Should I wait for him to commit, or walk away now?

[GKM]

Well first off, If you're a ten I'd like to see that because I'd have a hard time imagining he'd just let go of a ten.He showed you off to his buddies at the station so I'm sure you're at least an 8.

 

The curve ball here is you've been push and pull in this entire relationship and he might just being as careful as you are to save face, he's invited you to meet family and seemed particularly interested (assumng you are a 10 could be based entirely off looks) however being that a man says he doesn't know what he wants with the future is a big red flag....because you might be a hot piece of ass but you might exactly be the serious relationship type, because that's what guys say when you aren't...never seen them just say that to bluff...so I think you're actually kinda screwed.

 

Being that you're coverng the bases though and making sure you get something out of it...not sure If you're just being a little smart or just telling yourself this so that you can say to yourself that i'm going to to just be used...because the bottom line if you have emotions that **** is going to still matter but your heart will still be broken.

 

I think you're a little crazy yourself at any rate and my prediction for this is you will definitely lose out...because in the end as fun, sizzling and entertaining this whole journey has been, men don't usually end up this kinda girl in the long-term...If he had taken you seriously I believe he would have reacted differently to prior situations instead of just not really give a damn, I think he sees you for fun. I mean what exactly do you tell yourself he needs to "figureout" to determien if yuo're relationship material? good luck answering that one, especially If you ask him! but then again probably just more BS.

 

 

hmm... I know I'm not one of 'those type of girls', I am good girlfriend material- Im practical, sweet, a good cook, educated, can hang and play xbox with the gys, empathetic and have only ever had long term relationships. I dont think he would spend as much time with me if I was just a piece of 'fun'

 

What I think he is trying to figure out is if I will hurt him or not. He's been dumped repeatedly, I think its making him a bit shy about being vulenrable again. Esp. as I just got out of a LTR...he is probably wary of being a rebound.

[GKM]

Wow!!! Absolutely fascinating. Because you met him on a dating website, somehow, in the female brain, this translates into "he must want a relationship."

 

Amazing.

 

So, does this mean the guys who approach in real life are just players 100% of the time???

 

haha lol, NO....anyone can be a player.I get the feeling he was ready to try find someone serious though, by what he said on his profile.

[GKM]

hmm... I know I'm not one of 'those type of girls', I am good girlfriend material- Im practical, sweet, a good cook, educated, can hang and play xbox with the gys, empathetic and have only ever had long term relationships. I dont think he would spend as much time with me if I was just a piece of 'fun'

 

What I think he is trying to figure out is if I will hurt him or not. He's been dumped repeatedly, I think its making him a bit shy about being vulenrable again. Esp. as I just got out of a LTR...he is probably wary of being a rebound.

 

P.S. When he met one of my friends and she asked him why he liked me, he said that he was attracted to how smart I am. We share a lot of intellectual interests and have a lot of conversation about the environment, health and religion. I constantly shock him when he asks if I've seen this or that documentary and I already have...he isn't used to dating hot but well rounded girls haha

[Ninjainpajamas]

hmm... I know I'm not one of 'those type of girls', I am good girlfriend material- Im practical, sweet, a good cook, educated, can hang and play xbox with the gys, empathetic and have only ever had long term relationships. I dont think he would spend as much time with me if I was just a piece of 'fun'

 

What I think he is trying to figure out is if I will hurt him or not. He's been dumped repeatedly, I think its making him a bit shy about being vulenrable again. Esp. as I just got out of a LTR...he is probably wary of being a rebound.

 

It doesn't matter what you think of yourself, it matters what he thinks or feels for you.

 

Also just because a guy is willing to spend a lot of time with does not mean he is interested in the long-term, that is a big assumption right there that can definitely backfire on you. If you're hot and fun to be around, why wouldn't a man spend time around you? what makes you think that only men considering long-term relationships will be interested in an attractive woman who is fun to be around/good company? especially If he's just waiting for something better to come along and it hasn't yet.

