Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I am not a "Rules" advocate. At all. I think that advice stinks also. I would NEVER wait five days to return a man's call. That reeks of indifference. My advice to the OP is to simply not be as available to this guy who is clearly ambivalent about what he wants with her. He's getting all the benefits of having her as a girlfriend, without actually having to say it. Why SHOULDN'T she be busier living her own life, without making him the center of it? Big difference between that and the "rules". If this girl was blowing you off for lunch dates that's one thing, but were you telling her you didn't want a commitment? Frankly she sounded uninterested, not a "rules" girl.
InJest Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Maybe I will say 'I enjoy seeing you, but I gather from our phone conversation yesterday that you arent ready to be my boyfriend yet, despite knowing me for three months. Given that, perhaps I asked for exclusivity too early then' and leave it right there and see what he says. Couldn't have said it better myself, that should do it. Well actually, you should add that it may be good for the two of you to see other people.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 "I strongly advise against playing silly little "Oh, look how busy and full my life is! I can't see you tonight! Hopefully this will make you want to be my boyfriend someday!" games. Those are games. And they don't work. Want to know why? Any guy you have to manipulate into liking you DOESN'T LIKE YOU." This isn't in an attempt to manipulate anything. This is putting herself and her life first. Men just happen to be very attracted to women who do this. It's not acting uninterested, or unreceptive. I really don't understand why this is so hard to grasp. Why act like the girlfriend if he isn't trying to make you one? 1
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 " I really don't understand why this is so hard to grasp. Why act like the girlfriend if he isn't trying to make you one? Why see him at all? If he doesn't want her, he doesn't want her. Sitting around being an audience to her SUPER AWESOME BUSY life isn't going to change his mind. So, rather than play games with him, she should cut him loose.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I don't think it's games. She can continue to see him if she likes him. Why not? But she shouldn't be ruling out other options, either. If he doesn't want the commitment, big whoop - that leaves her open to dating other dudes. You're missing the point. Women should have "SUPER AWESOME BUSY" lives anyway. Don't you? If he doesn't want to be a part of it in a meaningful way, his loss.
dasein Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 The question is why not see him? OP and dude enjoy each other's company, why not let that run for awhile? Ultimatums are never a good idea for someone who feels pressure, he may feel one way yet take a stand the other way due to principle and past experiene with pushy, flaky, fickle women. Had OP come into this stating "I want a relationship," and three months go by, sure, walk, but that's not how this was started. She was out of a relationship and stated she wasn't looking for something serious. Dude complied with her wishes. Now he is being asked for commitment from the woman who started out casual. That is incentive for any smart, reasonable person to keep things slow for awhile and exercise caution. Men with options will not be pushed into relationships merely because she thinks one is her due after a certain point. Those are the high quality men. If OP wants to get a relationship with a warm body as opposed to earning one with a man of quality, she can probably set that up within a week. The disconnect in all these threads is in thinking quality men are sitting there waiting to be fitted into an agenda the instant she deems so on her terms entirely. No, sorry, doesn't work that way, and if a particular woman doesn't like that, she can lower her standards and take one of millions of twits with no options who are ready and willing to step and fetchit.
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 You're missing the point. Women should have "SUPER AWESOME BUSY" lives anyway. Don't you? If he doesn't want to be a part of it in a meaningful way, his loss. Yeah, my life is so super awesome busy that I don't need an audience to live it. I put myself first by not letting some dude string me along in the first place and not 'seeing' him while secretly trying to woo him. I don't have secret agendas. I don't have time for them. I'm too busy leading my super awesome busy life to play games with a little boy too afraid of the be R-word to notice that I'm worth keeping around.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Ok Janesays, if that's how you approach your relationships, then that's your style. How's that working out for you? Because honestly I detect a little bit of anger in your posts. So attractive to men. To me, men are people I just have fun with and date on the sidelines, and if one rises to the top as boyfriend material, awesome. I don't have an "audience", I just live my life. And guess what? I never find myself needing to have the "talk", with any dude.
