getting over myself

[hurts_so_bad]

Now that is the way to think. Get yourself clean, complete your goals and everything else will fall into place

 

I just realized that 30 years ago yesterday was my d-day. Things were pretty screwed up for the first few months.

 

At the end of July I moved to a new apartment, and began making new friends, it was about December when I really started getting my chit together and began to see the light at the end of the tunnel, which is actually pretty quick.

 

 

well its been about 4 months for me now...Hopefully by 5 months I will be alot better! Im just very impatient and scared this is not going to happen! I mean she could totally put the screws to me if she wanted too....Why she isnt is beyond me...Right now I give her $415 a week for child support, my cell phone bill and car insurance. If she flat out divorced me she would get around $650 a week between child support, alimony, and partial payment on the mortgage without paying my cell phone and insurance. I then will be stuck living with mom and dad! I dont get why she isnt going for the throat....hope she doesnt change her mind!

[2sunny]

Get counseling! It may help you!

[hurts_so_bad]

Get counseling! It may help you!

 

Hey sunny, why counciling? If she changes her mind there aint a damn thing counceling can do.....I'm not talking about her changing her.mind about me. I am talking about changing her.mind about the buy out......fb past few days I have been feeling much better about myself and things....

[2sunny]

Hey sunny, why counciling? If she changes her mind there aint a damn thing counceling can do.....I'm not talking about her changing her.mind about me. I am talking about changing her.mind about the buy out......fb past few days I have been feeling much better about myself and things....

 

To help you sort through your negative thoughts and change your actions as well as thoughts.

[hurts_so_bad]

i agree with sunny.

 

Ah the rollercoaster ride!! Focus on staying up!!!

 

Glad to see your more positive about yourself hurts

 

I'm trying coops....its not easy! Some days are better then others!

[2.50 a gallon]

h-s-b

 

How is it going?

[hurts_so_bad]

h-s-b

 

How is it going?

Its going thanks for asking! some days are better than others...but I think I am on a serious road to recovery...No matter how much my mind wonders on what she is doing and how bad that wondering may be.It doesnt effect me as much anymore... Guess I am starting to move on even so I still love her and hope one day she comes back. Still working on the ego...Thats what bothers me the most still is the feeling of inadequecy..

[2.50 a gallon]

h-s-b

 

What you are going through is totally normal. It took me about 6 months to be able to have relations with single women. And after the first successful encounter there were no more doubts and I was back to the old 2.50.

 

And after that my sex life took off again, ten times better than what I had when I was married.

 

As for the Ex, until I signed up for LS I hadn't thought of her for years. And lately I've come to realize that a little part of me will love her forever. After all she was my wife, and we had some great times.

 

But, it was for the best, as what I have now is light years away from what I had with her. I found her photo on the internet, and she is just a couple of meals away from hitting the double century mark.

 

While my current GF is a couple of years shy of turning 60, weighs about 110 and still has an hour glass figure. Definite eye candy. And she leaves no doubt that she is in love with me.

[hurts_so_bad]

I have been out a few times with friends who hooked me up with chicks in the past few weeks...None of them compare to my wife as far a looks. I know looks are skin deep and dont want to sound shallow but you have to like what your looking at! For now I am just looking to have fun and love the one I am with till the right one comes along.I was with a chick last night who is totally, and I mean totally out of her friggin mind! Had alot of fun with her to say the least! little by little the ego is rebuilding..Seems like these women who are over 40 are totally out of their minds and just do what they want to do! Its kind of discouraging cause I always had respect for women who respected themselves...Like I said, I do still love my wife...I know much of what happened probably 85% was caused by my stupidity! So one day I do hope we can work things out. Just hope she hasnt gone off her rocker like some of these women have! That I dont think I could stand to live with..

 

I do have respect for my wife cause I know how she was for the past 20 years and dont think she is that kind of women, But what I have seen with others!!!My god! It seems like there is something in the air for 2012 that made them all go nuts! lol.....

