Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) You sound really gullible and desperate. Being into you, doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship. I'm just gonna grab a bucket of popcorn for this one. oh, and just because I want to call him my boyfriend doesnt mean it has to be Serious with a capital S. Is the term 'boyfriend' really THAT huge a deal?! 12 year olds use it all the time lol. To me, its about a more secure, less wishy washy level of commitment, but its still about having fun together Traveling the world etc. Seeing if your lives and dreams fit together...or dont SERIOUS relationship sounds so ... 'til death do us part' ..morbid Hmmm...maybe THATS what I should let him know. Explain what I view 'boyfriend' as...because in the past he has dated Southern religious girls who want to get married and have babies ASAP...and Im not like that... maybe to him 'boyfriend' means I can see myself marrying you... Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM
veggirl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 He hasnt flat out said no...he has been wishy washy though.. There are a lot of mixed messages here..for instance, when I was telling him how because my parents are dead I have no backup support in this world if **** goes bad he said 'I can be your support. If you dont want to take out school loans I can loan you the money interest free.' And he is trying to become a vegetarian because I am, not that Ive said anything to him about it except that I dont eat meat! Kind of signs hes into me.. So..its not cut and dry...so Im trying to get different perspectives and ideas. So far Ive gathered valuable advice on asking more veiled questions that will reveal more about his past, and Single Guy's perspective was very informative too! Re: wishy washy. In my experience a guy is NOT wishy washy if he is truly interested. And there aren't mixed messages. Those are both really bad signs imo. If you are looking for signs that he is really into you...another bad sign. I think you need to sit down with yourself and figure out your boundaries. How long are you willing to give him to figure out if he wants to be your BF? I wouldn't give a guy more than 3 months. If he has issues that run so deeply he can't committ within that time then he ain't BF material for me! You should figure out your acceptable timeframe, and stick to it. I don't think asking for a title is nagging, and you are doing a disservice to yourself by labeling it as such--don't discount or put down your feelings for his benefit.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Re: wishy washy. In my experience a guy is NOT wishy washy if he is truly interested. And there aren't mixed messages. Those are both really bad signs imo. If you are looking for signs that he is really into you...another bad sign. I think you need to sit down with yourself and figure out your boundaries. How long are you willing to give him to figure out if he wants to be your BF? I wouldn't give a guy more than 3 months. If he has issues that run so deeply he can't committ within that time then he ain't BF material for me! You should figure out your acceptable timeframe, and stick to it. I don't think asking for a title is nagging, and you are doing a disservice to yourself by labeling it as such--don't discount or put down your feelings for his benefit. Truth. Maybe I will let him know what I mean by 'boyfriend' and ask him tonight, screw it happening organically...ahhh I hope Im not ruining a good thing though How do I even phrase it... Im thinking that maybe I open with the fact that Im trying to appreciate his non-verbal signs he likes me etc...but Im not really strongly understanding if he wants a relationship with me or not, that I would feel more comfortable if I could call him my boyfriend? Or should I say it in a more positive way?! Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM
dasein Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 You set the parameters from the start as casual and measured pace in light of a recent breakup. He responded with consistent attention and courtship, complying with -your- wishes. Now the minute you start getting emotionally involved, you want more and tell him so. He's no fool, and only a fool discards his own pace when faced with an insistent woman. In light of how you started things, he likely wants to see if you are sincere or will turn hot/cold on him before commiting. He may even be wondering if he's just the rebound. Why should he give you something the instant you want it as opposed to moving at the established pace you yourself set? Pressure would be a red flag in my book too in light of the way you framed the relationship from the start. Give it some time and lay off the pressure. I disagree thoroughly with some of the advice here that he is using or playing you. Don't be like Veruca Salt, "now daddy I want it NOW!" Good luck.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) You set the parameters from the start as casual and measured pace in light of a recent breakup. He responded with consistent attention and courtship, complying with -your- wishes. Now the minute you start getting emotionally involved, you want more and tell him so. He's no fool, and only a fool discards his own pace when faced with an insistent woman. In light of how you started things, he likely wants to see if you are sincere or will turn hot/cold on him before commiting. He may even be wondering if he's just the rebound. Why should he give you something the instant you want it as opposed to moving at the established pace you yourself set? Pressure would be a red flag in my book too in light of the way you framed the relationship from the start. Give it some time and lay off the pressure. I disagree thoroughly with some of the advice here that he is using or playing you. Don't be like Veruca Salt, "now daddy I want it NOW!" Good luck. Your last line cracked me up I did just calculate how long we have known eachother and its been 3 months and seven days, discounting a month in Australia which I think cant really count - despite emailing eachother it was still a break in the relationship. Given that isnt a huuuuge amount of time perhaps I wont bring it up tonight...but I would like clarify with him a little more what I mean about the boyfriend thing and that I wont wait forever (I feel the need to clarify due to him stating he is emotionally not that smart- I want it to be clear so he can't claim ignorance ont he issue)...how does one bring that up clearly without all him hearing is 'PRESSURE' Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM
dasein Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Withdraw some and maybe even look into other options. If you have none at the moment, get out and cultivate some. This is the healthiest thing to do in this type of situation anyway. Don't be aloof, just don't be right there waiting. He sounds like a pretty good guy based on what you have posted, wants you in his life, bringing you around friends, didn't drop interest when you were out of town. If there's interest, he will likely keep being assertive and asking you out. As long as -that's- going well, be happy with it until you get a few months down the road. If he starts wanting you just for sex, that will become obvious and time to move on entirely if that's not what you want. If it gets to be 6 months or so and he wants to keep moving at a slow pace without commiting, then decide whether to stay or not.
