Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 maybe I do have to do the 180 then...I know you gus been telling me no contact but I figured that might not be the best approach as I was the one for so long that f@@ked up and maybe being nice would show her I changed. It is apparent though that when I act as if I dont give a s@@t she seems to start too... I have been working on myself as much as I can. L:ook I got the house back now and Im now working on my license. Ive been at the gym for thhe past 8 months lost 30 pounds and look great! There is still something missing! LOVE! You guys tell me my best approach and I will listen this time!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I want my marriage to work, I still love her....I do have a funny feeling that when (who knows when that will be!) I am over her and move on she may come knocking. Right now she has nothing to fight for cause she knows I am here....God do I wish the day I stop caring comes soon!
2sunny Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Seriously - IF your wife wanted to get together to see you - she wouldn't be silent, she'd be begging to see you...but she's not! Her silence told you everything she's not going to say! 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 Seriously - IF your wife wanted to get together to see you - she wouldn't be silent, she'd be begging to see you...but she's not! Her silence told you everything she's not going to say! then why keep agreeing to see me? Go out with me? call me to meet her at a club?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 well you want to get back with her and reconcile? Well, the best approach is to LET HER GO let her go y? just cause its never gonna happen or it may if I let her go?
Steadfast Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 let her go y? just cause its never gonna happen or it may if I let her go? Love is a two-way street. In your life, it's one way. All you going to her. How many of us loved and wanted? Most all I suspect. Her actions tell you what she wants. She wants what she wants, when she wants it. Sometimes that's you...to be near. For comfort. Most of the time (it seems, from here) she wants something/someone else. Or whatever. No you. Not then. You are thinking her crumbs are better than no meal at all. That is settling for less than you deserve. That isn't love...it isn't even an average romance. Over 200-replies of mostly solid advice here. Read them again.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 she is hear now...I asked her earlier if she wanted to come by and watch the walking dead...I need to stop with this, You guys are right! Its not helping its hurting...Guess I should give up huh?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 22, 2012 Author Posted October 22, 2012 ok, i`m gonna be blunt( you know me!) you are delusional. Want proof? Go re-read what you just replied to me y am I delusional?
trippi1432 Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 She hasn't really come out and said, "I want to reconcile, I noticed that you've changed, I trust in those changes in you now", has she? She may have felt a stirring of emotions in a moment, but she may not be able to put the past behind her easily. You've owned up and see your side of where things went wrong (kudos to you for that, I have an ex who never did and continues on his downward spiral). The fact is HSB, two people with the history you have, where so much hurt and resentment has built up for over a decade may not be able to get it back. That's where you have to choose how to proceed with your life. While I admit that you do step 4, 5 and 10 very well here on LS and perhaps with others....where did your wife fall on step 8 and how did your wife take step 9?
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 Try an experiment... Don't talk personal to her or see her socially at all for six months- and just sit back and wait and see IF SHE asks to spend "intimate time" with you (that doesn't mean sex). IF she really wanted to see you she would beg! Instead you have her over to "watch some movie" - of which never allows for things to be discussed that would build intimacy, quite the contrary - it helps two people avoid discussing what's really on their minds.