 

I also saw that he mentioned this whole getting burned thing as a possibility, but does this guy seem not attractive enough or have enough personality that women would want to leave him If he's such a good guy? a lot of guys like to bull**** women giving them their sad side of the story so they look like an automatic good guy and like they can do know wrong...it was all their fault boohoo I'm such a victim, feel sorry for me...that *****s pathetic in my opinion, you really believe he's that much of a loser that he's consistently dumped by other women? I don't see many women passing up a hot firefighter fit guy just because he's "sensitive" wreaks of bull**** to me and that just might be a get out of jail free card to prevent him from having to say "I like you...but not that much" instead it's ::hand on forehead:: I can't trust anymore, thy heart is much too sensitive to being broken...i mean c'mon give me a break, this guy has made it way too convenient to explain his past and being so open, why would he do this if it wasn't in his favor?

 

Is he worried about being a rebound? meh, how many people worry about that once they are into someone? pretty much zero...and how long do you think it will take him to determine that you're clear of the rebound zone? I mean c'mon thatdoesn't make much sense either unless he's all hugely expressive and vocal about it.

 

You're giving this guy alrady too many excuses which is another bad sign, It means you're already trying to rationalize things to overlook what's actually present...I'm just not buying it because I think he'd had done things different If he actually was interested in a relationship like for starters "I don't know...how do you feel about me? I think emotionally I could get there with you, but how do you feel about this situation? what are you looking for?" not...."welp! I don't know...we'll jus thave to see, its like predicting the weather babydoll, it can be rain or shine...but I definitely think it could rain...for you,there's always a slight chance of rain you know?" Just sounds a little wishy washy If you ask me, just not buying it, but good luck, know yourself out!

[LittlePrince]

I was honest, I AM honest. I didnt want anything.....its been 3 and a half months now and feelings have developed, and the quality of our time together has grown to more boyfriend/girlfriend type things and Im honest about the change, I let him know. I cant help it.

 

We met on a dating site and I told him on the second date about my level of interest, but given that he was on a dating site I think he is/was looking for a realtionship.

Since you see dating sites in such a way then you were always seeking something serious but misrepresented yourself. That didn't change. Where was the honesty in that?

[Ninjainpajamas]

I have a feeling you'll give more explanations, especially for this last paragraph based on what you think he's said to you and what it meant...but i got a feeling your gut is telling you not to trust him.

[LittlePrince]

P.S. When he met one of my friends and she asked him why he liked me, he said that he was attracted to how smart I am. We share a lot of intellectual interests and have a lot of conversation about the environment, health and religion. I constantly shock him when he asks if I've seen this or that documentary and I already have...he isn't used to dating hot but well rounded girls haha

My cat could turn on a tv with her butt and watch a documentary but I wouldn't call her well rounded.

[GKM]

Since you see dating sites in such a way then you were always seeking something serious but misrepresented yourself. That didn't change. Where was the honesty in that?

 

I didnt - I told him my intentions straight up, I didnt misrepresent myself

[GKM]

My cat could turn on a tv with her butt and watch a documentary but I wouldn't call her well rounded.

 

lol...try having an intellectual conversation with your cat then

[GKM]

It doesn't matter what you think of yourself, it matters what he thinks or feels for you.

 

Also just because a guy is willing to spend a lot of time with does not mean he is interested in the long-term, that is a big assumption right there that can definitely backfire on you. If you're hot and fun to be around, why wouldn't a man spend time around you? what makes you think that only men considering long-term relationships will be interested in an attractive woman who is fun to be around/good company? especially If he's just waiting for something better to come along and it hasn't yet.

 

I also saw that he mentioned this whole getting burned thing as a possibility, but does this guy seem not attractive enough or have enough personality that women would want to leave him If he's such a good guy? a lot of guys like to bull**** women giving them their sad side of the story so they look like an automatic good guy and like they can do know wrong...it was all their fault boohoo I'm such a victim, feel sorry for me...that *****s pathetic in my opinion, you really believe he's that much of a loser that he's consistently dumped by other women? I don't see many women passing up a hot firefighter fit guy just because he's "sensitive" wreaks of bull**** to me and that just might be a get out of jail free card to prevent him from having to say "I like you...but not that much" instead it's ::hand on forehead:: I can't trust anymore, thy heart is much too sensitive to being broken...i mean c'mon give me a break, this guy has made it way too convenient to explain his past and being so open, why would he do this if it wasn't in his favor?

