Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 8, 2013 Author Posted March 8, 2013 Well for me, myslelf and I? Back in tha' day when I was going through tha' "s**T" there wasn't any internet, no LoveShack.org, no e-mails, nothing. You post, you vent, you e-mail me all you want! You hear! You can rant, rave, b***H all you want! Gunny 4X4, 6X6 ~ Out! Thanks I appreciate it! Sometimes you just have to accept the pain I think instead of looking for all other things to avoid it...It sucks and no one wants to deal with it but no matter what it will be there...Dont get me wrong, The more things to keep occupied with definitely helps but its not gone and wont be till whenever the day arrives, I just wake up and its magically gone or something drastic changes for the better in that department of my life... For now its just a matter of keeping busy which I always do, Having faith that things will get better and be grateful for the things I do have...I have faith that in time things will be even better then before. The hardest thing for me to swallow is letting my mind wonder and thinking that her life is just so peachy with someone new and I havent found that happiness yet...Kinda makes me feel like a loser when I know Im not...But as "cominginhot" said in a earlier post, " this isnt a competition of who gets where faster" and its so true.... I just have to accept that there is nothing wrong with being alone for a while. Probably once I am content with that idea things will start happining for the better.
beach Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 What suggestions had your therapist given you to take action on?
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 What suggestions had your therapist given you to take action on? Not a whole lot accept trying to convince me that the feeling I have are normal and a stop sign method...when I think of bad crap just picture a stop sign and stop...sort of ljke living in the now deal....I works sometimes...just feels so abnormal not to think about all that has gone on but its not....Just gotta keep going day by day being as grateful and happy as I can....when ur grateful it makes u visualize all that u do have and helps with being a happier person...
beach Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Not a whole lot accept trying to convince me that the feeling I have are normal and a stop sign method...when I think of bad crap just picture a stop sign and stop...sort of ljke living in the now deal....I works sometimes...just feels so abnormal not to think about all that has gone on but its not....Just gotta keep going day by day being as grateful and happy as I can....when ur grateful it makes u visualize all that u do have and helps with being a happier person... So keep writing a gratitude list throughout each day.
aMguilts Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Not a whole lot accept trying to convince me that the feeling I have are normal and a stop sign method...when I think of bad crap just picture a stop sign and stop...sort of ljke living in the now deal....I works sometimes...just feels so abnormal not to think about all that has gone on but its not....Just gotta keep going day by day being as grateful and happy as I can....when ur grateful it makes u visualize all that u do have and helps with being a happier person... hey hurts thats a good thing to do. it`s CBT. the human brain can only `think` of no more than 4 things at a time ( apparently) so by imaging a stop sign is a way to get around your brains own thoughts of destruction( for want of a better word) you mentioned `abnormal`? again this is just your brain playing `tricks on you` i got site from another poster, cant remember who, but it sums up a lot about the way you are feeling and the way you are thinking, 5 Scientific Reasons Your Idea of Happiness Is Wrong | Cracked.com interesting stuff to read. maybe , subconsciously, to be happy you have to fight for it ALL the time? like the saying , if you want something then you will have to work at it? nothing comes of nothing. but i DO like the `STOP SIGN`. i like it a lot. I`m going to start using the stop sign hope your doing ok aM
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) Hey guys thanks for the posts! aM, I am going to check out that website later and see what it has to offer.. Having another sh!!ty day today! I have so much to be thankful for but the one thing I want the most seems to overshadow everything else and is avoiding me like the plague! Love! You know it gets me crazy when I read articles on getting over relationships (Ive read tons!) and they always say that its ok to start dating again after x amount of time.. Like its so easy that anyone you want will just be there to date for you! Its easier then it sounds atleast in my world! Maybe its me but It gets me friggin nuts cause I have been trying and nadda! I consider myself and friends have told me that I am a attractive guy, I have a great personality, and since Ive been working out I'm built like half a brick ***** house...I dont get it! Ive been on these dating sites and all I seem to find are women I am not interested in. The ones I am interested in arent in me...Its really frustrating and makes you feel like crap! Like your not good enough! Its hard enough to deal with the rejection I have gone threw with my wife leaving me but to feel even worse when it just seems there is nothing out there for you or you are unwanted.. Really sucks! I know I am going to hear ***** for saying this (especially from you aM) but it urks the ***** out of