InJest Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 He's going to hear, PRESSURE. That's what it is. Be prepared for him to take a big step backward when you bring this up. Why is it so hard for you to accept that he doesn't want to be bound to you?
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Withdraw some and maybe even look into other options. If you have none at the moment, get out and cultivate some. This is the healthiest thing to do in this type of situation anyway. Don't be aloof, just don't be right there waiting. He sounds like a pretty good guy based on what you have posted, wants you in his life, bringing you around friends, didn't drop interest when you were out of town. If there's interest, he will likely keep being assertive and asking you out. As long as -that's- going well, be happy with it until you get a few months down the road. If he starts wanting you just for sex, that will become obvious and time to move on entirely if that's not what you want. If it gets to be 6 months or so and he wants to keep moving at a slow pace without commiting, then decide whether to stay or not. Thanks for the advice. Perhaps withdrawing rather than adding pressure is the best tactic Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM
InJest Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Thanks for the advice. Perhaps withdrawing rather than adding pressure is the best tactic Works pretty much every time.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Works pretty much every time. My question then is- how to make it apparent that you have withdrawn a bit? If aloof but still availible, I assume I would still hang out with him when he asks, and so how would he know the difference?
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Just walk. If a guy is mad for you, he won't let you go. If he does, you have your answer. And if he doesn't like you after 3 months, he doesn't like you. Period. 1
RiverRunning Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 ONLY 4 relationships and he's 30? Four relationships isn't exactly a small amount, especially if he's had non-serious things on the side. You know, like pseudo-girlfriends...like what he's trying to lead you into. At the very least, after issuing the "I don't know about this" statement, he could tell you: "I understand dating means a lot to you. I will have an answer for you by (x) time." Sure, I could roll with that, assuming he gives a FAIR amount of time (i.e., a few weeks, not six months). But he gets no extensions beyond that. But if he's just going to ask you not to 'pressure him?' I'd say, "No pressure here," and completely vanish from his life. He can't have it both ways unless you give it to him. 1
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 ONLY 4 relationships and he's 30? Four relationships isn't exactly a small amount, especially if he's had non-serious things on the side. You know, like pseudo-girlfriends...like what he's trying to lead you into. At the very least, after issuing the "I don't know about this" statement, he could tell you: "I understand dating means a lot to you. I will have an answer for you by (x) time." Sure, I could roll with that, assuming he gives a FAIR amount of time (i.e., a few weeks, not six months). But he gets no extensions beyond that. But if he's just going to ask you not to 'pressure him?' I'd say, "No pressure here," and completely vanish from his life. He can't have it both ways unless you give it to him. Oh boy, half an hour until my rather unprodcutive work day comes to a close and I go see him at the station for dinner..and I think Im going to at least talk to him a bit about it. If that scares him off he isnt worth having in my life
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Oh boy, half an hour until my rather unprodcutive work day comes to a close and I go see him at the station for dinner..and I think Im going to at least talk to him a bit about it. If that scares him off he isnt worth having in my life Good for you, GKM! GOOD LUCK!
