before an affair...

[frozensprouts]

It has often been said on here that the state of a marriage is dependent upon the two people in the marriage, and that both are responsible for the "health' of a marriage. It is unfair to place the blame solely at the feet of one spouse ( i agree with this)

 

As either a betrayed or wayward spouse, how "healthy" do you feel your marriage was when the infidelity occurred, and do you feel you could have done anything different to have made things better?

 

In my own situation, much of the problems my husband was having had little to do with me...they were external factors over which I had little control...mind you, I really think we could have talked more, maybe I should have pressed him more to tell me what was bothering him, but I

didn't want to pester. I think maybe I was too timid about it, and hoped things would get better with time.

 

( please note: this thread isn't intended to lay the blame for an affair at anyone's feet, rather, it is intended to discuss the time in a marriage leading up to an affair....was there anything you could have done differently? Do you feel it would have made a difference, or would the infidelity still have happened?)

[nofool4u]

It has often been said on here that the state of a marriage is dependent upon the two people in the marriage, and that both are responsible for the "health' of a marriage. It is unfair to place the blame solely at the feet of one spouse ( i agree with this)

 

I also agree. But it isn't a "reason" for the other person to go off and screw someone else. Its merely an excuse, and is an attempt to lay blame at the feet of the BS.

 

 

As either a betrayed or wayward spouse, how "healthy" do you feel your marriage was when the infidelity occurred, and do you feel you could have done anything different to have made things better?

 

I could have refused to babysit my kids and not allow her to get out of the house to have fun with friends when I thought I was being a good husband helping her to blow off the steam of being a SAHM.

[analystfromhell]

Without excusing the other partner in my case, they own their actions as do we all, our marriage was perhaps not bad but not stimulating either. As people become more comfortable with one another, and as frozensprouts discusses, allow ourselves to be taken over with things outside the marriage the relationship often gets less attention than it deserves.

 

I can't imagine a healthy marriage experiencing an affair- outside philanderers or those with mental health problems or who try and experiment (eg open marriages and it turns out one or more parties aren't good with it). I guess some things just "happen" but really, I don't buy that. If there's an affair it seems inevitable to me that the parties aren't truly in communication with one another and have found it easier to conceal and deceive than turn towards one another with honesty and open hearts.

[Radagast]

It has often been said on here that the state of a marriage is dependent upon the two people in the marriage, and that both are responsible for the "health' of a marriage. It is unfair to place the blame solely at the feet of one spouse ( i agree with this)

 

As either a betrayed or wayward spouse, how "healthy" do you feel your marriage was when the infidelity occurred, and do you feel you could have done anything different to have made things better?

 

 

Our marriage was really bad at that point, although I was trying very hard to put a positive spin on it. I had recently taken my ex-wife back after a separation. She had walked out deciding she needed some time out to decide if she wanted to be with me after an incident at work where I refused to lie to cover her wrongdoing. The separation lasted a year, during which time I enjoyed being on my own (with the kids half time) but she really struggled and the children took it all very badly. After the year she begged to come back and against the advice of friends and family I agreed, mostly because I could not stand to see the kids so unhappy and doing so badly socially and at school. I did set a condition which was that we went to marriage counselling but she stormed out during the first session when the counsellor tried to get her to accept responsibility for some of her abusive behaviour. At that point I should have thrown her back out but did not for the kids, as I said.

 

I did really try to make things work as far as I could by myself, since she decided there was nothing wrong with the relationship so she was not willing to do anything differently, she was convinced the problem was all me and my own issues and so I tried to fix "my" issues in the way she suggested but of course nothing got any better. Not for me, not for the kids. Yes, at that point I should have left, I know now in retrospect, but at that point the spectre of the recent separation and the effect on the kids was still so large that I really thought the best thing was to stick it out for the kids, and I tried. And at that point, I met my wife. And for a while the affair really did make things better at home, feeling loved and respected made me more positive and more energetic and able to be a better parent, and the kids started to settle and become happier and do better in school. They really blossomed and we grew much closer. Had we separated at that point I really don't know how things would have worked out for them.

 

I could have done things very differently. I could have refused to take my wife back when she begged, which would probably overall have been the best thing. To have stayed separate, gotten better counselling for the kids and for her and maybe some good in-patient care. I should have accepted that I could not fix her and that I could not fix the marriage. But I remembered the woman who had come to my room begging me to save her from her unhappy marriage, begging me to help her, begging me to take her back, and I could not find it in my heart to turn her away when she needed me most. I was stupid, I was wrong, and I know now I should have done it differently. But back then I didn't, couldn't, I had to try.