me to feel like everyone else (meaning her) is out having a grand ole time and I am sitting here alone like I am some sort of loser! Im not! Im not sitting around either...Just that nothing has happened so far and I want it to so badly! Maybe thats what it is? I dont know.. To be totally totally honest. After all that has happened with my ex wife I feel I need and deserve to find someone to really care for and be cared back from. There is always a chance of my ex changing her mind down the road but before that happens, if that happens, I want to be able to see in this time that I now have if there may be someone out there that is better for me so that I can make the decision I want to make if that day ever comes. The way things are going if she ever does come back to me and things work out I feel I will always feel I missed out on the opportunity to experiance if there was someone better when she had the chance too... You know they say you shouldnt judge your self value on what others think of you but its pretty damb hard to think that way when your in a fragile state of mind and the hits keep coming! It would be nice to have that reassurance to help boost your esteem! I sure as hell cant find it within myself! If anyone knows how too please please let me know! Edited March 9, 2013 by hurts_so_bad
Darth Vader Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hey guys thanks for the posts! aM, I am going to check out that website later and see what it has to offer.. Having another sh!!ty day today! I have so much to be thankful for but the one thing I want the most seems to overshadow everything else and is avoiding me like the plague! Love! You know it gets me crazy when I read articles on getting over relationships (Ive read tons!) and they always say that its ok to start dating again after x amount of time.. Like its so easy that anyone you want will just be there to date for you! Its easier then it sounds atleast in my world! Maybe its me but It gets me friggin nuts cause I have been trying and nadda! I consider myself and friends have told me that I am a attractive guy, I have a great personality, and since Ive been working out I'm built like half a brick ***** house...I dont get it! Ive been on these dating sites and all I seem to find are women I am not interested in. The ones I am interested in arent in me...Its really frustrating and makes you feel like crap! Like your not good enough! Its hard enough to deal with the rejection I have gone threw with my wife leaving me but to feel even worse when it just seems there is nothing out there for you or you are unwanted.. Really sucks! I know I am going to hear ***** for saying this (especially from you aM) but it urks the ***** out of me to feel like everyone else (meaning her) is out having a grand ole time and I am sitting here alone like I am some sort of loser! Im not! Im not sitting around either...Just that nothing has happened so far and I want it to so badly! Maybe thats what it is? I dont know.. To be totally totally honest. After all that has happened with my ex wife I feel I need and deserve to find someone to really care for and be cared back from. There is always a chance of my ex changing her mind down the road but before that happens, if that happens, I want to be able to see in this time that I now have if there may be someone out there that is better for me so that I can make the decision I want to make if that day ever comes. The way things are going if she ever does come back to me and things work out I feel I will always feel I missed out on the opportunity to experiance if there was someone better when she had the chance too... You know they say you shouldnt judge your self value on what others think of you but its pretty damb hard to think that way when your in a fragile state of mind and the hits keep coming! It would be nice to have that reassurance to help boost your esteem! I sure as hell cant find it within myself! If anyone knows how too please please let me know! Question, Why in the world would you even consider taking her (That) back? Just drop her ASS! Have you filed for Divorce, if not, do so! Don't you think you deserve better than her, than the way she's treated you? Do you realize the second a woman is interested in you, you're wife's going to be trying to come back to you? I'm serious! It's like these women have built in radar or something! I wouldn't take her back if I were you, after all, you'd be her second choice! Why would you want that, so STOP WAITING FOR HER! DROP HER ASS! STOP WAITING IN THE WINGS! MOVE ON! You've wasted so much time waiting for her, SCREW HER! Have you though about going on a vacation, like a cruise? (Lotta Ladies there!) Going out of town, perhaps the mountains? Heck, if you're close enough, head on over to Disneyland! As someone else on LS would say, "get busy living, or get busy dying!" 1
aMguilts Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 hurts, i`m working loads and loads of hours because i don`t want to go back to my empty flat. i am actually draining myself of every bit of energy i have i sleep, i go to work, i come home, i sleep get up, go to work, , go home, go to sleep. 1 bit of advice i can give to you? is to stop trying so hard to mould your life into something that you `want` You need to be happy within yourself before you can even think about being with someone else Stop the wanting ( stop sign:) ) Find your own inner peace and happiness 1st i miss the affection, the cuddles, kisses, the sex, the knowledge that there is someone you can just look at and smile and they smile back i miss it like hell but you and i are in the same boat now and it`s not a 1 way ticket to `looserville`!!! same boat remember? and the boat i`m in isn`t going anywhere near THAT destination! but i need to find myself 1st too yeah i`m a little bit lost atm, going this way and that, running around in circles, just like you. i`m day by day. I really think that is the BEST way to live. the old saying `live every day as if it was your last, cos 1 day , it will be ` rings true. no one ever knows whats around the corner keep fighting hurts i`ll fight with you if you like we`ll keep each other sane and everyone else can loose their marbles aM