[hurts_so_bad]

its a yes or no question

 

 

yes but if she doesnt? than what? She has made it obvious she wants out of our home to get a condo cause she cant handle it. Nothing she has done has showed she wants it..She fell out of love with me and thats what I am excepting. I cant make her love me or rebuild anything if she doesnt want to. So I am moving forward..If in time we can work things out we will, but for now I need to start doing what I need to do and not follow what a book tells me to do with the slight hope she may come back.

[hurts_so_bad]

hurts.

 

This is the most positive post i`ve seen from you. but its still full of negativity.

 

but your getting there:)

 

No you cant make her love you. I`ll put money on that she has NEVER stopped loving you, she just doesn`t know what to do much as you

 

But this isn`t about her..it`s about you, and it`s good to see you are FINALLY making progress.

 

now quit with the `if in time`. Get off THAT line of thinking.

 

What you been doing? ( i mean you. tell me about YOUR month that doesn`t mention your kids or wife)

 

make me proud of you? !!

 

 

keep it up hurts...your getting there

 

Hey Coops

 

I would like to say things are great but they arent. Its still a waiting game! I have been working, going to the gym, AA meetings, and dating here and there all while living out of my parents home. At this point I just want to move on but its taking time. Im hoping to get the house back soon and my license so the idea of both those things is whats keeping my head up right now..

[hurts_so_bad]

I am starting to feel really weird and just wanted to know if this is a normal phase...I know now more than before that she is dating...yes it bothers me but differently now....i kind of feel disgusted and really feel like I don't want to be bothered with her at all anymore. I usually go up every sunday to see the kids. I don't even want to go this weekend. Next weekend my brother in law who I was staying with is having a bday party for his boy and I don't want to go. Tired of looking at her and her family.... I wanted nothing more than to get my home back. I. Am not even sure if i want that anymore! Everything I.have worked for is there including my kids and its prbably the best move for me But I just feel disgusted and uncomfortable!

[trippi1432]

Hmm, judge not lest you be judged....you've been screwing around why shouldn't she?? See, there is a difference between dating and screwing unless you didn't know. Quality women, they date. Oh..and most women over 40 aren't freaks...only the ugly ones are. The smart ones, in a bar, would give you a Gibbs slap at the first pickup line. The ones you are sleeping with, desperate.

[hurts_so_bad]

Hmm, judge not lest you be judged....you've been screwing around why shouldn't she?? See, there is a difference between dating and screwing unless you didn't know. Quality women, they date. Oh..and most women over 40 aren't freaks...only the ugly ones are. The smart ones, in a bar, would give you a Gibbs slap at the first pickup line. The ones you are sleeping with, desperate.

 

Oh trippi so wrong on that! Ugly or not its disgusting what I see women have become.

[GG2W]

His wife has a boy friend.

 

Dude you are free to try whoever you want.

 

Get all you can while you can

[hurts_so_bad]

Hmm, judge not lest you be judged....you've been screwing around why shouldn't she?? See, there is a difference between dating and screwing unless you didn't know. Quality women, they date. Oh..and most women over 40 aren't freaks...only the ugly ones are. The smart ones, in a bar, would give you a Gibbs slap at the first pickup line. The ones you are sleeping with, desperate.

 

also I don't get what u are trying to say? My wife started this off not me. So i am out doing what I need to do like she Is doing but its ok for her and the ones I am with must be ugly and desperate? Besides what's that got to do with what I mentioned on how I feel like I mentioned in my last post?

[hurts_so_bad]

hey guys its been a while...Just been doing my thing and meeting some old friends and new in the past few weeks. Things are going along as planned. Just went to my lawyer today and he is going to write up a seperation agreement that is fair. She is being very fair with me and we are being as amicable as we possibly can. I dont know if you guys remember but I am still going to buy her out of the home, we are going to have joint custody of my oldest and middle children. She only wants child support for my youngest and we worked out a agreement on that as well. In NY its required to pay 17% of your gross salary for one child which would be a ridiculous $1400 a month! We both agreed on $600 so things are going pretty well...