 

Is he worried about being a rebound? meh, how many people worry about that once they are into someone? pretty much zero...and how long do you think it will take him to determine that you're clear of the rebound zone? I mean c'mon thatdoesn't make much sense either unless he's all hugely expressive and vocal about it.

 

You're giving this guy alrady too many excuses which is another bad sign, It means you're already trying to rationalize things to overlook what's actually present...I'm just not buying it because I think he'd had done things different If he actually was interested in a relationship like for starters "I don't know...how do you feel about me? I think emotionally I could get there with you, but how do you feel about this situation? what are you looking for?" not...."welp! I don't know...we'll jus thave to see, its like predicting the weather babydoll, it can be rain or shine...but I definitely think it could rain...for you,there's always a slight chance of rain you know?" Just sounds a little wishy washy If you ask me, just not buying it, but good luck, know yourself out!

 

He told me that the fact he spends a lot of time with me means a LOT. He didnt really even do that with his exes. I explained to him that to me it didnt automatically mean a whole lot as Ive never had men NOT want to spend time with me, and perhaps if had emphasized how dysfunctional he had been in the past about it I would have recognized the significance of this more.

 

He's told me the reason he was dumped was HIS issues- he was brought up to be super alpha male uncommunicate, he doesnt give compliments easily etc. Ive noticed him working on this, and opening up and saying things that I know are uncomfortable for him to say but he is trying.

 

I do agree that his response is rather wishy washy. I am going to ask him whats stopping him from asking me to be his girlfriend. That should be interesting. Im not afraid to tackle things head on.

[GKM]

Part of me wonders if Im just being insecure and rushing things. We are dating exclusivly, he waited for me for 3 weeks while I went to Australia and didnt see anyone else in that time, he is emotionally supportive and caring etc etc....I often wonder if women ruin things by naggging about labels too soon...lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, lets get engaged, lets get married....it doesnt mean he cant walk away at any time...and pushing the issue might just alienate him and squash any developing feelings

[Ninjainpajamas]

He told me that the fact he spends a lot of time with me means a LOT. He didnt really even do that with his exes. I explained to him that to me it didnt automatically mean a whole lot as Ive never had men NOT want to spend time with me, and perhaps if had emphasized how dysfunctional he had been in the past about it I would have recognized the significance of this more.

 

Don't believe every word this guy says or any mans, he's got this planned out too well which tells me he's thought about this before hand and this is what he tells women. Plus most men are lying through their teeth to try and make you feel special, don't buy it.

 

Don't let him tell you how you should feel because of X or X, tell him you go based off how he makes you feel, not what you tell him, and you're not the type of girl that's going to feel special just because you're doing something now that he says he didn't do with his ex's...you're not so easily flattered.

 

He's told me the reason he was dumped was HIS issues- he was brought up to be super alpha male uncommunicate, he doesnt give compliments easily etc. Ive noticed him working on this, and opening up and saying things that I know are uncomfortable for him to say but he is trying.

 

Exactly what issues is he referring to here? what are the issues that he committed that caused him to supposedly be dumped? did he cheat? what did he do to push these womenso far? women don't just break up with a man for a few minor infractions...he's not a super alpha male, he's displaying himself in a weak and vulnerable manner, and just because you are an alpha male does not mean in any way you have trouble complimenting a woman or communicating with her..that's a cop out and his own little description of himself to make him feel better.

 

Alpha males know what to do and do it, Beta males are afraid and do not, you tell me which one he sounds like.

 

I do agree that his response is rather wishy washy. I am going to ask him whats stopping him from asking me to be his girlfriend. That should be interesting. Im not afraid to tackle things head on

 

I'm very glad to hear that, be clever with your questions, he doesn't sound like the brightest star in the sky, I'll bet he won't see through vieled questions.

 

Ask him specifics about his past relationships, what he did wrong how hes changed and what he did to overcome this? (do this with a positive note even though you're trying to dig up dirt, just sound interested, you're a smart girl you'll figure it out)

 

Ask him why he has so much difficulty in communicating and what he thinks you can do to improve that?

 

Find out his future plans, what his agenda is...If his plans sound uncommited and spontaneous they probably don't include anyone serious.

