Managed Exit

[VivienViolet]

I could never condone a managed exit, because I have no desire to be involved with anyone who needs to play on an uneven field.

 

IMO, a managed exit comes from an insecure person with a desire to 'best' someone else. In the context of your other posts that mention how your experience is exceptional and often superior to that of others, it seems like you have a competitive nature and get satisfaction from besting other people. You have been married a spell now and are still dwelling upon how you bested your exW, so you must get some satisfaction from that experience.

 

I suggest more counselling to get to the root of why you get satisfaction from feeling superior to other people.

[Radagast]

Was that also a "managed exit"?

 

It appears that you did to her what she did to her first husband.

 

I don't know much about the details of their divorce. I was a student, overwhelmed with being away from home for the first time, and she would periodically move into my halls of residence room and stay with me, and then go back to him, on and off for what seemed like forever. She started to stay longer and longer, and eventually stopped returning to him at all. And then one day announced that they were divorced. I did receive some letters from him during all the to-ing and fro-ing and of course some physical threats of violence but the details largely passed me by.

 

Yes, it does seem I did to her what she did to him, although she does not see it like that. I was supposed to save her and I failed at that.

[frozensprouts]

the thing with a 'managed exit' it the assumption that the spouse who is kept in the dark is somehow unable to handle the end of their marriage, and thus they require 'managing'...

 

it is interesting to note that, up until the point of the affair ( or "manged exit") the betrayed spouse is more often than not viewed by the spouse who wants to leave as quite capable of handling things, now all of a sudden they need to be treated like a child who is not capable of handling themselves or coming to a fair an equitable end of their marriage?

 

If one views a "managed exit" in the context of an affair (which I assume is the way it is being viewed here, seeing as it's in the "infidelity' section and not just the 'separation and divorce ' section") , then it would seem that the wayward spouse has every reason to try and "manage" the exit , a big part of which is hiding the affair. A spouse may be far more apt to view a divorce in an amicable light if it seems the marriage has ended due to issues on the part of both spouses versus their marriage ending because the wayward spouse has cheated and has lied about it.

 

If the "managed exit" was truly done for the sake of the children, then both spouses would be involved, as they would work together to make it as smooth as possible for the children. after all, wouldn't it be better for both parents to know about the split and be able to work together to prepare the children for how things were going to be versus one parent springing it on their spouse out of the blue?

[Radagast]

hwy did your ex wife not obtain the services of a lawyer for herself? why did you do this for her, instead of giving her the option to do so herself?

 

I know , on the surface, it may seem very magnanimous , but it sounds very controlling to me. Did she not have any funds of her own that she could use to hire an attorney t represent her best interests? why did you have to do this for her? if she didn't have the funds for herself, why not allow her access to the funds and allow her to select her own attorney?

 

She had her own money and certainly could have retained a lawyer. She had an initial consultation with "my" lawyer, that I had used for everything else previously, which may have been simply to prevent me using him as I then needed to find someone else myself. I found a divorce specialist who came highly recommended. She chose not to continue with "my" lawyer who was not a divorce specialist and who had told her (I found out later) that he felt uncomfortable representing her against me given our professional history. She chose at that point not to have a lawyer, to represent herself. I was uneasy about that, as was my lawyer, so he compiled a list of lawyers in the area who were also members of collaborative family law networks who shared the approach of non-confrontational divorce and she found someone on the list she was happy with and I offered to pay. So she did select her own lawyer (twice) but I paid for it.

[Radagast]

the thing with a 'managed exit' it the assumption that the spouse who is kept in the dark is somehow unable to handle the end of their marriage, and thus they require 'managing'...

 

it is interesting to note that, up until the point of the affair ( or "manged exit") the betrayed spouse is more often than not viewed by the spouse who wants to leave as quite capable of handling things, now all of a sudden they need to be treated like a child who is not capable of handling themselves or coming to a fair an equitable end of their marriage?

 

If one views a "managed exit" in the context of an affair (which I assume is the way it is being viewed here, seeing as it's in the "infidelity' section and not just the 'separation and divorce ' section") , then it would seem that the wayward spouse has every reason to try and "manage" the exit , a big part of which is hiding the affair. A spouse may be far more apt to view a divorce in an amicable light if it seems the marriage has ended due to issues on the part of both spouses versus their marriage ending because the wayward spouse has cheated and has lied about it.