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Like I said I have almost everything I need and have a pretty forfilling life...I leave for work at 4:50am and get home at 6pm...A few days during the week I see my daughters for a few hours till their mom picks them up after work and I have them every other weekend. This week was my weekend! We actually just got in from a chinese buffet we went to eat at... I see my son almost everyday as he is older and goes back and forth from his mothers to my place. I work out as many days during the week I can and have a circle of friends that I just had a great poker game with last night at my home. The only issue with my friends is that most are married and the few that arent are older and dont want to do much of anything other then come and watch a boxing match, go to the movies or play poker. The only two things I am longing for in my life are my drivers license which I am still fighting for and someone to care for...I see my theropist once a week and Im working on the issues I have with my confidence...Since its pretty much shattered in the lady department...I look at some women and say to myself, "I am not good enough" Really sucks! and its not very easy for me to just approach women... Ive never been a guy with a good line of sh@t so its kind of hard for me but I am working on it.... I truely believe in the law of attraction cause thats just how life works! We have all had those times when we are no longer searching for what we think will make us happy, When we are totally content, then wham! What we wanted most at one time but no longer long for comes to us! Thats pretty much in everything! Ive had nights when playing cards that I started out winning big...Then I said in the back of my mind "Many times when you start winning you end up losing at the end" Guess what happed? I lost...Its the energy you put out in the universe whether positive or negative is what you are going to get back... I truely believe in it and its easy to understand but very very hard to practice when you are hurting inside! Edited March 10, 2013 by hurts_so_bad
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) I really need to find a way to be confident in myself without the need of someone elses approval! If anyone knows please post away... The thought that I am no longer good enough in my ex wifes eyes and the hard time I am having trying to find someone has left me feeling so down on myself and I no longer want to feel this way about myself or need the approval of anyone else to be happy with myself... I know if i find someone else I will be happy again but that can be short lived! If I do meet someone who I care about and she breaks off with me I will then again be in the same boat asking myself why and whats wrong with me? Possibly feeling worse then I do now. I dont want to take that chance again...I want to feel if someone leaves me then its their loss not that there must be something wrong with me... So please if anyone has advice on this issue please post away! Id love to hear how men out there were able to cope with a spouse who left them and those feelings of inadequecy and how they built themselves up again to be a stronger more confident positive man... Edited March 10, 2013 by hurts_so_bad
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Question, Why in the world would you even consider taking her (That) back? Just drop her ASS! Have you filed for Divorce, if not, do so! Don't you think you deserve better than her, than the way she's treated you? Do you realize the second a woman is interested in you, you're wife's going to be trying to come back to you? I'm serious! It's like these women have built in radar or something! I wouldn't take her back if I were you, after all, you'd be her second choice! Why would you want that, so STOP WAITING FOR HER! DROP HER ASS! STOP WAITING IN THE WINGS! MOVE ON! You've wasted so much time waiting for her, SCREW HER! Have you though about going on a vacation, like a cruise? (Lotta Ladies there!) Going out of town, perhaps the mountains? Heck, if you're close enough, head on over to Disneyland! As someone else on LS would say, "get busy living, or get busy dying!" The only reason I would consider taking her back is because all of the bulls@@t I put her threw...Im not taking about not being attentive enough, talking enough, and other BS excuses that women pawn on their husbands as an excuse for infidelity...Im talking about being arrested 4 times, 3 DWI convicts, alchohol abuse, and gambling problems...These are real reasons for her to have left me...Im not making an excuse for her leaving me..All I am saying is she did have her reasons.. Everyone on here who knows my story knows this...This is the only reason I would consider reconciliation...I know I f@@ked up! If I were a better husband and she had no reasons to split from me I wouldnt consider it but given the circumstances I would.
