Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 thanks guys! you are actually right! I have a coffee date at 12pm today...A who crew of my friends and my kids are going to the movies at 2pm...tonight is the walking dead which is our favorite show on sunday. It starts at 9pm so I am going to tell the ex wife to come at 10 to get the girls... I do have a lot of work to do Sunny your right. I understand helping other but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant help myself! You guys may think its BS but my drivers license is a huge issue... I dont live in NYC...I live upstate NY which you really need some sort of transportation to do most anything even if it is to go somewhere and donate your time in helping others or whatever. This new book (the power of now) Is helping me a little bit..I am going around all day thinking about things and trying to analyze and fix things in my mind. Truth is, Its a waste of time. I gotta do my best just to keep the head clear of these thoughts in order to keep my mind free to enjoy the present and be more concious..
2sunny Posted December 2, 2012 Posted December 2, 2012 Step 3 is about letting go! Let God do the work! Whatever you choose for your God. And when you reach out to others - you will get evidence that your God does beautiful work. And it's effortless.for now, this is as good as its gonna get - because you are trying to manipulate and control it ALL. I know a guy in Austria who rode a bike 3 hours to get to a meeting - that was one wy! People who intend to do this find a way IF they are willing! It's not useful to focus on what you DON'T have - it all works out for a reason. You needing to know means you don't trust Gods plan. And just DO step 12 - help others - it's part of your duty - and the best part - yet you avoid it. Stop avoiding the work that will make things better!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 2, 2012 Author Posted December 2, 2012 You know I read up on alot in this thread and in books. All of which say be thankful...I understand and I am...For my 3 great kids, my home, my kids, health, my job, my parents, my friends, my personality, my abitilities, my senses, my functions, etc etc....I am thankfule! But being thankful and feeling like sh@t about yourself are two different things no? how is this going to make me feel like a better person? How is this going to cure my insecurities? Trust in god is another one...I know god has his plan for me but again how is this going to make me feel like a better person and stop the pain inside me? I am lost in this way of thinking I dont measure up in the sack...How does being thankful and knowing god has a plan for me cure that emotion? Its been almost 10 months now and I still feel the squeeze on my heart atleast once or twice a day. Its not so much because I miss and love her...Its the damn insecurity! It really doesnt bother me she isnt here..I am starting to realize that. What bothers me is I feel she left cause she is getting something I couldnt give to her in bed. How does any guy who's wife had an affair and left them for another not drive themselves crazy? How do they deal with it? Do they just blank those thoughts out? If so, Does it actually work? I have met a number of women but none who I really click with or feel that chemistry with and its driving me crazy! I want someone else in my life to be whole again but I know I should feel whole and happy being by myself. That is my goal...But how when I have this constant annoying insecurity over my head?
2sunny Posted December 3, 2012 Posted December 3, 2012 You know I read up on alot in this thread and in books. All of which say be thankful...I understand and I am...For my 3 great kids, my home, my kids, health, my job, my parents, my friends, my personality, my abitilities, my senses, my functions, etc etc....I am thankfule! But being thankful and feeling like sh@t about yourself are two different things no? how is this going to make me feel like a better person? How is this going to cure my insecurities? Trust in god is another one...I know god has his plan for me but again how is this going to make me feel like a better person and stop the pain inside me? I am lost in this way of thinking I dont measure up in the sack...How does being thankful and knowing god has a plan for me cure that emotion? Its been almost 10 months now and I still feel the squeeze on my heart atleast once or twice a day. Its not so much because I miss and love her...Its the damn insecurity! It really doesnt bother me she isnt here..I am starting to realize that. What bothers me is I feel she left cause she is getting something I couldnt give to her in bed. How does any guy who's wife had an affair and left them for another not drive themselves crazy? How do they deal with it? Do they just blank those thoughts out? If so, Does it actually work? I have met a number of women but none who I really click with or feel that chemistry with and its driving me crazy! I want someone else in my life to be whole again but I know I should feel whole and happy being by myself. That is my goal...But how when I have this constant annoying insecurity over my head? How? The answer to all those questions is in my post this morning!!!! IF you're listening - you're sure not DOING! But you just won't DO the step work! DO ALL 12 steps!!! Do them ASAP - THEN you can tell me how you're feeling! Get busy! Isn't it obvious YOUR WAY isn't working for you? Why not do what ya gotta do? 10 wasted months being unhappy - when you COULD have been happy a long time ago if you would have done the steps thoroughly and honestly! Do the work!