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Ok Janesays, if that's how you approach your relationships, then that's your style. How's that working out for you? Because honestly I detect a little bit of anger in your posts. So attractive to men. To me, men are people I just have fun with and date on the sidelines, and if one rises to the top as boyfriend material, awesome. I don't have an "audience", I just live my life. And guess what? I never find myself needing to have the "talk", with any dude. Well, pretty good. I'm in a long term relationship with a really great guy who puts up with all my nonsense and wants to marry me and give me itty bitty awesome babies. I can't say enough wonderful things about him. Re-read my past posts for proof. And, for the record, we had been seeing each other for 3 months when I had 'the talk' with him. I said I was ready for more and if he wasn't, he should let me know because I didn't want to waste time on something that wasn't going anywhere. He actually agreed and we've been exclusive ever since. About 9 months after that, HE initiated the M word. Which, I'm weary of, being that my last marriage turned me off a little to the institution. But that's another post for another day. Further, if I'm coming across as angry, it's really not much about this thread. Another thread is making me a bit emotional, though. I apologize if that's bleeding over here. Regardless, part of being an adult means being able to maturely, honestly, and openly discuss your wants, needs, and relationship issues like grown ups. Game playing is so high school. Edited June 12, 2012 by Janesays
Author GKM Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) . Regardless, part of being an adult means being able to maturely, honestly, and openly discuss your wants, needs, and relationship issues like grown ups. Game playing is so high school. Couldnt have said it better myself. Games are SO highschool. The outcome of all of this is so positive I didnt play games. I discussed my needs with him at dinner. He said that Im the most amazing girl he has ever met, but the commitment was a pretty big deal and he usually likes to take it slow on these things. Now, a lot of people on here would have screamed 'player!' but I trust in my judgement of character still, despite having been broken up with recently. However, I know my own boundaries and limitations, and said I had to walk away and let him come to a decision. I told him I want someone who is as into me as Im into them. I was developing feelings for him and couldnt handle auditioning for the part of girlfriend for months. I didnt contact him for THREE days and gave him space to think (which was hard, I really fought the urge to text him! But considering I was already putting pressure on him I didnt want to add more pressure to the mix) We talked some more and clarified what it means to the both of us, and he said he would like to commit to me and be my boyfriend. . Edited June 15, 2012 by GKM
Janesays Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 We talked some more and clarified what it means to the both of us, and he said he would like to commit to me and be my boyfriend. . Told you so! Seriously, congrats! Way to be a grown up in a grown up relationship. Now please have so much fun being in love that you can't stand it!
luvinthesun Posted June 15, 2012 Posted June 15, 2012 We met after I got outta a long relationship, in March. I told him I wasnt looking for anything super serious, just seeing where things went. We hung out for a few weeks, then I went to Australia for 22 days to visit family. He emailed me consistently throughout that time. We have been hanging out a lot since I got back, weekends and during the week too. He said he hasnt spent this much time with a girl, not even his exes, and really enjoys my company. However...Ive grown to really like him, and want him to be my boyfriend. When I brought up the boyfriend topic he says he doesnt like pressure on stuff like that and wants to keep hanging out with me and he enjoys that, but doesnt know where things will go from there. That kind of hurts my feelings, I feel like if he thinks Im so great he should know if he wants to date me or not. Should I walk away and see if he follows, or be patient with him? He shows boyfriend potential in a lot of ways, even offered to lend me money for school! Ok - so if he doesnt want to be your bf does he see other people and do you
Author GKM Posted June 15, 2012 Author Posted June 15, 2012 Told you so! Seriously, congrats! Way to be a grown up in a grown up relationship. Now please have so much fun being in love that you can't stand it! Thank you for your advice !!
daphne Posted June 16, 2012 Posted June 16, 2012 Congratulations on communicating your needs/boundaries and backing off and letting him make his own decision. It's a necessary skill to negotiating in a relationship. Even if you had not gotten teh desired result, it was the healthiest approach in my opinion.
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