 

Wish it didnt have to come to this cause I still love her but there is nothing I can do at this point in time but to straighten out this mess asap and get my life back on track.

 

Just a quick question? We are being friendly with one another. I am being especially friendly being I dont want to screw this up! Cause if I do she can really put me threw the ringer. Anyway, Regardless of what anyone thinks, I do still love her and hope one day we can put things back together.

 

Whats my best plan of attack? Should I just remain friendly with her and still talk to her often as I do now? Or after I buy her out and get back home should I completely cut ties? That is as much as I possibly could anyway...We have 3 kids so we are going to have to talk from time to time..

 

But I really never had the no contact thing at all since the seperation. We always spoke one way or another via text or telephone.

[2sunny]

Sigh... Is there ANY good reason to beg any woman to want you? NO!!!

 

She's not interested - stop trying with her!

[2sunny]

Double post

[hurts_so_bad]

No one is begging anyone for anything...I asked what the beat actions are that's all...

[2sunny]

One word answers ONLY if she asks a question... Yes, no, maybe.

Edited July 24, 2012 by 2sunny

[skywriter]

hurts_so_bad,

 

What's my best plan of attack?

 

I'd say just take each day as it comes. I was with my ex-H for 17 yrs. He left me and for a very long time I just wanted my family back.

 

In time, I realised it wasn't meant to be, for alot of reasons.

 

To this day, it would've been perfect in my mind if we'd have experienced the get back together and live happily ever after.

 

Reality stepped in and I understand why now. If we'd have gotten back together, we'd still have the same issues and the breakup may have been worse than the first. Everything happens for a reason. I think I wanted something that wasn't realistic.

[2.50 a gallon]

hsb

 

You have tried and failed with the direct approach.

 

If you really want her back you have to give her a reason to want to come back, and you can't do this directly. You have to take the oblique approach.

 

Detach completely, until you don't want her back. Move in in life, be postive, have fun with new friends, find someone new, have new adventures, learn how to dance, how to sky dive or scuba dive, how to grill the best rack of ribs, etc.

 

Be the best dad, have great adventures with your kids.

 

For now you have to be semi-friendly until you get your house and get the paper work finalized

[Forever Learning]

hey guys its been a while...Just been doing my thing and meeting some old friends and new in the past few weeks. Things are going along as planned. Just went to my lawyer today and he is going to write up a seperation agreement that is fair. She is being very fair with me and we are being as amicable as we possibly can. I dont know if you guys remember but I am still going to buy her out of the home, we are going to have joint custody of my oldest and middle children. She only wants child support for my youngest and we worked out a agreement on that as well. In NY its required to pay 17% of your gross salary for one child which would be a ridiculous $1400 a month! We both agreed on $600 so things are going pretty well...

 

Wish it didnt have to come to this cause I still love her but there is nothing I can do at this point in time but to straighten out this mess asap and get my life back on track.

 

Just a quick question? We are being friendly with one another. I am being especially friendly being I dont want to screw this up! Cause if I do she can really put me threw the ringer. Anyway, Regardless of what anyone thinks, I do still love her and hope one day we can put things back together.

 

Whats my best plan of attack? Should I just remain friendly with her and still talk to her often as I do now? Or after I buy her out and get back home should I completely cut ties? That is as much as I possibly could anyway...We have 3 kids so we are going to have to talk from time to time..

 

But I really never had the no contact thing at all since the seperation. We always spoke one way or another via text or telephone.