TailSpin75 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) Hi Hurts - I gotta agree with aM on your situation... finding yourself first and learning to be happy with you. As aM mentioned - you're in the same boat (I am too) and there is nothing fun about it. For myself - this whirlwind of emotions causes my perspective to constantly change and like you, I'm not the most patient when it comes to this process. So what feels like absolute truth one moment - seems like it's not working the next. The crappy thing about this healing/recovery process is that it is slow and long. Nothing about it is like flipping a switch. You acknowledge your feelings and you get them out, on paper, in this forum, talking it out with friends or a therapist - but they're still there. I get that... believe me I get that - and I hate it too. But it's the nature of the beast. So if change is not like flipping a switch (letting go, moving on, how we see things, how we see ourself) - then we have to accept that it will take time, whether we like it or not. Good days and no-so good days - right? Don't let either of them change your focus and what you're working on with your counsellor. If you (we) get tunnel vision on what will make us happy - we'll never be happy unless we have it - we'll always be chasing. Employing methods, like the stop sign, takes effort and persistence - but can be expected to take hold and become a normal part of 'your' process. Hang in there buddy! Edited March 11, 2013 by TailSpin75
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Hi Hurts - I gotta agree with aM on your situation... finding yourself first and learning to be happy with you. As aM mentioned - you're in the same boat (I am too) and there is nothing fun about it. For myself - this whirlwind of emotions causes my perspective to constantly change and like you, I'm not the most patient when it comes to this process. So what feels like absolute truth one moment - seems like it's not working the next. The crappy thing about this healing/recovery process is that it is slow and long. Nothing about it is like flipping a switch. You acknowledge your feelings and you get them out, on paper, in this forum, talking it out with friends or a therapist - but they're still there. I get that... believe me I get that - and I hate it too. But it's the nature of the beast. So if change is not like flipping a switch (letting go, moving on, how we see things, how we see ourself) - then we have to accept that it will take time, whether we like it or not. Good days and no-so good days - right? Don't let either of them change your focus and what you're working on with your counsellor. If you (we) get tunnel vision on what will make us happy - we'll never be happy unless we have it - we'll always be chasing. Employing methods, like the stop sign, takes effort and persistence - but can be expected to take hold and become a normal part of 'your' process. Hang in there buddy! Thanks Tailspin, I appreciate the post....Its been over a year now for me and it just seems like its never ending! Today I almost feel like I did day 1...It really really sucks! constantly thinking of her, constantly thinking of ways to manipulate her, constantly looking for any shred of evidence that she might want me back.. Its disgusted and Im tired of it! I sometimes feel I am at the end of my rope here! I dont know what else to do! I mean is this supposed to take so long? I feel I am in a battle that is never going to end! When will the damn pain subside? I am so damn confused about who I am this that and the other thing...I know who I am and the things I like to do but I just dont feel who I am is good enough anymore! I feel like I cant even get a damn date with anyone I like! I know everyone says heal, dont date but that seems to be the only thing that is going to make me feel happy! I know its a receipt for disaster if I do meet someone and she leaves me! I know! I just want to get out of this god damn frame of mind that hurts so much... Maybe my expectations are too high and I am asking something that is impossible even with a confident man but I want to become the man confident enough that if a women leaves me i can say, "her lose" Being upset is one thing but the way I feel (not good enough/insecure) is another... everyone says your happiness and confidence comes from inside you but I havent heard anyone tell me how to do that! there certainly has to be a way? Things to look at in yourself? How? what? I know I put my ex threw alot of s@@t in our marriage and thats why she left me but even so I fu@@ing despise her for what I am going threw now!