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Hey guys....things were getting a bit better with how i felt the past few days but today is a nightmate for me! I have been reading a book my therapist suggest called the power of now. It has helped alot suggesting to blank out your past worries and futuretroubles. To live for now and enjoy every minute. Let ur ego go and do not judge. I understand it and it has helped a bit but there is one thing I dont understand.if i constantly live for nowand drop my ego what am I not supposes to protext myself? For instance.....my wife picking the kids up late after work...why should I keep my mouth shut when i know that she is probably hanging with him! Wouldnt it make me a sxhmuck not to say anythimg and being walked on? Or am i taking this all the wrong way?I get so damn disgusted why people like us have to go threw such hardships in life while others have all the god damn glory! Never hertbroken nothing!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Sorry guys but the idea of the holudays are killing me!
aMguilts Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Sorry guys but the idea of the holudays are killing me! hurts_so_bad Me too. Can be the worse time of year for a lot of ppl. It`s not all happiness and everyone pulling together. For a lot it can be the loneliest time of the year. I cant wait till its over aM
bvelvet Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 You know I read up on alot in this thread and in books. All of which say be thankful...I understand and I am...For my 3 great kids, my home, my kids, health, my job, my parents, my friends, my personality, my abitilities, my senses, my functions, etc etc....I am thankfule! But being thankful and feeling like sh@t about yourself are two different things no? how is this going to make me feel like a better person? How is this going to cure my insecurities? Trust in god is another one...I know god has his plan for me but again how is this going to make me feel like a better person and stop the pain inside me? I am lost in this way of thinking I dont measure up in the sack...How does being thankful and knowing god has a plan for me cure that emotion? Its been almost 10 months now and I still feel the squeeze on my heart atleast once or twice a day. Its not so much because I miss and love her...Its the damn insecurity! It really doesnt bother me she isnt here..I am starting to realize that. What bothers me is I feel she left cause she is getting something I couldnt give to her in bed. How does any guy who's wife had an affair and left them for another not drive themselves crazy? How do they deal with it? Do they just blank those thoughts out? If so, Does it actually work? I have met a number of women but none who I really click with or feel that chemistry with and its driving me crazy! I want someone else in my life to be whole again but I know I should feel whole and happy being by myself. That is my goal...But how when I have this constant annoying insecurity over my head? Because it's not about YOU. It's about her. You did the best you could do. I'm going through the same thing right now and it's only been a few weeks since my wife left me for another guy (and to find passion in general she says). It's tough as hell and I wonder who this person I was with for all those years is but I'll be damned if I'm not going to try and move forward. My first step was to set up mediation to get the divorce started. She made it clear she did not want to work on the marriage so I have to stop fighting reality.
bvelvet Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Hey guys....things were getting a bit better with how i felt the past few days but today is a nightmate for me! I have been reading a book my therapist suggest called the power of now. It has helped alot suggesting to blank out your past worries and futuretroubles. To live for now and enjoy every minute. Let ur ego go and do not judge. I understand it and it has helped a bit but there is one thing I dont understand.if i constantly live for nowand drop my ego what am I not supposes to protext myself? For instance.....my wife picking the kids up late after work...why should I keep my mouth shut when i know that she is probably hanging with him! Wouldnt it make me a sxhmuck not to say anythimg and being walked on? Or am i taking this all the wrong way?I get so damn disgusted why people like us have to go threw such hardships in life while others have all the god damn glory! Never hertbroken nothing! Who cares what she is doing? It's actually not your business anymore. She made that decision for you. I get it. I'm still looking at our phone records to see the 40 times a day they text so I'm not there yet either but really... it's just wasting your energy.
