GKM Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) We met after I got outta a long relationship, in March. I told him I wasnt looking for anything super serious, just seeing where things went. We hung out for a few weeks, then I went to Australia for 22 days to visit family. He emailed me consistently throughout that time. We have been hanging out a lot since I got back, weekends and during the week too. He said he hasnt spent this much time with a girl, not even his exes, and really enjoys my company. However...Ive grown to really like him, and want him to be my boyfriend. When I brought up the boyfriend topic he says he doesnt like pressure on stuff like that and wants to keep hanging out with me and he enjoys that, but doesnt know where things will go from there. That kind of hurts my feelings, I feel like if he thinks Im so great he should know if he wants to date me or not. Should I walk away and see if he follows, or be patient with him? He shows boyfriend potential in a lot of ways, even offered to lend me money for school! Edited June 11, 2012 by GKM
Phennyphen Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Walk away, you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. Hes just not that into you. 1
mortensorchid Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Yes, walk away. He is saying you are putting pressure on him when you're actually not. It's just an excuse as to why all of a sudden he won't be with you.
Author GKM Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 he said he cant give me any gurantees, he has no idea about the future, but he enjoys having me in his life tremendously and that should mean a lot.
zanesfan Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Please read this: Man Won. I just went through the same thing!
Phennyphen Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 he said he cant give me any gurantees, he has no idea about the future, but he enjoys having me in his life tremendously and that should mean a lot. Babes, ask yourself what YOU get out of this little set up. You said you want him to be your boyfriend, he says ohhh too much pressure no thanks! So he gets what he wants, a casual 'thing' with a girl who likes him, and you get...what? The fact that he 'enjoys having you in his life' but with no guarantees...that doesnt sound like a good deal to me. Walk, baby, walk.
Author GKM Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 he does take me on dates, spend lots of time with me and talks about doing things with me in the future just like a boyfriend would... I dont know if maybe I shouldnt pressure him to adopt a label, he has only been in 4 relationships despite being 30 and is very selective with his girlfriends, and he has been dumped for not being able to open up. He is really trying to with me though, talking about his feelings and PDA in public (things he didnt do with his old actual girlfriends) so maybe I just need to give him a little more time? Its a reality check for me that hurts- no, he isnt my boyfriend. But considering I just got outta a long relationship Im ok with giving him 4 more months and if he cant take the 'pressure' I will dump him just before his birthday so I dont have to buy him stuff Oh, and maybe I will date some other people right now too if he cant take the label!
Phennyphen Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 If your happy with that then thats fine but if a man is truly into you he wont make you wait to be with him, he'll want to snap you up before someone else gets you. Sounds to me like your just being strung along, and by you living in hope that he'll commit, your just playing into his hands. If you do stay with him though, dating other people is a good idea. Pressurising him isnt, it'll just push him away. 1
boytoy Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Walk away, you deserve someone who wants you as much as you want them. Hes just not that into you. Wait a minute, but what if all men who want her as much as she wants them would be less desirable than this guy? Maybe this guy doesn't want her too much because he is kind of awesome. Would she rather be used by a man higher on the dating totem pole than herself, or date a lesser man who is her equal and treats her better? That sounds like a personal decision that she needs to make...
Author GKM Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 Wait a minute, but what if all men who want her as much as she wants them would be less desirable than this guy? Maybe this guy doesn't want her too much because he is kind of awesome. Would she rather be used by a man higher on the dating totem pole than herself, or date a lesser man who is her equal and treats her better? That sounds like a personal decision that she needs to make... he is pretty awesome, fit, a fire fighter...but Im pretty awesome too- fit, pretty (when Ive gone for dinner at the fire station his friends have told him Im a ten, and that I might be the one, information he relayed to me' And I was the one using him at first, to get over my ex. I even told him so, making a point of how causal I wanted it to be and declining an invitation to meet his family...(NOW I want to meet them, dammit!) I dont feel beneath him (intellectually he says I take the cake for making him have to look words I use up in the dictionary haha), but at the same time I feel like maybe a less attractive guy would be less work lol
Author GKM Posted June 11, 2012 Author Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) If your happy with that then thats fine but if a man is truly into you he wont make you wait to be with him, he'll want to snap you up before someone else gets you. Sounds to me like your just being strung along, and by you living in hope that he'll commit, your just playing into his hands. If you do stay with him though, dating other people is a good idea. Pressurising him isnt, it'll just push him away. I really like him so havent wanted to date other guys (and thought he might need some assurance that I do like him, as I had just wanted a casual relationship but then we spent more time together and got more serious- so I didnt date other guys at the same time) but now Im going go on other dates BECAUSE I like him....maybe it will make him pick up his game! Oh, and Im going to borrow the money he offered to lend me for school (at least thats a level of commitment) and dump him in October if its still too much 'pressure' so I dont have to buy him a birthday present Edited June 11, 2012 by GKM
boytoy Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Oh, and Im going to borrow the money he offered to lend me for school (at least thats a level of commitment) and dump him in October if its still too much 'pressure' so I dont have to buy him a birthday present Wait are you saying that you intend to take his money and then dump him without paying him back? That's vile.