TailSpin75 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Hi Hurt - you know... I wonder if you and I share a similar... habit. Sounds like you're a deep thinker - trying to rationalize why you think what you think and why you feel what you feel. Now I've been at this for just over 3 months - but I've made some changes within myself (one's I still continue to enforce) to adjust my approach to healing. Something I've mentioned on LS (somewhere) - my thoughts seem to be like a song that gets stuck in my head... my new approach is to try and not sing along with it. It's there and it's going to be there - but the more I question it, think about it, wonder about it - the more it persists. I've noticed a difference in terms of what thoughts swirl through at any given moment. Now, for me, it's like moving through life with a swam of bees circling my head - if I don't grab one it doesn't sting me. Also - the thoughts that come in and out change, they're always related to her or the 'old' life but it's not the same series of thoughts. It's tough to not think about her with nearly every decision I make - she was a meaningful part of my life for a long time. But I am putting in the effort to 'break' the habit. I have virtually no interaction with her and I refuse to see her face-to-face. Believe me I want nothing more than to be with her all the time - but seeing her or talking with her is like taking a hit of a drug. There's a high - then the crash - then the withdrawal. I suppose there will come a time when we can interact in ways other than text or email - but I'll decide when that time is. I quit telling myself why she was something special to me. I could write volumes about how I saw that woman and what she meant to me but these are thoughts and emotions I'm trying to let die - not reinforce. I imagine that my feelings for her are like a plant - while I'm not trying to just kill it (honor the grieving process) - I am choosing not to provide sunlight, water, or care for it. Finally (my take on) happiness and confidence. Happiness is a state of mind - not a goal, an object, or a destination. It's near impossible to be happy when you're hurting so bad - but there can be moments. No one is happy all the time and if we predetermine what will make us happy (someone else, an upcoming event, money) we set ourselves up for disappointment and miss out on what can be making us happy in the moment. I struggle with this one; in part because of my mind set and in part because I'm still trying to piece my life back together. But this is where that positive attitude I've read you post about comes in. I'm hurting or angry or both whenever and where ever I am. This includes work - but I constantly remind myself that I am fortunate to have a job, that I am good at my job, and that people appreciate the work I do. Doesn't take away the negative emotions I have but I know I'll be okay and the value of the 'little things' slowly begin to carry more weight. I know it's been said a million times but it's not about what you lost but what you have. It takes a certain mindset to make that statement more than a nice collection of words; with the right mindset those words can have genuine meaning. Confidence - it's not a plan, a strategy, or the solution to a problem. When I got out of college I landed a job right away. I was responsible for writing company policies with regard to certain state and federal requirements. It took me forever to get some of these policies written and I began to understand that I was looking for a perfect first draft. I spent a good deal of time second guessing myself and trying to refine what I produced. Ultimately I decided to get the policies written and get them out there. They can be refined any time but I knew that I was good enough to make a solid first draft. Plus - if I received a state or federal audit, better to have something than nothing at all. Confidence came in what I produced. I'm okay not being perfect now (who is right) but I'm aware of my limitations too. I wouldn't walk confidently to the cockpit of a 747 where the pilot had a heart attack. I know what I'm capable of and tend to operate comfortably within that range. Of course, I'm in the hurt box right now and there are things about me and new aspects of life (being single) in which I do not have a lot of confidence. But as I continue to heal - I'm stretching out of my shell more and more. Change is so slow and takes massive amounts of time. But if you're dedicated to your methods you should see or feel gradual changes. Easy for me to say but... consider working toward forgiving yourself for putting your ex through a lot of s@@it in you marriage. Good to recognize and sounds like you own it - but let it go... you're probably different even now than you were then. Also, 'they' say we must forgive them to be able to full move on - something to think about when you get yourself to a better place.
Darth Vader Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 The only reason I would consider taking her back is because all of the bulls@@t I put her threw...Im not taking about not being attentive enough, talking enough, and other BS excuses that women pawn on their husbands as an excuse for infidelity...Im talking about being arrested 4 times, 3 DWI convicts, alchohol abuse, and gambling problems...These are real reasons for her to have left me...Im not making an excuse for her leaving me..All I am saying is she did have her reasons.. Everyone on here who knows my story knows this...This is the only reason I would consider reconciliation...I know I f@@ked up! If I were a better husband and she had no reasons to split from me I wouldnt consider it but given the circumstances I would. NONE of this is any reason to be cheated on! Get it?!
beach Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Choose something else as your higher power - you've made your wife your HP - and the steps aren't deigned that way.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 ok, I get it...lets move on from this cause none of this helps in my recovery...Trying to figure out how to feel better not worse...All the negative crap needs to go bye bye! The feelings of being cheater on only makes me feel like more of a loser!