 

If the "managed exit" was truly done for the sake of the children, then both spouses would be involved, as they would work together to make it as smooth as possible for the children. after all, wouldn't it be better for both parents to know about the split and be able to work together to prepare the children for how things were going to be versus one parent springing it on their spouse out of the blue?

 

There was no assumption that she could not handle the end of the marriage. That had nothing to do with it. The assumption was that I should not throw the whole family into upheaval again so soon after the last time until I was sure that leaving was what I wanted to do. It had nothing to do with whether or not she could handle the end of the marriage. It had everything to do with whether or not to through the children's lives into chaos again once they had only just regained stability on a whim that may come to nothing. I had seen what that had done to them and did not want to do that again unless it was necessary.

 

There was no attempt to hide the affair before the divorce. She knew that that was why I wanted to divorce and indeed had it not been for the affair and the fact that I was committed to someone else she would likely have clung harder to prevent the split.

 

Every attempt was made to involve her in preparing the children for the split, but she chose not to participate.

[Radagast]

I think the "managed" exit people usually get worked up about is when a WS plans to leave, and is making plans to leave, without giving the BS a heads-up at all, depriving the BS of a similar opportunity to make plans. It sounds like yours was not that type, and as such the outrage may not apply to you in this circumstance.

 

My ex-wife holds a rather different view on that.

[frozensprouts]

She had her own money and certainly could have retained a lawyer. She had an initial consultation with "my" lawyer, that I had used for everything else previously,which may have been simply to prevent me using him as I then needed to find someone else myself . I found a divorce specialist who came highly recommended. She chose not to continue with "my" lawyer who was not a divorce specialist and who had told her (I found out later) that he felt uncomfortable representing her against me given our professional history. She chose at that point not to have a lawyer, to represent herself. I was uneasy about that, as was my lawyer, so he compiled a list of lawyers in the area who were also members of collaborative family law networks who shared the approach of non-confrontational divorce and she found someone on the list she was happy with and I offered to pay. So she did select her own lawyer (twice) but I paid for it.

 

 

hmmm....

so she tried to "manage" her exit from the marraige in a way that was most adventitious to herself by obtaining the services of a lawyer she happened to know? Was she just trying to get some recommendations from him re; finding a lawyer versed in family law who could help her( BTW...how did you find out the reason he wouldn't represent her? I hope it wasn't from him, as that would be very unprofessional).

 

Seems to me the most aggravating thing to you about that was that she pinched you to the post, and called him before you did, so you couldn't use his services. she beat you at your own game ( managed exit)

 

what would have happened had she not selected a lawyer you approved of? would you still have offered to pay?

[Radagast]

hmmm....

so she tried to "manage" her exit from the marraige in a way that was most adventitious to herself by obtaining the services of a lawyer she happened to know? Was she just trying to get some recommendations from him re; finding a lawyer versed in family law who could help her( BTW...how did you find out the reason he wouldn't represent her? I hope it wasn't from him, as that would be very unprofessional).

 

Seems to me the most aggravating thing to you about that was that she pinched you to the post, and called him before you did, so you couldn't use his services. she beat you at your own game ( managed exit)

 

what would have happened had she not selected a lawyer you approved of? would you still have offered to pay?

 

She did not know him ("my" lawyer) I had used him for professional dealings before that did not involve her but she did know I had used him previously because she phoned a colleague of mine who'd been involved with that to ask him for the name of the lawyer and where to find him. It would have been an unlikely source for a recommendation, given how many friends and colleagues she could have approached as well as lawyers in the village rather than travelling so far to see him (in another town). I found out the reason when she told me; I had assumed she would be retaining him and when my divorce lawyer told me that he had called him and been told that he was not representing her I contacted her to ask her for the name of her new lawyer and she told me.

 

I wanted her to have a lawyer, and I wanted her to have a competent lawyer. I did not care where she found one or who it was, frankly. I wanted the divorce over as soon as possible and I wanted someone competent handling it on each side. Of course I would have paid because I wanted it done!

 

And no, I did not find her approaching him first "aggravating", I would probably not have used him myself anyway as he was not a divorce or family law specialist and I wanted to know I was getting the best advice on an important matter.

 

The aggravation came from other things.

Edited June 11, 2012 by Radagast

[Trimmer]

It seems you have substantially refuted points posters have made about the negatives associated with what is thought of as a "managed exit." So in that sense, was it really a managed exit?