 

I have maybe a different perspective. I was married 16 years to an alcoholic man who had DUI's, he served a year in prison due to them. He was also a chronic liar, a manipulator, and emotionally abusive. He still is. I went with him to AA many times, to be supportive. It was all an act on his part (going to AA, a stall tactic. He didn't give a damn about AA, and openly mocked it later). He only went to AA to avoid divorce and child support, not because he was putting forth real effort or believed in the program or even gave it a real chance. It was all just smoke and mirrors as usual, to stall on divorce and child support. He put me through lots of hell in all ways. Wasting someone's time in life via falsehoods to avoid divorce, is wrong.

 

Anyhow, as much as I would like to hate him, I don't want the negative energy in my life or my heart. We have 2 young kids together.

 

We divorced last year, he moved to another nearby town. The kids are in therapy. I talk to him in a friendly, amicable way very frequently, every several days - about the kids only (for the most part). We are both moving on with our lives, and it's awesome. I should have divorced him years ago. I'm a great lady. I just hung in there and kept trying to change someone who didn't want to change.

 

Anyway - keep it friendly. Don't do the one word responses after the divorce - keep the dialogue open, regarding the kids. Be kind. Be friendly. The kids need the parents to act like adults. Keep communication focused and centered on the kids. They need to be the main priority, it's a harsh world out there, they need their parents to have their sh*t together.

 

By the way, my ex-husband is 45 (I know you are 43). He is in decent shape like you. I took some pics for him, in a decent polo shirt (out in the back yard, very casual), helped him with his online dating profile in describing his hobbies and interests, and "waaa - laaa" - he is going out on dates with women in their 40's on Saturday nights. I helped him so he would have a social life, and be less jealous of mine!! LOL

 

So that was a good thing for me. And him. Probably not so much for the poor ladies who fall for his false projection of who he is, and don't know about his alcoholism. They'll find out soon enough though, who he is. I'm still hoping he'll change his ways, for the sake of the kids. But not counting on it whatsoever.

 

They are out there (single women to date, your age), it does take time on the online dating sites to talk to them, and then meet for a cup of coffee to see if you click. Then go from there. The women are out there for you. Unfortunately for them, they have no idea that my ex is such a liar, an alcoholic and pot smoker. Those poor ladies. But I can't control or worry about any of that, sad as it is.

 

But anyways, the online dating thing does work, is my point here, for people in their 40's. You can meet people. Where it goes from there is up to you. Another thing. Being single, is not the end of the world, either. I actually like it pretty good. I'm just so glad he's gone, life is so much better, it's amazing. With him around, I was always drowning in his issues and problems. I'm free of all that now, and very grateful and appreciative of the amazing things in life, the simple things, and of my freedom and ability to have my own happiness, without his problems always my constant ball and chain. It's just so awesome. I suppose I'll never stop saying that.

 

Make the best interest of your kids your first priority, and keep the communication with your ex-wife positive, kind, and supportive of the best interests of the kids. All the best to you.

Edited July 24, 2012 by Forever Learning

[Steadfast]

There's no plan. No games, no nothing. You love her? She knows. You should know if she loved you, she'd be with you. She isn't. So what now?

 

Women are attracted to men for their own reasons, not the reasons we give them...or at least, not for long. If you're fake, they'll soon find out and you would as well. Real, lasting attraction must be rooted in being genuine.

 

2.50's advice is the best I've seen here. Grow your passions. Stop trying to manufacture a relationship (with your ex or otherwise) and grow yourself into someone you enjoy spending time with. Be passionate about your kids. Because you love her and because she's the mother, treat her with the respect you feel she deserves. Don't take less than you're willing to give.

 

In your heart, the door is open. For me, personally, I'd skip anyone who's dumped me and forge ahead...regardless of how my heart feels about them. It's been four years for me and yes; I'll always have feelings for my ex. Like you, she moved on and never looked back. Well, I think so anyway...even though I hear differently from time to time. Just the same, if she really cared and really loved me, she'd let me know. I know she's capable of it. She had no problems showing it when we were dating.

 

Stop searching for hidden meanings and what ifs and take her actions as gospel. Let your actions show that you're man enough to move on.