[SomedayDig]

While I will never (and she won't ever) say that I had anything to do with her decision to have an affair, I can certainly see where my short comings in the communication problems helped exacerbate HER delusion. My wife has admitted that she used our communication issues to push herself further away from me, and that ultimately lead to her affair. It got to the point where even though I always complimented her on being beautiful, sexy, whatever...it fell on deaf ears because the xOM had her attention at that point. It took her 2 years to get into the affair. Not that she knew the guy at all during those 2 years, but it was those 2 years of communication issues that pushed her. Yes, I am at fault for not being able to figure out what she needed at that time. I was gone from home so much, I honestly didn't see it as being THAT bad. But it was. That said, it was her idiotic, selfish, self-serving ego that lead her to the affair. Not me.

[beenburned]

In my own marriage, my H had issues within himself that had nothing to do with me.

 

He had no business being married to anyone at that time, as he was totally immature, selfish, self centered, and lacked being capable of any kind of healthy boundaries, both for himself or our marriage. (Too bad I didn't know this ahead of time)

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I feel that my wife and I at that time had not recognized that we communicated very differently. I viewed joint decisions to be discussed and debated back and forth. For my wife, she was used to her family of origin where her father made the decisions, and no one challenged that decision. For the longest time my wife viewed debating as taboo. As a result of this disconnect, I felt that she agreed with my suggestions. But from her angle she felt like I did not validate her opinions/feelings.

 

As a result of MC, we realized that she has a very hard time ASKING for what she wants. She expected that I should know what she wants. When I failed to deliver, then she made a deposit into the resentment bank account. (I can't believe it took me over 10 years of marriage to discover this.)

 

As far as the affair, she worked with the guy and their work environment was very social and interactive. She would have social interaction for most of her day with her co-workers. If she had a cubicle job, then maybe things would've turned out differently. I believe that she first fell for the guy, and then augmented any chinks in our marriage and my shortcomings in order to justify her selfish behavior.

 

Looking back, they only thing that I could've done differently was to change my travel. My traveling at that time created a void in her social life. I don't fault myself for the traveling since I was advancing my career so that I could provide for our family. By the nature of my job, frequent travel was required.

 

Other than the communication piece, the other major factors of her affair were within her, not me or us. She had problems within herself that lead her to have an affair; mostly lack of self-awareness and immaturity.

[SomedayDig]

I don't see any fault on you here.

 

If she had an issue with your absence because you were working, it's up to her to clearly communicate that.

 

I don't buy that it was your obligation to "figure out what she needed" = being the mind-reader of your spouse.

 

Honestly (funny me saying that to Abe Lincoln), I feel my obligation was to communicate better. We had drifted after a miscarriage. She shut down and I did not know how to approach her. It got to the point of me walking on egg shells and then withdrawing. No way to go back and change, but I wish I had suggested counseling for us. That said, it absolutely SUCKS how we got where we are, however we talk about everything now. 100% transparency on her part and she has fully disclosed all details of the affair.

[frozensprouts]

i'm not big on "talking' and never have been. I'm terrible at it, and am better at listening and stewing about something and getting irritated. It's very hard for me to express emotions verbally, but i think for some it's easy. I'm better at writing down my feelings, which is one thing our counselor recommended I do. She also told me that I'm a very selfless person, and am prone to giving way to much. While these may sound like good traits, they can be taken too far. If you are always squelching your own needs for the sake of others, resentment can build up, and you can end up a very angry person, which, over time, eats away at you.

 

i'm also not a very forceful person, and don't like to bother other people...again, this sounds good, but it can be taken too far. perhaps if I'd had a little more "backbone", i would have been able to get my husband to talk to me without feeling like I was "pestering" him. I think he took my lack of perseverance in trying to get him to open up to me as a sign that I didn't care, when I really did care.

[Furious]

There is not one single marriage that is smooth sailing at all times.

 

At any given time, a marriage is vulnerable, whether we know it or not.

 

Sure it takes two to make a marriage work, but when it becomes 3, and the third party inserts themselves into a marriage, you can be guaranteed that whatever problems there were, have now become overblown and used as justification for the cheating to continue.

 

The WS, is usually a selfish coward, who wants from their spouse what they don't give to that same spouse.

[The Blue Knight]

As either a betrayed or wayward spouse, how "healthy" do you feel your marriage was when the infidelity occurred, and do you feel you could have done anything different to have made things better?

 

In my own situation, much of the problems my husband was having had little to do with me...they were external factors over which I had little control...mind you, I really think we could have talked more, maybe I should have pressed him more to tell me what was bothering him, but I

didn't want to pester. I think maybe I was too timid about it, and hoped things would get better with time.

When my ex-wife cheated, I would have said our marriage was overall fairly healthy. We did argue a lot but that was due to both of our personalities being reluctant to give ground. But we'd get past those moments after she'd cool down a bit and every thing seemed fine.

 

I suppose looking back I could have done some things differently. After all, who can say that they didn't need to change in certain areas of their marriage? If you don't learn from your mistakes, you'll likely repeat them. So of course I did a lot of self-reflecting about myself.

 

But my changes wouldn't have likely made a difference.

