How much honesty do you expect?

[tanbark813]

Over the past 4 months of being with my current girlfriend, I have learned that she has had a pretty hectic past. I knew her in high school, after which we lost touch, and then got back in touch recently. We're both 26.

 

Apparently in college she, as many people do, had her crazy phase. Lots of drugs, an eating disorder, etc. She has said that she basically lost her mind. She still managed to graduate with good grades though. She basically lived like a hippie (she went to UC Davis, surprise, surprise).

 

Now, to make this clear: I don't care about all that stuff. Her life is calm and stable these days, she has a good job, is getting her Master's, etc.. She's a good person.

 

One thing came up over the weekend, though, that did bother me.

 

In past conversations, it has been mentioned that her family and people she didn't know used to think she was a lesbian for various reasons. I've also noticed that she checks out girls as much as a guy might. So this led me to ask her if she's ever had a relationship with a girl. I'm what some people might call metrosexual so it's not uncommon for me to attract bisexual girls. On two separate occasions she flatly denied ever having any kind of relationship with a girl in the past.

 

However, the subject came up again this past weekend and I finally found out that she has been romantically interested or involved with girls in the past. She was very reluctant about giving me information but has assured me that she strongly prefers guys to girls. She didn't really want to go into her past because it's not something she likes to talk about.

 

I got a bit upset that she denied things when I first asked her but then later admitted the truth. Now, I don't care about what she did before me. I really don't. My main concern here is that she wasn't open with me from the start.

 

I can kind of understand, though. Maybe she didn't know where this was all going the first two times I asked her things of this nature and didn't want to get into that conversation at the time.

 

I made it clear that I expect honesty in a girlfriend, but she countered by saying that there are some things she feels she doesn't have to tell me and I can't expect her to answer any question I ask. It's not like I'm going to ask her about every aspect of her past, but sexual preference is something I think I have a right to know about my girlfriend. It's not that I care that she's been involved with girls in the past, but it does change things as far as, say, if she goes out with girl friends, I can no longer assume the relationships she has with them are strictly platonic. It adds another dynamic to social interaction.

 

Finally, all I could get her to admit to was that while she hasn't had sex with a girl, she has at least kissed girls and been romantically and sexually attracted to them. She told me that she's never had a girl she would officially call a girlfriend, but she had this to say about her college days: "Imagine the kind of relationship a group of hippies would have with each other. That's basically what it was."

 

I'm your typical white, suburban male who listens to rock music so I don't have any first hand experience to that kind of lifestyle. So I was also wondering if anyone out there had more experience with this sort of thing?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Four months is a relatively short span of time to get to know someone. It will take at least a year before you will have any clue as to what a person might really be all about. During this time, information will be slowly filtered out to you on the "need to know" basis. The more comfortable your girlfriend becomes with confiding in you, the more she will reveal. Most people don't wear their past on their sleeves or enter into a relationship armed with a resume and references. It's our job to ask the right questions and sort it all out during the "getting to know you" stage.

 

Taking it slooow and careful can be difficult when our libidos are trying to override the rational part of our brains. It’s a cruel trick of nature to keep us breeding before we snap out of the hormonal fog and realize: "Oh, oh…I just mated with a moron!"

 

I wouldn't consider your girlfriend's past to be an absolute indicator of who she is today. I would more strongly consider the kind of person she is now. Everyone goes through the folly of youth and trips up along the way. I'm more inclined to believe your girlfriend's brief interest in other women was more out of curiosity and experimentation. After all, today's society almost encourages female-on-female sex. If you've spent any time hopping the club circuit or hanging out at parties during your frat days, you'll understand that many women do this to get attention (however negative) from other men.

 

I **DO** know of three friends who discovered after being in long-term relationships that their partners were bi-sexual or homosexual. (Perhaps I could persuade my partner to come here and share his story). However, in all three cases, they were taken totally by surprise because there weren't any "red flags" or so-called "signs" to look for. I think in these cases, they weren't trying to "hide" anything from their partners, rather they were trying so hard to deny their sexuality to themselves.

 

Give her a little more time, TanBark, and encourage her to continue to be open with you. If you refrain from any knee-jerk reactions or jumping to any hasty conclusions (yet) she'll feel even more comfortable talking to you. In time, you'll have all the answers you need.

[Jonny Madness]

I think trying to label someone with one of 3 (?) sexual orientations is kind of limiting. We're all trying to figure out what sex and love is all about, and we do what we do. Many "heterosexual" men have homosexual experiences, and vice versa. My analogy is this: If you get sexual gratification from the vibrations of a washing machine, does that mean you are in love with it?

 

My first love ended our 4 year relationship because she suddenly "discovered" she was gay. She ended up developing strong feelings for another girl, and it was just as much a surprise to her as it was to me (so she said). We were engaged to be married, and it was HER who gave me a ring and asked me to marry her! Now, it's obvious that she was overcompensating......maybe, who knows? She was the tomboy type, but also very feminine, and very sexual and we had a lot of great sex.

 

You never know when a person is going to pull something like this on you. As far as I was concerned, I would have bet the life of my firstborn child that we would be together forever. I could "feel" that she loved me, I could tell by the way she looked into my eyes. Then BOOM! What? That's insane! We were very close and open with each other, and I never had one indication that she might ditch me for anyone, let alone another girl.

 

So, if you actually have reasons to believe she might be attracted to women, then it's likely she will want to experience it at some point. Unless she already has, and feels that it's not for her. At any rate, I would be very cautious and take things slow like another poster suggested. It takes more than a lifetime to really get to know someone.

 

Jonny Madness