2sunny Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Yes. Your ego is in the way. And you thinking about the holidays isn't staying in the moment - right now, is it? You aren't utilizing your higher power at all! Stop worrying about YOU - and how YOU feel! Start staying in the moment and appreciate that you are here now! She will do what she's gonna do - or not do. YOU can't control her. YOU can control YOU. As far as her time with them... Make arrangements for HER to handle her time she's supposed to have! This is your boundary. You don't have to say yes to having them IF/since you don't want that. Tell her it's HER time - and you have commitments - and she needs to make other arrangements for their care if she's working. No need to give her ANY of YOUR personal info or attack her for any circumstances! Just tell her it's HER time with them and its HERS to figure out how to do that.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 Yes. Your ego is in the way. And you thinking about the holidays isn't staying in the moment - right now, is it? You aren't utilizing your higher power at all! Stop worrying about YOU - and how YOU feel! Start staying in the moment and appreciate that you are here now! She will do what she's gonna do - or not do. YOU can't control her. YOU can control YOU. As far as her time with them... Make arrangements for HER to handle her time she's supposed to have! This is your boundary. You don't have to say yes to having them IF/since you don't want that. Tell her it's HER time - and you have commitments - and she needs to make other arrangements for their care if she's working. No need to give her ANY of YOUR personal info or attack her for any circumstances! Just tell her it's HER time with them and its HERS to figure out how to do that. Hi Sunny... I believe in god as my higher power but do not believe he has us pre destined...Maybe I have it wrong....Maybe we are pre destined and for him to judge us on our actions threw life...I dont know...I always believed he created us to have free will to do as we please as a test to be judged later. If our lives were pre destined what would be the sence of it all? Anyway, getting off the religious stuff...I do like the book and do believe living in the now. I am trying! I did it all day yesterday and although I still felt the lingering pain in my chest my head was clearer and I was much happier. Thing is, The book also tells you not to judge and let go of you ego...Thats the part I dont get! If I dont judge or let anyone know what I dont like wont people walk all over you? How do you prtect yourself? Do you just walk around all day without emotions like a mummy? lol...Just trying to figure things out is all...I am so confused at times!
2sunny Posted December 6, 2012 Posted December 6, 2012 Do you think God would be please if/when you ALLOW others to walk all over you? READ THE BIG BOOK! DO the work in there! Seps 10 and 11 show you what it looks like when using YOUR will - and what good BALANCE looks like! It's NEVER FORCING YOUR WAY! That's not gods will! And 11 is designed for you to have a clear mind so that you can easily READ OTHERS ENERGY and act accordingly based on YOUR intuition and what that tells YOU! You trying to FORCE your wife to stay with you is YOUR will! You were supposed to surrender to Gods will in step 3! You need to start getting evidence that you trust your God! You trying to control it always means you think you have a better idea than God. You are wasting time and energy trying to get it to be YOUR way. You aren't working a SOLID program. Get a sponsor and DO all 12 steps THOROUGHLY! Any time you want things YOUR way = that's not Gods will - and that's not recovery. Start helping OTHERS every single day!!!!!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 6, 2012 Author Posted December 6, 2012 It doesnt bother me that my girls are here...I love my girls! It bothers me that I feel like I am a baby sitter for her and her boyfriend to go **** at her place while I am watching the kids... I am being told to let it go, you cant control what she does, live in the now and be happy...I understand it all but how can I be happy when I feel Im being made a fool of? I feel like not saying anything just gives her more time to get closer to him... I also feel like if I say something it gives her recognition... Im so ****ing lost in my head!. just when I feel like I understand things poof! there I go again! Cant wait to see my therapist tomorrow!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 I have my ups and down sunny so forgive me but, Gods will has made me so miserable that I thought of jumping in front of the A train a few times the past 10 months! I understand that if I was in the now and believed in gods will that I wouldnt think of my ego or any other bad **** that might aggrevate me. Thus making me care less and enjoy the moment I am in... I get it all and understand it but are you not supposed to feel anything? anger or pain from what is happening right now? If you do arent you supposed to act on it?