 

They were her issues with depression and always "needing" something new and exciting in her life. That's what motivated her. And when it wasn't a new house, a new car, a trip somewhere, or whatever, I think she just decided at some point when she got some male attention that she was willing to go there, even though I don't think she was like that when we married.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

But my changes wouldn't have likely made a difference.

 

They were her issues with depression and always "needing" something new and exciting in her life. That's what motivated her. And when it wasn't a new house, a new car, a trip somewhere, or whatever, I think she just decided at some point when she got some male attention that she was willing to go there, even though I don't think she was like that when we married.

 

I can relate. Just last week I mentioned to my wife "you've always had a problem with being content". Boy, did she shoot me a look! She knew exactly what I was mainly referring to (affair). Of course there has also been the house, the car, the other amenities of life. Some people can't appreciate what they have, no matter how good it is.

 

My wife has admitted that the months leading up to her affair, she felt that our marriage was "truly fine", and felt like we were "still on our honeymoon". Amazing how that perspective changes when someone comes along that shows interest. It wasn't about me, it was all about her. I doubt that I could've done anything different within our marriage that would've prevented her affair.

[96nole]

There is not one single marriage that is smooth sailing at all times.

 

At any given time, a marriage is vulnerable, whether we know it or not.

 

Sure it takes two to make a marriage work, but when it becomes 3, and the third party inserts themselves into a marriage, you can be guaranteed that whatever problems there were, have now become overblown and used as justification for the cheating to continue.

 

The WS, is usually a selfish coward, who wants from their spouse what they don't give to that same spouse.

 

That is probably one of the most spot on accurate statements I've heard.

 

My ex:

a self confessed coward

 

Selfish:

With comments like "I only want what's best for me"

 

Wants from me that she didn't give to me:

She made comments that I didn't make her feel special everyday, I didn't make her feel like a queen everyday, I didn't hold her everyday, I didn't put her on a pedestal everyday, telling me that I should have asked her what else I could do to make her life easier.

 

But, she never made me feel special everyday, she didn't treat me like a king everyday, she didn't try to hold me everyday, she didn't put me on a pedestal everyday, and she never asked me what she could do to make my life easier.

 

And yes, when the 3rd party inserts them self, any problems will be overblown. The dirtbag 3rd party will use anything to their advantage to perpetuate the fantasy of the affair, thus making the BS look like crap.

[96nole]

 

 

But my changes wouldn't have likely made a difference.

 

They were her issues with depression and always "needing" something new and exciting in her life. That's what motivated her. And when it wasn't a new house, a new car, a trip somewhere, or whatever, I think she just decided at some point when she got some male attention that she was willing to go there, even though I don't think she was like that when we married.

 

Were we married to the same woman? My God, she sounds just like my ex.

 

Last year she even made the comment that she needed more excitement in her life. Always wanting to get a new car. Always wanting to go on another trip somewhere. Which would have been fine if she wasn't always working.

And she wasn't like that when we got married.

[confusedinkansas]

before the affair....

My husband was acting like a jack-ass.

Tried talking with him more times than I could count. Talk about a mid-life crisis! Sheesh. He had one in MASS PERPORTIONS (& it was his second one...how many are men allowed to have BTW:laugh:)

 

I should have left him but I choose a different route.

Have my own mid-life crisis & find someone to help me cope. Which I did.

 

In hind site - I know it wasn't the brightest move I've ever made in my life.

 

Fast Forward 8 some odd years..........we're both REALLY glad we didn't hang it up then.

[seren]

For the best part of our pre A marriage we were truly, madly, deeply in love. We enjoyed each other's company as friends as well as lovers, then H had to take a posting 250 miles away from where had our house. My job was very demanding, but it brought in lots of dosh, involved me working long and hard, but it was for our future so I did it, H encouraged me, was proud of my success and so somewhere along the way we drifted.

 

We still made plans, still talked of our future, loved, laughed and then Iraq and Afghanistan and a whole heap of dammed awful times for H and he not feeling good enough, mainly due to things out of his control and my promotion and my cancer scare and he not feeling he could do anything to help, also, hate to say it, but I am known for my integrity and honesty and he just didn't feel he deserved me. I asked what was wrong as he changed, dramatically and was told nothing just work stuff. I missed it, I missed that he was screwed up and I missed that he was drifting away from us.

 

OW was so my polar opposite and not to be awful about her, H said he felt she was all he deserved. yes, it is very screwed up, but I missed that he needed me to put my foot down and say enough, but I thought he needed head space. I should have noticed it was more than that, but you cannot make someone talk when they don't want to.

 

Now? our marriage and relationship is just so dammed good, I just wish we were where we are without the A as part of our history, but it is. I do think that H and me realising just how far we had drifted and how we almost lost us made us both understand how much we were at risk of losing. I suppose that because it had been so good for so long the never happen to me thing just became the norm. I lived it and have learned from it and can say that taking my eye off the ball will never happen again.