2sunny Posted August 4, 2012 Posted August 4, 2012 So - is that your boundary or an ultimatum? I would think YOU would decide what's best for YOU - and take the action to implement your goal. I suppose this is YOUR way of FORCING the decision to be left to HER to decide... Which seems backwards to me.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 4, 2012 Author Posted August 4, 2012 So - is that your boundary or an ultimatum? I would think YOU would decide what's best for YOU - and take the action to implement your goal. I suppose this is YOUR way of FORCING the decision to be left to HER to decide... Which seems backwards to me. Hey sunny, ultimately it is her decision if she does or doesnt want to be with me. I cant do rce her to do anything. its just that evry time we talk and we are nice to eachotber I get the wrong impression and am back to square one the next day. I just feel like cutting her off would.be easier fore to handle and move on....its been nearly 6 months and my ego is still shattered.....is this normal? Ive done it all....bettering myself, getti.g things done that need to be done....I guess the fact that I am still stuck at my parents witb no car doesnt help! Just wish I could get over these damn insecurities this has causes me.....
2sunny Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Happiness isn't dependent upon what someone else is or isn't DOING - it comes from WITHIN - that's what YOU'RE doing backwards... 2
dreamingoftigers Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 Just read the damn book and then make a decision. Jeez. Don't be pushing the finish line any closer if that's not the direction you want to go in. Crabby today, ignore the crabby part. 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Just read the damn book and then make a decision. Jeez. Don't be pushing the finish line any closer if that's not the direction you want to go in. Crabby today, ignore the crabby part. Lol! Thats ok we all have our days....im not pusbing anything. I only had the seperatio. Agreement done so that I can move on and start re uilding my life and to protect myself. She wants out of the home to buy a condo. So I am gonna buy her out but need to be protected legally tp make sure I cant vet screwed later.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Happiness isn't dependent upon what someone else is or isn't DOING - it comes from WITHIN - that's what YOU'RE doing backwards... Totally understand....shouldnt.have to rely on others words or actions to make me happy. I should be happy on my own and with my self.....question is how?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 19, 2012 Author Posted August 19, 2012 Ok guys i give up...i see nothing coming of this and at this point i just dont want to fight for her anymore. Trying to act certain ways in hopes it gets a reaction etc..tired of the bs...time to move on...all im asking u guys for is advice on self help books to help me get over this and once again gain my confidence back...i still have the lingering thoughts of what he has go better, feelings of inadequacy etc...i have done the gym new clothes bettered myself etc....this is my last step cauae none have made me feel any better...so guys/ladies please throw some titles at me to help me get my ego and confidence back intact...cause its time to really move forward here...
2sunny Posted August 20, 2012 Posted August 20, 2012 Ok guys i give up...i see nothing coming of this and at this point i just dont want to fight for her anymore. Trying to act certain ways in hopes it gets a reaction etc..tired of the bs...time to move on...all im asking u guys for is advice on self help books to help me get over this and once again gain my confidence back...i still have the lingering thoughts of what he has go better, feelings of inadequacy etc...i have done the gym new clothes bettered myself etc....this is my last step cauae none have made me feel any better...so guys/ladies please throw some titles at me to help me get my ego and confidence back intact...cause its time to really move forward here... Go see a counselor that actually holds you accountable to change by using new actions. One that encourages you change. Reading a book won't give you that. I am a lover of reading - but self help books are only as good as the effort you use to change you - with new actions. I love the four agreements by Ruiz. 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 20, 2012 Author Posted August 20, 2012 I am looking for a book that preety much pretains to my situation. I guess a self help book. How to get over the break up, how to gain your esteem back, How to feel adequate after feeling inadequate...Im not too interested in couseling. I thought about it but it takes too much time and too find the right one that will actually help will take even longer...besides, I am a very strong willed person. I can do anything I set my mind too...Ive done it before while living in a loveless home growing up with screaming and yelling and cursing. I can do it again...I got out and did what I needed to do..I was strong enough for that..Many arent. I am considering buying a ebook titled how to get your power back after she breaks up by Francisco Bujon...anyone ever hear of it? Have any comments on it? Hate to waste my cash on a bunch of BS!!! Any other good self help books FOR MEN! that you guys recommend?
