knotquiteperfect Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 So I am having a long term relationship with my girlfriend Kim. We are really close friends and we enjoyed doing everything together when she lived near me. Our communication is really good and we share everything to each other; there are no secrets between us and I love her very much. I can tell that she loves me very much too. Sounds like the perfect girl, but there is a catch. She doesn't trust me. We live thousands of miles away from each other right now. I am always busy with school because I always take on a hell-of-a-lot of classes, but I talk to her everyday via microphones online. When I get a couple weeks vacation and I go to my parents house that weekend so I can see my parents and hang out with my little sister she gets really hurt, and angry because I've been so busy and I get out of classes and that I spend the weekend with my family and not with her. This is even though I talk to her everyday (I have to work really hard to make that happen). Moreover, after the weekend I came back to my apartment and talked a lot with her (of course, most of it was us arguing whether I did something to her or not). One time I didn't email her goodnight while I stayed up all night working on coursework and she was furious with me for days and would just not email me so sweetly. One hint that she was upset would be if she left out I love you at the end of an email. Or her emails might be shorter than normal and she won't share so much with me. The next week, now that I finally had time to go out with friends I went out with friends about 3 times that week spending 3-5 hours each time with them. She even broke up with me over this (for like 3 hours) because she cannot believe that I would do something like this to her. I am not doing anything to her, it is just when I can finally go outside of my apartment and do things I want to. I am much the opposite of her in that aspect. I am very laid back and she can go out with friends or go watch movies all she wants and I am not going to take it as a personal attack. I made time for her all through my classes but that I spend a weekend with parents and little sister (who I talk to more like once a week) and Kim really takes it personally. I don't always plan my life so strictly. If I am running errands and I am in the area I might hang out with my little sister and spend the night at my parents. One time, we were going to meet online at 8PM. I meet her online at my parents' house and she gets REALLY mad at me for not being at my apartment where we have more privacy. I can understand how she might not like some of these things but I do not understand why she takes everything I do so very personally. I think that she is insecure about me and that she doesn't trust me and obsessive too. She thinks that it is entirely me and that it is horrible for me to "turn" it on her when it was me who was making all the mistakes. When I "do these things" to her she will get REALLY mad at me lashing out against me and will end up crying about how incredibly hard it is for her. She often asks me if I would ever cheat on her, if I still will love her in the future, if I am still attracted to her. She is a wonderful woman but I think that she has some type of problem. I tried to change the way I do things so maybe if I email her EVERYTHING I do then she will trust me more. I can understand that when I don't email her before I go to bed that she can be disappointed, but maybe inside it is making her feel worse than it should. I don't want to push anything off as a little thing. If it is important to her it is a big thing, but when everything is a big thing, there is a problem. I think that I am a pretty good guy. I always tell her how much she means to me and I share everything with her. I just can't get everything right. So my questions... If we can make the great assumption that Kim gets way more upset about many things that she should. 1) Is this typical of any type of disorder, chemical inblance. Please tell me of any disorder you might think it could be. Anything that could get through without medicine? 2) Could obsession alone be the reason without any chemical link. 3) Has anyone has any similar problems with their girlfriend boyfriend or had problems similar to those that I talked about or has worked through something like this. If you had a problem like this it would be really good to here because I can get a better idea of what she expects. 4) Any advice you might want to give. This has been the only revolving problem in our relationship but it is a REALLY big problem because I really do not know how to handle it anymore. I am starting to always feel like the bad guy; She is always right and I am always wrong. Can you help?
mugirl213 Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Hi there...OK since I'm a bit insecure myself, I'll help you! One thing I noticed (and this could be b/c I'm just as insecure as your girl) was that you said you talk to her every night, which is great! But you did say when you have vacation time to go away, you go home. OK that's CERTAINLY understandable...but...if you NEVER use your vacation to go see her...she's bound to be hurt. I know I would! Can't you split it up at all? But I think you are doing a super duper job by being sooo understanding and patient. My boyfriend is with me as well. There is a whole thread at the other site I frequent that I think would help quite alot. Pay attention to the poster "Taira" on the last page...she makes many good points and offers advice on how to deal with a woman like this....from a woman who IS like that. http://members.lovingyou.com/vbulletin/upload/showthread.php?threadid=66116 LDR's are hard I'd imagine...so I'm sure it's the stress and uncertainty of that as well. Plus...here's an idea that I love. When my bf is going out with his friends, he'll call or text me from the bar just to say hi. It means SO much to me and let's me know that I'm on his mind and he's thinking about me. Maybe that's an idea? (Just go to the bathroom if you're worried about the "whipped" comments from the guys) I think that's all it is really. Will there be a time in the future you two will be together permanently? Perhaps you can make a big countdown calendar and celebrate little anniversaries (1 month til i see you, etc.). Just some thoughts that might help keep you sane. Trust me....if she's anything like me, she doesn't want to be like this. She DOES trust you...it's just a hard thing....to understand. Just talk to her, keep reassuring her and maybe refer her to a message board w here she can post about dealing with an LDR.
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