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Hi Hurt - you know... I wonder if you and I share a similar... habit. Sounds like you're a deep thinker - trying to rationalize why you think what you think and why you feel what you feel. Now I've been at this for just over 3 months - but I've made some changes within myself (one's I still continue to enforce) to adjust my approach to healing. Something I've mentioned on LS (somewhere) - my thoughts seem to be like a song that gets stuck in my head... my new approach is to try and not sing along with it. It's there and it's going to be there - but the more I question it, think about it, wonder about it - the more it persists. I've noticed a difference in terms of what thoughts swirl through at any given moment. Now, for me, it's like moving through life with a swam of bees circling my head - if I don't grab one it doesn't sting me. Also - the thoughts that come in and out change, they're always related to her or the 'old' life but it's not the same series of thoughts. It's tough to not think about her with nearly every decision I make - she was a meaningful part of my life for a long time. But I am putting in the effort to 'break' the habit. I have virtually no interaction with her and I refuse to see her face-to-face. Believe me I want nothing more than to be with her all the time - but seeing her or talking with her is like taking a hit of a drug. There's a high - then the crash - then the withdrawal. I suppose there will come a time when we can interact in ways other than text or email - but I'll decide when that time is. I quit telling myself why she was something special to me. I could write volumes about how I saw that woman and what she meant to me but these are thoughts and emotions I'm trying to let die - not reinforce. I imagine that my feelings for her are like a plant - while I'm not trying to just kill it (honor the grieving process) - I am choosing not to provide sunlight, water, or care for it. Finally (my take on) happiness and confidence. Happiness is a state of mind - not a goal, an object, or a destination. It's near impossible to be happy when you're hurting so bad - but there can be moments. No one is happy all the time and if we predetermine what will make us happy (someone else, an upcoming event, money) we set ourselves up for disappointment and miss out on what can be making us happy in the moment. I struggle with this one; in part because of my mind set and in part because I'm still trying to piece my life back together. But this is where that positive attitude I've read you post about comes in. I'm hurting or angry or both whenever and where ever I am. This includes work - but I constantly remind myself that I am fortunate to have a job, that I am good at my job, and that people appreciate the work I do. Doesn't take away the negative emotions I have but I know I'll be okay and the value of the 'little things' slowly begin to carry more weight. I know it's been said a million times but it's not about what you lost but what you have. It takes a certain mindset to make that statement more than a nice collection of words; with the right mindset those words can have genuine meaning. Confidence - it's not a plan, a strategy, or the solution to a problem. When I got out of college I landed a job right away. I was responsible for writing company policies with regard to certain state and federal requirements. It took me forever to get some of these policies written and I began to understand that I was looking for a perfect first draft. I spent a good deal of time second guessing myself and trying to refine what I produced. Ultimately I decided to get the policies written and get them out there. They can be refined any time but I knew that I was good enough to make a solid first draft. Plus - if I received a state or federal audit, better to have something than nothing at all. Confidence came in what I produced. I'm okay not being perfect now (who is right) but I'm aware of my limitations too. I wouldn't walk confidently to the cockpit of a 747 where the pilot had a heart attack. I know what I'm capable of and tend to operate comfortably within that range. Of course, I'm in the hurt box right now and there are things about me and new aspects of life (being single) in which I do not have a lot of confidence. But as I continue to heal - I'm stretching out of my shell more and more. Change is so slow and takes massive amounts of time. But if you're dedicated to your methods you should see or feel gradual changes. Easy for me to say but... consider working toward forgiving yourself for putting your ex through a lot of s@@it in you marriage. Good to recognize and sounds like you own it - but let it go... you're probably different even now than you were then. Also, 'they' say we must forgive them to be able to full move on - siomething to think about when you get yourself to a better place. i just want to know exactly what finding urself.means? What the hell does that mean exactly? I am more confused about that then anytjing else!