2sunny Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I stand by my book recommendation. It changed MY life! It helped ME to understand things about ME that I needed to understand and work on. Learning to take my power back? I paid a top notch trauma counselor to teach me what I needed to learn. It was money well worth it! But NEVER would have worked if I hadn't started DOING everything opposite of the way I had always lived by what I was taught. I was a great little co dependent. I always considered myself dead last - and sacrificed too much of MY well being for others. Everything used to be backwards - not any more! Reading won't help unless you start DOING everything differently = THAT will give you a new result. 1
trippi1432 Posted August 21, 2012 Posted August 21, 2012 I would say Mars and Venus Starting Over....it's a way to understand how to rebuild...but I sing in band..what do I know? I leave with same guy who is drinking coffee, fusses at me if I get to the door before he does. I would think that one path leads you to live a life alone, the other shows you how to begin a life again...your choice.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 so I got the 4 agreements and mars and venus starting over...these books will help me with my esteem issues?? Thats the most important problem I have right now. Ive done a lot of research online and it seems I have a shame problem...I grew up in a home where there was always fighting, cursing, yelling, and always questioning..what are you going in the fridge for...turn the damn light off, dont do this, dont do that...It seems this life I grew up in made me feel very little of myself and always questioning my actions.... I was able to go forward with my life as productive as I could.. Unfortunately, I cant say the same for my sister who now has mental problems and still lives at home with these people I call parents...God willing it wont be too much longer before I get my home back and get the hell out of here... They are not bad bad people and will give you the shirt off their backs if they could but they just should have never stood together...Them staying together has impacted my life as well as my sisters life dramatically! I find myself now just wanting to rebuild and be the best I can be and feel the best I can about me instead of always worrying what someone else will think...Living life like that restricts you....
Author hurts_so_bad Posted August 21, 2012 Author Posted August 21, 2012 ok I need some fast advice cause I am going upstate tomorrow so need it before then. Heres the deal. I had a seperation agreement writtne up by a lawyer about three weeks ago...Its not to push for the divorce but more to protect myself legally with buying my ex out of our home. This was her idea by the way since she says she cannot handle taking care of the home. A copy was sent to who is supposedly her attorney. My attorney has gotten no response so he even went as far as calling her attorney and left a message. Still no response. My attorney is telling me her attorney isnt a divorce attorney but more of an accident attorney. He claims he isnt even sure if this guy is her attorney cause usually attorneys are a bit more professional on calling back other attorneys. Anyway, I am going up tomorrow cause I have probation and too see the kids for a few hours....I do NOT want to see her or talk to her. As I said, Im done with it and just want to move on. seeing her, talking to her only gets my emotions going again. However, I do need to talk with her to find out what the hell is going on....I dont really want to write her a letter or email....kinda screwed i guess...any ideas?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 15, 2012 Author Posted October 15, 2012 still hurting here guys! Its now eight months! Still cant get this crap of feeling inadequate out of my mind...What can I do? seems like its taking forever! Ive even been with other women and I have trouble in bed now...Mind is working overtime please help me out here...
2sunny Posted October 15, 2012 Posted October 15, 2012 Are you learning and growing about how to change yourself? Have you posted here under another name - if so, which one?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 Are you learning and growing about how to change yourself? Have you posted here under another name - if so, which one? Hey sunny...done all the steps etc....still feel like crap...regardless...same name. Still posting
2sunny Posted October 16, 2012 Posted October 16, 2012 Hey sunny...done all the steps etc....still feel like crap...regardless...same name. Still posting So with step 12 - are you working directly with newcomers doing step work with/for them - the ones that want to quit? You doing that every day?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 So...... you are having trouble `again` What do you need help with now? The hurting? The (errr ) erection problems? The mind working overtime?? Yes coops...still all that s@@t...cant seem to move forward from this now matter what I do...well you got back with yours if I remember correctly otherwise I would ask you how long it took for you to recover. How is everything with you?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 16, 2012 Author Posted October 16, 2012 So with step 12 - are you working directly with newcomers doing step work with/for them - the ones that want to quit? You doing that every day? Well not so much directly but I have been speaking at the meetings and sharing my stories with the new comers if that means anything...Just dont understand why I cant leave this burden of self pity behind me....I feel still like a broken man. That this guy must have had so much more than me to have her not come back. Its still killing me...I mean 8 months is too long no?
