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Broken up for 7 days, N/C is not working!!


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Posted

My ex-boyfriend just broke up with me today last week. We were really good friends before we started dating and I know that we both can not just have no contact between us forever. But I thought it would be the best thing to do, especially for me. I want to mourn the loss of our relationship and not put myself out there to be hurt, especially by getting my hopes up and have them crashing down. So I have been mentally preparing myself for no contact with him and not ever mentioning anything to him about it. And for me, it is very difficult of course, but I just know it has to be done. It drives me crazy to always wonder where he is, what he is doing, who he is with, etc.. But I need to focus on ME!!

 

Anyway.... 2 days after we broke up, he was especially worried that I would hate him or resent him for breaking up with me. When he has contacted me, it has mainly been through instant messenger or texting. And when he has contacted me, I have made sure not to respond right away, but to let some time linger, then respond. Well, we decided that we would be friends again, of course. I mean I definitely want to be and with our situation in many classes at school (college) together and sharing mutual friends, it would be best to become friends and too awkward not to be. I really miss him and care for him deeply and love him very much, so I do not resent him at all for our breakup, but I am of course, very hurt.

 

So here's my dilemma... as much as I want us to be close again and have everything go back to 'normal' (whatever normal is), it is just soooo difficult. And he doesn't really make it any easier by randomly contacting me saying stuff like 'stop being sad' or 'im not worth being upset over'. I want him to contact me, I like knowing that he is thinking about me still. But at the same time, I know that it is best for him not to contact me, because he is just getting my hopes up of us having a second chance. I don't know what is the best way to go about this thought process!

 

I know being friends is important to both of us and he has shown that he cares about it a lot by always contacting me showing that he does care, but it hurts when I know it's not for us to get back together... Should I just ignore him totally? What if he never comes back to me, as a friend or more? What is best?

 

Thanks...

  • Author
Posted

Sorry, I forgot to add some other lingering thoughts...

 

He has always been the one to initiate contact, especially lately. And his primary concern has been to make sure that I'm not all torn up over the breakup. But why? Is it possible that he wants us to start over in a sense? To go back to being friends, close friends, again, and then just see what happens?

Posted

I wouldn't assume that his concern for you is an indication that he wants to resume the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that you once had. It is possible that he still does care for you and is genuinely concerned for your well-being but I think you should view that as a friendship instead of a more intimate relationship. No one wants to feel guilty about hurting someone they care about so in his mind he probably feels like he's helping the situation by showing that he does care for you it's just now the type of caring you'd prefer to have from him right now.

 

Everyone needs some time alone after a break up and I think you need to communicate this with him. Let him know that you'll be all right and you're not angry or mad at him but that you do need some space. If you are truly friends then a few months without contact won't make that friendship disappear. Explain to him that it's okay if he doesn't contact you every day. You know he cares for you as a friend. It's okay to step back for a while. It doesn't make him a bad person.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out between two people. There doesn't always have to be someone at fault.

Posted

Uh uh. Nope. Read Sinner's post on emotional somethign or other-he wants to be friends in case whatever he's doing at the moment falls out and he needs someone to fall back on. Cut him off. You don't have to be rude, but don't allow him acess to you or your personality. Breaking up is breaking up-be civil, but not friends until some time has passed, and you've had time to heal and make yourself less vulnerable. Protecting YOU should be number one right now. Feel better soon. :-)

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Posted

Thank you both very much for your input. I am definitely taking them into consideration.

 

And that's just yet another lingering thought...

 

Do you think it is possible that he is already seeing someone else and his driving intentions to be my friend are so that he doesn't feel guilty about totally abandoning me for someone else? I mean a couple days after we broke up, I already asked him if there was someone else and he said 'no' and returned the question to me. Then he said that there never was anyone else. But who knows? A week later? Ya think it could be possible?

Posted

listen, a good friend of mine for 3 years and i started dating 6 months ago and he dumped me 2 weeks ago because we were fighting due to me wanted things to move faster and him not being ready. although our break up circumstances are different, i'll tell you what i think about him "wanting to be friends immediately":

 

my ex, though he said he wants to focus on our friendship, does not call me every day. he needed time and space for himself, that's what i'm giving him. if i see him once every 2 weeks, that's enough -- but for your ex to contact you consistently, and say things like "don't be sad, etc." i think that he's looking to keep you around in case another situation doesn't work out. i'm not sure, but the only way you can tell is if you just ask him not to contact you for a while until YOu have moved on.

 

i don't want to compare apples to oranges here with my situation and yours, but i do know that if my ex had broken up with me for reasons other than not being ready and our arguing and then wanted to be friends immediately i would be red-flagged so to speak. he hasn't clung to me "friendship-wise" for a security blanket, and knows the risk that he has taken by needing time apart.

 

just evaluate how genuine your ex is...maybe he just needs time apart to think about things...ask him DIRECTLY what he needs, what he feels, what his motiavtions are. guys need to be spoken to in a very DIRECT manner. that's what i did, i was very very direct with my ex and he expalined everything to me. and i totally understand, too. once you find out what he wants, needs and what his motives are, you can make a decision and move on with your life.

 

this has been the worst experience ever for me, but i know where i stand at least. and i'm ok with seeing him once or twice a month, but not a consistent friendship. it's just too soon. i think if you take the break up slow, slowly become "friendly, but not friends..." you can see exactly where things are headed -- either to a dead end, or to a new beginnig.

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