 

Do not let him get away with vague answers, since you're smarter than him keep digging, this guy will give it up I can tell, you can find everything you want to know...don't be surprised if you hit a nerve and he avoids a questions or certain area, he might not answer you but you'll read between the lines to figure out what he may hiding if you ask other questions that are less confronting, he will slip up and reveal the truth piece by piece and I know this guy is hiding something about his past, he tries to spin it a certain way in a certain light, men always do this so it's a good thing women are smart enough to see through the BS, however accepting it is as the truth is a whole other deal.

[january2011]

We all have a right to communicate our needs to the other person. Whether that other person acts on that information in the way that we would like them to is down to that other person.

 

Know yourself. Know what you need and want. Know what is reasonable/unreasonable and negotiable/non-negotiable. Know when you've given that other person ample opportunity to meet your needs. Know when to walk away.

 

It is okay to ask for you need and want - don't build a relationship on assumptions. But be clear and honest with yourself and that other person.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Part of me wonders if Im just being insecure and rushing things. We are dating exclusivly, he waited for me for 3 weeks while I went to Australia and didnt see anyone else in that time, he is emotionally supportive and caring etc etc....I often wonder if women ruin things by naggging about labels too soon...lets be boyfriend/girlfriend, lets get engaged, lets get married....it doesnt mean he cant walk away at any time...and pushing the issue might just alienate him and squash any developing feelings

 

Nope don't work that way...contrary to popular belief men aren't afraid to move forward If they feel the same way, it's only when they do not do they back-pedal.

 

You can also avoid this situation by being smart about the way you phrase and ask questions indirectly.

 

There's no such thing as alienating a man and squash developing feelings, they are emotions we are dealing with here, genuine emotions are unstoppable the problem where women run into that is because they ask come off demanding with highexpectaions in thebeginning like they're looking for a husband, butmore often than not men run away because they're just interested in you for fun and that's the get out of dodge flag because this woman actually isn't going to be stupid and manipulated.

 

If a guy really likes you and sees you as marriage potential, he's alrady thinking that right away in the back of his head.

[GKM]

you're doing something now that he says he didn't do with his ex's...you're not so easily flattered.

 

I told him this via phone yesterday, but I will make a point of stating it again when I see him for dinner tonight.

 

 

Exactly what issues is he referring to here? what are the issues that he committed that caused him to supposedly be dumped? did he cheat? what did he do to push these womenso far? women don't just break up with a man for a few minor infractions

 

He said he usually 'stays in his own world' and doesnt make an effort to get into his partners life much. I have questioned him, and asked him later if he has ever in the past with his exes gone out of his way to do something HE didnt want to for THEM. He couldnt think of a single time, I gave him an example with me and an ex of mine- going to the race track for a day despite not being a huge motorcross fan, but just to spend time with them. He still didnt have any examples for me from his past.

 

I did this about three weeks ago where I let him know that my biggest concern with him was that I didnt want to have to teach a man to be emotionally mature, I've been there and done that in the past with my last ex. I dont want to teach someone to be an human being lol..and I said I could see he was trying to work on himself now but I was scared that if he got too comfortable with me he would just fall back into old habits. He said he really wanted to try and be different this time. That if people asked 'so, hows it going with you and the Australian girl' he wouldnt want to have to say 'well, I did exactlyt he same thing I always do and its over now' He told me in the past in arguments he would assume it was over, the agreed to disagree, and forget about it the next day- but he has noticed his co-workers bringing their girlfriends flowers etc. after an argument, something he has never done and he said shyly 'maybe I will do things like that now, you will get to see'

 

 

I'm very glad to hear that, be clever with your questions, he doesn't sound like the brightest star in the sky, I'll bet he won't see through vieled questions.

 

Great idea! Thanks! I will do that tonight!

 

Im trying to give him a chance as so far he has been a great guy in a lot of ways, and he has told me his flaw is his communication and here I am freaking out because verbally he isnt saying the right things, but non-verbally he is doing a lot that says 'I really really like you'..

 

BUT...I need to feel comfortable with the situation and if Im not, something has got to change!

[TheSingleGuy]

++++I get the feeling he was ready to try find someone serious though, by what he said on his profile.++++

 

Seriously? Because a guy writes it on his profile, it must be true???