2sunny Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I have my ups and down sunny so forgive me but, Gods will has made me so miserable that I thought of jumping in front of the A train a few times the past 10 months! I understand that if I was in the now and believed in gods will that I wouldnt think of my ego or any other bad **** that might aggrevate me. Thus making me care less and enjoy the moment I am in... I get it all and understand it but are you not supposed to feel anything? anger or pain from what is happening right now? If you do arent you supposed to act on it? Yes I FEEL it - but I don't need to react or over react to EMOTIONS! When I'm mad I tell the person! I'm angry that you did______! And I'm not digging it! You seem to hand ALL YOUR power to your wife! DO your steps! I keep telling you what you need to DO - and you won't do it! That is your stubborn, angry SELF WILL! And worrying about yourself is YOUR WILL and EGO! When YOU start helping OTHERS - you won't be worried about YOU or your wife anymore! Get busy! Sheez! You've WASTED 10 lousy months doing it YOUR way!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Yes I FEEL it - but I don't need to react or over react to EMOTIONS! When I'm mad I tell the person! I'm angry that you did______! And I'm not digging it! You seem to hand ALL YOUR power to your wife! DO your steps! I keep telling you what you need to DO - and you won't do it! That is your stubborn, angry SELF WILL! And worrying about yourself is YOUR WILL and EGO! When YOU start helping OTHERS - you won't be worried about YOU or your wife anymore! Get busy! Sheez! You've WASTED 10 lousy months doing it YOUR way! So what are you saying? I should tell my wife she needs to be here earlier? I am getting caught up with what I want to say and what I think I should do! Thats the problem...I dont know if you remember about maybe a month ago you told me not to bother with her for a while and see where it goes...Thats what I am trying to do. I dont want to show her any emotion and thats whats eating me up! I want to tell her she needs to be here earlier but I dont want to because I dont want her to think I give a ****! Make any sense to you?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 She just pulled up to get the girls at 8pm....What can I say I have a thick thick head! I went outside and she told me sit in the car cause I had a tanktop on. I sat in the car and told her this isnt working! I love my girls and they are welcome here all they want but I am not a baby sitter for her! She said she just got out of work and stopped at the store. She showed me her work badge and that she was still in work clothes.... I am probably not doing the right thing by showing Igive a **** but sometimes maybe you just have to be a man and say what you feel! Sorry if I am not taking your advice sunny but maybe one day i will get it! I certainly hope so! I feel like a man with no direction who is searching. Guess its cause I still love her...I dont know but maybe I am just trying to change myself into someone I am not with reading all these books etc when I should just be who I am! bing filled with emotions then being told not to act on them when you feel like your being taken advantage of feels like a real kick in the face...One that I cant handle right now
2sunny Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 Wy didn't you tell her you aren't taking them anymore on Thursday afternoons? Just be blunt wit her! Call her now and tell her EXACTLY when you will have the kids- and SHE NEEDS TO WORK OUT HER ARRANGEMENTS HERSELF! There is O room for any argument! She can pay daycare! It's ON HER! Stop making it EASY for her to USE YOU like HER DOORMAT! When you don't like it - tell her NO! And when she tells you to sit anywhere - tell her F&&@ NO!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 Wy didn't you tell her you aren't taking them anymore on Thursday afternoons? Just be blunt wit her! Call her now and tell her EXACTLY when you will have the kids- and SHE NEEDS TO WORK OUT HER ARRANGEMENTS HERSELF! There is O room for any argument! She can pay daycare! It's ON HER! Stop making it EASY for her to USE YOU like HER DOORMAT! When you don't like it - tell her NO! And when she tells you to sit anywhere - tell her F&&@ NO! ur noy understanding the full story here....we agreed on joiny cusyody and that the kids would be dropped off at my place for me to see them till she gets in from work. IF i hadent agreed on this she would have full custody and I would have to pay her $500 a week instead of the $600 a month that I am...no one is being uaes as a doormat trust me!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 7, 2012 Author Posted December 7, 2012 She could open up a huge can of worms if she wants to trust me! I said what I Needed to say but cant take it to far!
