mz'sgurl Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Ok, this is gonna be long but please try to read it. I met this guy through an online gaming site almost a year ago. Things kinda happened from there and we fell for each other (was a slow process that erupted around Jan-Feb). I had just gotten out of a relationship prior to this, the relationship was pretty much dead for a year.. I guess I was just there as long as I was because of the son we share and the stability I had. Anyways, me and this guy decided to meet, and he came to stay with me for almost 6 weeks. It was absolutely perfect, everything I've ever wanted. He had to leave (he lives in the US, I'm in Canada) and since then has been working at getting the money to come back up here for good. Since he left though, I've been questioning him. For whatever reason I just feel very insecure about his feelings for me. We haven't been able to talk much because he's been busy, and he has been legitimately busy (helping his mom move to another state, finding work, was ill for a couple of weeks) but I still question him on his feelings. He would reassure me, and I'd be fine until a day or two passed with no contact, and the doubts and insecurities would creep up and get me again. Last night we had a talk about all of this, and he says he loves me and he misses me, he's just not sure if 'us' could work because I've changed, and I've been driving him away because I keep questioning him about his feelings and "stuff I shouldn't be questioning". I know I've been a royal pain in the rear since he left, but it's only because I miss him so much and I've never done this before. It's damn hard, and I do think we really have something and so did he until I started acting the way I have been lately, and even that's gotten better over the past week or two. Also, he said stuff like "he's hindering me", and gave me this complete bogus line about how 'he's not sure if it was his feelings or empathy' when he was crying when he had to go. What the hell is all that about, and why? Now he wants to wait and see how it goes and make a decision in August, but he still might come up next week for a week depending on how tired he feels when he gets off of work on Friday (trip involves leaving on the bus at 10pm and not getting here until Sunday afternoon). Is it too late? I've finally figured out after all this time what exactly's been bothering me so much and figured out why I've been acting the way I have (feeling insecure, feeling abandoned even though he had no choice but to leave, lack of communication even though due to circumstances there wasn't much to do about it at the time) but did I figure this out too late? He seems like he doesn't want to completely give up on us, and I hope he doesn't, there's no question in my mind he's the one for me, but he seems really fed up with me and admits he's seeing me negatively now. I really don't want to lose this guy and I'm ready to put aside my issues for this to work.
FreeMe Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Originally posted by mz'sgurl 'he's not sure if it was his feelings or empathy' when he was crying when he had to go. What the hell is all that about, and why? What IS that about? So he wasn't going to miss you, he just felt bad that you had to say goodbye to someone as wonderful as him? If that's true then you DO have reason to doubt his feelings for you, but it sounds to me like he was just trying to backpedal and make it seem as if he wasn't so crazy about you to begin with. I would ask him to explain that statement to you. It could be that now that he's actually thought about the whole undertaking of saving the money and relocating that it's a little too scary for him. If that's the case, then this is nothing you've done. You simply sensed something was amiss. If you have pushed him away, I'm not sure you can fix it - probably the only way is if you see each other again and kind of reestablish that bond.
Author mz'sgurl Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 I do think he's backpedaling.. I'm an emphatic person, and the way he was.. there's no way that was empathy. He also said he had a 'gut feeling' that coming up here was the wrong thing to do when he came the first time. I really do think he's just scared. Also, something else he said that's been bothering me as well. He said he questions whether anything he does will ever be good enough for me. Is he maybe feeling like he's unworthy of me a little bit by saying this? If he is I know it's partially my fault for that because I have been questioning him on a lot of things, things I have no reason to question on top of that. I know I have my issues I've got to work out, and I feel I'm doing really well with it, especially over the past few weeks. I've renewed my faith in him, I know how he feels, I've always known that, I have no reason to disbelieve him because he's never backed from his word to me, and he's never let me down. I'm supposed to call him tonight.. maybe if I can convice him to come up for that week for us, not for me, not for him but for us, maybe this situation we're in right now will be fixed, or at least start to be fixed. I know that he loves me, everything he's ever done has shown me that. Why I've been questioning him, I'll never know but something to me just doesn't feel right, like something is out of place or something is wrong with him, and I just haven't been able to shake it.
FreeMe Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Originally posted by mz'sgurl He said he questions whether anything he does will ever be good enough for me. My boyfriend says this and it's because he thinks what I want is unreasonable and/or more than he can give in terms of affection, devotion, and stuff like that. Because you've been kind of clingy and demanding lately, he probably assumes you'll be like that all the time. Sometimes when something feels "off" or not right, it's a valid gut feeling, but it can also be your imagination and paranoia! I went through that all winter and, as it turns out, it was sometimes valid and other times me being paranoid. When you're in an LDR, your only choice is to trust the other person, or end it. The only other alternative is driving yourself, and probably the other person, insane with worrying about it. (I guess that's pretty much true in any relationship.)
Author mz'sgurl Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Yeah, I have been driving myself a little crazy worrying over it, and it's starting to have it's effects on him now. I do trust him though, maybe it is just a bit of paranioa mixed in with the way he's dealing with this is just so much different than the way I've been dealing with it. Really he's been very consistant and calm about everything, and I've been in a panicky mess since he's left. When he's calm though, for whatever reason my brain interprets that as not caring, which has lead to this whole mess that we're in now.