TailSpin75 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Good morning hurt - finding yourself means being comfortable with you and who you are. When you're in a relationship (especially a marriage) you make sacrifices and you compromise - you give up some of your 'self' so there is a mutual benefit to the relationship (in a good relationship anyway). As a single person - finding yourself means knowing what you like for you, what makes you tick, how you choose to spend your time, and who you choose to share yourself with. The tendency when we're lonely is to crave someone else. Someone who can come in share experiences with us - to make us feel 'complete'. But until you are comfortable with yourself (hence find yourself) - the other person will feel the burden of trying to complete you - and it will come at a cost to them. The relationship will not remain in balance. If you get tunnel vision on the point that you need someone in your life right now then your efforts will likely be spent in search of that someone. This is a distraction from you 'finding yourself'. It's why people advise to 'work on you' or 'do things for you'. Have people advised you to 'find a hobby' - it's one I hear a lot and advice that I read about. I'm pretty lonely too - but I also know that I'm not ready to be in a relationship (though I wish I were). So I'm spending time healing, tending to my wounds, doing things that I choose to do - that I like (though I'm not as outgoing at the moment due to the strong emotions). In time I have faith that I'll get out there more and more. There will come a time when I'm open to meeting new people and not trying to find 'the one'. I do look forward to trying new things (again in time) - some of the things I've been considering is an art class downtown with my kids, learning a foreign language (maybe), or taking weekend road trips. Aristotle said: "Suffering introduces a man to himself" As happiness does come from within - it is not something that you should expect from others (not really their job). Know thyself. Edited March 12, 2013 by TailSpin75
aMguilts Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 hurts tailspin meant no harm i only came back on here to talk to you what do you want to hear? what would you want anyone to say to you to help you? like you said, it`s been over a year now and you are NO further in yourself so what do you want to hear? do this do that doesn`t work for you, and i`m glad it doesn`t you said you feel like day1?? that hurts me and i`m sure so many that have tried to help you i`m at my lowest i`ve been my whole life even my parents now are questioning me like i need that? maybe they wouldn`t question me when they bury me?? even then knowing them, they`d be complaining about the cost aM
aMguilts Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 so you can 1 keep on the way you are wallowing in your own self pity or 2 you move on aM
aMguilts Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 greatest line i heard today? was from a song `why dont you just take what you need and go` not directed at you, but outwards aM
beach Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 i just want to know exactly what finding urself.means? What the hell does that mean exactly? I am more confused about that then anytjing else! Being happy all on your own - with your happiness not dependent on what someone else is or isn't doing.
beach Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 ok, I get it...lets move on from this cause none of this helps in my recovery...Trying to figure out how to feel better not worse...All the negative crap needs to go bye bye! The feelings of being cheater on only makes me feel like more of a loser! You should be viewing her cheating as only her defect. You should also try understanding that a healthy person wouldn't consider taking the cheater back unless they became a completely new and healthier person at their core being! That takes a ton of introspective work to fix a persons broken moral compass. Yet you are willing to consider taking her back... You need professional counseling hurts. Make time for help - do the work necessary. Creative outlets are very useful - especially if you can get your emotions out and on something else.
Author hurts_so_bad Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 to respond to pretty much all the posts given today first I wanna say to aM that I had no problems with what tailspin said so maybe there was a mixup...I appreciated very much what Tailspin said.... The confusion that may be coming up between me and u aM is that I never knew what all this getting to know yourself stuff meant and thats what I wanted answered.. remember, I was married 18 years and never thought of this sort of crap so it wasnt and still at times isnt easy for me to comprehend. The issue is no longer with her..She may have been the cause but as I read on about knowing yourself, being happy with yourself, loving yourself, and all this stuff I wonder what the hell people are talking about? Like i said, I never thought of this stuff before.. Tailspin put it in pretty good perspective to me now that I can understand.. But being in that confused state mixes people up if that dont exactly know the meaning of what is being said..Atleast it did me! Now that it has been broken down I get it and Im not as confused. I thought all this time I was missing something or something to live by when what I have and am doing is completely normal.. I know myself better then I thought I did...Just couldnt get a handle on what it was i needed to know! Again, If i was missing something about myself that everyone else knew about themselves...If that makes sense...I know my likes and dislikes, I enjoy going to the gym, playing pool, playing poker, trips to atlantic city, fishing, crabbing, garage saling, selling things on ebay,social events, LOVE music!, BBQ's, etc.... So my life is pretty fun of things I enjoy and hobbies On top of that I still plan on quitting smoking and joining karate which I always wanted to do! My only issue is still the issue of the drivers license which holds me a lot from many of these things and makes me a bit reliant on others, as trips to the NJ shore to go fishing or crabbing or to Atlantic city, garage saling, going to the gym, are all effected by it being I have to rely on others to drive...Can you now see my delema? Right now all I can do is what I can do with what I got. 1
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