 

There was no assumption that she could not handle the end of the marriage. That had nothing to do with it. The assumption was that I should not throw the whole family into upheaval again so soon after the last time until I was sure that leaving was what I wanted to do. It had nothing to do with whether or not she could handle the end of the marriage. It had everything to do with whether or not to through the children's lives into chaos again once they had only just regained stability on a whim that may come to nothing.

I think you have thrown the discussion off on a tangent by centering it around the question of a "managed exit." It seems to me your wife's complaint (irrespective of the terminology used) is not one of the management of your exit, but of the timing of your exit...

[PhoenixRise]

It seems to me that the type of managed exit that most posters (not necessarily just BS's) get upset about involve hidden assets or keeping one's intentions hidden until the moving truck arrives, or moving behind someone's back while they are at work or on a trip.

 

It involves have the WS actively moving forward with building a new life without the BS while the BS is obliviously moving forward with continuing to create a life together with the WS.

 

It may work to the benefit of the WS and if that is all that matters then mission accomplished. But it is unfair and cowardly in the extreme.

 

I think when one says managed exit in the context of an infidelity board what I have described is pretty close to the common interpretation of that phrase.

 

However this does not seem to fit the description of the OP's own situation. According to the OP and the subsequent posts by the OP all cards were on the table regarding the end of the marriage and that part of the relationship was handled truthfully. This is the polar opposite of what most people mean when they refer to a managed exit.

 

I don't see how the fact that the OP's wife didn't like it has anything to do with BS's in general not liking managed exits. The OP's wife probably didn't like anything about the OP at the end of their marriage, the way the OP ended it wouldn't have been an exception to that.

 

But I think a real issue here is that what the OP is calling a managed exit is not what many others here think of as a managed exit.

Edited June 11, 2012 by PhoenixRise

[xxoo]

My ex-wife holds a rather different view on that.

 

I understand, but when you refer to the outrage on this board, I doubt that it is in response to the kind of "managed exit" you are describing.

 

I have seen here too where the unfaithful spouse is managing an exit that this gets widely slated and somehow regarded as immoral or unethical.

 

It may be that, in those cases, there really are immoral and unethical motives in the "managed exit". It really depends on how the exit is being managed, no?

[woinlove]

I understand, but when you refer to the outrage on this board, I doubt that it is in response to the kind of "managed exit" you are describing.

 

 

 

It may be that, in those cases, there really are immoral and unethical motives in the "managed exit". It really depends on how the exit is being managed, no?

 

I agree with this observation. It is usually the deception and lack of respect to serve self-interests that people object to in managed exits. Radagast has explained previously that what he calls his affair did not involve deception and he and his W had agreed in advance that monogamy was not part of their M. I really think Rad's case is very different and most people would not call this a managed exit involving an affair. To use the same terms is a bit confusing and gets people talking about what people usually mean by affairs and managed exits.

[seeker2010]

Long story short: If you hedged your bets and tried out a new relationship before you put an end the marriage, that wouldn't put your character into a really awesome light. If that were the case, one would hope that the current relationship/former OW-OM would be able to put out of his/her mind what you did to your former spouse, in case you were to get dissatisfied with the current relationship, too.

Edited June 17, 2012 by seeker2010

[Radagast]

Most likely when your ex physically left she was herself in the process of having an active affair, whether you know that to be the case or not.

 

This is something I have wondered about myself.

[Eddie Edirol]

This is something I have wondered about myself.

 

Yeah Rad, you said your BS packed up and left her ex husband, maybe blindsiding him with the affair with you at the time, which she didnt have to really look at him.

 

She would rather you moved out immediately so she didnt have a reminder in her face everyday of how she failed you in the marriage?

 

Does she think you are deliberately throwing her failures, and your affair in her face by not moving yet and managing your exit?

[seren]

Putting aside the emotions, the rights or wrongs of an A, I would hope that anyone I shared a history, family, home, finances with, would recognise that their actions had an impact upon my life, upon how I chose to live my life, plan my future and make decisions based upon truth - in other words, to be able to make an informed choice. For the other person to be making plans, even waiting while they decide on what works best for them, that will change my future is not just controlling but also speaks of a lack of respect for me as an autonomous person.

 

A managed exit is only acceptable, IMHO, if both people in the relationship are managing it at the same time and with all the facts in order to make an informed choice. anything else is just dishonest and self serving, whatever it is called.