anotherperson Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 My girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me about a month and a half ago right when I got back from my first year of college. I'm still very much in love with her. Meanwhile she says that she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. She also says that she has lost her attraction to girls. However, she still wants to be close friends. For more on the past history of the relationship, you can click here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41254/ We've been trying to "just friends" thing; however, I'm not sure it's working or even what's going on. A few nights ago, a mutual friend decided to hold a "girl's night" in hopes that my ex and I could hang out as friends. The entire evening my ex went between being friendly and majorly hurtful. We talked about everyone going to Pride in SF - and she went off about how she didn't have to go anymore and how she was so happy that she had no more ties with that community and no more gay friends and no obligations to that world. Odd that someone that was making a scrapbook to commemorate the gay marriage events would say something like that. Even odder to say that when their gay ex-lover is sitting next to them. Then she goes off on some "I'm so happy to be straight" thing... Finally, that ackward moment ended and we all started making dinner. Ex shot some of flirtacious(?.. at the least, not things friends would do) glances at me from across the kitchen while we were both working. Again, I'm confused. We all sit down and start talking about the house (mutual friend was housesitting); I mention that the pool is heated. Ex's response? She suggests we all go skinny dipping. This, luckily, did not occur because it turns out the pool is solar heated.. not actually heated. Instead we go to the original plan and put on a movie. Everything seems fine other than the ex messing with my arm with her foot for a few minutes. We finish the first movie, and go to put on the second one that she brought, But I'm A Cheerleader. At this point, she asks our mutual friend to trade places with her on the couch, because she "doesn't want to sit in the middle anymore." I offer to trade, since our friend didn't want to move, but my ex insists on trading with our friend... such that now our friend is sitting between us. We start the movie. Tension grows in the air, and mutual friend and I start to wonder why she brought this movie. After the movies ends, my ex was originally going to spend the night. She had brought all of her stuff with and it was 1am. Instead, she says she's going to drive home. We ask her not to and she says she's awake enough. Ok. Fine. She gets her stuff together to leave, walks into the other room, and gives our mutual friend a hug goodbye and says goodnight. I go to open the door for her --- and she walks right past me without so much as a goodbye or a hug or.. anything. Just quickly out into the night. I ended up calling after her "drive carefully!" to which she responded "I will" without turning around or slowing at all. The next night, she IMs me telling me she can't sleep. We talk about nothing for forty minutes until she goes to bed. I IM her the next day, and she signs off. Then yesterday she skips classes (we have a summer class together at the local college), cries all day, and posts something that evening about having changed and basically for everyone to f**k off. We shouldn't expect to "understand her" anymore because she is "in flux" or something. Help.. please. This is tearing me apart. I've tried not contacting her, but she either IMs me or occasionally calls or initiates conversation in class. Then I think things are working out so that we can at least be friends (although I would be lying to say that I don't want the relationship back) and I put my hand out... only to get it chopped off, so to speak. What is she thinking? What's going on? What can I do? I don't want to cut her out of my life entirely. I want her to be a part of the story. But this is killing me and I don't know what's going on or what I should do.
uriel Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 Your ex is confused -- not just about her relationship with you but about her sexual preference and what that means for her identity. Sounds like she desperately wants now to be "normal" -- as much as the dominant culture still labels being hetero that. She still seems to be very much attached to you as a friend. You were her emotional comfort / anchor. But, her confused sexuality / identity is undermining any romantic basis this attachment previously had for her. That's very painful for you, so painful that I think you should stop contact with her until you are more healed. Just for your understanding, in case it helps your healing: She's asserting her hetero identity in front of you and others to create a barrier to the past. She wants you to accept that she's changed because that will help HER accept that she has. I don't know whether she has or not. I also can't tell why this is so important to her now. Do you have any insight into how she felt about her sexuality / identity before and why this might have changed? Did she consider herself lesbian or bi? What kind of identity / subcultural associations does she have with those sexual identities? What about a hetero lifestyle -- is there some reason aside from sexual preference that she might have rejected it (fear of men, disgust with marriage)? Thinking through this might help you see that she's not rejecting YOU but something in herself. Unfortunately, what you had together was based on a certain self-understanding she had. I'm sorry that's ended up being so painful for you. But you are still the great person, the good partner, you always were. Don't forget it. -- uriel
Author anotherperson Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 Thank you so much, Uriel. Your words help more than you could know. I've been thinking much the same thing, but I was afraid I was reading into the situation... thinking she was acting strangely when in reality she wasn't or something, despite mutual friends telling me otherwise. It's nice to have an outside opinion. In answer to your questions, she considered herself to be straight before we met. Then, about two years ago, she broke up with me in a similar manner - saying that she realized that she really wasn't attracted to girls and that she needed to end the relationship. Given about a month/month and a half, we were back together again. Four months later, a guy that she had been interested in for a long time asked her out and she broke up with me to try a relationship with him. Our "break up" lasted all of one day before she decided that she "couldn't live without me" and we were back together. Since that point, we were together until last month when she broke up with me. This was a serious relationship for a long time; we even talked about marriage for awhile before we decided that we were too young to approach that topic yet (although we lived together for about 7 months quite happily). While we were together, at some point she began labelling herself as bisexual. At that point, I thought she'd resolved her issues with being with someone of the same gender. I guess I was wrong, because they resurfaced this last semester while I was away. She apparently, I pieced this together after the fact, became very insecure a few months ago and thought that I was going to end the relationship for some unknown reason. She got very depressed for about three weeks and then very clingy. Being LDR at that point, I didn't know what was going on. I wish I had. I wish she'd said something. Whatever test I was being put through, I didn't pass, because then she suddenly began telling all of our friends how she wasn't gay anymore. But I suppose that's not particularly relevant at this point, seeing as how it only released the larger issue of her fear of being gay (I think). More thoughts on this now that you have more information? You're right about not contacting her, and I'm going to continue to do that. Now I just have to decide what to do when she contacts me...