Author mz'sgurl Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 Ok, just finished talking to him on the phone a little more about this, didn't have much time to talk though cause he was going out, but here's what he told me. Everything I've been saying to him has come across as me blaming him for whatever it was that I was having a problem with at the time. I told him he was misinterpreting what I was saying, I never meant to blame him for anything and I don't blame him for anything, and told him I was sorry for ever making him feel that way, and that it was never my intent to make him feel that way. I asked him about the empathy comment, and he says he's not sure, it's something he'll have to think about a little more. I guess it was emphatic, not empathy, and to him they have 2 different meanings, and he's not sure if they were his feelings or if they were mine he was feeling pretty much, which I still think is bs. I told him I was ready to put aside all my issues to make this work, and was ready to fully trust him, and admitted to him that I haven't fully trusted him up until now. He says he doesn't know if he can trust me, but he is willing to try and make this work. He says it's just become an uphill battle now compared to what it was, and he's not guaranteeing anything. He told he he hasn't given up on us or on me, he hasn't written me off 'yet'. About the trip, he said if he doesn't make it up here next week, he's for sure coming in August to see me. I told him there's no pressure on him for next week, if he wants to come I'd be more than happy to see him, but if he doesn't I'll understand and I won't hold any kind of resentment or grudge over it, and really I do understand where he's coming from on that - being on a bus for 2 days after a long week of work would be no fun for anyone. Should I just back off a bit now and let him cool down, give him some time to reflect, or am I already too late? He says he's not scared, I think he is scared of how he feels, but is not willing to admit it, or hasn't thought about it enough to realise it. As for relocating and everything, he told me to him he's not sacrificing anything, and he's already made a lot of sacrifice just to get here the first time and thinks it's silly that anyone would think he's scared of that now. I've just made a big mess of everything because of my mindset and the way it's been until recently and now I'm afraid I've done too much damage and nomatter what I do now, he's gonna keep the wall up and not let me in.
toolcutie Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 I can relate to you in some ways. I've noticed that since my boyfriend left, I've been questioning him a lot. I have a tendency to push him away because in my own warped mind it will somehow hurt less. By doing so, he's explained to me that he basically feels helpless, like there is nothing he can to do make me happy and that he constantly dissapoints me. Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way, helpless like there is no way he can ever be good enough for you because of all of the questioning you've been doing. I told my boy that I am aware that this is something that I do, and that he has to call me on it when it notices it, so that I can calm down and put things into perspective. I've come to learn that distance does strange things to people and can sometimes bring out the worst sides of you. My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot more than we ever did while we were together and I think it's generally out of frustration. I think you guys need to have a really long talk about everything, and lay it all out on the table. If it's important to both of you, then he'll quit being wishy washy and make a decision. But you will also have to do your part to try and put in all into perspective and try your best to stop the questioning. I know it's easier said than done, believe me I have my good and bad moments, but if you both want it badly enough you'll find a way, and everything will work itself out. Try not to assume to much and ask him not to assume too much either. And do your best not to over think the situation, which may be what he's doing. Sometimes you have to go with your first feeling, your gut reaction, and it seems to me the original decisions and choices made were the ones you both wanted at first. Maybe they are the same but because things have gotten a little "off" you're both second guessing which could be good, or could do more harm than is necessary. Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps to know you're not alone. Good Luck and take care. Toolcutie ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ "If there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me through this tedious path I've chosen here, I certainly would have walked away by now"
Author mz'sgurl Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 Originally posted by toolcutie I can relate to you in some ways. I've noticed that since my boyfriend left, I've been questioning him a lot. I have a tendency to push him away because in my own warped mind it will somehow hurt less. By doing so, he's explained to me that he basically feels helpless, like there is nothing he can to do make me happy and that he constantly dissapoints me. Maybe your boyfriend feels the same way, helpless like there is no way he can ever be good enough for you because of all of the questioning you've been doing. I told my boy that I am aware that this is something that I do, and that he has to call me on it when it notices it, so that I can calm down and put things into perspective. I've come to learn that distance does strange things to people and can sometimes bring out the worst sides of you. My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot more than we ever did while we were together and I think it's generally out of frustration. He has said that to me, questioning whether there's anything he can do or say that'll be good enough for me. We have been fighting a lot lately, I know a lot of my problem is stress related.. I take it out on him more than I probably should, and I realise all this now. Now my biggest concern is that he's not willing to look past this and see what we had prior to this and what we can still have, he's just stuck on the present and how I've been making him feel. I told him tonight, if you don't tell me how I'm making you feel, I'm never going to know. I just wish he would have told me sooner, maybe things wouldn't be as bad as they are right now for either one of us. The impression he's giving me though, he's not so willing to look past these current problems. Whether he just needs some time to think things over, or some good 3rd party perspective I don't know. I'm just not liking where this is going right now, because everything he's been saying and the way he's been saying it seems like he's already given up, even though he's told me he hasn't given up, the fact that he said 'yet' afterwards is telling me otherwise. Perhaps I'm over analyzing it?
toolcutie Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Well as I said before, you may need to do your best to try and not over think the situation. Sometimes when we over analyze, things can start getting really complicated without reason. Maybe you need to take a step back. Tell him you're going to back off a bit, and that you're sorry if you've made him feel that way. Do you really think that you being somewhat insecure has caused all of these issues with him? Maybe you're over thinking this whole thing through or maybe he's the one who's taking all of this too much to heart. As I said, I know my boyfriend had similar issues until I explained everything to him and although I don't know if it really has made it better for him, at least he knows what my position is and now we can deal with it together instead of holding grudges and taking things personally which is what had been happening. I realize now that he needs me to be there and be supportive of him as much as I need him to be there and be supportive of me. I wish I could fix everything for all of us who are having a hard time with our LDR'S on this board. But I hope it at least helps to talk about it. Toolcutie
Author mz'sgurl Posted June 30, 2004 Author Posted June 30, 2004 I don't think my insecurities have been the cause of all the problems, I do think he's scared of how he feels about me, and with me being the way I have been it's confused him I think. It does help talking about it though, 3rd party perspective is a good thing, helps you see things you don't normally see on your own.
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