2sunny Posted October 22, 2012 Posted October 22, 2012 she is hear now...I asked her earlier if she wanted to come by and watch the walking dead...I need to stop with this, You guys are right! Its not helping its hurting...Guess I should give up huh? Why would you ask her? That just seems so counter productive after everything posters told you today... You certainly don't take the advice given - just the same as what you did with the counselor. Get a new counselor- and DO EVERYTHING they suggest! That would be change! You still think you're in charge! You still think you need to "have it YOUR way!" Doing it like this - this is as good as its bound to get. Stop trying to control it! Go back and DO step 3 again - you're NOT supposed to be in charge! 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 Hurts...come over to the uk and we`ll go out for a beer or 2 If i had a quid, for everytime you`ve replied with " you guys are right!" or "i need to stop this" ... i`d be `minted`!!!. Give up? Give up what exactly? What do you feel you are giving up? I hate to be the one to break the news to you but... You are no longer with your wife. This hasn`t sunk in for you yet.(after all this time?? ) Your right about one thing thou...spending time with her is doing you NO good at all. Answer to your question about giving up? Yes, you do give up. Then you start getting on with your life. Once you start doing this, only then will she see you`ve `changed` . Or , you can keep on doing what your doing now. up to you coops I know coops again I will say it your right! Its hard to move on but I have too at this point..NO good is coming of it..I was trying to hold on. I wanted to move on thinking finding someone else which made it even harder cause of the no drivers license thing right now. But I need to move on without a women in my life for now. So I can really learn and be able to go on without that. If I can be by myself for a while and be happy I will be happier the next time around. No beers by the way!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 24, 2012 Author Posted October 24, 2012 plan is as little contact as possible. There has to be contact due to the kids but when we do, The acting and saying my feelings needs to go! Hi how are you? whatever else needs to be discussed thats it. Is that or not what you suggest? You may or may not understand this but its been 8 months and I am still longing for love. It may not ever be from her again and I realize this. So I have been searching. Problem is its so hard to move forward with the lack of my drivers license. Not many women want a guy who's life is in shambles and cant even drive a car! That may be why I am still so focused on her. The DMV is dragging a@@ so its a waiting game! If I had the license I would have had more freedom whether it be finding another women or not. The ability to drive is a big deal and helps alot. I am now back at my home so things are getting there, It just takes time. In the meantime I am still hurting...How are things going on your front? Havent heard anything..Still together? Hope so!
karnak Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 They say a woman is the best way to forget another woman. I wouldn't say "forget" is the right word, but it sure helps put a lot of things in perspective.
sapientia Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 The licence is just an artificial barrier, an excuse, for not going after what you want. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. Figure out what you really want, no barriers like a licence or money or whatever. Pay attention to what you are feeling just before you think about finding love. Shhh, listen... THAT'S the real issue. Now, go forth and CRUSH whatever is keeping you from it.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 its been since feb big big sigh you will never listen will you? So if you had your licience back, then what? You would be complete?? The only person stopping you, is you hurts. always has been, always will be I cant and wont post on here anymore, i`m just wasting my time. sincerly...good luck , i wish you the best coops No matter what i say to u coops its never good enough! What is it u wanna hear man? I say i love her and wanna work things out u tell me im delusional.....then i finally decide to give up and try to move on you say u give up on me. Threw all ur posts i havent heard one concreteword of advice...juat ridicule...do me a favor and just for once answer me what u would do!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 25, 2012 Author Posted October 25, 2012 The licence is just an artificial barrier, an excuse, for not going after what you want. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. Figure out what you really want, no barriers like a licence or money or whatever. Pay attention to what you are feeling just before you think about finding love. Shhh, listen... THAT'S the real issue. Now, go forth and CRUSH whatever is keeping you from it. im not to sure exactly what u are talking about....what i said is not an excuse...look..i want to start dating again with someone i really like. Its obvious my wife moved on so now i must. I wanna love and be loved again...im a 43 year old man and good looking at that. Its not as easy as u make it sound to just run out and get what u want. The license is a big issue especially with dating!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Hey guys its been a while...The Pain is still here almost 9 months later...NOt as bad but still here. Ive read plenty of posts saying "Your happiness lies within you or you have to find happiness within yourself" My question to you guys/gals out there is, How did you? Did you look at your life and all the good things in it? Did you look at all your good points? I am still very hurt and ashamed that my wife has done this to me and it still in many cases makes me feel like less of a man, That the new man may have something I dont! I know this is something all men go threw when something like this happens... How do I get over it and make myself feel better about me even with that lingering thought in my head? Again, I know happiness and feeling good about yourself comes from inside...But how? What can I do to make myself feel better about me?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 Why They Come Back When You Let Go The only thing I am confused about is one part is the second paragraph down that says, "People that know who they are" What EXACTLY does this mean? I never thought about who I am and its kind of confusing! Do people walk around saying to themselves all day who they are or do they not think about it just knowing they are confident in who they are. What makes a person who they are? Im confused and this all may sound nuts to you! lol.. Just curious!
2sunny Posted November 2, 2012 Posted November 2, 2012 What do you stand for?what represents you? For me... I stand for truth. If you don't know - you may want to find out...