Janesays Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 You'll be waiting forever with this guy. But it seems like you're already too smitten to do in your heart what you know you should do to save yourself some future pain. I'll give you some virtual hugs in 4 months.
LittlePrince Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 We met after I got outta a long relationship, in March. I told him I wasnt looking for anything super serious, just seeing where things went. We hung out for a few weeks, then I went to Australia for 22 days to visit family. He emailed me consistently throughout that time. We have been hanging out a lot since I got back, weekends and during the week too. He said he hasnt spent this much time with a girl, not even his exes, and really enjoys my company. However...Ive grown to really like him, and want him to be my boyfriend. When I brought up the boyfriend topic he says he doesnt like pressure on stuff like that and wants to keep hanging out with me and he enjoys that, but doesnt know where things will go from there. That kind of hurts my feelings, I feel like if he thinks Im so great he should know if he wants to date me or not. Should I walk away and see if he follows, or be patient with him? He shows boyfriend potential in a lot of ways, even offered to lend me money for school! You pull the classic female bullsht of not wanting to get serious but get hurt when he echos back exactly what you were supposedly looking for. You should have not pretended to not be looking for LTR. What a mess you made. I am not sure if he is doing this to play a game to increase your interest, he was drawn in by the fact you wanted what he wanted, he is just saying what he thinks you still want to hear and are testing him, or he was initially interested since you seemed like a challenge but now is losing interest or flipping the script and turning himself into the new challenge. Do you see how much easier this would have been if you cut the cr a p and were honest? 2
InJest Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 You pull the classic female bullsht of not wanting to get serious but get hurt when he echos back exactly what you were supposedly looking for. You should have not pretended to not be looking for LTR. What a mess you made. I am not sure if he is doing this to play a game to increase your interest, he was drawn in by the fact you wanted what he wanted, he is just saying what he thinks you still want to hear and are testing him, or he was initially interested since you seemed like a challenge but now is losing interest or flipping the script and turning himself into the new challenge. Do you see how much easier this would have been if you cut the cr a p and were honest? Spot on. You did this to yourself. How is it fair that you've completely changed your tune of your expectations in a matter of a couple weeks, and now he's the bad guy?
january2011 Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 I'm going to agree with LittlePrince and InJest here. You told him that you weren't looking for anything serious - so he'd be forgiven for feeling a tad confused at your 180. Nonetheless, his actions do not match his words and also suggest that he too is playing games. I strongly suggest that you both need to take a long hard look at yourselves and decide what you really want and whether those wants are compatible, be clear when communicating your wants to the other person and make sure that your actions match your words. Otherwise, I don't see a medium-term, let alone a long-term for you both. 1
thatone Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 Oh, and Im going to borrow the money he offered to lend me for school (at least thats a level of commitment) and dump him in October if its still too much 'pressure' so I dont have to buy him a birthday present so you're a hooker then. 1
veggirl Posted June 11, 2012 Posted June 11, 2012 he said he cant give me any gurantees, he has no idea about the future, but he enjoys having me in his life tremendously and that should mean a lot. Classic lines! "I can't guarantee anything, oh but I like you sooo much!" NO! A man who wants you will make you his. Let me guess, you aren't supposed to see anyone else...wonder if he is though? he does take me on dates, spend lots of time with me and talks about doing things with me in the future just like a boyfriend would... I dont know if maybe I shouldnt pressure him to adopt a label, he has only been in 4 relationships despite being 30 and is very selective with his girlfriends, and he has been dumped for not being able to open up. He is really trying to with me though, talking about his feelings and PDA in public (things he didnt do with his old actual girlfriends) so maybe I just need to give him a little more time? Its a reality check for me that hurts- no, he isnt my boyfriend. But considering I just got outta a long relationship Im ok with giving him 4 more months and if he cant take the 'pressure' I will dump him just before his birthday so I dont have to buy him stuff Oh, and maybe I will date some other people right now too if he cant take the label! Asking someone for a committment is not PRESSURING them. Listen, you asked and he said no. So why are you staying? You are not getting what you want. Please stop justifying his behavior with "but he does XYZ". It doesn't matter! How freakin long does he need?? How long did it take him to commit to his exes then, since you are into comparing your "relationship" to theirs? 4
spiderowl Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Some people get a lot out of tipping the balance in a relationship so that they are 'in control'. The more they step back, the more the other person steps forward to fill the gap between them. If you find yourself in the position of always having to step forward, think again. The guy is doing lots of 'encouraging' things (talk about family, friends seeing you two together in the future, etc.) but still stepping backwards. This is push/pull behaviour. If he doesn't want anything serious, he shouldn't be relaying things such as how his friends see you together in the future. This kind of behaviour can keep you unwittingly entrapped in a non-committal relationship that is always on the point of turning into more. Is that what you want?