Steadfast Posted October 20, 2012 Posted October 20, 2012 FWIW, 8-months is nowhere near enough time to completely 'get over' anything. Especially considering you were married 17 years? I'm not sure if it's accurate, but a friend told me once it takes one month on average for every year together before you start to feel normal again. Whatever that is! Personally? I think it's more like three-years on average. Three years before one can fully embrace and enjoy passions again. The bottom line is, you are still dealing with the breakup and IMO, there is nothing wrong with you. Well, besides having your life destroyed. You loved her. It hurts. Dismiss any thoughts of being sexually inadequate...unless you have a real physical issue that keeps you from having sex. I'm not a woman, but as a man, I can relate first hand to the never-ending cycle of questions and mind-movies regarding my wife and other men. Unlike many, I got no details..NONE. Just "it's over." Four years later, I don't care about details. My ex probably spends WAY more time thinking about my sex life than I do hers. She should. If she were here, she'd agree it's the best ever for me. No matter what anyone says, sex is best between two people who love and care about each other. Sadly, most men have to be past 40 before they come to grips with what good sex actually is. Any woman who compares you with another is no better than a man who compares lovers on scale. It's amateurish. It's shallow. It robs one of their individually. Forget it. Your reality: wife is gone. Her choice. You must live with the aftermath of emotional change and move on. New plan. It doesn't happen overnight. It is a process. You don't need anti-depressants, liquor, or another woman to heal. You need time, strength and hope. It is there. Seek it out. Let it out. 2
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 FWIW, 8-months is nowhere near enough time to completely 'get over' anything. Especially considering you were married 17 years? I'm not sure if it's accurate, but a friend told me once it takes one month on average for every year together before you start to feel normal again. Whatever that is! Personally? I think it's more like three-years on average. Three years before one can fully embrace and enjoy passions again. The bottom line is, you are still dealing with the breakup and IMO, there is nothing wrong with you. Well, besides having your life destroyed. You loved her. It hurts. Dismiss any thoughts of being sexually inadequate...unless you have a real physical issue that keeps you from having sex. I'm not a woman, but as a man, I can relate first hand to the never-ending cycle of questions and mind-movies regarding my wife and other men. Unlike many, I got no details..NONE. Just "it's over." Four years later, I don't care about details. My ex probably spends WAY more time thinking about my sex life than I do hers. She should. If she were here, she'd agree it's the best ever for me. No matter what anyone says, sex is best between two people who love and care about each other. Sadly, most men have to be past 40 before they come to grips with what good sex actually is. Any woman who compares you with another is no better than a man who compares lovers on scale. It's amateurish. It's shallow. It robs one of their individually. Forget it. Your reality: wife is gone. Her choice. You must live with the aftermath of emotional change and move on. New plan. It doesn't happen overnight. It is a process. You don't need anti-depressants, liquor, or another woman to heal. You need time, strength and hope. It is there. Seek it out. Let it out. Thank You steadfast! Sometimes I get so nerved out that my hands actually shake like If Im afraid of something..Strange!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 20, 2012 Author Posted October 20, 2012 (edited) A few weeks ago on a wednesday, The ex and I went out to talk about some stuff regarding the home etc... We had a good time...Laughing shooting pool etc...No kissing, no I love you's, no sex...Just a nice few hours out. I played it really cool! The next morning at work I get a text from her "Have a good day :)" The saturday after I moved back to our home cause she had her stuff out. That night I get a text from her, Are you guys going out tonight? Then 5 minutes later I get another text "come down to billy ouse" Now I didnt answer because I figured it was a text meant for someone else or she was just breaking my chops. We went out for dinner again the other night to discuss the transfer of the house deed. We also had a heart to heart and put some things to rest. While we were talking I asked her what the hell that text was about? She said it was meant for me. She was drunk at a bar in the area. She said she figured we had a nice time Wednesday prior that we could be friends...lol! I said friends? You were thinking of me! She shook her head yes..A little later she dropped me off and I asked her if she would like to go out again sometime...She stood silent for a few seconds and I said, Look, If the answer is no just say it no big deal. She turns and says, Boy am I glad Im not drinking tonight! Then she said You are really playing with my head! So I told her look, dont answer I will call you next week or so to see if you want to. I dont get it! Anyone make heads or tails of this? Edited October 20, 2012 by hurts_so_bad
Steadfast Posted October 21, 2012 Posted October 21, 2012 Disagree. When your wife is seeing other men and wants to keep you 'handy', any movement towards that is counterproductive. IMO. I'm not sure why you keep trying to reel her back in. You have nothing until she's trying to win you. What is trying? Saying "I love you, I want to be with you. I don't want anyone else and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen." That's the easy part. Words. The proof comes in the doing. You won't know how she really feels until you let go. If she's fuzzy on the reaction, you're better off. I honestly don't know what other advice applies.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I didnt take it as a insult coops...I took what she said (Glad Im not drinking tonight) another way. I took it as if she was she would do something stupid like maybe sleep with me etc....As for playing with her head, How is that a bad thing? If she said that it means I am in her head no? 1
Author hurts_so_bad Posted October 21, 2012 Author Posted October 21, 2012 I did and she said she is not sure if we can work things out and said she is not the same person anymore....I put her threw a lot of sh@t in the past 18 years of marriage. drinking, gambling, not coming home at night, getting arrested...A lot of sh@t... Still when we went out a few weeks ago we had a nice time and the next morning she text me have a good day! The saturday after she was out with her girlfriend and text me to come meet her. Then the other night she did say love doesnt just disapear, Im glad Im not drinking tonight, and your playing with my head... I thought these were all good things no? I would think after those statements that maybe Im getting to her.
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