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 GKM I'll tell you how you back off. You start becoming busy with your own life again and stop worrying about whether this guy wants to commit or not. Trust me, he'll pick up on this confident vibe and THAT'S what men are attracted to. I would not bring up the "talk". Men don't respond well to that. Men are action-oriented and will react more to what you DO rather than what you SAY. And what you want to tell him, with your actions, is that you're a confident, busy woman who is happy with her life, and that any dude would be lucky to have a piece of it. Start turning down dates every now and then because you already have plans. I think women sell themselves short when they agree to exclusivity without commitment because while you're not dating others, the guy you ARE dating still isn't giving the commitment that you want. It's a lose-lose for you. So, don't say anything. Just be happy and lighthearted. And then get busy living your life again, irregardless of whether this wishy-washy dude wants to be a part of it. 1
InJest Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 My question then is- how to make it apparent that you have withdrawn a bit? If aloof but still availible, I assume I would still hang out with him when he asks, and so how would he know the difference? Stop initiating contact altogether. Don't be as available. Next time he wants to hang out, tell him you're going out. You really should be going out and looking for other guys too. Tonight you should tell him that you think you asked for exclusivity too early. His reaction will be very telling.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Stop initiating contact altogether. Don't be as available. Next time he wants to hang out, tell him you're going out. You really should be going out and looking for other guys too. Tonight you should tell him that you think you asked for exclusivity too early. His reaction will be very telling. Maybe I will say 'I enjoy seeing you, but I gather from our phone conversation yesterday that you arent ready to be my boyfriend yet, despite knowing me for three months. Given that, perhaps I asked for exclusivity too early then' and leave it right there and see what he says.
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Nope. That's still pressure because he knows that you're expecting him to argue that, and are hoping to hear that he wants to be your boyfriend. Action, action, action. You will tell him all he needs to know by backing off and getting busy with your own sh*t. It's only then that he might feel he's losing you. Tonight, you just tell him what a great day you had, keep it lighthearted and fun, and then say you'll talk to him later. Then don't contact him again until you hear from him. THEN, you sound pleasant on the phone, but turn him down for the next date because you have this awesome dance class/running group/museum that you're busy with - perhaps another time?
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 And - this isn't playing games. This is putting yourself first. Only you can truly make yourself happy and if he doesn't step up in the way you're hoping, well then guess what you are out having fun anyway, not sitting around moping about a dude who couldn't make up his mind about you. Puh-LEEZE.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 Nope. That's still pressure because he knows that you're expecting him to argue that, and are hoping to hear that he wants to be your boyfriend. Action, action, action. You will tell him all he needs to know by backing off and getting busy with your own sh*t. It's only then that he might feel he's losing you. Tonight, you just tell him what a great day you had, keep it lighthearted and fun, and then say you'll talk to him later. Then don't contact him again until you hear from him. THEN, you sound pleasant on the phone, but turn him down for the next date because you have this awesome dance class/running group/museum that you're busy with - perhaps another time? We have already joked about how according to the 'Game' we should be turning eachother down for dates...he will know what Im doing lol
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 So you're ALWAYS available when he wants to hang out? Why?
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 So you're ALWAYS available when he wants to hang out? Why? No, not always. He knows my hobbies etc though so if Im like 'Im at the gym, or rockclimbing' he knows that legit. To not see him at all on the weekend he would know something was up
Drseussgrrl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Ok forgive me but this could be part of your problem. Why does he have the monopoly on your weekend if he isn't your boyfriend? Do you see why he doesn't feel the need to commit?
TheSingleGuy Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I went on a few dates with a "rules" girl like this. She would be unavailable for lunch dates and **** like that. Finally, she waited five days to return a call. That was the end of it. There are better women on this planet. Thanks, but no thanks. She never heard from me again. Like I said, there's some rotten advice in this thread.
Janesays Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) I strongly advise against playing silly little "Oh, look how busy and full my life is! I can't see you tonight! Hopefully this will make you want to be my boyfriend someday!" games. Those are games. And they don't work. Want to know why? Any guy you have to manipulate into liking you DOESN'T LIKE YOU. I'd say, "Look. I've been thinking about our prior conversation and it doesn't seem like you're ready or wanting of an exclusive relationship. That's OK, I understand, but I think *I* am ready. So if you're not the guy for me, I'm OK with that and think maybe we should dial it back and just be friends." Say it and MEAN IT. If he considers you girlfriend material, he will make you his. If he doesn't, he'll take the opportunity to be COMPLETELY PLATONIC friends. Be OK with EITHER. I've always been very up front and honest with what I want and I've had talks like this and I've never had a man go, "Oh nooo! You're pressuring me! Wahhhh!" They put up or they shut up. Either way, I don't waste time and maintain my self respect. Edited June 12, 2012 by Janesays
Recommended Posts