cheshire_cat Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Sweetie...no. If you want to find my thread in the "Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy" forum about my current relationship...that's all you need to know. I'm in this same type of bullsh*t right now. We're supposed to be exculsive - aka we aren't sleeping with anyone else but he still lives his life as though he is single otherwise. It's not worth it and it's really hard to get out of once you are in it. I've gotten the same crap. He takes me out on dates, I've met all his friends, I've met his mom/dad/brother SEVERAL times. They all know me and love me. He told me he wasn't ready for a "relationship." I agreed....I didn't want one either. H*ll, I've never referred to him as my "boyfriend" even though we've been dating almost 6 months. Now...he refers to what we are doing as a relationship and even refers to me as his girlfriend but....still acts like he is single. Still pulls the "non-relationship/girlfriend" card when it fits his situation. I broke up with him and after a week we got back together. I say end it and move on. I am trying really hard to do that now. Unforunately the longer I stay in this quasi-relationship the harder it is.
daphne Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 I noticed the irony in the op's post. Op, it was probably unwise to suggest that you weren't looking for anything casual unless you really didn't see it going anywhere. However, now that you've advised him that you do want something more serious, it's time to take inventory. He doesn't want anything serious at this time. You don't owe it to him to wait for him in the event that he changed his mind, however. You two just aren't on the same page. Be grateful he was honest.
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 (edited) Spot on. You did this to yourself. How is it fair that you've completely changed your tune of your expectations in a matter of a couple weeks, and now he's the bad guy? Im not planning on taking his money and dumping him at all....Im not a vile human being of course I would pay it back, and still be friends! I just meant that I would take that level of commitment from him, to me thats a pretty big deal, lending someone money to help them with school... I talked to him yesterday rather than texting him about this and it cleared the air between us. I said "I just wanted to make it clear that we are on the same page. I dont expect you to read my mind.I want to know if there is more than just bootycall potential with us. Otherwise I dont want to spend lots of my free time with you, if there isnt the possiblity of you being my boyfriend" he said there was a definite possiblity, and was like "Ive met a girl I really enjoy spending time with and Im NOT going to want to date here? Why not?" so that was nice to hear. I kind of want him to ask me to be his girlfriend organically, so I'm going to just let things just play out. He says he doesnt usually hang out with women very much and the fact that he spends days with me means he thinks a lot of me. Maybe instead of waiting for him to ask I should just ask him... Edited June 12, 2012 by GKM
Author GKM Posted June 12, 2012 Author Posted June 12, 2012 You pull the classic female bullsht of not wanting to get serious but get hurt when he echos back exactly what you were supposedly looking for. You should have not pretended to not be looking for LTR. What a mess you made. I am not sure if he is doing this to play a game to increase your interest, he was drawn in by the fact you wanted what he wanted, he is just saying what he thinks you still want to hear and are testing him, or he was initially interested since you seemed like a challenge but now is losing interest or flipping the script and turning himself into the new challenge. Do you see how much easier this would have been if you cut the cr a p and were honest? I was honest, I AM honest. I didnt want anything.....its been 3 and a half months now and feelings have developed, and the quality of our time together has grown to more boyfriend/girlfriend type things and Im honest about the change, I let him know. I cant help it. We met on a dating site and I told him on the second date about my level of interest, but given that he was on a dating site I think he is/was looking for a realtionship.
TheSingleGuy Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Wow!!! Absolutely fascinating. Because you met him on a dating website, somehow, in the female brain, this translates into "he must want a relationship." Amazing. So, does this mean the guys who approach in real life are just players 100% of the time???
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 12, 2012 Posted June 12, 2012 Well first off, If you're a ten I'd like to see that because I'd have a hard time imagining he'd just let go of a ten.He showed you off to his buddies at the station so I'm sure you're at least an 8. The curve ball here is you've been push and pull in this entire relationship and he might just being as careful as you are to save face, he's invited you to meet family and seemed particularly interested (assumng you are a 10 could be based entirely off looks) however being that a man says he doesn't know what he wants with the future is a big red flag....because you might be a hot piece of ass but you might exactly be the serious relationship type, because that's what guys say when you aren't...never seen them just say that to bluff...so I think you're actually kinda screwed. Being that you're coverng the bases though and making sure you get something out of it...not sure If you're just being a little smart or just telling yourself this so that you can say to yourself that i'm going to to just be used...because the bottom line if you have emotions that **** is going to still matter but your heart will still be broken. I think you're a little crazy yourself at any rate and my prediction for this is you will definitely lose out...because in the end as fun, sizzling and entertaining this whole journey has been, men don't usually end up this kinda girl in the long-term...If he had taken you seriously I believe he would have reacted differently to prior situations instead of just not really give a damn, I think he sees you for fun. I mean what exactly do you tell yourself he needs to "figureout" to determien if yuo're relationship material? good luck answering that one, especially If you ask him! but then again probably just more BS.
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