 

I say you like him, he likes you. He might marry you, he might not. If you dump him because you suspect he's playing you, you will both me miserable, so why do it?

 

If you are a ten, I mean a REALLY hot chick, I don't blame him at all for playing a little hard to pin down on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I would do the exact same thing, whether it's a mistake or not. That's what I'd do.

 

Tens have more options and I can't tell you how many hot women I've heard complain that "Every I guy I go out with wants to date me". Well, duh. That's why they asked you out in the first place, little miss too-hot-to-trot.

 

A lot of guys, like myself, believe that women view men, who commit easily, as WAY LESS attractive. Honestly, I think there's something to it. Women are attracted to the player who's with a new girl all the time and can't be tied down into a committed relationship. For whatever reason, even though women will say it's gross, it's disgusting, they ARE attracted to it. Case in point: the rock star's tour van. On the outside, women say it's disgusting and gross but, none the less, they are taking their panties off for men they don't even know.

 

So, yes, in many guy's brains, there is something unsexy about saying "I want you to be my girlfriend".

[GKM]

++++I get the feeling he was ready to try find someone serious though, by what he said on his profile.++++

 

Seriously? Because a guy writes it on his profile, it must be true???

 

I say you like him, he likes you. He might marry you, he might not. If you dump him because you suspect he's playing you, you will both me miserable, so why do it?

 

If you are a ten, I mean a REALLY hot chick, I don't blame him at all for playing a little hard to pin down on the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I would do the exact same thing, whether it's a mistake or not. That's what I'd do.

 

Tens have more options and I can't tell you how many hot women I've heard complain that "Every I guy I go out with wants to date me". Well, duh. That's why they asked you out in the first place, little miss too-hot-to-trot.

 

A lot of guys, like myself, believe that women view men, who commit easily, as WAY LESS attractive. Honestly, I think there's something to it. Women are attracted to the player who's with a new girl all the time and can't be tied down into a committed relationship. For whatever reason, even though women will say it's gross, it's disgusting, they ARE attracted to it. Case in point: the rock star's tour van. On the outside, women say it's disgusting and gross but, none the less, they are taking their panties off for men they don't even know.

 

So, yes, in many guy's brains, there is something unsexy about saying "I want you to be my girlfriend".

 

 

 

Interesting idea, thanks for the male perspective.

 

Nothing is a given today, even if he got down on his knee with a fat rock the next time we went for dinner it doesnt mean I wouldnt get hurt in the future....I try to just enjoy the moments in life these days....but at the same time I would like to be able to refer to him as my boyfriend.

 

I am definitley more attractive than he is- im 26 and look 23 at most, he is 30 and looks a little older....not that he isnt an appealing man.

 

He boasts about me all the time- I've heard him telling people that Im really pretty, he has asked me for some of my recipes to give to his sister, I speak two languages and have lived in Africa, India, Australia and Europe,.... he has lived in Florida all his life. He may be a little intimidated, and playing games despite the two of us discussing how stupid games are and how glad we are to NOT play them at our age.

[InJest]

What is so difficult to understand?

 

You told him you didn't want anything serious, so he went for it. Now you want something serious, and he still doesn't. Why has this thread gone on for 3 pages?

[GKM]

What is so difficult to understand?

 

You told him you didn't want anything serious, so he went for it. Now you want something serious, and he still doesn't. Why has this thread gone on for 3 pages?

 

He hasnt flat out said no...he has been wishy washy though.. There are a lot of mixed messages here..for instance, when I was telling him how because my parents are dead I have no backup support in this world if **** goes bad he said 'I can be your support. If you dont want to take out school loans I can loan you the money interest free.' And he is trying to become a vegetarian because I am, not that Ive said anything to him about it except that I dont eat meat! Kind of signs hes into me.. So..its not cut and dry...so Im trying to get different perspectives and ideas. So far Ive gathered valuable advice on asking more veiled questions that will reveal more about his past, and Single Guy's perspective was very informative too!

Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM

[Ninjainpajamas]

He hasnt flat out said no...he has been wishy washy though.. There are a lot of mixed messages here..for instance, when I was telling him how because my parents are dead I have no backup support in this world if **** goes bad he said 'I can be your support. If you dont want to take out school loans I can loan you the money interest free.' And he is trying to become a vegetarian because I am, not that Ive said anything to him about it except that I dont eat meat! Kind of signs hes into me.. So..its not cut and dry...

 

Just be really careful GKM, I want you to succeed in this and find out if this guy really is into you.

 

Majority of men will not flat out say no, especially if the consequence is merely just seeing you and reaping the benefits, know what I mean?

 

Be really careful, you sound intelligent but emotionally vulnerable I can almost feel you wanting this to be the guy even though you hold up a tough exterior.

 

Judge from the actions, the emotions and how honest and sincere he is being with you...you've got to use your womans intuition, it's extremely accurate whether you want to admit to us the truth or not...trust yourself, don't just say "well he said this or that so it must be true and that sounds legit"....really this guy seems like a man of words for not being a great communicator, there's like a reason for everything.

 

Don't take everything so to heart, any guy can make empty promises and paint a nice picture, make sure the actions/emotions stick with the words, don't confuse yourself by trying to convince yourself with what he's saying, you're going to throw yourself off.

[TheSingleGuy]

GKM, just keep dating him and don't start dating other men. That will only blow up in your face. Plus, also realize, the guys you date who are being used to make this guy jealous have feelings too. They'll get their hopes up. And the firefighter guy will probably assume you are sleeping with them and go sleep with other women too.

 

There's been some terrible advice in this thread.

 

He may end up dumping you, you may end up dumping him. Who knows? There are no guarantees in life.

[GKM]

Just be really careful GKM, I want you to succeed in this and find out if this guy really is into you.

 

Majority of men will not flat out say no, especially if the consequence is merely just seeing you and reaping the benefits, know what I mean?

 

Be really careful, you sound intelligent but emotionally vulnerable I can almost feel you wanting this to be the guy even though you hold up a tough exterior.

 

Judge from the actions, the emotions and how honest and sincere he is being with you...you've got to use your womans intuition, it's extremely accurate whether you want to admit to us the truth or not...trust yourself, don't just say "well he said this or that so it must be true and that sounds legit"....really this guy seems like a man of words for not being a great communicator, there's like a reason for everything.

 

Don't take everything so to heart, any guy can make empty promises and paint a nice picture, make sure the actions/emotions stick with the words, don't confuse yourself by trying to convince yourself with what he's saying, you're going to throw yourself off.

 

You give very wise advice- make sure the actions match the promises!! What actions do you think show a man is interested in a relationship? I've been duped in the past (the reason Im in the USA is a man I met while travelling and he painted a lovely picture of life here with him and I moved....and he ended up being a douchebag lol)

 

I'm trying to keep a healthy amount of skepticism/caution while at the same time keeping enough optimisim and gratitude for the things he does for me, to allow a relationship to flourish!

[InJest]

You sound really gullible and desperate. Being into you, doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship.

 

I'm just gonna grab a bucket of popcorn for this one.

[GKM]

GKM, just keep dating him and don't start dating other men. That will only blow up in your face. Plus, also realize, the guys you date who are being used to make this guy jealous have feelings too. They'll get their hopes up. And the firefighter guy will probably assume you are sleeping with them and go sleep with other women too.

 

There's been some terrible advice in this thread.

 

He may end up dumping you, you may end up dumping him. Who knows? There are no guarantees in life.

 

Dude, I like your way of thinking

 

I dont really have the free time to juggle several men, I also dont like hurting other human beings...so I will continue to date this guy for a few more months and see how things pan out.

I dont feel used. He is meeting a lot of my needs. I dont even know if I believe in marriage as a necessary social institution anymore (but rather an outdated religious practice and marketing gig by the Events industry - oh Im sure people are going to hate that statement), so perhaps I shouldnt care so much about the term boyfriend...I call him my man, and he talks about taking care of his girl...so maybe things will just settle into place with time....

[GKM]

You sound really gullible and desperate. Being into you, doesn't mean he wants a serious relationship.

 

I'm just gonna grab a bucket of popcorn for this one.

 

its too R rated for you to watch

 

Im not desperate. Just grappling with some feelings I didnt expect to develop and the resulting implications