uriel Posted June 29, 2004 Posted June 29, 2004 What you've said makes it more likely than ever that she's having an identity crisis. Obviously, if this girl was having sex with you for 2+ years and enjoying herself, she feels same-sex desire. Problem is -- she doesn't like what that means about her. She doesn't want to be bi or gay identified. She feels like if she's in a relationship with another women -- rather than just getting drunk and experimenting as any straight girl is allowed to do in our current youth culture -- she's going to have to wear that label before herself and others. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to do that -- doesn't have the guts, has some internalized self-loathing about who / what she is or how she feels. Fact is -- When she's with you, she feels you, emotionally and physically. That freaks her out now. She wants to run away from the whole thing. She's having trouble letting go of you. I'm sorry -- this happens to gay and lesbians with some immature partners. My brother went through the same thing with a couple of bfs along the way. Please give her up. She's too confused to make a go of this any longer. You need to find a partner (eventually) who doesn't care what others think and doesn't internalize their messed-up ideas about what it means to be bi or lesbian. -- uriel
Author anotherperson Posted June 29, 2004 Author Posted June 29, 2004 uriel, I'm sorry to hear that your brother had to go through the same thing too; I've heard this story from more and more people these days. Letting go is easier said than done. Aside from the difficulties of turning off emotions, I keep thinking that if I hang on just a bit longer, I can wait out this confused stage. Time brings emotional maturity and I feel that she will grow out of this... does that sound crazy? I want her in my life, if I just hold on a bit longer -- that kind of thinking. I just got done talking to her on AIM. I put up an away message with comments directed to a few different people - one of which mentioned the class we have together (that she missed yesterday). I told her that she could aim me if she wanted to about the movie. The instant I put it up, she came back from being away and IMed me. And of course, we chatted again, because I never seem to be able to keep things simple and to the point. She did something cute and without thinking, I called her "cutie:)" ... she didn't call me on it. Bah. I don't know how to cut ties with her, if that is the best thing to do. I want to be her friend, but trying that, she just goes back and forth which damages me emotionally. I want to be in a relationship with her... but I don't know what chance I actually have with that in reality. My heart says yes - and that she still cares about me. My brain says that my emotions may just be clouding my vision. I don't know if I can keep doing this though, and your advice to give her up seems sound. How does one go about keeping NC when the ex calls/IMs/etc. though? And... is that really the best thing to do? It just... it seems given what the situation appears to be that there must be something that can be done to reverse this situation. It doesn't feel like she doesn't care. It feels like there are one or two things holding her back (main one being identity issues) - and that seems so .. reversible.. if only the right actions could be taken at the right time. Have I gone totally crazy?
uriel Posted June 30, 2004 Posted June 30, 2004 Well, like I said, I think she does care about you -- still has feelings. She doesn't want to be bi or lesbian anymore, so she doesn't want to act on anything but the friendship aspect of those feelings. Problem is, that's having her cake and eating it too. She gets to have the friendship part of your relationship, still infused by the power of your love, with no sex or relationship ties. She gets to see other people, etc. We get down to the old friends with an ex problem -- straight, gay, whatever, it's not an easy one to address. Basically, you can keep trying to be just friends, but keep a close measure of your pain. If it gets to be too much, tell her you need no contact. Expect her to respect it. If she doesn't, ignore her. It's incredibly difficult, but sometimes the only way to fully heal and move on. --uriel
Recommended Posts