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 2, 2012 Author Posted November 2, 2012 What do you stand for?what represents you? For me... I stand for truth. If you don't know - you may want to find out... I am trying to find out, I never thought about it before! ....What attributes of a person makes them who they are too know who they are, to respect who they are? I have a lot of qualities like honest, funny, outgoing, caring, Handy, smart, etc...I mean is this what makes you who you are? Is this what they mean? Sorry just really confused and think maybe I am thinking way too much into this sh@t
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 6, 2012 Author Posted November 6, 2012 Hi guys...I am realizing at this point it is over and Im doing my best with the no contact thing for me and me only...Not to win her back but to heal...Its been a long 9 months and I still feel the pain in my heart! thinking of her with another man is just ripping at me and ripping....I have picked myself apart time and time again, Feeling insecure and inadequate! I have tried to find ways to be more secure to no avail..What I have been thinking is maybe the truth is that I am not insecure...I dont know...I may just feel this way cause of what has happened in the past 9 months and that these thoughts are normal for anyone, even the most secure...Everyone says we become insecure versions of ourselves...So maybe I am just picking at myself for feeling this way thinking if I was more secure I wouldnt feel this way...Get me? I am totally unsure at this point but willing to move forward. I have made an appt with a therapist in my area for tomorrow night. Lets see what happens...I have one question for you guys though....People have said a number of times that feeling good about yourself comes from within....How do you feel good about yourself? What do you look at that makes you feel good about yourself? What you have accomplished? Personality? What? I want to make a list of things to read each and every day that would make me feel good and confident about me but dont know what? Sorry if Im rambling! Im still very confused! People say know yourself! Know what? Who I am? Who am I? What aspects of me make me me? You have to know what to look for to make such a conclusion about yourself....If anyone can understand what I am talking about please give me some advice on this..
2sunny Posted November 6, 2012 Posted November 6, 2012 I know what I stand for - truth. I speak my truth and I have a voice. I believe in energy...positive vs negative energy. I stay away from negative energy as much as I can while growing positive energy as big as I can. Yes, I have choices. I look around to do my best each day to help others - all day long - everywhere I go. That makes me happy helping others (complete strangers usually) - without expecting ANYHING in return. If my good deeds are found out by anyone - they don't count. If there's ANYTHING in it for me - that's not good for my goal of helping without any reward or acknowledgement. These things make me HAPPY! Crazy good happy! My life has never been so good - I am amazed at how awesome things have been since I started doing it this way nearly 5years ago. The less I'm thinking of me and what I need or want - the more things get amazing. Miracles in fact happen to me every single day! For me - I like a variety of books that help me be my best. Don Miguel Ruiz books all help me a lot! Deepak Chopra is great! Co-dependent No More by Beattie E. Tolle is awesome I could go on and on! 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted November 12, 2012 Author Posted November 12, 2012 I know what I stand for - truth. I speak my truth and I have a voice. I believe in energy...positive vs negative energy. I stay away from negative energy as much as I can while growing positive energy as big as I can. Yes, I have choices. I look around to do my best each day to help others - all day long - everywhere I go. That makes me happy helping others (complete strangers usually) - without expecting ANYHING in return. If my good deeds are found out by anyone - they don't count. If there's ANYTHING in it for me - that's not good for my goal of helping without any reward or acknowledgement. These things make me HAPPY! Crazy good happy! My life has never been so good - I am amazed at how awesome things have been since I started doing it this way nearly 5years ago. The less I'm thinking of me and what I need or want - the more things get amazing. Miracles in fact happen to me every single day! For me - I like a variety of books that help me be my best. Don Miguel Ruiz books all help me a lot! Deepak Chopra is great! Co-dependent No More by Beattie E. Tolle is awesome I could go on and on! Ok I get it sunny, Very similar to the books the secret, the magis and the power which I have read...I understand about the positive energy and positive thoughts. When your down in the dumps about yourself and feel insecure its very hard to overcome those thoughts. You have as well as other posters mention to me HAppyness comes from inside you...How is my question? teach me sensei! What the f@@k do I look at that would change my way of thinking about me. For instance...I have another thread up which I explain how I feel inadequate in bed since this whole mess...Too be honest, Thats whats hurting me the most at this point. Im not over that...How am I supposed to change that frame of mind? I surely cant feel good inside if I feel like less of a man! Maybe Im nuts but thats just me!
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