2sunny Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 ur noy understanding the full story here....we agreed on joiny cusyody and that the kids would be dropped off at my place for me to see them till she gets in from work. IF i hadent agreed on this she would have full custody and I would have to pay her $500 a week instead of the $600 a month that I am...no one is being uaes as a doormat trust me! Then stop complaining if its what you agreed to and you don't intend to change it! 1
aMguilts Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 I have my ups and down sunny so forgive me but, Gods will has made me so miserable that I thought of jumping in front of the A train a few times the past 10 months! I understand that if I was in the now and believed in gods will that I wouldnt think of my ego or any other bad **** that might aggrevate me. Thus making me care less and enjoy the moment I am in... I get it all and understand it but are you not supposed to feel anything? anger or pain from what is happening right now? If you do arent you supposed to act on it? hi hurts_so_bad My understanding is " God helps those, that help themselves" Not that i believe in any diety but isn`t that true? Putting all your trust in "God" is not the same as putting all your faith in Him? Or am i talking bolony? The ups and downs is the rollercoaster you are on. Try and recognise when you are down and specifically what caused it to happen. In time you will learn to avoid the downs, and not necessarily stay "up", but you won`t go as far down Are you keeping a journal, day by day? Just writing down how you feel can sometimes help. Wish you well Am
aMguilts Posted December 7, 2012 Posted December 7, 2012 She could open up a huge can of worms if she wants to trust me! I said what I Needed to say but cant take it to far! hurts sorry but in bold, this is the sort of thing to never think. Cos whenever you think stuff like this you will come across as weak. Doormattish...is thats an abjective? Seems you are scared of her for some reason? I think you are scared because you still have hope? She will see through this and all the time you are like this she will NEVER want you back. Get it out your head she`s late because she`s With this other guy. Just try and see as " yeah ok, she`s late again!!! But i`m not going to let it effect me and i`m NOT going to let HER see that it effects me....cos I`M stronger than that!!" Good luck. Smile:D. (you never know who`s looking) aM 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 Has anyone ever read a book called the poewr of now? Doea anyone practice it? Ive been reading it anthough it sounds great I am a bit confuwed how it works.....I understand keeping ur mind in the present cause life always unfolds in the present and that it will change things a lot. I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PRACTICE this and not think about the past of future too much as my mind lately has been a chatter box of sick sick thoughts that gey me nowhere but depressed....I have been doing what I Can to stay in thw momentas well as meditating. Some times I feel great but mostly I still feel lkle crap. With a lingering pain in the center of my chest.....Is there anyone who can give me a quick idea on how living in the now is supposed to work? am I supposes to nlock out my feelinbs from the past as much as I can? Arent u supposed to recognize at all how u feel....I kinda get it but I Dont
Author hurts_so_bad Posted December 10, 2012 Author Posted December 10, 2012 hurts sorry but in bold, this is the sort of thing to never think. Cos whenever you think stuff like this you will come across as weak. Doormattish...is thats an abjective? Seems you are scared of her for some reason? I think you are scared because you still have hope? She will see through this and all the time you are like this she will NEVER want you back. Get it out your head she`s late because she`s With this other guy. Just try and see as " yeah ok, she`s late again!!! But i`m not going to let it effect me and i`m NOT going to let HER see that it effects me....cos I`M stronger than that!!" Good luck. Smile:D. (you never know who`s looking) aM I get what u are saying and understandbut if I just let her come pick themnup ajyyimes she wants wont that make me look like a doormatbas well? Or r u saying who cares what she thinks and not show her it bothera me?
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