can see if you can't prove the break-in, but the other stuff, you should be able to.

 

Anyway, I would block him from calling you. I would not answer her calls, but tell her she can leave you a message. If he continues to call or text you, you know she has given him her phone to do it.

 

You are getting good advice here. One thing I might add is that I really despise what my XH has done to me and I think he is lower than dirt. Bad stuff from him...hurtful, many years..blah, blah, blah. But, I can never imagine allowing anyone I was dating, living with, married to or even just friends with to do that to another person, even him. The woman you knew is gone, cyprus4, gone, gone. You need to realize that soon and take back your respect. Quit allowing her to do this to you. She is with an immature idiot and that is her choice.

 

Divorce her. Best way is to move forward.

 

Is she working? Paying her OWN way?

 

Change your passwords! She cheated - she should be the one showing transparency now - but she's not.

 

Don't communicate unless it's an emergency.

Above from 2sunny ^^^^^Quit talking to her, quit texting and do nothing with her in any way other than brief conversations with her about son.

 

Change your passwords right now.

 

If you don't take back your self respect, she will have killed it and you will be broken. LET HER GO!!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE HER ANYMORE.

 

I know it hurts...really. It does get better. {{{HUGS}}}

[standtall]

She is gone bro..right this one off and move on. As a parting gift, make sure you put that naked picture of her online and make sure they both know.

[Radu]

I think the OP is from the country of Cyprus.

If i'm right, the police there [and Greece] is highly incompetent and lazy.

 

OP, get a divorce and protect yourself.

I mean it, leave information with the police/lawyer that if anything happens to you these ppl [with your wife at the head and these men] are to be blamed.

Talk with her family, go to the presses and keep backup of all the info.

 

Basically, you need to psychologically punch your wife in the face and assert some ****ing dominance over this or else your child will grow up with these *******s as rolemodels.

[Owl]

The OP's location shows as NH...so I'm assuming New Hampshire.

 

Given that...I'm figuring the "punch your wife in the face and assert dominance" advice probably wouldn't be your best bet.

 

I agree with investigating a little more about why the police can't do anything about the harassment, threats, and assault.

 

I also agree with moving on...she's made her choice...let her suffer her own consequences. If this other guy ever calls/contacts you again...let him know he can keep her.

 

If the issues with this guy continue...keep documenting EVERYTHING, and do whatever you need to in order to protect yourself and your son.

[Radu]

I said :

you need to psychologically punch your wife in the face and assert some ****ing dominance over this

 

It was a metaphor for taking control of the situation instead of moping about.

 

He should get lawyered up and file for D immediately, protect himself and his daughter.

[Owl]

I said :

 

 

It was a metaphor for taking control of the situation instead of moping about.

 

He should get lawyered up and file for D immediately, protect himself and his daughter.

 

I should have read your first post better...my apologies.

 

And I agree with your advice completely.

[Snowflower]

Interesting responses.

 

OP, your wife decided for whatever reason to walk down the same path of infidelity that you did 3.5 years ago and more recently (last year, I think) with flirty texts.

 

I am not saying what your wife has done/is doing is right by any standard. Your marriage is most likely over at this point so it is time to attend to the legal matters.

 

But seriously...why all the outrage and upset? You cheated on her first and then flirted repeatedly. Double-standards, perhaps?

[d'Arthez]

Did people miss this bit?

3 1/2 years ago I had an affair, the biggest mistake of mylife.

 

Did OP's wife find out? Did they talk through it? Or what?

[Snowflower]

 

3 1/2 years ago I had an affair, the biggest mistake of mylife. I didn't think my wife loved me anymore so I decided to move on. We endedup working on things and stayed together. I owned a bar at the time which isnot conducive towards a family. I would occasionally get texts from femalecustomers who were flirty with me, yes I would flirt back but that was theextent of it. I wouldn't delete them and my wife would see them. I didn't tellher they were there but I didn't hide it either. February of 2011 I left thebar, gave my shares to my business partner and decided it was time I focused onmy wife and son. Things in my eyes were really starting to go well. We werestarting to do things together as a family and to be honest it last year wasthe happiest year of my life. Yes I had some minor hic ups with flirty texts.In August we sat down and talked and I gave her a knee jerk reaction, but Ifixed the problem.

 

 

 

I know you love her, but the truth is she is no good, you deserve better.

 

Being a nice buy, begging, sending flowers and trying to win her back does nothing, in fact makes matter worse.

 

Do you still have connections with the bar?

 

If so, return, and get back into the flirting and dating scene.

 

Then send her a series of photos,

 

First photo - Knock out blonde in her 20's,

 

Second photo - Knock out redhead

 

Third photo - Knock out brunette

 

Fourth photo - Knock out blonde in her 20's Title it second date

 

And at the same time have her send a message thanking your STBXW for giving you your freedom.

 

Being as you have his email address

 

Have another set of women send photos to him and them flirting with him like they are having an affair with him.

 

Make your EX think that he is double crossing her and seeing other women.

 

Re...the bolded...the OP already had an affair and did this type of flirty behavior and look where it got him...did anyone read his thread opener?

 

OP...if you stand any chance of getting your wife back, do not retaliate this way. There has been repeated cheating on your part and now she has returned "the favor."

 

What are your thoughts, OP?

[andyg99]

don't listen to the advice about sending pictures back... just move on, your marriage is most likely over - maybe you thought you two had gotten past your affairs but in reality she might have never forgiven you.

 

Except in very, very RARE cases - Affairs = the end of a marriage even if the couple stays together...

[Steen719]

Yeah, I read about his affair and saw that both are responsible for this mess. I just think the fact that the OM is attacking him is wrong...texts, physically, pics..everything. He just needs to move on. What andy said is right....this is most likely done and everything else is extraneous. I would pursue the legal aspects of the divorce and the assaults.